‘Good’ men who suddenly leave for OW: does it last? Limerence?

[PepperSalt]

I found this thread title hard to write succinctly, so will try to explain better here.

Background: I’m a regular who has NC . A few months ago my H of over 20 years left a marriage extremely suddenly and shockingly, without warning to be with the OW, with whom he has an emotional affair. We have one adult and one older teen DC and my H was known by everyone as such a solid , great guy. A real family man. Relatives on both sides have questioned whether he’s having a breakdown because it’s so out of character. It turns out that he has actually told himself, as well a me, a version of The Script so he detached from me as he got closer to her.

My question:
If the man leaves a long ‘good enough’ marriage with supportive extended family, a strong family unit including DC (plus a lovely home and a great lifestyle in our case), in order to gain the excitement of being with a younger woman who he has fallen for head over heels, does the new relationship generally last?

My reasons for asking:
I recently stumbled across the concept of limerence when reading an old thread on MN and it occurred to me that my H may not have found his new life partner in mid life after all, but may have fallen for something more transient.

I’m not writing this in a state of false hope that he will return. I’m genuinely just curious about others’ experiences.

If you know other ‘solid , reliable, family men’ who left their longstanding marriages in similar circumstances, did the relationship with the OW last?

Did the man grow to regret and fully recognise the sacrifices he had made when he left?

TIA

Honestly I think it takes so much for them to actually leave their wives, even with full blown affairs going on, they usually don't.

If they take that huge step to come clean and or leave then it's for something he believes in. More than a passing interest.

I agree and it happens across other species that “mate for life”. Some species of male birds have a life long mate and also “pop off” and fertilise a lone female’s eggs. They then leave the lone female raise chicks in their own and raise the chicks with the “lifelong mate”.
I did a biology degree (a long time ago now!) and when we did reproductive behaviours, humans were classed as monogamous with a view to polygamy (both males and females in a different way and hypothesised to be for different reasons).
Having said all that, it is possible to override instinct and make the choice to be monogamous because it damages partners and children when you choose not to.

My DP did this with his marriage, was unhappy, had an affair and left but had no intention of having a relationship with the OW long term. Did not go back to his wife or want to. My situation was very similar, regardless of the relationship with the OM, my marriage was dess in the water

Did you know you were unhappy? What kept you there until you met the OM?

I've only ever seen any reference to Limerence on MN. I've never heard of it anywhere also so I'm not really convinced it exists TBH.

As for you question of do affair relationships last. Its a mixture - just like all other relationships no matter how they start. Some last some don't.

I know of at least 2 different people who were involved in affairs and are still happily together with their affair partner. I also know some who had affairs and it didn't last.

If your ex has had some kind of mental health issue that still doesn't excuse his actions (IMHO). If your relatives are looking to his MH as an excuse or reason for his affair i think they need to focus more on you and how you need support.

OP you are going be ok and start to gain acceptance at some point and it’s at that stage you won’t be hoping/wondering if your husband will come back.

I personally could not bear having a husband come back to me after leaving for o/w as it would affect my mental health badly as I would constantly worry when it would happen again as my trust had been broken so relationship would be doomed. Plus I would be raging and the b*stard would probably be stabbed numerous times in his sleep.

@Peapodburgundybouquet

• Sounds like ‘excusing affairs’ is exactly what you’re doing.

In a ‘bad’ marriage? End it. Don’t fuck someone else and blame your spouse.*

But the OP's husband had an emotional affair, she didn't mention fucking someone else (unless I've misinterpreted the meaning of 'emotional affair').

An affair (or possibility of one) is nearly always what ends a marriage - people can say they are incompatible or they fell out of love but really there's usually someone else they are seeing or interested in. That's not going to change just because the person left behind doesn't like it.

Some people do stay together their whole lives, but expecting people to follow vows is unrealistic in my opinion. People change and yes, cheating is morally wrong, but it happens.

Putting marriage as a respectable life goal has created an expectation that it's for everyone. It's not.

Yes, of course lots of the relationships last. You'll hear a lot of old trope on Mumsnet about 'once a cheater...' 'when a man marries his mistress...' it's silly nonsense spouted to make people feel better.

Some relationships will last, some will fail, just like any other relationship. For some people who have affairs, they never really intend on being with the OW/OM long-term and it's an exit, it's given them the excuse/reason they needed to leave a relationship that wasn't serving their needs (in whatever way).

If I were you, I'd just move on with your own life and try not to give it too much thought. If he regrets it in years to come, that's on him. If he lives the rest of his life in blissful happiness...well there's not much you can do about that other than live your own best life.

"People change and yes, cheating is morally wrong, but it happens."

"they never really intend on being with the OW/OM long-term and it's an exit, it's given them the excuse/reason they needed to leave a relationship that wasn't serving their needs (in whatever way)."

The words in the above quotes "but it happens" and "that wasn't serving their needs" are why it is, in 2023, possible to tell someone who has had children with and spent (as per OP) 20 years of your life with someone (usually having formally and in public agreed to that in some kind of wedding ceremony), maybe you spent 30 years of your life, or 40 years even.

And someone on the internet will tell you that the reason why your marriage did not work was because the relationship was no longer serving your ex spouses needs.

This is life.

The best you can hope for is that the affair partner in question at some point in their own life, whether with the ex spouse or with someone else, is themselves on the receiving end of a betrayal of the same nature and with the same level of consequences for them.

In some cases this does happen, you might not be there to see it but it does.

If he is a good, solid man with a generally honest and caring character , he's unlikely to have left his marriage without deep thought and consideration. I'd suggest he would intend to 'make an honest woman' of his new partner.

Whether his new partner feels the same is to be seen

I've seen this happen many times and I've only known it to work once.

The one that is still together in my view he has a pretty miserable existence balancing the new family and life he created with the one he left behind.

If I was betting I'd say your ex's new relationship will be over within 2 years.

Limerance is only really a thing on MN.

What other guys do is irrelevant, every situation is different.

Many people stay with their affair partner some happily some not so happily.

Unless a guy is a philanderer an affair is always out of character.

Limerance isn’t just a thing on mumsnet! Plenty of relationship books talk about it as the first phase in a relationship.

After how many years do you define a relationship as having lasted? Unless one of the partners has died already that's a really difficult question. Where comes the point when a relationship has made it?

I'd never be able to relax with a cheater. They've proven 100% that if someone better comes along they'll be off.

It's not limerence if it's an active affair and the OW accepted him, limerence goes poof when it's reciprocated. Very doubtful they didn't shag and also doubt it was his first liaison.
I don't think the marriage was good enough for him as when the marriage is good enough even if they cheat they stay with the wife but when a man leaves there there must have been years of neglect and drifting.

There are failed marriages and miserable couples who did not start out as an affair. Faithful partners get cheated on and hurt. Cheaters cheat on each other again or don't. I don't believe in Karma.

This 💯

In my experience, no, it doesn't work out.

But for a number of reasons, they aren't good men to start with (you might think they are but someone who does this isn't good). It's not real, it's a fantasy, once life goes back to normal he'll have the same old problems with her as he did with his wife, as it's him that's the issue. Often a younger woman will want a family so it'll be back to sleepless nights and nappies again, and once you've done that once it's harder to do again.

We all like shiny new things. But unless you have a deep and meaningful connection they lose their shine and he'll be on the hunt for the next shiny new thing in a short while

Lol what a brilliant post.

On the money too - it's people way of rationalising to themselves shit, immoral behaviour by someone they thought was nice and moral.

My ex H left me for OW. 2 years before I supported him through a really difficult time (of his own making) which he was grateful for at the time… it didn’t last with OW, a couple of years. He has never remarried.

We had a close couple as friends. She went through a really hard time with PND which turned into low level depression that dragged on for years. She gained rather a lot of weight and made zero effort. It's not a judgement. I'm sure she was doing her best. He supported her for over 10 years. He was a reasonably attractive high earning man who eventually had an exit affair with a woman he worked with. He was a good man in his first marriage and he's a good man in his second. In his second marriage he's far more self aware and has done some counselling. His first wife spits nothing but venom about him and I get it.

He didn't leave in a kind way but honestly he was always going to leave. There just wasn't enough there for him to stay. There being another woman adds a layer of hurt but the outcome is the same. I just think those 'good' men don't think they will ever leave until presented with an option that brings them so much more happiness.

Complicated but I met someone and had a relationship for about 10 months
Turns out he wasn't single and was a good family man to everyone who knew him and had been with her 11 years and this was a total shock (to me as well of course)

I ditched him obviously and said I knew, and told her, he has gone back to her and they seem perfectly happy together

I should say MN and self help books.

It sounds like you're doing your utmost to justify his behaviour.... and you really can't. He's moved on, time for you to dust yourself off and start again. The man you fell in love with has long gone.

This 100%