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Original poster

Mum can't afford to live

335 replies

Theamofm · 20/04/2023 20:56

My mum and dad split 3 years ago. Before mum had a great lifestyle and had no money worries. Dad covered it. Mum worked but was only pocket money really. Mum now lives alone and works long hours and a lot of travelling. She's early 60s and it's tiring her out. She's that tired at weekends she's not going out to meet anyone, and not only that she can't really afford it. She earns enough to survive basically. Tried universal credit and she can't get it. What help is out there? We could assist a bit if it was desperate but we dont have an endless pot that could go on forever. How do other people cope? What happens when she has to stop working? It really worries me. Thanks,

OP posts:
VincentVaguer · 21/04/2023 12:26

Imo she caused this on herself. She worked for pocket money and mainly was a SAHM. Now, expects government to fund her life in her old age

She got divorced. If she was still married with an employed dh she'd be much better off, obviously. My MIL has the equivalent of 40k a year now her dh is deceased.

Butteralwaysmeltsaway · 21/04/2023 12:44

Very unsympathetic and quite frankly vile comments regarding SAHM. I hope I never read another post on MN complaining how tough juggling a FT career and child rearing is particularly from those vile commenters.

It was more the norm to be a SAHM once children were born in the 80/90's. Our medium sized town only had one pre schl nursery and mother's were frowned upon for sending their kids ( particularly 0- 3 years, 5 days a week. It was deemed to be in the best interest of babies to be cared for by their mothers.

And what were mothers expected to do in those days, particularly living in a nuclear family, extended family no where to be seen for support and married to a man who worked long hours/ travelled for business or even worked or was posted abroad?

We had none of the work benefits younger generations have now and 99% of childcare fell to women. I remember going back to work post a surgical procedure 6 weeks earlier than recommended as the boss frowned upon the fact I'd already had a week of unpaid leave that year to nurse my poorly child. Father abroad for business. The pressure to work/be main child carer cost me dearly. Shoulder never recovered and am deemed too old to warrant surgery now.

AncientToaster · 21/04/2023 12:46

@CallieQ spousal maintenance is incredibly rare especially these days and the DH had zero pension.

I know some replies have been a bit harsh but I always hope women will read threads like this and it may make them rethink some of their choices. My mate screwed her own pension as was a SAHM for 14 years. He walked out the door in to the arms of a younger woman after a 30 year relationship.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 21/04/2023 12:52

I agree with that, AncientToaster, there's definitely a need for women (especially) to understand pensions and make sure their affairs are in order. Definitely there's a need and that's not unkind or nasty.

What is nasty and gratuitously so is the gleeful thigh-rubbing from some posters enjoying themselves hugely but berating the OP and telling her that her mother 'brought it on themselves'.

Sometimes I wish I believed in karma with some well-deserved slaps being dished out.

spiderplantparty · 21/04/2023 12:55

I think the pandemic and the growth of flexible working/working from home has made life a lot easier for working parents. I can remember mums at the school gate telling me they were giving up work because it wasn't sustainable to have two people working full time in long hours professional jobs. It was just about manageable when the kids were pre school age because you could use nurseries but once they were school age the slightly shorter days and long holidays meant it was too hard. Working from home would make that a lot easier and hopefully avoid the situation the OP's mum finds herself in.

BashirWithTheGoodBeard · 21/04/2023 13:00

HappiestPenguin · 21/04/2023 11:16

I think I would sit down and check her tax code is correct. Check her pay is correct. Check her bank statements for forgotten subscriptions etc. Then help her budget.
£10.42 x 40 x 52 = £21673 a year.

Yes it’s tight but £300 rent is pretty cheap.
Does she have debts that she can focus on clearing?

Agree with this. It sounds like something might be going wrong somewhere, or failing that there's some silly spending that needs addressing. And if it is debt, she needs advice on that.

fleir · 21/04/2023 13:06

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 21/04/2023 12:52

I agree with that, AncientToaster, there's definitely a need for women (especially) to understand pensions and make sure their affairs are in order. Definitely there's a need and that's not unkind or nasty.

What is nasty and gratuitously so is the gleeful thigh-rubbing from some posters enjoying themselves hugely but berating the OP and telling her that her mother 'brought it on themselves'.

Sometimes I wish I believed in karma with some well-deserved slaps being dished out.

It's horrible. There are financial implications when you are a SAHM and it is good to think about the future with pensions etc. I was a SAHM, I'm not now and I'm very aware of this and have taken steps to catch up with my career and pensions. The rudeness about it isn't necessary. You can make a point without being rude.

I'd always advocate having the future in mind when you make choices, you don't have to deliver the advice in such a harsh way.

DriftingDora · 21/04/2023 13:31

MrsMikeDrop · Today 07:51

berksandbeyond · Yesterday 23:09

“How do other people cope?“

by not being financially irresponsible all of their working lives? No pensions, no savings but she worked for ‘pocket money’ only. Incredibly daft. Why should she receive benefits to support her now when she made that choice?

I agree. It frustrates me that my parents who worked so hard get basically nothing, yet people who didn't are entitled to so much because they were stupid. If you have assets the government will take that to pay for your old age (fine), but if you don't you get it for free. Go figure

Another agreement here. If everyone decided to treat their income as 'pocket money', who would have actually paid into the system or made provision for later life? There's been enough publicity about this over the past 20-25 years, did she think it applied to other people, not her? You can only take out what's been put in, it's not fairy money minted in the fairy grotto. Common sense tells me here that there's something we're not being told in the case of OP's mother, and I suspect that it's down to poor money management. The story doesn't seem to add up unless she's subsidising the whole street for meals each week.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 21/04/2023 13:41

Butteralwaysmeltsaway · 21/04/2023 12:44

Very unsympathetic and quite frankly vile comments regarding SAHM. I hope I never read another post on MN complaining how tough juggling a FT career and child rearing is particularly from those vile commenters.

It was more the norm to be a SAHM once children were born in the 80/90's. Our medium sized town only had one pre schl nursery and mother's were frowned upon for sending their kids ( particularly 0- 3 years, 5 days a week. It was deemed to be in the best interest of babies to be cared for by their mothers.

And what were mothers expected to do in those days, particularly living in a nuclear family, extended family no where to be seen for support and married to a man who worked long hours/ travelled for business or even worked or was posted abroad?

We had none of the work benefits younger generations have now and 99% of childcare fell to women. I remember going back to work post a surgical procedure 6 weeks earlier than recommended as the boss frowned upon the fact I'd already had a week of unpaid leave that year to nurse my poorly child. Father abroad for business. The pressure to work/be main child carer cost me dearly. Shoulder never recovered and am deemed too old to warrant surgery now.

It wasn’t normal for anyone l knew. My first was born in 93. I worked full time, he went to nursery.

All my friends worked who had children at that time.

Thelnebriati · 21/04/2023 13:51

Did your childcare cost 120% of your wages? Because thats the situation some women now find themselves in.

TwoFluffyDogsOnMyBed · 21/04/2023 13:51

I find it really irritating that lots of people are saying that she shouldn’t be slowing down at her age. Until very recently women retired at 60. And there was a very good reason for that. My mum always had loads of energy and never understood my lack of energy….never had any empathy because if she could do it then everyone else must be the same.

No-one did anything when the government increased the retirement age, perhaps because for most people it seemed so far into the future.

Teachingteacher · 21/04/2023 13:53

I don’t think the comments are ‘vile’. I think this post is hitting at the heart of people’s sense of injustice. Also, I don’t think anyone is suggesting that every mother has to work full time while the DC are little. But OP’s mum is in her 60s and has only just started working, which means that there were many many school-aged years when she could have done something, anything to contribute to the household finances.

I have a friend whose parents are in the same situation as OP’s mum. My friend is 36, has just had her first baby, and is now worried about providing for her child AND her increasingly elderly parents. I can’t imagine the stress and weight on her shoulders. Watching that situation unfold has given me stronger resolve to keep working, even if it’s part time, so that my DC are never in that position. Thankfully, both my parents worked their asses off and I will never have to worry about them or their financial situation. I am very very thankful for that.

Babooshka1992 · 21/04/2023 14:06

If she has a two bedroom, you can have a lodger in a shared ownership property.

JarOfRocks · 21/04/2023 14:09

Lots of people will have "worked their arses off" and still be left with nothing. So much judgement. My mum lost most of her pension when her provider went bust and before the government had anything in place to protect people. Google Equitable Life scandal and others like it. No one should be sitting there smug, you never know what it's around the corner.

Seymour5 · 21/04/2023 14:13

JocelynBurnell · 21/04/2023 10:58

Sadly, many women will find themselves in a similar situation to the OP's mum in the coming decade.

Really? In all the two parent families I know, both parents work, mostly full time. Help with nursery fees has been a boon to many working parents. Breakfast and after school clubs, have also been a big help. As a young mum in the 70s those options weren’t available, neither was paid maternity leave.

Humanbiology · 21/04/2023 14:16

Can you help her back into training where she can work for herself? I have some ideas you can talk to her about that will give her more freedom and time for herself.

OldFan · 21/04/2023 14:19

@Theamofm If she's on minimum wage, she has nothing to lose. She could maybe see if there's anything going at Tesco if there's one near by, to save her as much of a commute.

They took my dad on in later life and were good to me when I was ill too.

Babooshka1992 · 21/04/2023 14:20

@Allthings thats not true though is it, my 85yo Grandma took 1 year off with my Dad then he was at a childminder.

OldFan · 21/04/2023 14:33

my 85yo Grandma took 1 year off with my Dad then he was at a childminder.

@Babooshka1992 Did she have a really lucrative job or something? I don't think most people would've done that then. Not sure when my mum (76 now) went back- maybe she did go back PT fairly early (eventually ended up full time when my dad quit his job.)

Even up until the nineties/2000s or whatever a lot of families were having one of them not work and provide childcare. That's why child tax credits came in, to make it worth their while working.

crosstalk · 21/04/2023 14:54

What's done is done. OP's ma didn't save or contribute. Her ex husband has kept his earnings off the books - I wonder if OP can appeal to him?

But agree that OP should sit her ma down and go through finances, debts, earnings. And that her current place is better than throwing money she can't afford at a mortgage (which she wouldn't get) on a retirement flat with all their overheads and no resale value. As PP have said, check if she can pay towards a better state pension before the July window closes.

And also make sure she has a medical check up. Though if she has not worked regularly even when her kids flew the nest it can be hugely tiring especially with post divorce depression and loneliness. Not all of us have reserves of energy and positive attitudes.

And schoolchildren should be taught basic finances.

Kennykenkencat · 21/04/2023 14:58

isthewashingdryyet · 20/04/2023 22:05

And just check she has all her NI contributions and will actually get a full state pension. If not, she needs to get the last few years paid up as soon as possible.

this is real lesson in never be dependent on a man, and always be financially independent and keep your NI up to date

Given the live for today attitude I don’t think being independent of a man would have meant just more to spend.

Kennykenkencat · 21/04/2023 15:00

OldFan · 21/04/2023 14:19

@Theamofm If she's on minimum wage, she has nothing to lose. She could maybe see if there's anything going at Tesco if there's one near by, to save her as much of a commute.

They took my dad on in later life and were good to me when I was ill too.

Don’t Tesco only employ those people who know people who already work there?

There multiple choice questionnaire suggests you have to have inside knowledge

Muffit · 21/04/2023 15:03

ThreeLocusts · 21/04/2023 11:02

Wow people are nasty on this thread.

Women end up being SAHMs for all sorts of reasons - cost of childcare being a major one - and it is perfectly reasonable for them to expect their children's father to 'fund their lifestyle' while they do.

I'm in a 'dual career couple' and I often notice that the traditional family model is simply more efficient. My DH and I sometimes duplicate domestic work and at other times we both forget about child-related stuff. If one parent is in charge of everything to do with kids, you get less of that.

It's a real flaw in the pension system that the hard work of childrearing doesn't count towards pensions entitlements. And for many people there's never much of a surplus to put into a pension. Have some compassion, people.

I really agree with this poster.Also the people being unkind about the SAHMs should realise the children the SAHMs have pay into the pension pot, at some point.

Kennykenkencat · 21/04/2023 15:07

JarOfRocks · 21/04/2023 14:09

Lots of people will have "worked their arses off" and still be left with nothing. So much judgement. My mum lost most of her pension when her provider went bust and before the government had anything in place to protect people. Google Equitable Life scandal and others like it. No one should be sitting there smug, you never know what it's around the corner.

I wasn’t with equitable life. It was the company I worked for who took the pension fund to pay off debts.

Just have to remember the accounts managers name who insisted that my enforced payments into the pension scheme was a good thing and I would get the money back when I was older to the point of making a £100,000 bet with me as I didn’t believe him.

Guess who was right.