Page 6 | ‘Good’ men who suddenly leave for OW: does it last? Limerence?

PepperSalt · 2023-04-21T07:03:49+00:00

I found this thread title hard to write succinctly, so will try to explain better here. Background: I’m a regular who has NC . A few months ago my H of over 20 years left a marriage extremely suddenly and shockingly, without warning to be with the OW, with whom he has an emotional affair. We have one adult and one older teen DC and my H was known by everyone as such a solid , great guy. A real family man. Relatives on both sides have questioned whether he’s having a breakdown because it’s so out of character. It turns out that he has actually told himself, as well a me, a version of The Script so he detached from me as he got closer to her. My question: If the man leaves a long ‘good enough’ marriage with supportive extended family, a strong family unit including DC (plus a lovely home and a great lifestyle in our case), in order to gain the excitement of being with a younger woman who he has fallen for head over heels, does the new relationship generally last? My reasons for asking: I recently stumbled across the concept of limerence when reading an old thread on MN and it occurred to me that my H may not have found his new life partner in mid life after all, but may have fallen for something more transient. I’m not writing this in a state of false hope that he will return. I’m genuinely just curious about others’ experiences. If you know other ‘solid , reliable, family men’ who left their longstanding marriages in similar circumstances, did the relationship with the OW last? Did the man grow to regret and fully recognise the sacrifices he had made when he left? TIA

Mumrunningsupporter · 22/04/2023 11:02

As others have pointed out, there are so many different situations and variables that it would be foolish to generalise. But I'm going to anyway (sort of) in that often, if not generally, I think when men abandon their wives of two or more decades for another woman, it's akin to getting the red convertible.
The red convertible is wonderfully good fun for the first part of the summer. You feel the breeze through your hair (if you still have some), you feel cool and young again, and drive a little faster than you normally do, playing music while heads turn to look at you.
Then summer gets a bit hotter, and you find it a bit irritating - there's no aircon that you're used to, those home comforts of the old non-convertible are missing in the convertible. You get a sunburnt head and wrinkles from having to squint all the time.
You realise that the convertible isn't as much fun as you thought it was going to be and it's actually a bit of a pain in the arse sometimes. You actually start wanting your old car back because you now start to understand what makes you really happy.

CornishGem1975 · 22/04/2023 12:30

That's a beautiful tale @Mumrunningsupporter but it's rarely the actual truth. There's this narrative that has been created around men leaving their wives always regretting it, or looking back wistfully. I'm sure it happens, but it's rare. Of the men I know how have left their wives - they've never looked back. Same for the women who have left their husbands.

I don't know if people find it helpful or soothing in some way to believe that's the case but quite honestly I don't know why it's so hard to fathom that relationships end and the majority of people do not spend the rest of their lives pining for their ex. Whatever the circumstances.

user73091636 · 22/04/2023 14:31

My husband left his wife for me. No children.

We have been together for nearly twenty years now and we are still happy. We don’t row at all. My MIL told me that my husband seemed much happier now than before.

Mercyovermerit · 22/04/2023 16:26

Crampo · 21/04/2023 08:05

Who cares? Fuck him.

This !!!!

EveryWitchWaybutLoose · 22/04/2023 20:51

Crampo · 21/04/2023 08:05

Who cares? Fuck him.

This needs repeating @PepperSalt Try to cultivate a don’t care attitude (even if you don’t feel it). He cheated and is thus unworthy of your brain space.

KillerSandy · 22/04/2023 21:03

CornishGem1975 · 22/04/2023 12:30

That's a beautiful tale @Mumrunningsupporter but it's rarely the actual truth. There's this narrative that has been created around men leaving their wives always regretting it, or looking back wistfully. I'm sure it happens, but it's rare. Of the men I know how have left their wives - they've never looked back. Same for the women who have left their husbands.

I don't know if people find it helpful or soothing in some way to believe that's the case but quite honestly I don't know why it's so hard to fathom that relationships end and the majority of people do not spend the rest of their lives pining for their ex. Whatever the circumstances.

I agree but it can cause so much upset and pain for many depending on how it all transpires.

CornishGem1975 · 23/04/2023 08:04

Oh I don't disagree on that point at all @KillerSandy.

QueefQueen80s · 23/04/2023 10:33

Why are they always younger? More likely to be happy to be an OW?

Sloop89 · 23/04/2023 15:48

@QueefQueen80s I don't think there is much mystery to that particular question! Men in general prefer younger women, OW or otherwise.

millymog11 · 23/04/2023 15:55

user73091636 · Yesterday 14:31 - and yet, even after nearly twenty years together and even though you report that you are happy, you still felt you needed to go to the effort of typing your post of 14:31.

I'm not doubting what you are saying for you is true, but I would proffer that it is some real unshakeable guilt deep down in you of creating destruction and betrayal of a magnitude that no one could come back from it - and you yourself having been active and instrumental in that - which means you want to post about it on the internet to a whole bunch of strangers even now even all these years later.

Because if you are going to argue in the alternate that you made your 14:31 post to prove to everyone that relationships which originate as affairs/adultery/infidelity can and will be happy ever after, I don't think your own experience is enough to do that.....

QueefQueen80s · 23/04/2023 16:52

Sloop89 · 23/04/2023 15:48

@QueefQueen80s I don't think there is much mystery to that particular question! Men in general prefer younger women, OW or otherwise.

Eh, it's a genuine question. And it's not all men? I mean why do certain men go for younger, is it their naivety? Older women maybe have better morals etc

user73091636 · 23/04/2023 18:16

@millymog11 I agree. The notion that all affairs end unhappily for all parties is a myth but, at the end of the day, people will believe what they want to believe.

And some see subtext in posts (of 14:31) where there is none…

Oopsiedaisyy · 23/04/2023 18:25

So, my DPs ex wife apparently got angry at him recently. Background is their marriage ended because she no longer wanted a sexual relationship and he did, and other reasons which meant he left.

She apparently thought this meant he was simply going to have a series of flings and fwbs or similar. What she's angry about is he's in a proper serious relationship with me now (im not the OW in this scenario although she tries to make me feel like it). He did cheat, but left the OW when his marriage ended.

I suppose i get it, she thought they had a happy marriage except for the sex, so even when they split she assumed that's all he'd need to go and find but he'd still be there for the kids and her in every other way. But her narrative, while a version of reality which helped her cope, wasn't correct.

pfftt · 23/04/2023 19:52

millymog11 · 23/04/2023 15:55

user73091636 · Yesterday 14:31 - and yet, even after nearly twenty years together and even though you report that you are happy, you still felt you needed to go to the effort of typing your post of 14:31.

I'm not doubting what you are saying for you is true, but I would proffer that it is some real unshakeable guilt deep down in you of creating destruction and betrayal of a magnitude that no one could come back from it - and you yourself having been active and instrumental in that - which means you want to post about it on the internet to a whole bunch of strangers even now even all these years later.

Because if you are going to argue in the alternate that you made your 14:31 post to prove to everyone that relationships which originate as affairs/adultery/infidelity can and will be happy ever after, I don't think your own experience is enough to do that.....

Huh? The poster gave a reply to this thread. They didn't go forcing this narrative by starting a thread gleefully proclaiming how happy they are. Your comment is just plain weird. Sorry if you've been hurt before but that's nothing to do with the poster you seem determined to believe us somehow deluded. Fact is many people are much happier in new relationships. Some aren't. Everyone has a different story. We can only speak of our own

AnotherDayOfSun · 24/04/2023 03:51

Yes, many people are indeed happier in new relationships when they divorced first, and then met someone. But when there was an affair, there is a type of stigma on the new relationship that never quite goes away 100%. Of course, you can try to make the best of it, and try to do the right thing going forward. We are human, we all make mistakes. But many people take offence when (former) OW try to romanticise it. There is nothing romantic about deceiving, betraying, sneaking around, or hurting the spouse and children.

DeflatedAgain · 24/04/2023 09:27

Wasn't married but my long term exP cheated on me. It was the best thing that ever happened to me in hindsight. The relationship with OW didn't last (and she stole his money).

It was hard but I managed to move on. Now I'm married to a wonderful man with a beautiful baby boy.

KillerSandy · 24/04/2023 17:32

AnotherDayOfSun · 24/04/2023 03:51

Yes, many people are indeed happier in new relationships when they divorced first, and then met someone. But when there was an affair, there is a type of stigma on the new relationship that never quite goes away 100%. Of course, you can try to make the best of it, and try to do the right thing going forward. We are human, we all make mistakes. But many people take offence when (former) OW try to romanticise it. There is nothing romantic about deceiving, betraying, sneaking around, or hurting the spouse and children.

as do many cheating men who seem to think that people forget - that people knew the OW before and seem to think it is OK to try to continue a relationship with his cheated on wife's best friend and her husband. Knob!

millymog11 · 26/04/2023 09:09

"KillerSandy · 24/04/2023 17:32"
i think the extent to which all parties directly responsible for / involved in the cheating can re write the narrative to explain the hurt they caused is often fairly incredible when viewed objectively.