My Dd is emigrating and my heart is breaking

[Peonyist]

She's my only Dd (although I do have ds's), is 28 and is emigrating to Australia on 20 May. She's so excited and I'm happy for her, she deserves some happiness.

But I just feel like my heart is breaking. I'm widowed and I've also just sold our family home of the last 25 years so I know that this too is affecting my emotions.

She still lives with me and we get on brilliantly - we holiday together, we socialise together, nobody makes me laugh the way she does. I've got to the stage though where I'm avoiding her because I can't stop crying and I don't want her to see me crying. I know there's face time and Skype, I know I can go and visit her, but right now that's not much consolation.

Tomorrow, Dd, myself and one of my ds's are going away for the night to see another of my ds's so they can say goodbye. It will be really emotional I'm dreading it.

Im not really sure why I'm posting, I know there isn't really anything that can be said, I just wanted to write down how I'm feeling :(.

I moved 12 years ago from my home country to the Caribbean. Although it was emotional, I was very happy that my parents were there to say goodbye at the airport.

My mum and I have more contact now in comparison to when I lived 20 miles further. We normally see each other once per year for 5 or 6 weeks and in between lots of calls , whatsapp etc.

So very sorry for your pain OP. It really is valid. You are her mummy after all. She will always be your baby. A geographical distance can never break that bond. If it’s any consolation, I emigrated to Australia ‘forever’ when I was 25.. I came back after 5 years. It’s an awesome adventure. She will no doubt meet sexy people and do many a beach trips. Then it get very samey and has a habit of feeling claustrophobic despite its size. There’s not much culture, and of course, no cosy pub. Don’t want to get your hopes up, just remember that not everything is static. I promise she will be thinking of you at the second she lands in Oz. I am very close to my four sisters and we chatted every day that I was in Oz.

I am so sorry, I know how this feels. My DD emigrated at 21, she is a 5 hour flight away and very happy there but it was so hard. She lived with me before she left and the last weeks were tense because of the upset, exactly as you describe.
Her dad came to take her to the airport, and I don't smoke but the night before I was out the back smoking just so I could get my emotions under enough control to wave her off with what looked like a smile.
I didn't stop crying for two days after she left, it was awful.

She has been there 9 years now and I did finally get used to it. I would love her to be local again but she is so happy where she is, with great friends and community.

She says that I raised her to be independent and confident, and I am glad that she is getting to live the life she wants.

Big hugs to you.

She says that I raised her to be independent and confident, and I am glad that she is getting to live the life she wants.

What a lovely compliment, @silverlentils , it shows what a good relationship you have with her.

My sister moved to Australia a long time ago, and when she left, my parents aged 10 years overnight.

They have never shown any of that to her, and she went off to live the high life in the sun.

I’m still annoyed with her for it, to be honest.

@ShipSpace So they weren’t happy that they’d raised an independent adult who was doing what was best for them?

I suppose I don’t understand this as people do move around in my family and I’m expecting my two to potentially live in other countries.

I obviously can't speak for @ShipSpace's parents but I am (currently) an exhausting mix of happy and sad. I cry at the drop of a hat, and I'm very very sad. At the same time, I may not sound it, but I am genuinely happy for her. She knows I love her and will miss her, but she has no idea (I hope) quite how devastated I am.

This

My Australian DP moved to the UK after we met in Australia. He's been here seven years now.
His parents did the same, the opposite way 50+ years ago, so they understood but obviously it's been really hard on all of them.

They have visited here twice (six weeks each trip) and us there twice (three or four weeks each time) in the seven years.

He and they have made some wonderful memories together during these trips that I just don't think they would have done had they been living nearby and he just popped in for a chat or Sunday dinner. So this has been rewarding for everyone, although condensed into spaced out periods of time.

In the next several years we will make the move to Australia as a family and so it will be me leaving behind my friends and family (although I did already go for two years).

@Peonyist - yes, that sounds exactly like my parents. They put on a brave face and wished her well happily. They FaceTime a lot, and have stayed close.

However, she was never here to see the actual impact on them. They went from fit, middle aged people to ‘old’ overnight.

You cannot underestimate the physical impact that level of emotional stress has on the body.

Everybody still puts a brave face on it all, and looks forward visits, but it changed all our lives.

That must be so hard for you. Hugs 💐

My son lives a continent away. He's happy, with a good job and a partner. I'm so proud of him! There's a tiny part of my heart that is still a bit broken though. I keep it well hidden. We see him at least twice a year and I can now drop him at the airport without crying when I say 'goodbye'.

What must it have been like 100 years ago when parents waved their offspring off on ships, knowing that in all probability they'd never see them again. Thank goodness for WhatsApp and Facetime.

I know how you feel. Six weeks ago my 18 year old left for New Zealand.
The last few days were awful. Thinking about them still brings tears to my eyes (like right now). In the first four or five days after he left I’d be fine one minute then I’d think about him and it would literally take my breath away.
It’s getting easier and we text every day and have FaceTimed a few times.

Although I want him to be happy I still mutter under my breath “just come home” sometimes.

What an emotional thread. I can feel the sadness in it 😢. It is a big deal. Feel all the emotions and maybe counselling might help? I noticed you said you’re own mum was master manipulator and you never wanted to be like her. Well it certainly sounds like you’ve achieved that, and you’ve clearly raised a confident go-getter, however try not to deny these huge feelings. Maybe there’s a lot to unpick and counselling may help?

You must also feel overwhelmed with pride at this confident women who is your daughter. I’ve cried reading this thread. 😢

I would be devastated OP big hugs x

I would be devastated. I only have one child and if he emigrated so far away I don't know what I would do

You sound like a wonderful mum. I moved abroad and my dad found it hard but he lives an hour from my brother and close to my other brother and I know he's close to their families. He's been out to visit twice and coming again.

Pre covid I did also go at least annually. If she has kids it obviously becomes harder to make that trip but I'd take it a day af a time. I'd also go to the airport if you can. She will expect tears but it'll be harder not to go.

Just treat yourself as well as you possibly can for the next 6months and try not to get excited if she calls and talks about coming back because she's homesick. Most people take a year to acclimatise.

I would be absolutely heartbroken if my dd emigrated somewhere so far away.

As it is, she is at university 5 hours away, only comes home for a fraction of each holiday and I hate it. I'm really proud of how well she's coped moving away and academically how brilliantly she's doing but I miss her SO much, it's like a little piece of me is off wandering about by itself and it's not until she's home that I feel whole again. I recognise that this nor healthy though and I'm really trying to address it (seeing a therapist) because despite me trying very hard to disguise it, she knows how much I miss her and it makes her feel bad. I would never have dreamed of stopping her going wherever she wanted though when she picked where she wanted to study.

The thing is, I could get in the car in the morning and be with her by the afternoon so I know it's completely different to her moving permanently so far away. OP my heart really goes out to you.

I absolutely feel for you OP. I think it must be even harder because she lives with you, so it's an even bigger adjustment. DS is heading to Australia in July, but it's only for a year on a student placement. Because he's already away, albeit only 2 hours in the car, it's not as hard, because I've already had the adjustment of him not being at home. I am however dreading the thought that he's going to love it so much that he's going to want to go back again on a more permanent basis. He's already looking at opportunities to do a masters degree over there.
It seems like you've done a good job as a parent that you've got such a close bond & that you've raised an independent, confident young woman who is taking every opportunity to make the most of what life offers.
Take all the time you need to adjust (counselling was a good idea from another poster), stay busy with your hobbies and friends & look forward to planning the trips to see her. Good luck OP & please return to the thread to let us know how you're getting on over the next few months

My first born emigrated to Australia 10 years ago. I was happy for her. I miss my GC but they are having a much better life in Aus than they would in UK.

10 years on I still miss DD and GC but I’m still happy for them. I save like mad to fly over to see them whoever I can.

Parents come from a small island so it's very common for people to emigrate (job opportunities, higher standard of living). I only noticed in the UK people can't seem to cope when their loved ones move abroad. My aunt didn't emigrate but her son did to the UK. Her other son and husband died, so she is all alone. She comes to the Uk about once a year to visit her grandchildren since the deaths of her son and husband.

I live in a place where a lot of people emigrate from and to, and I also notice many in the UK seem to think it is the end of the world when a DC moves away. People here are sad of course if that happens, but seem more realistic about it. I've certainly never seen/heard of anyone aging 10 years because a child spread its wings and moved overseas. It's something people have been doing for centuries.

My SIL was desperate to emigrate. Desperate. With her family and small children. But the intense negativity and guilt-inducing sadness from her parents (mainly her father, her mother was distraught but kept it slightly masked) meant she felt she couldn’t. It would have been an incredible opportunity for them in their careers. I know her husband is wretched over her abrupt 180 on it and he knows what manipulation caused it.

It’s such a shame. And it’s really good you’re not doing that to her.

Imagine if your sadness meant your daughter was worried about going and even changed her mind. I rather expect you wouldn’t want that for her. So your sadness is one of those prices we pay for the happiness of someone else.

FWIW I think she’s mad! As someone who didn’t have close or loving family I am intensely envious of those who do.

I would much rather have a mum who loved me living close by than a new country to live in.

My DD (22) still lives at home and even the idea of her moving out makes me miserable. I feel guilty for my selfishness so I try to think about how she'll benefit from "leaving the nest". If she moved far away, I think I'd have to consider following her! I understand so well how you feel, OP and sympathize wholeheartedly.