‘Good’ men who suddenly leave for OW: does it last? Limerence?

[PepperSalt]

I found this thread title hard to write succinctly, so will try to explain better here.

Background: I’m a regular who has NC . A few months ago my H of over 20 years left a marriage extremely suddenly and shockingly, without warning to be with the OW, with whom he has an emotional affair. We have one adult and one older teen DC and my H was known by everyone as such a solid , great guy. A real family man. Relatives on both sides have questioned whether he’s having a breakdown because it’s so out of character. It turns out that he has actually told himself, as well a me, a version of The Script so he detached from me as he got closer to her.

My question:
If the man leaves a long ‘good enough’ marriage with supportive extended family, a strong family unit including DC (plus a lovely home and a great lifestyle in our case), in order to gain the excitement of being with a younger woman who he has fallen for head over heels, does the new relationship generally last?

My reasons for asking:
I recently stumbled across the concept of limerence when reading an old thread on MN and it occurred to me that my H may not have found his new life partner in mid life after all, but may have fallen for something more transient.

I’m not writing this in a state of false hope that he will return. I’m genuinely just curious about others’ experiences.

If you know other ‘solid , reliable, family men’ who left their longstanding marriages in similar circumstances, did the relationship with the OW last?

Did the man grow to regret and fully recognise the sacrifices he had made when he left?

TIA

*Had an emotional affair. They are ‘together’ now but not living together.

Who cares? Fuck him.

Good men don’t go looking in the first place.

@QueefofSheena thats why I put good in inverted commas!!

My dad's has lasted. My mum has actually had a much more exciting life without him and his is quite boring. He left after 32 years of marriage.

A friends husband left for OW. He was a great husband and father by all accounts, they always seemed so happy. As you say, good family support.

He and OW are still together 10 years later. Married and child together. They seem as though they’re still very happy together (although obviously I don’t know what happens behind closed doors)

Highly unlikely it was just an emotional affair. Most men would not leave a marriage without sampling what's on offer. It could work out more likely he will feel miserable but if he was a good man he wouldn't have done this. He probably wasn't a good man but hid it well.

I hate the has he had a breakdown line, it shows the person who said it has never witnessed a breakdown.

The person breaks down, like a car they stop functioning.

He’s having fun having sex with a younger woman. The mental health nurses won’t be ringing to prescribe emergency diazepam & a referral to the community psychiatric nurse for that.

I know quite a few that have left for someone they met at work and all of them are still together years later and are happy.

My mum did it to my dad and they was together 20 years till he died.

I know someone who left his wife of 20 years and family for OW. He and OW are still married - apparently happy, so far as it’s possible to tell - over 20 years later.

I’m not writing this in a state of false hope that he will return. I’m genuinely just curious about others’ experiences.

I don't think you are 'just curious.' That's a very disengaged way of speaking about your husband. I think you're probably hoping that if you stay cool and don't burn any bridges, that he'll come back.

It's ok to be absolutely fucking furious with him. It's ok to not want to speak to him. It's ok to start divorce proceedings. What you are currently doing is telling yourself you're not bothered , whilst also being desperately bothered. And that's ok.

A lot of men do come grovelling back once the shine has worn off for the OW ( and that's usually how it works, she realised she's landed herself a man with a Fuck tonne of baggage and financial burdens and does a runner, then he ' finds himself' again and crawls back to the wife.)

The question you should be asking is not whether this happens, but why on Earth you would care given that he's disrespected you so fundamentally.

Some will regret, some won't. There's no rule in these situations.

Don’t do that, it’ll send the wrong message! 😅

You're making excuses for him, trying to find explanations other than the one he's given for why he's gone. It's absolutely understandable, anyone would do it. It may last with them and it may not, but you'll never be able to trust him again anyway OP.
Good and bad are strange ideas anyway imo- People are a bit of both. Some would say he did the right thing before having a physical affair, some will think he should have stayed in his family unit, regardless of how he felt. What's important now is you and DC, and for you to realise, whether he's in love or not- This is his doing, and no reflection on you.

And yeah, my hairy arse have they not slept together.

Yes it can be a long term thing. I have watched this happen with two different older couples, people grow apart, especially if they were married young.

Limerence is such a weird concept. When it's used for affairs it seems a desperate attempt to make feelings in an affair sound different to feelings when dating and falling in love with someone appropriately unattached'. That's not how humans work though. The feelings are the same. He fell in lust then in love with someone else. It might last, it might not.

It wasn't just an emotional affair either btw. Bet you anything that's a lie

All the relationships with OW have failed that I know of personally. Some almost immediately and some a few years later.
No one is either good or bad, I imagine lots of once content, happy family people have affairs or leave and it shocks everyone around them.
Relationships with big age gaps are more likely to fail anyway.
He may try to return, when it all goes tits up, but by then you will be living your fantastic new life without him and will wonder what you ever saw in him in the first place.

@LadyOfTheCanyon I didn’t say that I’m not bothered, I said that I’m not clinging onto hope he’ll return. I am feeling weirdly detached. I think it’s a staged of grief/ loss thing that really fluctuates.

@FormerlyPathologicallyHappy there was another (very serious) trigger for the breakdown angle. Something else unrelated is going on in his life that people feel has impacted mental health and judgment. I didn’t want to put it in the op as it’s outing and not part of the key question. I al not in the slightest bit flippant about mental health x

Thank you so much to all posters for sharing.

If you know other ‘solid , reliable, family men’ who left their longstanding marriages in similar circumstances, did the relationship with the OW last?

My father.

And no.

He's been restless & unhappy for the last 30 years (since he left my mother). He's a weak and incompetent man.

In my DF's case - yes. Over 40 years so far.

I know a husband who left wife for OW, he is now unhappy, realises he has made a mistake and the grass isn’t greener and now wants to return to his wife. But feels he can’t. Longterm marriage with older children.

There's no one single answer - it could be limerence, it could be a fling, it could be love and they will both be very happy together for the rest of their lives.

I actually think it's the serial cheaters who are more likely to regret leaving their wife and for whom the new relationship doesn't last.

I think that the idea of people being intrinsically 'good' or 'bad' is a simplistic way of thinking about human nature. Most people do a mixture of good and bad things, in different proportions. I think that the majority of people are capable of cheating in particular circumstances, whatever they tell themselves and however good a life they've led up to that point. And if those circumstances include forming a strong emotional bond with someone, then I think there's every chance that it will last. Particularly if they've broken up a marriage and family for it - that's a massive incentive to make the new one work.

@Reallybadidea I think I agree with you. I suppose I used the term ‘good’ in inverted commas to distinguish between serial cheaters, abusive men etc