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Original poster

My Dd is emigrating and my heart is breaking

110 replies

Peonyist · 23/04/2023 18:24

She's my only Dd (although I do have ds's), is 28 and is emigrating to Australia on 20 May. She's so excited and I'm happy for her, she deserves some happiness.

But I just feel like my heart is breaking. I'm widowed and I've also just sold our family home of the last 25 years so I know that this too is affecting my emotions.

She still lives with me and we get on brilliantly - we holiday together, we socialise together, nobody makes me laugh the way she does. I've got to the stage though where I'm avoiding her because I can't stop crying and I don't want her to see me crying. I know there's face time and Skype, I know I can go and visit her, but right now that's not much consolation.

Tomorrow, Dd, myself and one of my ds's are going away for the night to see another of my ds's so they can say goodbye. It will be really emotional I'm dreading it.

Im not really sure why I'm posting, I know there isn't really anything that can be said, I just wanted to write down how I'm feeling :(.

OP posts:
Original poster
Peonyist · 23/04/2023 18:26

I should add that I do have friends and hobbies, and one ds still at home (until September) - so I will try and be as busy as possible.

OP posts:
Lbnc2021 · 23/04/2023 18:26

Aw bless you. My daughter emigrated last year to Belgium. Luckily it’s not so far so I visit often. Of course I miss her but she’s happy and loving life and I’m extremely proud of her.

Newpuppymummy · 23/04/2023 18:28

That’s so hard. Be kind to yourself. She’s the your girl and you’ll miss her, but you’ve given her the tools to go out and live a beautiful life..

theWarOnPeace · 23/04/2023 18:30

I have a lot of sympathy for you OP. One of my oldest, closest friends went years ago now. We FaceTime etc but it’s not the same, I feel so sad saying goodbye sometimes, and wish it was easier and more affordable to see her. My children are still young, but the idea of them being that far away would devastate me. You have to let them go though, and know that you’ve raised her with enough confidence to be able to do it. The family home on top I’m sure is adding to your heartache. I think you should tell her how you’re feeling, not to get her to stay but so she knows how loved she is and why you may be a bit distant or upset before she goes.

Mummyof287 · 23/04/2023 18:32

Can you not go too? 😄 I wouldn't worry about hiding your emotions too much, as it's understandable for you to be finding it hard and it only shows how much you care

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 23/04/2023 18:34

One of my dds emigrated six years ago to Australia. She Facetimes regularly and she misses home so she comes back quite regularly, and I get wonderful free holidays to Oz! The hardest part is just before they go, so try to make sure you've got plenty of stuff to keep yourself busy for the week before and the week after she's gone.

Once you start getting messages telling you how much she's loving life over there, it feels easier. Honestly.

piedbeauty · 23/04/2023 18:36

I'm so sorry, op. Have a huge hug. 💐

Mari9999 · 23/04/2023 18:37

OP
Be proud that you did such a good job rearing your kids so that they are confident enough to take risk and competent enough to have opportunities for change. She will only be a cell phone or plane ride away, and she can always return if things don't go as planned. You will now have a great vacation spot.

Let her go with great hopes for her future and all of the good wishes that her heart can hold.

NurseCranesRolodex · 23/04/2023 18:39

Oh I'm sorry, I think I'd be same. My dd went to Oz for 6 months and was planning to return to stay but changed her mind. I encouraged her but was very relieved she didn't go back. She might still though. Let her know how important she is to you, write her a letter if you can't face saying it. You've given her all the skills and confidence to do it so be proud of yourself too. 💐

ToHellBackAndBeyond · 23/04/2023 18:39

I agree with everyone who says well done on raising her to be ready for the world. I also feel sad for you. 💐

phoneissue · 23/04/2023 18:42

Your daughter sounds fantastic. You must be very proud of her. I would also be gutted, but proud.

Original poster
Peonyist · 23/04/2023 18:45

Thanks for the replies and the kindness.

I know this is ultimately what we want for our dc, ie, that they be happy confident people. And I am incredibly proud of how she (and her brothers) have turned out. I'm sure I'll be ok once she's gone - I'll have to be :(.

OP posts:
Abra1t · 23/04/2023 18:45

I can imagine how I’d feel. We are a family of immigrants to and from Australia and it’s been tough on each generation.

Flowers
BellaBlossoms · 23/04/2023 18:45

One of my DC emigrated in 2019, those last few weeks before she went were tough and, like you, I put a brave face on. The week before she left she decided it was a huge mistake and had second thoughts so we had to jolly her along until she got on the plane. I sobbed for weeks after she left.

Six months after she left she met the love of her life and now has a baby. I remember at the time one of my friends saying to me “you helped and encouraged her to find those wings that she’s flying with” and that made perfect sense to me. Let her go, watch her fly and remember you helped her do that. You’re heart will feel like it’s breaking, you sometimes feel like you’re watching from afar, you’ll miss her dreadfully but I promise the time you do visit in the future will be extra special.

Claricestarling1 · 23/04/2023 19:00

I emigrated from Australia to England when I was 28..15 years ago! My mum and I are really close and I really miss her but honestly we probably talk even more now than we would if we lived in the same city 😂 FaceTime every Sunday morning without fail and messages every day..plus visits back and forth ☺️ it becomes the new normal and it’s lovely to look back on 15 years of emails, texts and pictures between us. I have no doubt it’ll be the same for your and your daughter x

StillMedusa · 23/04/2023 19:03

My DS1 emigrated 3 years ago... literally 2 weeks before Covid hit and we all went into lockdown.
I was happy for him that he finally had his visa (met a lovely Aussie here 7 years ago, she lived with us for two years and they went back and forth) but heartbroken inside at the permanency of it... he loves Oz and I doubt will ever come home... like your Dd he lived with me til he left.

3 years in, they are married, we went out last year for the wedding and are going back with his siblings next year. We face time (when he remembers :D ) he's happy, and I have got used to it. I miss him, I cann't wait to get off the plane next year and have him pull me off the ground in a hug... but I have got used to it and you will too.

I never ever let him know how hard it was when he left, and I never will. How much not hearing ' Night Mum, love you' left such a hole; not hearing him test out new songs (he's a musician) on me. But I coped, and you will too.

You have to send her off with a smile.. and spend these last few days WITH her, not crying... she'll know.

It will be ok xx

Original poster
Peonyist · 23/04/2023 19:04

That's a lovely outcome @BellaBlossoms, I'm so pleased your Dd found love.

Dd did go to Australia at the beginning of 2020 with the intention of staying a couple of years. She loved it but Covid meant that she was back by April. So when she got the chance to transfer with work a couple of months ago she jumped at it.

Im not actually sure I will be able to take her to the airport. There is zero chance of me holding off the tears - it won't be pretty. Do you folks think it would be better to say goodbye to her at home or will I regret not taking her?

OP posts:
Original poster
Peonyist · 23/04/2023 19:05

Claricestarling1 · 23/04/2023 19:00

I emigrated from Australia to England when I was 28..15 years ago! My mum and I are really close and I really miss her but honestly we probably talk even more now than we would if we lived in the same city 😂 FaceTime every Sunday morning without fail and messages every day..plus visits back and forth ☺️ it becomes the new normal and it’s lovely to look back on 15 years of emails, texts and pictures between us. I have no doubt it’ll be the same for your and your daughter x

This is encouraging, thank you! Do you have dc? If so, how do they feel about your mum?

OP posts:
Original poster
Peonyist · 23/04/2023 19:07

StillMedusa · 23/04/2023 19:03

My DS1 emigrated 3 years ago... literally 2 weeks before Covid hit and we all went into lockdown.
I was happy for him that he finally had his visa (met a lovely Aussie here 7 years ago, she lived with us for two years and they went back and forth) but heartbroken inside at the permanency of it... he loves Oz and I doubt will ever come home... like your Dd he lived with me til he left.

3 years in, they are married, we went out last year for the wedding and are going back with his siblings next year. We face time (when he remembers :D ) he's happy, and I have got used to it. I miss him, I cann't wait to get off the plane next year and have him pull me off the ground in a hug... but I have got used to it and you will too.

I never ever let him know how hard it was when he left, and I never will. How much not hearing ' Night Mum, love you' left such a hole; not hearing him test out new songs (he's a musician) on me. But I coped, and you will too.

You have to send her off with a smile.. and spend these last few days WITH her, not crying... she'll know.

It will be ok xx

Thank you for this 🙏 I can imagine exactly how you feel.

OP posts:
IneedanewTV · 23/04/2023 19:11

My DS has just returned from a six week holiday in Aus. Which I know is nothing like you are experiencing. He allowed me to track him on find my phone which felt comforting. The worse part was the airport. I wouldn’t blame you if you chose not to take her. My DS has now left again to join the army. I feel proud. But it is hard to let them go. Good luck and start planning the first trip out there.

Stratocumulus · 23/04/2023 19:16

Both my brothers have lived abroad, it seems like, forever. It’s been years & years. I’m all my mum has got in the UK. She just had to accept it and get on with life. They never come home.

My daughter has had periods of living abroad having left me with the feeling I might not see her at home again however she’s now roosted at home, thank goodness.

I always used to tell myself “our children are only on loan to us” which I found consoling.

As soon as your girl is settled put a date in your respective diaries to go and visit her. Doing this helped me a lot and it was soooo exciting.
Start saving for your flight today!

Kittykatchunjy · 23/04/2023 19:17

Honestly I think I would go to the airport with her. You're going to be beside yourself wherever you say goodbye but I'd want to be with her until the last possible minute, it's going to be extremely hard for you both 😔. Big hugs xx

Kittykatchunjy · 23/04/2023 19:18

Actually, this might sound daft, but could you go out there on holiday with her for a few weeks and then come back when's she's a bit settled? It might be a tiny bit easier that way around?

Paloma66 · 23/04/2023 19:19

IneedanewTV · 23/04/2023 19:11

My DS has just returned from a six week holiday in Aus. Which I know is nothing like you are experiencing. He allowed me to track him on find my phone which felt comforting. The worse part was the airport. I wouldn’t blame you if you chose not to take her. My DS has now left again to join the army. I feel proud. But it is hard to let them go. Good luck and start planning the first trip out there.

You can't compare a 6 week holiday with someone emigrating!

BellaBlossoms · 23/04/2023 19:22

Peonyist · 23/04/2023 19:04

That's a lovely outcome @BellaBlossoms, I'm so pleased your Dd found love.

Dd did go to Australia at the beginning of 2020 with the intention of staying a couple of years. She loved it but Covid meant that she was back by April. So when she got the chance to transfer with work a couple of months ago she jumped at it.

Im not actually sure I will be able to take her to the airport. There is zero chance of me holding off the tears - it won't be pretty. Do you folks think it would be better to say goodbye to her at home or will I regret not taking her?

I’d take her. We did and I think I’d have regretted if we hadn’t.