MIL, DH and DS - am I being stitched up.

[huggymummy]

DH and I not getting on - getting to critical point.

I still agreed to fly out to his country for 5 days at Easter to see FIL who apparently is dying. I say apparently because he's being 'dying' for the last 5 years and dh hasn't spoken to him for years.

The deal was also to bring back mil. How4ever we had a massive argument when I tried to book the tickets wed as the prices had gone up and I made the HUGE mistake of asking when mil would return to her country so I could book the return portion of the ticket (she's a nightmare). He went nuts - nasty - admitted the relationship was over - called me insane etc.

TODAY - very nicely he's pleading that the reason for wednesday's outrage was that he felt sorry for FIL and 5 days not enough and aked that we fly over. I fly back ALONE after 5 days leaving 21 month old ds with them for one more week to make fil happy. And then ds, dh and mil fly back a week later.

What do I do. Perhaps fil really is seriously ill this time. I feel trapped. I want to call his relatives to find out (as dh still hasn't called his father). Mil is behind this (she and fil estranged so why would she care). Will they really fly back. Is it appropriate to leave a 21 month baby abroad without ME. I don;'t think so! My parents are going nuts about this.
IS THIS NORMAL!

I just can't beleive that at this moment he is still prioritising mil over everything.

WHAT DO I DO..

Huggy, are you listening to us all? Please don't go. What one poster said on page 5 is so true that no matter how nice families are they soon stick together and turn nasty when they have to. I am begging you now not to go. I don't want to have to read a post from you after you have been saying your little boy has been taken.

Did anyone ever see that programme about Alison Lalic who married a Bosnian man. He snatched their daughters and for years Alison didn't see them. She went on a trip to Bosnia to trace down the girls and was spying outside the school. It was heartbreaking. It was so obvious the family of the girls dad knew where they were but didn't say anything to Alison. They appeared to be a lovely family but not so lovely when they're denying children the right to see their mother, eh? One day Alison traced the girls down and joined in a snowball fight which the girls were playing with friends outside their tower block in either Bosnia or Iraq/Iran and the girls didn't seem to recognise her and was really wary of her. Alison took a favourite toy of the oldest but still she was very wary and almost angry at Alison. Who knows what the dad said all those years to turn the children that way. Eventually Alison got back into the girls lives but the girls looked really angry with Alison on the photos of them all together and still with the law in the country they're in now the girls have to remain where they are so Alison only sees them a few times per year. It was so sad

Huggymummy, read your own title to this thread again 'am I being stitched up?' you know that this is what he is planning. Your ds is so small, the sad truth is that he will forget you very quickly, please, please don't take the chance. Is your family aware of the potential for this, enlist their help I'm sure your ds's grandparents would be keen to keep him safe, maybe their perspective would be a breath of fresh air to you.

Last eve I wrote three messages and they all sounded too bossy so I deleted them. Now I feel bossy! You are going to get divorced anyway, so why do anything to humor him? I think you should see a lawyer, put passports and DS's birth certificate in a safe deposit box owned by your parents, and go along with trip plans and then instead of going, just slip away to your parents or somewhere else that is safe.

Why was he sneering and sullen? Is it because he thinks you foiled his kidnapping plot and thus he is angered? Why would you continue any association with a man who wants to kidnap your child?

Really good day - I'm pretty sure it's going to be fine ie the trip.

I'm sure this is about mil being scared of me and playing power games. I know what they are like. They are also very disorganised, mil is a very scared person and will not take ds out alone (she's too scared of the repsonsibility). My entire family are coming down on dh like a ton of hot bricks. DS and I are very safe there - if not very bored.

I'm made plans legally too. Just in case. It won't come to that I'm sure but I'd rather be a bit red faced than face a real crisis and have to deal with everything in retrospect.

They are so, so stupid. Why can't they be normal and enjoy ds - he's a reall fun bundle - rather than try all this manipulation. All it does is drain me and has helped ruin what was a very good relationship initially.

Been busy writing a diary of events too so that if I go down the divorce route it's all ready. We'll see what mil is like here. She hates it here as she doesn't speak the lingo and even panics when the doorbell rings.

My dh is a mummy's boy and sadly his mummy is very very ignorant (but not evil) person. She didn't used to be like this.

This also could be mils attempt to get back with estranged dh. Using all of us to get back to him. She could just ask me to help instead.

Huggymummy, Idon't think that your MIL will be coming back to the UK after they've STOLEN your son- it's a trick to make you think they're going along with you. PLEASE DON'T GO.

I think you are analyzing this to the nth degree, instead of going with your instincts which are "I don't trust them".

Apparently your parents don't trust him either. They have the best interests of you and your DS at heart. What are they saying about the trip? Governments can't get some children back, how could you or you and your parents?

What about when you take a shower? What if they drugged your drink?

You know your marriage is over. You know your mil is manipulative and untrustworthy.

Why are you putting your precious child within the grasp of people who may not give him back?

So you don't go - what's the worst that can happen - your dh's family consider you unspeakable - big deal! But if you go and you are wrong in trusting them - they will think you are a fool and they will walk off with your child and you will have to fight tooth and nail to get him back - and even if and when you do - things will never be the same.

I just don't see why you would put yourself in so vulnerable a position. Imo - you've got everything to lose and bugger all to gain!

Your initial instinct was that your dh and his mother might be trying to stitch you up. You come on here to get people's opinions, all of which scream "don't go"!!! And you seem to be blithely going along with what dh and mil want simply assuming that, because the rest of his family seem very nice, absolutely nothing is going to happen whilst you are away.

Your marriage is clearly over, you have nothing to gain by going to Italy and the most precious thing in the world to lose. Why on earth would you take that risk??? It just beggars belief.

Huggymummy,everyone is saying don't go- not one person has said maybe it will be ok. Agree with others that the 'nice' part of the family will turn against you once they've got your son.

Give up girls the lady has her mind made up & all we can do is sit back & help with the fallout if/when it all goes wrong.

I hope to god WE are all wrong & that you have a lovely holiday with your soon to be divorced husband playing happy families, & come back to a new life here.

Keep us posted.

OP-Last ditch attempt. These are excerpts from your previous posts (below). So in 'your' words nobody elses; Please re-read your own thoughts/ suspicions on this.

I do think you are correct though bossybritches, so will bow out now I think.

Good luck, I really hope you all come back together and things work out.

Tue 29-Jan-08 11:36:19

My dh is a good man to our ds but the only reason I'm still with him is I'm scared it will tip him overboard and he'll snatch ds and go back to his country.

on Mon 04-Feb-08 21:50:17

My very abusive mil is coming over on an open ticket and it will be nasty.

If I were to record what goes on in the house (on a cassette) - would this help me in a divorce case - ie threatening to take child away and other such niceies?

on Mon 04-Feb-08 21:27:15

When ds born dh couldb't wait to get mil over she became a horrbile monster (I posted lots of that a the time) - my milk dried up, ds stopped sleeping completely at 4 weeks. DH gave her the platform. And I was bullied for almost 4 weeks.

I've agreed to go out and see his dying dad (dying for the last 7 years and ds doesn't even talk to him) and bring mil back (won't fly alone) on a open ticket. Last time DH kept threatening that if I didn't like things I should 'feck off' but ds stays with them (who's them).

I'm so scared as dh is an overseas national (ds british) (when I started afore mentioned shit job he thanked me by announcing he was taking ds to his country for 10 days - I fought tooth and nail to stop him) and all the risks that entails.

We are going there at Easter. DH and hardly speak but then out of the blue he gets me a watch. Following week it's about feeling sorry for his dying dad (so sorry they never speak) and taking ds out there and bringing mil back to help care for dh when his has a very small local anastheic op on his mouth!!!!

Could repatriate child but also there is a chance dh could get ds a passport from that country over my head then repatriation from their point of view is uncessary.

yes- or that her perception is that by not going at all that would present a 'higher risk' of him snatching son?

All we can do is watch & wait & hope for the best.Anyone know her in RL?

Who do you love the most huggy? Your son or your IL's? If you love your son more please do what is best for him and don't go. It really isn't worth the potential situation you could be in.

Huggymummy, you sound as though you are being emotionally abused and are no longer able to see the danger that this situation is posing to your ds and yourself, please enlist the help of your family and please take note of the advice which you asked for. Really hoping that this turns out well for you.

Have been thinking the same as donut. Your DH is emotionally abusing you, HM, so that's why you're agreeing to his demands and not seeing the situation realistically. Listen to your family because they're the people who care about you, not his family. Hope you come back to this thread to say that you and DS have left DH and are with your own family.

Please don't go!

You sound as if you are convincing yourself that it's ok to go, because that's the way to PLEASE everyone involved. The only thing that will be important to you on your deathbed will be whether you did the best thing for your son and for you.

Message withdrawn

you would be totally playing into your ILs and DHs hands if you so much as visit the other country for 1 day!! you must be blinded by the compromise that you are thinking more about pleasing everyone else and releiving your guilt than keeping your DS safe!! (sorry if it sounds harsh) my BF has been through the same situation with her DD and ex-DP. he is persian and therefore has the right in his society to have full custody of their DD and she would have none!! she found this out almost on the few days before she made the biggest mistake of her life!! she has since found out via his cousin (who has been disowned for various reasons) that he was planning to abduct her DD maybe the MILs ignorance is a ploy to make you relax in the 'knowledge' that she is an idiot who couldnt cook up such a cunning plan. you said yourself that she hasnt always been this way!! i would never in a million years leave my DD with a person who i didnt trust for an hour let alone stay with them under threat of your DS being taken from you-whether directly or indirectly. if your DH doesnt speak to his dad and neither does your MIL then they have no real reason for wantling to spend time with him. if you are worrying that your FIL may die without seeing his grandson again think about how YOU will feel if you had no chance of EVER seeing YOU son again. i would rather risk a bit of guilt than take that risk TBH. be very careful or you will be searching for your DS rather than holding him.
xx ei xx

For the last few posters there is ittle point in telling her to stay in the UK when huggymummy last post was on Friday 15th she would of left to travel to Italy shortly after.

She is due back with her son today and I hope things went as well as could be expected.

My mistake the 19th Feb...due back today maybe ?

I thought she was going at Easter.

On the 18th (2 pages back) she says that they go Easter. I'm confused too.