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Original poster

Has anyone forgiven cheating & relationship has worked out?

118 replies

BH701 · 24/04/2023 11:58

HI

I've posted before about my partner cheating previously - drunken one night stand, swears it was a mistake.

But I wanted to ask if anyone has forgiven a partner who's cheated and whether the relationship has worked? Can you rebuild trust & how do you even go about doing that?

OP posts:
Bluebelle9 · 27/04/2023 18:43

I tried, stayed for 10 years after relationship counselling and as far as I know he didn't cheat again but i left a year ago. It feels like I wasted that 10 years, I should have chosen to leave at the time.

SaulSobieski · 27/04/2023 18:46

twoaffairs · 27/04/2023 18:42

@SaulSobieski he looks affluent as I'm a much higher earner than him. I think I'll buy him out of the house, he'll have to get himself a flat or live in the caravan on his mums drive 🤣

Make sure he doesn't get at you for spousal support.

You're going to need a shit hot solicitor.

Yeah, I bet she thinks he's well off and thinks he earns more than he does.

twoaffairs · 27/04/2023 18:50

He won't get anything from me, our dd is still only 17 and in FT education. Plus I'll get a good solicitor. He adores the DC, I'll give him that, we've been a very close family, I just have no idea what's happened, I'm reeling.

SaulSobieski · 27/04/2023 19:05

I'd argue that if he truly adored the DC he wouldn't have risked their family unit when they were younger and now he tossing away their family unit for a woman he actually hardly knows years later.

Plus you forgave all those years ago and you're trying to cope now but ateotd it inevitably affects your happiness, stability, mental health etc .... Which indirectly affects your kids.

He could have acted with respect if he really wanted to leave (this time) and spoken to you about his feelings and left. Not set up an affair/monkey branched before he did. You knew something was off well before he did you the favour of telling you.

Likewise if he could have done that before, or not cheated on you if he had no intention of leaving).

It's all causing you more distress and stress. Some people damage themselves under distress.

That's not actually good father material - indirectly.

twoaffairs · 27/04/2023 19:15

SaulSobieski · 27/04/2023 19:05

I'd argue that if he truly adored the DC he wouldn't have risked their family unit when they were younger and now he tossing away their family unit for a woman he actually hardly knows years later.

Plus you forgave all those years ago and you're trying to cope now but ateotd it inevitably affects your happiness, stability, mental health etc .... Which indirectly affects your kids.

He could have acted with respect if he really wanted to leave (this time) and spoken to you about his feelings and left. Not set up an affair/monkey branched before he did. You knew something was off well before he did you the favour of telling you.

Likewise if he could have done that before, or not cheated on you if he had no intention of leaving).

It's all causing you more distress and stress. Some people damage themselves under distress.

That's not actually good father material - indirectly.

I completely agree, all things I said to him. I confronted him about both affairs, he would never have the balls do actually offer the information himself. He cried when ds went to uni but he's now willingly left both of them, just to get his shallow ego stroked. I also have a stepdd, who I adore but she lives on her own now, she will be furious too. We had big plans for a family holiday this year, one we'd dubbed as the last big trip for all 5 of us, his selfishness has put paid to that. Ultimately he's narcissistic.

twoaffairs · 27/04/2023 19:16

That's why he has mental health issues, he thinks if nothing but himself and it's not healthy.

SaulSobieski · 27/04/2023 19:18

I also have a stepdd, who I adore

What happened with him and her Mum?

Ultimately he's narcissistic.

Very possibly.

PaintedEgg · 27/04/2023 19:23

@FranziskaSchmidt I don't think anyone is sneering. Some people say that it wouldn't work while others talk from experience that it didn't work!when they have tried.

I've forgiven a cheater before and I take full responsibility for being an idiot.

CoffeeDino · 27/04/2023 19:25

If you do decide to forgive, then you have to be willing to bury the cheating, for the relationship to work. I.e you can't pull out 'but you cheated' anytime you have a disagreement etc, otherwise both of you are reliving it forever and it will tear you apart. It needs to be 'forgotten' even if you still think of it from time to time.

twoaffairs · 27/04/2023 19:29

Never mentioning it didn't work for my marriage, I think an occasional mention might have been better.

@SaulSobieski his wife cheated, ironically.

PaintedEgg · 27/04/2023 19:33

@twoaffairs your ex is sitting on a ticking time bomb that will blow into his face sooner than he expects

another thing cheater have in common - they ego that blinds them to everything including the direct consequences for themselves

Boomshock · 27/04/2023 19:41

CoffeeDino · 27/04/2023 19:25

If you do decide to forgive, then you have to be willing to bury the cheating, for the relationship to work. I.e you can't pull out 'but you cheated' anytime you have a disagreement etc, otherwise both of you are reliving it forever and it will tear you apart. It needs to be 'forgotten' even if you still think of it from time to time.

That stage normally comes after a long stage of being allowed to "pull it out" though, and he hasn't allowed her that at all.
It's only been around a month and he was already sick of bringing it up a couple of weeks ago.

SaulSobieski · 27/04/2023 19:58

twoaffairs · 27/04/2023 19:29

Never mentioning it didn't work for my marriage, I think an occasional mention might have been better.

@SaulSobieski his wife cheated, ironically.

I'd believe that with proof. Cheaters often say their partner cheated when they didn't. Or maybe she cheated after he did.

twoaffairs · 27/04/2023 20:29

@SaulSobieski she did, I knew her myself and know from a different source, from before I was with him.

Takemehome7 · 27/04/2023 20:31

Snowjokes · 25/04/2023 14:26

I took him back. He took big, open, genuine steps to change himself and prove himself. Steps that he had to take, not me.

I’m glad I stayed. It was essentially for our child. It took a few years for our relationship to really get back on track. It’s not the same relationship we had before, but it’s a new and more mature one.

I think one of the hardest things about deciding to stay, is accepting that you’re not the person you thought you were. That you thought infidelity was an automatic deal breaker. It’s easy to say you’ll walk, but sometimes that’s not what life looks like in the end.

There’s no right or wrong answer here, every relationship and set of circumstances is different. But the work to be done is his - he needs to take the steps that make you feel safe.

This is so refreshing to read.

Original poster
BH701 · 02/05/2023 10:36

Bluebelle9 · 27/04/2023 18:43

I tried, stayed for 10 years after relationship counselling and as far as I know he didn't cheat again but i left a year ago. It feels like I wasted that 10 years, I should have chosen to leave at the time.

Hi, thanks for sharing! So you just left for other reasons? Hmmm I'm so torn

OP posts:
Original poster
BH701 · 02/05/2023 10:41

Hi all,

Thanks for everyone's replies. Yes, we have a daughter, only 1. I'm going round in circles at the moment and I'm not really sure what to do. I don't want to bury my feelings and pretend it didn't happen, I'm an overthinker and drive myself mad usually.

I'm not really sure what I'll do, I'm not close to making a decision. I know people move on and build a better life, but I'm not really ready to think about it at the moment.

I'd love to take off for a week and just take some time but money is difficult at the moment.

I'm hoping to decide within the next few months, I know there is no rush, but I also don't want to waste years like some of you have said. xx

OP posts:
Original poster
BH701 · 02/05/2023 10:58

Crikeyalmighty · 27/04/2023 12:16

@SedentaryCat similar situation with me. 6 years later it's an unmentionable subject- I stayed and I do care about him and like him but I've never felt 100% the same- it kind of snuffed a candle out. I stayed for many practical reasons and I think underneath he knows that too. He was the most unlikely person to be disloyal too . If he was a bit of a player I would have been off- but he isn't remotely and I am pretty sure it was a one off period in his life when he wasn't mentally in great shape (his mum was terminally ill). I don't think he can stand the fact too that I now see him in a rather dimmer light. (Although I try not to let it show)

Yes, I feel like the candle or spark has gone, and how I see him as a person has changed, and there's no erasing that.

And other people are right, why is it he slept with someone, why not just something else stupid.

To be honest, I'm done with men. I don't think I'll ever trust anyone again.

OP posts:
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