‘Good’ men who suddenly leave for OW: does it last? Limerence?

[PepperSalt]

I found this thread title hard to write succinctly, so will try to explain better here.

Background: I’m a regular who has NC . A few months ago my H of over 20 years left a marriage extremely suddenly and shockingly, without warning to be with the OW, with whom he has an emotional affair. We have one adult and one older teen DC and my H was known by everyone as such a solid , great guy. A real family man. Relatives on both sides have questioned whether he’s having a breakdown because it’s so out of character. It turns out that he has actually told himself, as well a me, a version of The Script so he detached from me as he got closer to her.

My question:
If the man leaves a long ‘good enough’ marriage with supportive extended family, a strong family unit including DC (plus a lovely home and a great lifestyle in our case), in order to gain the excitement of being with a younger woman who he has fallen for head over heels, does the new relationship generally last?

My reasons for asking:
I recently stumbled across the concept of limerence when reading an old thread on MN and it occurred to me that my H may not have found his new life partner in mid life after all, but may have fallen for something more transient.

I’m not writing this in a state of false hope that he will return. I’m genuinely just curious about others’ experiences.

If you know other ‘solid , reliable, family men’ who left their longstanding marriages in similar circumstances, did the relationship with the OW last?

Did the man grow to regret and fully recognise the sacrifices he had made when he left?

TIA

I think it depends, one friend had an affair and he ended up leaving his wife and they are still together and I assume happy 7 years later.

I don’t know. But I’d never see a man who did this as ‘good’ again. I’m really sorry he’s done this to you. It’s so cruel.

because they repress a lot of how they feel because they could never justify leaving their wife and family for their own needs.

"For their own needs" is - in my experience as the family of a man like this and my observation of other men who've done this - a deliberate dismissal of the family they've made/ Often they are difficult about money - resentful of the "chains" dragging them down - the children they willingly made.

The very opposite of "good."

My 'good' husband and family man had an affair with a younger OW. I won't say he left our marriage for her as I found out and told him to leave but I suspect it would have gone that way at some point.

He stayed with her for maybe 18 months before he realised their lives and expectations were just too different and then got together with someone a bit older, with two kids of her own (OW didn't have kids). He is now onto number 3 whilst I have been happy in a relationship for almost 4 years of the 5 we have been separated/divorced.

I think the excitement often runs away with them and goes to their head/ego. Sadly, by the time they realise what they have lost, it's usually too late and I hope this will be the case for you x

My dad's has lasted because he burned all his bridges and has no options. He's massively unhappy, clearly aging at a horrendous rate etc. He pretends all is great. It is very sad.

Just to add, I think the reason my exh stayed with the OW as long as he did was to save face after the devastation they caused. Not because she was the love of his life.

Like a pp said they want it to look like it's working. But when they do get together and the reality sets in the woman must realise that she's with a untrustworthy lying cheat and the man realises he's with a manipulative woman who fucks married men and very possibly has no self esteem. Add guilt, lack of respect and resentment and that's probably what splits a lot of them up.

Technically my ex left for an OW - he had decided to leave but persuaded me to stay together for another 8 months while our DC did their exams. He used that time to line up my replacement (destroying my self esteem in the meantime.) I divorced him citing adultery as you could do then - it was just the simplest way. He married her within a few weeks of our decree absolute and that was nearly 20 years ago so they must be happy I guess - they live abroad so it's hard to judge I guess. It was horrible at the time and had such an effect on me that I have never even tried to find anyone else, but I am settled in my singledom now.

I would say many relationships from affairs are like this.

Sorry - meant to say that we were together for 30 years and married for 23.

I’m supporting my lovely friend who this has happened to recently, Thirty year relationship, youngest child about to go to University. Left for a younger woman.

He was actually my friend before her. I have unfortunately had to cross him off my list of the very few men I considered really decent . He was allegedly everything that was good about men. I have 100% taken her side, he has stopped messaging me because he knows I know he had an affair now. I am personally having nothing to do with him again.

Limerance is unrequited love from afar, people don’t get together.

You are in that weird time of trying to reason with it in your head, don’t torture yourself.

I will never understand why people leave to be with OW or OM.

They know the pain it’s going to cause their partners, DCs and even extended family and friends.
They also end up looking like a selfish twat and lose a lot of respect from people they’ve know for years.

Why not just end the relationship and then give it a few weeks and pretend you’ve just met someone new.

That way you won’t hurt anyone and if it doesn’t work out or you think you’ve made a mistake there is a chance your ex will take you back.

Well, you haven't said what the state of your marriage was like before he left you. Did you communicate effectively? Did you have fun together? Did you have sex regularly? Were you kind to one another? Did you have the same goals in life?

Because if the answer to one or more of those is "no", then my answer would be totally different to the answer being "yes".

I only know one man like this and he has happily been with the 'OW' for 15 years. He was and is a good man, but he was in a bad marriage.

I'm not excusing affairs, but they do happen and they will continue to happen. Someone who is totally happy with their marriage will not just leave for someone else.

@ShowUs Many cheats pretend they met OW weeks after leaving. Most women dont fall for that one!

He may have left his marriage and family and got into a relationship with OW but he’ll never be able to escape himself and has had to take himself with him. In my opinion, that hinders most shitty people’s ability to find contentment. They often work harder to maintain the illusion that the second relation is “happier/better” to make it “worth” cruelly upending and imploding their family.

No one has ever solved marital issues by increasing inappropriate interactions with others outside of the relationship. I can’t think of anyone who hasn’t had marital issues at some point in their decades long relationship. You need to work together in the relationship to get past them. Leaving aside abusive relationships where leaving has to be the only appropriate response, then that is in my opinion the honourable thing to do.

@ShowUs · Today 10:05
@EllenLRipley · Today 09:59

My dad's has lasted because he burned all his bridges and has no options. He's massively unhappy, clearly aging at a horrendous rate etc. He pretends all is great. It is very sad.
I would say many relationships from affairs are like this.

What a load of old tosh. I would say many marriages are like this and that is why people go on to have affairs some of which last and some do not.
You only have to look at the relationships board at how some married people with children treat one another and wonder why they think it is OK to behave like that damaging young lives because of selfishness and greed

It still doesn’t excuse affairs though.

if the answers to any of your questions are “no” and you aren’t happy about it. Leave.

leave first, then worry about your next relationship.

Sounds like ‘excusing affairs’ is exactly what you’re doing.

In a ‘bad’ marriage? End it. Don’t fuck someone else and blame your spouse.

Also imo depends on what you mean by "emotional affair". Did he realise that he was in thrall of another woman and then left before he committed adultery?
I know posters will say that he is lying, they will have slept together etc but based on what he has said, I do think it makes a difference.

My Grandfather, My Father & My FIL all left long seemingly happy marriages for a OW out of the blue. (My Grandfather left to a different country to be with the OW) All would have been considered 'good'. They were present in family life, on the face of it respected their wives and were affectionate to their spouses (up to the point the OW appeared)

My Grandfather stayed with his OW until he died. He did write to his sons just before his death to say leaving them and their mother was his life's regret.

My father will tell all and sundry that he despises his OW, now wife. He drunkenly told me that he felt he had to stay or he would have to deal with the embarrassment of blowing up all our lives for no reason except thinking with his groin (then she got pregnant and that was that).

The FIL didn't stay with his OW1. He is now on OW3 and is a deeply unhappy man.

All, at some point asked their wives to come back.

Oddly, all the Ex wives and OW1 (who we all really like) ended up with a better genuinely happier life whereas the cheaters seemed to have not found the grass greener at all.

That way you won’t hurt anyone

Do people really believe that just ending a relationship doesn’t hurt anybody, even when there is no affair?

I think I’d be more hurt and confused if DH just left after almost 30 years together - if he left because he’d met someone else at least I’d have an explanation.

@Lastnamedidntstick

It still doesn’t excuse affairs though.

No I agree and that's exactly what I said - it doesn't excuse affairs and I'm certainly not excusing them.

But affairs happen all of the time - exit affairs are extremely common and always will be.

My DIL left for a younger woman after 10/15 years of marriage. He left behind a nice family and nice home. Didn't see my husband for many years as he was living it up with younger woman.
About 10 years after that she cheated on him with a man her own age and he's been left in a shit financial and emotional position

Not read the whole thread but have read the first couple of posts by OP.
Very similar to my situation.
Often (but not always) this situation has multiple and often teenage / grown up kids in the original marriage (in my case my children were 4 and 5 when he left but we had kids very late and had been married 8 years before they were born); and (ii) the OW is younger or much younger than the man who leaves.

In my case my ex H is still with the OW. However although I have almost no contact with him at all on a day to day basis I have multiple evidence that he is very unhappy.

He left me 8 and a half years ago in October 2014.
In the meantime he has done the whole shebang. By which I mean, new v expensive car, new hair cut, visited on holiday almost every exotic destination in the world you can name, divorce from me which entirely (and I mean entirely) decimated all of our 15 years of joint savings/marriage assets (including a "clean break" divorce meaning he is free to do what he likes bar basic child maintenance) marriage to OW (who was 6 months pregnant at the time) and now at the age of 49 (to be 50 this autumn) has 3 year old. Changed jobs multiple times.

They are still together. She is literally the polar opposite of me. She is 14 years his junior and does not work. He seems to do literally everything in their relationship (both financially / earning and domestically).

To repeat in answer to OP. Expect the whole lot and don't necessarily expect it to end quickly (my ex husband said he was having an "emotional affair" with her before he left, it was probably physical but he left within 2 weeks of telling me and never talked about it since).

I would say expect the whole lot (things like what I have listed above) most especially if your ex husband is a very determined type of person who likes to finish-what-he-started in life. They will stay irrespective of whether they are happy, even irrespective of whether they regret it because the decision is so life changing for them so why not.