My Dd is emigrating and my heart is breaking

[Peonyist]

She's my only Dd (although I do have ds's), is 28 and is emigrating to Australia on 20 May. She's so excited and I'm happy for her, she deserves some happiness.

But I just feel like my heart is breaking. I'm widowed and I've also just sold our family home of the last 25 years so I know that this too is affecting my emotions.

She still lives with me and we get on brilliantly - we holiday together, we socialise together, nobody makes me laugh the way she does. I've got to the stage though where I'm avoiding her because I can't stop crying and I don't want her to see me crying. I know there's face time and Skype, I know I can go and visit her, but right now that's not much consolation.

Tomorrow, Dd, myself and one of my ds's are going away for the night to see another of my ds's so they can say goodbye. It will be really emotional I'm dreading it.

Im not really sure why I'm posting, I know there isn't really anything that can be said, I just wanted to write down how I'm feeling :(.

I left the UK at 21, I’m sure it was hard for my mum but I’ve had a great time and am settled. I’m also still European post brexit which I’m proud of to be honest. Im not as far as Oz but it’s a sign you’ve raised a really confident girl! Xxx

I don't want to rain on her parade. She'll be busy starting a new job (same company as she works for here but different job) and finding her feet. I don't want her to feel worried or responsible for me. This is her big adventure and the start of her new life (god, I've made myself cry again now and the dog took advantage of my distraction and stole my brioche!).

I moved to the UK 10 years ago for university, my parents are in California. I talk to them twice a week and visit once a year. I regret moving so much and miss them every day.

I have a child and partner here, so not so easy to move back. I also have a number of expat friends who found living abroad much harder after they had children. That being said, you have to let her go and support her, she has to make her own life. Hope you make it out to see her soon!

Well as PPs say, you clearly raised an independent go getting young woman who paddles her own canoe. That is the mark of a great mother.

It doesn’t make it any easier right now though. It’s absolutely normal to feel really sad, so don’t feel bad about that. You obviously don’t want to get into it too much with her or your boys, but do you have someone you can get it out to??

I think this will be the hardest time, once she is gone and happy and you are planning a trip, you will feel better.

Remember too that you are beginning the next phase of your life (selling house etc) so there will be friends you haven’t met yet, plus your sons’ future families, and maybe a future partner if that’s what you want.

None of this means you can’t be sad - I just mean that there is plenty of happiness coming that you just can’t imagine yet.

I would take her to the airport. It’s a big moment, and crying is acceptable.

Thank you @Luredbyapomegranate. Your words are wise. I'm trying to look on my move as a new beginning but I have admittedly got myself into a bit of a "I'm-losing-everything-I-love" spiral. I need to be more positive about all the changes heading my way.

My son emigrated to Australia 11 years ago,the pain in my heart the day he went was indescribable,but things do get better.We go every year to visit (covid years were awful)big hugs,I feel your pain.

I left home in California at 21 for the UK and I’ve been here for 20 years + now. My mum visits for three weeks a year and we visit there every second or third year, sometimes I visit just on my own though in between.

I would say my mum knows my dc fairly well. The three weeks she’s here, it’s 24/7. She eats with us, shares a room with dd, does activities with the dc. She’s seen a fair number of dance recitals and school plays. By complete fluke, my mum even went to hospital with me when dc was born early and dh was unexpectedly away. She cut the cord!

I always tell my dc that they’re free to live wherever they like as adults (they are dual citizens), just as I got to choose. It’s hard at times, I didn’t see my mum for 3 years over Covid, but you get through it and carry on.

I'm 27 and I have 3 best mates emigrating this year - two to Aus in May and one to South America in July.

Not the same as a child of course but it fucking sucks. It's really shit to be left behind. Although Ofc I want them to have the best time.

I would consider counselling - this is going to feel like a huge loss and no amount of dressing it up is going to help. You may need help processing it all.

If I can only say that I too emigrated in my 20s (we had live overseas in childhood) and I lasted seven years, before the novelty truly disappeared and the homesickness was too much. I came back and met dh and stayed.
It may not be forever. I would consider crossing every bridge as it comes op. Let her try it out, experience something new and stay open minded about the future. That’s mot living with false hope, just you have no real idea of where she will land eventually. It’s really not the dream everyone says it is.

I would plan to spend lots of time there and try to approach her adventure as one you can share too.

See her off at the airport. Don't hide your tears, but fully counteract it with visible joy for her, going out and living her life and finding her own way is such an inspirationally brave thing to do, she's lucky. In the gentlest way, you've had your life so far, now it's time for hers, and it's not about you ❤️

Our lives are so damn short, she is doing a great thing for herself, and who knows what other changes may be on the horizon. Keep yourself busy and try not to "take it out" on her (my mum did a bit when I had to move and it really made a hard time harder, feeling unsupported and like she was upset with me..)

Enjoy your visits to Oz 😁

How LOVELY that you feel this way OP. That might sound weird but I mean that, I'm very jealous of the relationship you have. My mum and I are not remotely close, we barely speak and I'm not sure she'd notice if I vanished. How lovey that you have the kind of relationship that you do, even if it means this hurts right now and feels like a loss.

Please remember that every bit of heartbreak is you being a wonderful mum and having a loving wonderful relationship. Like any change in life, you'll survive, and adapt and it'll be okay. It also might not be forever, even if it feels like it right now.

Go to the airport, cry away and keep being supportive

When I lived in Australia my mum came every year for a month or two. Usually in January as it broke her winter up and it's the school holidays. As she came for so long she just slotted in more easily, it wasn't like she was there for a holiday so everything was more relaxed. She ended up with her own friends and hobbies over there.

It’s okay to feel sad, it’s a huge change and it will take time to adjust. Once she’s settled, maybe pencil in a date for a visit and then it’s something to look forward to. Also FaceTime regularly and share WhatsApp’s/photos over the weeks. I would definitely take her to the airport, it will be hugely emotional but it’s a big life moment for her. You’ve done a brilliant job and should be really proud of raising a confident woman who is making her way in the world.

Go the airport.. and see her off with a smile... you can sob afterwards (yes I did!)

The first few weeks afterwards were really hard, I won't lie. In my case made worse because I had been telling myself that if anything happened I was only 24 hours away on a plane... then Covid happened 3 weeks after he left and we couldn't see him again until last year! I missed his singing, our late night chats, I even missed him swearing at the espresso machine every morning when it decided to self clean when we needed to leave for work ..we even worked together at the same school!

But...it really is only 24 (hideous) hours flight away. And Australia is awesome!

See her off, come home, cry and bit, then wait to here she has got there ok, and start mentally planning a trip even if it is a year away :)

We often Facetime at about midnight (here) as DS1 is in S.A.. it's very doable!

OP you sound like a lovely mum.
Well done for being that.
Your bond will never break even though she is far away

Sending you hugs, OP. My BIL moved to a country in Asia over a decade ago and I heard from my SIL that their Mum was secretly distraught, crying on the phone to their Auntie. But she concealed it from her son and they keep in touch, Zooming every week.

My DH is aware of this and gives his parents lots of support. You and your sons will get through this.

I’m pretty sure that my DD (nearly 18) will end up far away, she has a real wander lust. I’m already mentally preparing for it, tbh.

Can I just say what lovely mums you all are?
I moved away from my home country, not as far as Oz and not as a permanent move, and my mum made me feel so guilty and like I had betrayed her that it cast such a dark shadow over what was otherwise such a fun and amazing adventure. There were constant comments and digs and she made me feel like a bad daughter for daring to live my life. I can't imagine stifling my own kids freedom like this, no matter how much it hurt. You mums all sound so lovely and supportive.

This sounds very tough but you’re dealing with it exceptionally well.

I know a few people who’ve moved to Oz, a few are happy and get get regular visits (covid aside), one came back because he felt Sydney had got unbearably hot within just a few years, one missed her mum so much she eventually moved her mum over (no idea as to the practicalities of that one, probably helped that she had aussie citizenship by that time).

all of them however say that they’ve maintained good relationships with their parents, possibly better than at home due to more effort on FaceTime etc.

wave her off and start planning your first visit. You’ll be ok. As will she.

My best friend moved to Oz in September. While I was thrilled for her it broke my heart too. And saying you can visit doesn't help at all. I really feel for you.

Thank you for all the messages, I do appreciate people's kindness. It's really interesting to hear from the dc who have emigrated as well as from other parents who have been through similar.

I hadn't really thought about counselling but it might be worth thinking about. I'm not concentrating too much on leaving the family home because DD's imminent departure is distracting me. But I know that leaving here will also be a big upheaval - it's where the dc grew up and where dh died - so counselling might well be a good idea.

I know you never know, but it seems unlikely for various reasons that my boys will have dc of their own. So if/when Dd has a family, I really want to be part of their lives. It's interesting to me to hear how this is working for other families so, again, thank you for sharing.

I know that visiting Dd will happen - but it's unlikely to happen often because of the cost and because of holiday entitlement from work. I won't say I wish she was moving somewhere more accessible because Australia is where she wants to be - but I wish she was moving somewhere more accessible!

I agree with @Pinchelada that it’s important not to make your child feel guilty for emigrating. I now live in my DH’s home country and my Dad makes his resentment very clear, even though I visit regularly. My Mum was the opposite (she lived in several countries herself) and encouraged me to do what was best for me. I’m sure you’re the same. 💐

Yes I wouldn't make any of my dc feel guilty for their life choices - my own dm was a gold standard guilt-tripper and manipulator. I vowed to never be the type of parent she was.

How sad for u, my friends s emigrated it caused the dad to have a mental breakdown (they didn’t tell the son).
If u feel overwhelmed make sure u visit yr GP as soon as possible to get the help u need.

Yes, our relationship had never really recovered although I think she realised that her comments and passive aggressive behaviour was pushing me further away, so she has stopped now. I have an amazing, fun, exciting, fulfilling life that is actually better than anything I could have imagined for myself and wish my mum would tell me she is proud of me for the life I have carved out for myself, especially as I know that she really struggled through the years. Sorry to hear your dad is the same.