‘Good’ men who suddenly leave for OW: does it last? Limerence?

[PepperSalt]

I found this thread title hard to write succinctly, so will try to explain better here.

Background: I’m a regular who has NC . A few months ago my H of over 20 years left a marriage extremely suddenly and shockingly, without warning to be with the OW, with whom he has an emotional affair. We have one adult and one older teen DC and my H was known by everyone as such a solid , great guy. A real family man. Relatives on both sides have questioned whether he’s having a breakdown because it’s so out of character. It turns out that he has actually told himself, as well a me, a version of The Script so he detached from me as he got closer to her.

My question:
If the man leaves a long ‘good enough’ marriage with supportive extended family, a strong family unit including DC (plus a lovely home and a great lifestyle in our case), in order to gain the excitement of being with a younger woman who he has fallen for head over heels, does the new relationship generally last?

My reasons for asking:
I recently stumbled across the concept of limerence when reading an old thread on MN and it occurred to me that my H may not have found his new life partner in mid life after all, but may have fallen for something more transient.

I’m not writing this in a state of false hope that he will return. I’m genuinely just curious about others’ experiences.

If you know other ‘solid , reliable, family men’ who left their longstanding marriages in similar circumstances, did the relationship with the OW last?

Did the man grow to regret and fully recognise the sacrifices he had made when he left?

TIA

The other way- dh’s ex had an “emotional” affair and kicked him out for the other bloke.

they’ve lasted 20 years.

however they have completely rewritten the script, it is now dh who had the affair (with me), despite the fact they were living together before we even met. Kids believe it, they believe it.

she also had all the wheels in motion long before she made the jump- “confidentially” asking for advice from close friends, telling in laws how hard she was finding him, he was working too much (her idea as she was building up the joint account she emptied). She needed “weekends away” for her mental health etc.

she’s completely rebuilt the narrative of him being so awful, then cheating and leaving. Her finding happiness and new bloke taking her kids on. She even wanted new bloke to have PR for their kids.

I don’t actually know what limerence is but i do think these people are in denial about their own behaviour.

Thing is, no one will ever know if the OW is a true love of his life or it's limerance, because many men might just stay knowing it's too difficult/embarrassing to go back.

I think for a lot of people, it's the desire to start afresh, a new beginning, a break from the mundane that triggers the affair. Not that they're unhappy with their ex or not in love anymore. And I guess at middle age options for new beginnings aren't as easy or plentiful, so they turn to an affair to 'rescue' them. Also cowardly.

Good and bad person is too black and white. He could have been a good husband and father for 24 years and one day decided he wanted something else - doesn't negate the years of being good. It makes him self absorbed for not wanting to work on things with you or find other avenues to happiness but not necessarily bad.

I'm really sorry this happened but you shouldn't feel like this is anything to do with you. Some people sleep walk into life doing what's expected of them, and only really think about what they want when much older. Frustrating and scary and no way to avoid it as you'll never be a mind reader.

But try to not focus on his reasons and life choices as you'll turn yourself mad and feel awful - all you can focus on is what you want from your future.

It's perfectly possible

Guy on our street left his wife and hitched up with the cliched younger member of staff from the office.

Lasted a year and he was in my front room crying about what a big mistake he had made. Turns out it's not so exciting when you are back in the routine of living together with someone and all the faults that exposes. The fact that they aren't living together yet may mean there is some hope as once the excitement of the relationship has gone and it's about washing someone's skidmarked undies, it is different.

Sorry this happened to you.

Btw in the above story, his wife had moved on in the interim and got a new boyfriend so they didn't get back together. She's now happily in a relationship and he's single and unhappy!

My ExH was a 'nice' 'safe' man and a 'good, hands-on' dad to our 3 DSes. We'd been together 22 years. He left due to a mid-life crisis for the OW. They have been happily married for 10 years as far as I can tell. Bastard.

It’s funny how these threads go. Woman = limerence. Men = sex mad monster.

FWIW, I’m a woman and don’t believe that affairs are black and white, people have affairs for all kinds of reasons (not justifying) but I don’t believe in limerence either. Limerence seems to be used to excuse crushes that women (in particular, I’ve not seen it used for men) have failed to keep in perspective and have allowed to spill out into stalker type thoughts and behaviours. Meanwhile there is a whole community romanticising this stuff as ‘limerence’.

OP, I don’t know the answer in your particular situation. I suggest you get some counselling on your own to move forward and then if he decides he does want to come back, you will be able to make a decision as the whether that’s actually what you want.

Most relationships that start by one or both of them cheating rarely last.

Firstly, they are together in an unrealistic sense.
They are basically just in a honeymoon period because they don’t know each other’s true personalities.
When they start a proper relationship they realise the person is not all that they seemed.

Secondly, most people would struggle to be in a relationship with a cheater, even if you’re the one they cheated with.
It causes them to be paranoid and insecure because they start thinking well if they cheated on their ex with me, who’s to say they won’t cheat on me with someone else.

So your DH may live happily ever after with the women but it’s most likely that in a few months/years they’ll end it.
If they stay together then its unlikely it would be a happy relationship.

However, if they do separate it doesn’t guarantee that he’ll come back to you (although I wouldn’t put it past him).

What is really important is that you recognise how little he thinks of you and you do not take him back.

You can never get back to being truly happy with him as you’ll always remember what he did and you’ll end up destroying your life over it.

2 of my friends dads left for ow after years of marriage both went back to their wives grass wasn't greener there

My old boss was a ‘good’ man. He was great with us all at work, dependable and hard working. He talked about his wife and kids all the time. So I was shocked a few years later that he’d left his wife and kids for a much younger version of his ex wife. They now have a son and daughter (like he had with his last wife) and he’s definitely had a hair transplant and they’ve got married.
would never have thought it of him. He was so dedicated to them.

Mine is still with OW 10+ years later, married her when she got pregnant.

I know two who did this.

In one case the man and other woman got married but the OW divorced him after less than two years so I'm pretty sure they both regret it!

In the other case I think the man did really love the OW and left his wife and family for her, but the OW decided to stay with her husband and moved away. He tried to get back with his wife but she said no. I'm not sure if he regretted it - I don't think he was happy or well suited to his wife, and I'm sure he'd have stayed with the OW if she'd left her husband for him. But I think he did miss his children.

"If you know other ‘solid , reliable, family men’ who left their longstanding marriages in similar circumstances, did the relationship with the OW last?"

I was a "solid, reliable family woman who left a longstanding marriage" (no kids though). I've been with the OM for 14 years, we married, and we have a son.

My partner of almost twenty years now left his awful lonely life behind when he left his wife. The marriage was stale and they did not love each other. The only thing she wanted was his money and the thing he wanted which was a happy life had never happened so he left while he still had a life to live and not to simply exist.
This is not just his story - all of his family have told me how they waited for years to see him smile. Not a single one of them liked his wife and said they should never have got married.

He went to live with his parents.
He never went back. Why would he? He had wanted to leave for a very long time but did not know where to begin.

She rewrote history. She told a story to anyone who would listen that they were happy when they were not.
Later, when he met me, she told people I was the OW. That was a downright lie. She also invented a personality for me - never having ever met me - but that I was a slut who broke his marriage up. I ruined lives apparently. I have been with him for a long time now and have never met this woman.
My point?
Not everyone is the same and not every man who had a great life with his wife actually did have a great life. It was all in his wife's head and not the truth.
Sorry if that hurts OP. Sometimes you need to hear the truth from another's perspective

When my marriage ended, noone saw it coming, least of all me. He had an affair with a colleague. We divorced but they split up very quickly for whatever reason.

I know one who left his wife for her best friend - they're now married and supposedly blissfully happy. I have no idea how they have the brass neck to show their faces tbh.

I know another who left his wife for the OW, had a baby with her and then went back to his wife. They then had the child 50/50 custody for 18 years. I find it bizarre tbh.

I know another who left his wife for a friends wife. None of them are still together.

I also know another woman this time who left her husband for his best man. They're married and have 3 kids and seem very in love but I'm definitely not as convinced by her being a 'good' person as I used to be.

My SIL has a husband you would have thought was a good man. He had an affair with her much younger best friend. They moved in together. After a short period the OW went back to her husband and SILs husband appeared at the door of the marital home with the phrase" X has gone back to her husband and I don't want to be in the flat on my own so can I move back". She let him and they are still together. The 'episode' as it is known in the family has never been forgotten and the 2 of them are together but ,honestly, they have just sucked the life out of each other. It doesn't matter whether your husband stays with her or comes back . The only thing that matters to you should be you. Make a life thats brilliant for you regardless of the whims of a man. The absolute wish in my husband's family is that the OW had stayed with their BIL for another 6 months. SIL would have gone a long way towards rebuilding her life,sold the family home and seen that life would be so much better without him. Sadly he reappeared at the point where it was easier to take him back than to walk away .

It sounds like you're doing your utmost to justify his behaviour.... and you really can't. He's moved on, time for you to dust yourself off and start again. The man you fell in love with has long gone.

When my Dad left my Mum for the OW, she told everyone he'd had a breakdown, it was stress, and made every excuse under the sun for why he did it and why she was going to take him back when he "saw sense". He lived with the OW for 15 happy years until she died suddenly. And when that happened, I think Mum still had a flare of hope that he'd then come back. Took her nearly 20 years to recover from his leaving; thankfully she met my stepdad who was very persistent with her and they've now been married for 10 years.

Yes & No

He probably weighed up his options, he definitely had his choices to pick from but it's also very likely he had thought about it before & put it off until the kids were older/he had a better reputation/things were easier & what your stuck with & suffering from is the end result.... a complete out-of-the-blue 'it was great but im done now' & realistically unless theres a proper medical reason (minor concussions/brain injury/health trauma) he'll only really come back if it goes down hill, he struggles more then he thought or the grass just isn't greener sorry

My 22 year marriage broke up owing to DH having an affair. Their relationship 9has lasted over 20 years now. I have no idea if they are happy. I and any one who knew him, would have called him a good father and a loyal partner before it all went tits up. However over the last 20 years once I was over the shock, I realised that I was deluded, he wasn't a good partner or father at all, I put up with a lot of selfish behaviour towards me and our sons, that I shouldn't have. His subsequent behaviour towards his sons caused a lot of damage to their mental health, and he just seems to have got worse as the years go on. His grandchildren have now been subjected to his intransigence, to the extent that their mother discourages contact.

It’s a difficult one but I personally question the idea that the first marriage is necessary the right one, the true love, the “right “ relationship and that any relationships born from affairs are “wrong” and caused by people having a midlife crisis or a breakdown. I think it’s a simplistic and idealistic way of seeing relationships. One could argue that an older person with some life experience and baggage makes a more rational decision than a young twenty something getting married for the first time and signing a lifelong contract.
I know there are men who leave their long -standing relationships for lust or just for physical attraction rather than anything meaningful but I struggle to view things as black and white and put first / long-standing marriages on pedestal.

🤣🤣🤣

Limerance is the name given for the fantasy phase of falling in love right? I've only ever see it used when it's unrequited or unfulfilled, but most couples falling in love go through this shared fantasy in the beginning. I think it really depends on the people...once the fantasy phase ends...its 2 humans and all their annoying flaws. Does it actually work?

I suspect though, a lot of these may work out because unless the new relationship is utterly dire, there's a lot of pressure for it to work...you left a family, a long marriage, a nice home, memories....you did all that. So it has to work.

*Most relationships that start by one or both of them cheating rarely last.

Secondly, most people would struggle to be in a relationship with a cheater, even if you’re the one they cheated with.
It causes them to be paranoid and insecure because they start thinking well if they cheated on their ex with me, who’s to say they won’t cheat on me with someone else*

this is what really pisses me off about being painted as the OW.

involved men are an absolute non-negotiable for me. If they can cheat on their partners, they can cheat on me. That is a completely solid line I would never cross. If someone thinks I am their whatever, they can extricate themselves from their current situation first. No cross over. Ever. Same for me, if I ever find myself wanting an affair, then the marriage isn’t working and I leave first.

dh is actually the same. Being a family, children etc is who he is. I am as certain as anyone can be he would not risk it. He desperately tried to make his first marriage work, counselling, agreeing to all her demands- not knowing that she had her exit all planned, and it was all for appearances.

This

Thought I’d written this post for a minute 😂

It's not popular on Mumsnet to say but most exit affairs I know did go on to last and be happy. Most of them were committed by 'good' men who frankly carried on being 'good' to their new wife. They didn't leave in the best way and certainly hurt the ex-wife on their way out the door. I think it's more often than not 'good' ones that do this because they repress a lot of how they feel because they could never justify leaving their wife and family for their own needs. Then someone comes along and they fall in love and jump ship in spectacular fashion.

Then you have the serial cheats who have bigger issues and simply are chasing the next high. They're two distinctly different camps in my experience.