My Dd is emigrating and my heart is breaking

[Peonyist]

She's my only Dd (although I do have ds's), is 28 and is emigrating to Australia on 20 May. She's so excited and I'm happy for her, she deserves some happiness.

But I just feel like my heart is breaking. I'm widowed and I've also just sold our family home of the last 25 years so I know that this too is affecting my emotions.

She still lives with me and we get on brilliantly - we holiday together, we socialise together, nobody makes me laugh the way she does. I've got to the stage though where I'm avoiding her because I can't stop crying and I don't want her to see me crying. I know there's face time and Skype, I know I can go and visit her, but right now that's not much consolation.

Tomorrow, Dd, myself and one of my ds's are going away for the night to see another of my ds's so they can say goodbye. It will be really emotional I'm dreading it.

Im not really sure why I'm posting, I know there isn't really anything that can be said, I just wanted to write down how I'm feeling :(.

My son moved to Canada 20 years ago. It was really tough at the time. This was also a time before face time or Skype, just expensive phone calls once a week.
I knew, for him, it was the best thing, but it is so hard to have your child so far away.
He married a Canadian girl and now they have three children and have a really good life there. He will never move back to the UK.
I have been there many times over the 20 years and we keep in touch via WhatsApp and Skype now. The pandemic was tough as we couldn't visit in person for over two years, but we kept in touch constantly.

It is hard to watch your child go so far [ obviously Australia is further than Canada ], but it is good to see that we have raised secure, independent children.
I would go to the airport with your daughter. It will be hard, but I think you would regret not seeing her off. There will be tears, but that will be expected on both sides. I cried many tears when my son first left, and every time I left again in Canada. There is nothing wrong with that.

I wish you all the best.

My dd moved 3500 miles away 8 years ago and I was devastated, she was only 20. I cried for weeks but then I made plans to visit 4 months after she moved and that kept me focused and had something to look forward to. Like another poster said, we probably chat more now - she doesn't like video calls but we WhatsApp or voice note at least 10 times a day. I also visit every 3 months and she comes here twice a year. I honestly empathise with you, as I think the lead up to them moving is the worst. I was like a crying banshee 🤣

I have a friend who has been manipulated over the years by her parents into not taking opportunities she would have loved to have taken.

Her parents are elderly (but not THAT) elderly, with no health conditions. Yet they've persuaded her that they will be dead soon and that she will be losing out on time spent with them if she moves overseas. She's already living a slightly suppressed life in order to please them and, while she doesn't overtly resent them, I can tell that she's chafing to have her freedom. Although, by the time her parents do die, she may well have passed all the chances for a new life (she may well be retired, for a start, and all those lovely exciting jobs will have passed her by).

She is one of the reasons I can swallow my tears when my DD jets back off to her lovely (and high earning) job in Australia. Because I know she has to be free to take whatever opportunities she wants to, without my opinions sucking the joy from it for her.

Roots and Wings. She'll always be your baby girl but she is about to fly. Be proud of her. Start planning your first holiday to Oz.

Good for your sister though, living the one life she gets on her own terms, and not feeling forced to turn down opportunities because of the preferences of those around her. Good on your parents for supporting her too, because she’s done nothing wrong.

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My parents come from different countries, and they both live away from their home countries. I’ve emigrated twice (once away from them), although currently I’m temporarily in the same country as them. Have recently been told that they’re emigrating again at the end of the year now they’ve both retiring. My brother will likely remain in the UK for the time being, and my husband and I will be leaving in two years.

There’s a lot of emigration in my family, and it’s not uncommon in either of their home countries. As such it’s not seen as a massive and/or unthinkable endeavour.

I don’t think there’s that many things one can do in life where you cause that level of distress to other people and the correct response is “good on you” 🤷‍♀️

We don’t own other peoples lives. Especially we don’t own our children’s lives.
We have them for a short time, and we hope they are not tethered to us for our own comfort and benefit, but find themselves, their passions and wings.

This is not about us.

Yes it’s painful but the alternative is a selfish, narcissistic demand that they stay. For you. It’s very selfish.

whereas the distress to your sister had she been guilted into staying would have been acceptable? As if ‘don’t live the life you want to, because I wouldn’t like it. Live your life according to what I want’ isn’t a horrible thing to demand of someone.

Yes, good on her. She took an opportunity and made the choice that was best for her as an independent adult deciding the course of her own life. And again, good on your parents for recognizing that and not making it about them.

That's kind of touching, OP I don't think my parents even noticed very much when I left my home country in my early 20s! (Eldest of a large family I think they were probably relieved to have a bit more space at home...)

I think you should be very kind to yourself -- you're dealing with a lot of loss at the moment, and while, absolutely, there are all kinds of good things on the horizon, you need to let yourself feel the sadness, too. I'd second a pp's suggestion of counselling. It can really help to know there's a space once a week where for 50 minutes it's all about you, and what you are actually feeling, not the need to keep a bright smile on/stiff upper lip.

I'd take her to the airport, but it's OK to be sad when you're there.

Big hugs op. I'd be devastated (and jealous for the adventure!). I only have one dc and if she moved away I'd follow her (if she was happy for me to it).

When I told one friend that my dd was moving to Oz she was horrified and said 'but how can you let her?'

I pointed out that dd was 25 years old, very mentally stable, and looking for opportunities that she couldn't have over here. There was no question of my 'letting her'. But it did make me see that friend differently - that she'd think I somehow 'possessed' my children and had any power over their futures.

My brother (only sibling) has lived in Oz for 20 years. Our parents are both passed away. I miss him a lot but when we do see each other every couple of years we always do something special and take time off to holiday together whether we are visiting them or vice versa. He andhis family have a great life over there and we've had some great visits so I try not to think about what might have been if we had lived close by each other.

This thread has made me tearful.

You've got an awful lot going on OP, lost your DH, selling the family home, DD emigrating (and the fact that she still lives with you is obv making this harder). I'd be in bits.

You sound like a wonderful mum and I'm sure your DD is going to have a fabulous time, what an adventure! Try to get out there later this year/early next.

I have two DDs in their early 20s, one still at home, one graduated from uni and has stayed in her uni town. She's only 3 hours away and I miss her immensely. I can't imagine how I'd feel if either of them emigrated to Oz. But it's not about us is it, it's their lives and they need to live them to the full.

Yes it’s not just about the feeling of loss and daughter, but all of the many very big life changes you have had to endure. In combination it must be incredibly painful op. It will take some getting used to - hopefully your visits will bring some wonderful unexpected surprises that enrich your life.

Just for the record your dd will be finding this so difficult too, you sound like a lovely mother and someone that won’t be easy to leave. She will be feeling upset at the idea of leaving you. I also think once she gets there she is likely to feel very very far away. So be prepared, as it may not be her sailing effortlessly into an adventure. The reality can be quite different.

My daughter emigrated at the age of 26. I also was heartbroken

But

You make conscious efforts to stay in tough. You travel and spend quality time with them. It's honest not as bad as you imagine. And it's such a wonderful opportunity for her

You poor love, so much going on at once. My daughter lived with me, but didnt know what to do after uni, so she left for the USA where a good friend of hers was, and she is still there 8 years on. My husband had walked out on us about 8 months earlier which I was still in absolute bits about, and the day she left I just couldnt stop crying, but she just smiled indulgently and hugged me. She knew I was excited for her and didnt for a second wish she wasnt leaving for her sake. The build up is often when I do my real grieving because the morning of the following day I woke up and the tears were gone and I was fine. Then there is all the excitement of seeing how they are getting on and establishing themselves when they get there, and I visited a few months after she arrived. She was so excited and I was so proud of her, I dont think I would have had the guts to emigrate half way across the world like she did. Sometimes I think it doesnt matter how far away a person is, if they arent actually with you they might as well be in the next village as in another country. And you have given them roots and wings; you have succeeded as a parent. You never know what the future holds, children have a tendency to return home to live with you when you least expect it. Sending you hugs xx

I think this says more about your parents and you than your sister.... It is very sad if the happiness and fulfilment of an entire family is dumped on one child. This might be why she left! Maybe you should all try doing what she did - and be responsible for your own happiness/growth/companionship.

I agree with this comment. I have known people who have buried their dreams and stayed in their home town because of pressure from parents, and it does breed resent. I'm an only child and didn't move away, but that was my choice. I know full well that if I had said I wanted to move to the moon my parents would have supported that decision and not tried to dissuade me for their own selfish reasons. A whole family's life being changed because one of them chooses to move away is not healthy. I'm not in the UK and it is very common for young people here to move overseas, and their families just carry on as usual.

It is very sad if the happiness and fulfilment of an entire family is dumped on one child. This might be why she left! Maybe you should all try doing what she did - and be responsible for your own happiness/growth/companionship.

@ganvough I completely agree, while also realizing that it’s far less of a shock if you’re from geographically scattered families like mine and DH’s. Our families are scattered over three continents so we’ll be genuinely surprised if either of our children ends up within driving distance!

Sorry I'm late to your thread but I wanted to add my family friend is going through this right now. Her only daughter (23) is moving to Oz with no plans to return. Friend's fear is her daughter will meet someone over there and live their forever. She's so upset about it.

I know I would be heartbroken if this happened to me too. It all goes so fast. From inside our bodies, to lying on our chests, to wrapping their little arms around our legs, school and graduation. In the blink of an eye we're supposed to raise these little people and watch them blossom and run free all the while holding our vulnerable hearts with them. I like the PPs message about our children being on loan to us but boy does is hurt when it's time for them to go.

That's sad ShipSpace. My sister and I are all but out of touch now. She emigrated a good few years ago. It was not really possible for us to maintain any closeness with never seeing each other. To be fair though, she's a very difficult woman who thinks she is allowed to verbally hit out at people so maybe we'd have drifted too if she lived in the same country. We used to be very close though. I think there is no substitute for real contact. Those people who are wealthy enough to trave may have different experiences of emigration and it sounds like the OP might be able to? yes it can be devastating for those who thought they would see their family member regularly and now they can't any more but in the end if people don't want to stay, they don't and I don't think anyone would want someone to stay if they themselves don't want to.

@literalviolence Thats sad that you’re no longer in touch. Have you tried WhatsApp? It’s free and a great way to stay in touch over different time zones.

Plus you can mull over your response before replying if someone’s being difficult!

I read an article once about being a parent and it has stayed with me since

It basically said that if you do your job well as a parent, you make yourself redundant. I had tears in my eyes reading it at the time but I do think it's true. We have our children for 18y to make them the best people they can be - and ultimately, what we want is for them to have the capability to spread their wings and soar!!!

I'll be exactly the same as you though if my 2 boys disappear long distance 😂

I dislike facetime and WhatsApp videos.. but either way it's not the same.
not everyone is able to visit once a year. Oz or New Zealand is very expensive and you need often need to use most of your holiday from work.
Also the flights are a killer.
You grow apart easily if you were never that close in the first place which is a shame.
I have a brother and nephew and niece and probably will only see them.every few years unless I decide to visit but currently can't afford to..plus its so stressful. As much as its great to see them , the pressure is a lot as you are trying to fit so much into a short amount of time.

And or course living with family as adults, arguments happen..its not the great amazing times you see on tv/ films.
Holidays with family as adults and you you children around is not plain sailing lol
Everyone has ideas of what they want to do. Time schedules etc etc..trying to see other relatives.
So yeh it's better when relatives don't live the other side of the world!!
Plus they feel isolated being that far away.