Has anyone forgiven cheating & relationship has worked out?

[BH701]

HI

I've posted before about my partner cheating previously - drunken one night stand, swears it was a mistake.

But I wanted to ask if anyone has forgiven a partner who's cheated and whether the relationship has worked? Can you rebuild trust & how do you even go about doing that?

Yes I agree, he can't handle the repetitive questions and giving me the same answers, and I don't know how to process this without constantly talking about it. Ultimately maybe we can't do what we need to, to work it out

Well I think it's really good you're having counselling. I suspect it will take time for you to work out how you feel - as you say, it's still so raw.

I think it's hard for us to know how many people move past infidelity as the couples who make it don't really talk about it.

Take care of yourself, OP.

I'm sorry you're going through it too. I was also very hard to live with, but I feel now this might make me even worse to live with, I can't be positive about the future and I have no idea how to accept it. I'd like to spend time apart, but we have a baby and I'm worried doing it alone won't give me any time to actually think about what I want, I'll be run down from single parenting

Well, you'll be run down by constant doubts too.

Single parenting really isn't as bad as the anxiety and worry that he'll do it again.

Do you crave peace of mind? I think the only way you'll get it is by binning him.

He's not really contrite, is he?

Even if you are repeating your questions, he's going to have to put up with it because he betrayed you.

Sometimes he is, but other times he gets frustrated.

I agree he should be just putting up with my questions

For me, no, absolutely not.

I tried it years ago in a relationship.

My partner has a drunken ONS. He was genuinely remorseful, massively changed behaviours and worked very hard to rebuild trust. I made the decision to stay with him. For a while, everything was rosy because he was making so much effort.

But randomly, sometimes many months later, what he did and the hurt he caused would just appear from nowhere and completely wind me. But I didn't feel I could say anything because this was many months later, I didn't actually have anything new to discuss, and we'd agreed to move past it.

So I just swallowed these moments of pain and it built up and up. About 18 months after he cheated, I started an affair with a man at work. I also started to party pretty hard with friends. I never cheated - kissing, shagging, touching - on nights out, absolutely not. But I'd collect men's phone numbers like they were shells on a beach and I'd grind out all night with all sorts of different men.
I can't say it was direct 'revenge' because I really don't think it was. It was really complicated. It was partly revenge, it was partly a bid for some self-esteem that I didn't realise I'd lost, it was partly about establishing my identity. I don't know.

Me and my partner broke up, of course. I realised I couldn't 'forgive' or get past what happened. I regret staying with him for those 18 months. I felt constrained. I wish I'd split from him, had counseling and then discussed getting back together if he was still single and wanted to. I did a lot of emotional/mental work but would've been better doing this outside of our relationship to have the time and freedom to myself to do this work.

But remember, OP, you don't need to decide now and stick with that decision. Tell him you need time to process things before you decide to stay or not. Even if you do decide to stay but this later become untenable, don't feel obligated to stay.

I have, but it wasn't a physical (or particularly emotional) affair. He downloaded Tinder, with the intention of getting the ego boost of girls replying to his messages. He has had a sex addiction since he was a teenager but never sought support but I already knew this and naively thought it wasn't an issue. I knew that he masturbated multiple times per day, but he didn't want to seek help for this even though he'd broken down in tears to me about it in the past because of how much he hated it.

Then he came to me one evening, completely out of the blue, and handed me his phone with Tinder open. He confessed all, wanted to be honest, was in floods of tears and said he couldn't live with the guilt of knowing he'd done this and wanted to lay his cards on the table to show me that I'd been living with someone who had been unfaithful. I looked through the whole of his tinder profile, could see that he'd had two message exchanges with women (both flirty but relatively tame and not sexual in nature, no indication of meeting up or speaking outside of the app), but he had tried to message a few others with no reply. I could also see he hadn't been active for a couple of weeks before showing me but it had been going on for around 2 months before I found out.

I knew he hadn't been physically unfaithful as there was no opportunity for this to happen (won't go into detail but I know this 100%). He said that although the cravings for "more" were due to his sex addiction, he was responsible for his actions and made awful choices. He took full responsibility, but admitted that he couldn't continue in a relationship knowing that he'd sought out the "rush and thrill" of getting the attention of other women. He didn't blame me for anything, said all of the right things and to be honest I'd never seen him so devestated. He has autism and has never been great at lying or keeping secrets, he finds it very difficult and distressing, so I'm not surprised he struggled to keep it from me!

I broke up with him and he understood this. He was heartbroken, as was I, but I did not want a relationship with a sex addict who could not control his urges for "more".

Without asking me how to fix things or looking to me for direction, he took himself to the doctor to seek help. They suggested therapy but as the wait times were so long, he booked himself in the following day for a private therapy session which he attends weekly. He also went to his first Sex Addict Anonymous meeting and has attended weekly since - he has many social events and nights out with our friend group to attend these meetings instead. He phones his sponsor daily and now visits other SAA groups locally as he's found a community of people in the same boat as him, all trying to help each other.

I was very slow about considering a second chance, but in every other respect than this he was the perfect partner. Hilarious, loving, supportive, kind, gentle, we have the same hobbies and interests, he always did anything he could if he knew it would make me laugh/happy.

We have been back together now for 2 years - he has not missed an SAA meeting since then and if he can't attend in person, he attends by zoom. He continues to pay for therapy weekly, meditates, journals, does gratitude lists, reads from his SAA book daily and does his exercises to progress up the 12 steps. I've noticed a huge change in his personality, as he says that he has an addiction he would need to beat whether I'm with him or not, if he doesn't sort it now then he will live with it forever and he doesn't want to inflict that on me but also on himself. We have honest discussions and he never, ever pressured/rushed me to take him back or forgive him. He knows he is on his last chance, the slightest sniff of anything else and he's gone. I don't know what the future holds but all I can see right now is a man who made an awful decision who has done everything possible to fix, change and rectify.

He supported me through my recovery from alcohol addiction - I was gripped by the need to drink large amounts daily, but as I am now over 3 years stone cold sober I feel I should give him a chance to do what I did. He supported me, so I am supporting him. If he had progressed to a physical relationship of any nature, or even a particular emotional one where he'd had personal conversations with someone he'd developed feelings for, I don't think I could have moved past that though. If he hadn't confessed when he did, and had instead let it progress further, I wouldn't be with him today.

Does that make me an idiot? Perhaps! I have a lot of time in my life before I need to think about settling down, children etc. I'd love to spend the rest of my life with him and if he continues on the path he is now, I believe he can remain faithful. If he starts to let SAA slide, starts to show behaviours or red flags or slips back into his old ways then I will leave him and be perfectly fine on my own. I think my barriers are still up, I can't fully trust him but I can't fully trust anyone - anyone is capable of cheating, even those you least expect, but I feel that at least my DP is doing everything in his power to treat the symptoms of his addiction and remain in recovery. He wants this for himself just as much, if not more, than he wants it for me and that's the key to his success.

@BH701 you mention you think that time apart won't give you time to think as will be run ragged?? I can assure you that time to think when they are 'there' and in your face and often become very needy if they think you are thinking about splitting- it's really not a picnic either and also gives you 'no time to think'

@BH701 I now, with hindsight do believe he did cheat again, numerous times. Whilst in the relationship I was hyper sensitive to indications he may have done, but slowly and surely my respect for him was eroded. It didn't matter what he was doing. I couldn't care enough, not because I didn't care, I did. It was self preservation.

I can only pass advice from my perspective, if you have trust issues, these are going to be heightened. As he has now given you a reason not to trust. As pp's have said, he could engage with you and healing a lot more than he is. This translates (to me at least) he will appease you as long as it's easy and doesn't intrude on what he wants to do ie drinking. If he blames being drunk for acting the way he did, then he should be agreeable to not drinking again (or until you at least feel comfortable). He is not making that agreement. I believe he is paying you lip service. There's no robust action behind his words.

As I said, I know exactly how you feel, I know how it played out for me. You are not me though, you will find your way. You just need to have confidence in yourself and if you choose to stay your partner and the relationship you have.

Yes, I guess that does make sense. Perhaps you're right!

Hmm, yes, I don't know what will happen when he wants to go and do something. He's not a big drinker, and he's hoping I'll one day be comfortable with him doing something with his friends, but maybe it's all just words and he's hoping I'll just swallow it all

I am currently going through this with my husband, who had a 2 month physical affair last year.

I've given him a year to demonstrate a continued willingness and ability to address the underlying issues that led to the behaviour. He is doing absolutely everything possible: therapy, reading the books, being completely transparent and accountable etc.

I have a feeling we'll be able to move past it and even come out stronger, but only because of the way he's approached reconciliation. He answers all my questions honestly, no matter how many times I ask. If he'd displayed your DH's attitude, I'm not sure I'd be able to continue.

No-one can tell whether your relationship will ultimately survive or not. The way I am approaching this by making healing (and thriving) the aim - separation or reconciliation will come out of that.

I like this approach, perhaps I need to set some time and see what happens, but yes the fact he isn't willing to answer my questions shows he perhaps doesn't care enough about sorting the issue, or he wants to on his own terms

@BH701 is he doing any personal development to show you that he will change? Therapy or stopping drinking? Is he having conversations with you about what really happened leading to his choice to cheat? Deep introspectives so he know why he chose another woman and why he won't again?

Remember, his dick did not accidentally fall into another woman. It was his active choice to put it there and the booze just gave him the unrestricted excuse.

Most men can go out and get shitfaced and not stick their penises in woman who aren't their wives...

Do you really want to be with a man who respects himself and you so little? He even did it at a time when you were at home, vulnerable with a new baby. He is weak and disgusting.

You don't have to accept the love he is offering you because it's not love. Not the deep, lasting love that keeps married folk together into old age. It's not the love you can rely on in sickness or bad times. He is unreliable and untrustworthy now and you'll never fully trust him again.

Your baby doesn't need a mum and dad who tread lightly around each other playing the "lets pretend daddy didn't stick his knob in a stranger" game. She needs a strong mum and parent examples of a healthy, loving relationship so she can have the same when she grows up.

For every woman who tells you they forgave and moved on there will be more who say don't waste your life on a cheat. While you are trying on your own to make it work, you will be missing out on a person who could be out there and be your real match. Someone who will love you so much that the thought of being with another woman would be nowhere in their mind. You deserve that.

You deserve so much more.

Why are so many women doormats? Are you all afraid to be single and alone, unable to cope financially?

I agree with this.

It always strikes me as strange that men claim to be so out of it drunk that they can't help but fuck a stranger because they didn't know what they were doing. But they manage to control themselves and know what they're doing enough to not get a face tattoo, not call their boss a cunt on Instagram etc.

They manage to maintain enough control not to do anything that would actually, definitely ruin their lives.

To say nothing of the fact they're in control enough to stay awake, get, keep and use a hard-on. It doesn't add up.

I have just written a post on Aibu, I reconciled with my ex dh after he cheated. I’m afraid it’s not worked out due to him last night setting up an online dating profile whilst drunk. He hasn’t taken on board anything I asked him to do for reconciling and I really really wished I trusted my gut and didn’t take him back

Well if he bothered to maybe read a book or educate himself in some way he would know that that's how betrayed people act, it's not you, it's not a choice, it's a side effect of being betrayed. It keeps coming up in your thoughts all the time and you have to bring it up.

It 'helps' because the alternative is for you to have to keep all of the pain and thoughts inside and never bother him about it, which makes things feel a million times worse for you.

He would like to believe that if you just shut up about it that you can move on, but that's NOT an option and no one has ever got over cheating that way.

If he was already so dismissive even when you just found out then he's going to be a pig about it later on if you bring it up if he wants to drink and you're anxious about it or if you're triggered by something. He'll probably end up calling you paranoid and controlling etc.

What is he reading, watching so he can support you ?

drinking so much that he has no idea what he's doing

If you're that drunk, you're likely to fall asleep/pass out; not be capable of shagging someone. A man has to take quite a decidedly active role for sex to happen.

Basically you and another poster saying she knows someone who cheated on the mother of his new/young baby demonstrate men who shag other women when you're at your absolutely most vulnerable and dependent, and with a new baby, when you should be most pulling together as a team and most bonded.

If people shit on their partner & relationship and look elsewhere when their partner is at their most vulnerable, how are they ever trustworthy.

when you're at your absolutely most vulnerable and dependent, and with a new baby

And suffering pnd (an effect of birthing his child) - I should have added in there.

Yes, it's odd how the getting shit faced and not knowing what they were doing took the direction of (only) infidelity.

Im trying to think of any example where it worked out and I cant come up with anything

and as others pointed out - why infidelity? sure people do all sorts of stupid things when drunk, but how is it that some people steal a trolley from supermarket and others end up having sex with someone?

Of course Im not talking about instances of SA where the victim is not consenting or even fully aware of what it happening to them - and this can happen to men as well as women. But most of these stories revolve around someone being drunk but not blackout drunk - and able to remember what they did.

Personally I don't believe "i was drunk excuse" - alcohol just lowers inhibition, things people say and do are things they think and otherwise are capable of with the only thing stopping them is fear of consequences that alcohol dilutes.

One thing that my counsellor told me that has always stuck with me is that you can change your mind. You might decide you want to give it a go and then next week, month, year change your mind. Your decision doesn't have to be forever.

I think people feel a panic that they have to make a choice and a decision right away. But sometimes it helps to think you won't make a decision and instead just see how you feel. Don't put pressure on yourself.

Just over 5 years ago I found out my H had been having an affair. She lived in another country so was an emotional affair until he visited her on a business trip.

The first few years were hell. He didn't want to talk about it beyond the first couple of months after discovery and even now is reluctant to speak. He was utterly horrified that he'd slept with her and I think he just wants to bury it - if it isn't spoken about then it didn't happen I guess. For a long time he denied it and expected me to believe him, then broke down one evening and confessed.

Anyway, we are still together, nowhere near as close as we were and our relationship is doing OK. I wouldn't say I trust him implicitly any more, nor that I can see myself getting to that level of trust in the future. I learned that there is only really one person that you can truly rely on and that's yourself.

I went to a counsellor last year to talk out how I was feeling and to work on stopping it taking over my thoughts. I suppose if he had just been able to talk and explore things we both would have healed quicker. He's on antidepressants but has never agreed to counselling. He thinks he's OK but he really isn't.

I always said I'd go if he cheated but here I am. There were many things taken into account with my decision but as someone said further up, there's always the option to go. Nothing is set in stone.

I hope things work out for you OP in whatever you decide to do. Be kind to yourself. Take care.