MIL, DH and DS - am I being stitched up.

[huggymummy]

DH and I not getting on - getting to critical point.

I still agreed to fly out to his country for 5 days at Easter to see FIL who apparently is dying. I say apparently because he's being 'dying' for the last 5 years and dh hasn't spoken to him for years.

The deal was also to bring back mil. How4ever we had a massive argument when I tried to book the tickets wed as the prices had gone up and I made the HUGE mistake of asking when mil would return to her country so I could book the return portion of the ticket (she's a nightmare). He went nuts - nasty - admitted the relationship was over - called me insane etc.

TODAY - very nicely he's pleading that the reason for wednesday's outrage was that he felt sorry for FIL and 5 days not enough and aked that we fly over. I fly back ALONE after 5 days leaving 21 month old ds with them for one more week to make fil happy. And then ds, dh and mil fly back a week later.

What do I do. Perhaps fil really is seriously ill this time. I feel trapped. I want to call his relatives to find out (as dh still hasn't called his father). Mil is behind this (she and fil estranged so why would she care). Will they really fly back. Is it appropriate to leave a 21 month baby abroad without ME. I don;'t think so! My parents are going nuts about this.
IS THIS NORMAL!

I just can't beleive that at this moment he is still prioritising mil over everything.

WHAT DO I DO..

You said that if you refuse his terms on this trip then it may mean divorce. Well do you want to stay married to a man that wants to just ride roughshod over your and your DS needs? I know that sounds over simplistic but some things are just deal breakers in relationships and if it were me and DH were trying to force me to leave my child in a foreign country with my in laws in the circumstances you are describing, well the passports would be shredded immediately so that I didnt weaken and I would be consulting a solicitor re divorce myself before he could. It baffles me that with the difficulties you are having in your relationship that he would even ask for this unless he is up to something.

When I first read your post I thought thet you were saying that you had already left DS with your DHs family abroad. Relieved when I re-read it to realise that it's not happened yet! Sounds v v v dodgy. Not read all replies but gather that everyone else has said the same. Don't go. Hide the passport. Seek legal advice. Would be extremely suspicious and wouldn't even want to go and come back with DC if I were you. Have heard lots of stories in he news about mums who have had children taken away and then can't get them back.

Have to say I hadn't considered the aspect of him being snatched whilst you are with him. But having read the other posts I am in agreement.

Your son's safety is paramount and should come above all else.

Also it does seem as though your self confidence may have been rubbed out a little by this man as you seem to want to still meet him halfway regardless of risks involved.

Not your fault of course but something for you to ponder.

Another vote for "Don't go. Don't let DS go".

Your marriage seems to be over. File for divorce, get court order to stop your soon to be ex-H taking DS out of the country.

Don't go.

See a solicitor while he is there.

huggymummy I think you need to weigh up your FIL's needs against your DS's needs and decide which ones come out heavier and more important to you. Why are you so concerned about your FIL? Are you afraid that you will be seen as wicked by his family if you don't fall in with their plans? Why does it matter to you what they think? Does it really matter so much that they think you're the good guy, that you're willing to risk an attempted abduction of your DS? Or is there some other pressing reason why you feel the dying (or not - probably not) patriarch of a family who are hostile to you and have accused you of being insane, absolutely must have some time together with your son?

huggymummy, I have just read this thread for the first time. Please, please do not go and do not allow your DS to go without you. Without exception, I think, every poster has said the same. It really just isn't worth the risk.

If I remember correctly (I lived there for a couple of years in the 90s), there were many cases of kidnap in Italy -- not just for ransomes, but also where there were family disputes.

Please, I do not believe this is a situation where you can offer a compromise with your husband. Shred your son's passport and get a solicitor.

Please huggymummy, you posted about this a couple of weeks ago, please go with your instincts.

Last time you said you were going to go to try to save your marriage, now you know its not going to save it.

Like a few people have said I'm really worried that you may not come back with your son if you go over there. If they think you are insane, then maybe thats a road they are going to try to go down to get your son.

Have you booked the tickets yet ? Why if you don't want to go are you the one organising it ?

You have hidden your DS passport. Thats a great step. Can you give it to your parents or some friends ?

I'm sorry this sounds melodramatic maybe its completely OTT, but you sound like a nice person, we all want you and your DS to be all right.

Thinking more about this, you shouldn't go at all. You will be in a forgein environment and they (dh and MIL) will have "home court advantage" potentially leaving you very vunerable. Do you even speak the language or know anyone outside of the family rnks over there? If MIL is no longer with FIL why is she going? If dh is still not speaking to FIL how has he arranged this trip? It stinks IMO.

ok just read this and now Im even more concerned;

huggymummy on Mon 04-Feb-08 21:50:17
I'm in a bit of mess.

Marriage is on it's last legs. My very abusive mil is coming over on an open ticket and it will be nasty.

If I were to record what goes on in the house (on a cassette) - would this help me in a divorce case - ie threatening to take child away and other such niceties?

Think we should keep bumping til OP comes back on Monday as she said she would!

Smithfield that is what I read and a couple of other similar comments by OP, leading to thinking either she is in denial over the reality of how dangerous the situation is or (and I apologise profusely if this isn't the case) this isn't 100% genuine.

It is very important about them being on "home turf" so to speak. Do you know how Social Services and the courts work in Italy? Do you know if your in-laws would denounce you as insane to the authorities and whether the authorities would have to act on their accusations?

You really are walking into the lion's den if you go.

It might all be perfectly innocent and this may be wild imaginings on all our parts, but tbh you were anxious enough to post on this topic on mumsnet. You worried about being "set up" that was your expression and if there's any chance whatsoever that you're being set up, you shouldn't take the risk. You have no obligation to your FIL and no need to risk anything. You seem to be burdened by an unnecessary sense of responsibility towards people who have so little sense of responsibility towards you, that they call you insane and have actually threatened to kidnap your baby. I don't see how much clearer the runes can be, tbh.

Just wanted to second what the majority of pasters have been saying. Please please do not go. Its just not worth the risk. If DH cares an iota for you he would understand and not threaten divorce. If you explain you do not feel you should go (but that he can bring MIL back) and he still threatens divorce then you are better off without him. Please please don't risk it. Your DS is too important to go against gut feeling.

Agree with everyone else - do NOT go to Italy, do NOT allow your DS to go to Italy.
Even if you are there with him, can you watch him 24 hours a day?

This smells really bad. Please give his passport and birth certificate to a relative or close friend. Shredding the passport is a great idea, but don't forget to have the birth certificate in a safe place so that your DH can't get another passport.

Nothing to add to all the rest OP but it's got MY sceptic radar up I have to say!

Don't take this lightly, he could be plotting. If he isn't,fine better embarrrased than lose your DS.

Only just joined this thread, but DON'T GO!!!! SHREAD PASSPORTS!!! KEEP DS ON BABY RIENS AND OR ATTACHED TO YOU WITH SUPERGLUE AT ALL TIMES!!!

I would not, could not leave my children at any age in that situation. Follow your instincts, seek legal advice, and be strong. If he threatens divorce say fine here's my solicetors details and stay with your rellies. The heartache that could otherwise happen would be crippling.

its v bad i think you should lose your passports and that you should me out that your son should be too ill to travel or maybe one of your parents get sick ........dont go i feel so strongly about this- ive nursed a terminally ill relative and generally people dying arent really into playing with small children its not like tv where everything is nice and peaceful and happy its bloody heart breaking and no place for a child.

Post the passport to a trusted friend,and the birth certificate too so your husband cannot fast-track through a replacement certificate.

And book the tickets yourself, so he thinks you are going along with his plan. And I think you really do need to be this devious.

Remember, he can get a replacement passport within a week, so don't let him know it's missing til the very last minute.

Then, why not tell him why you have done this - because you are not going to leave your ds (and oh God, they are special in Italian culture, aren't they?) alone with a woman who has threatened to abduct him, on your solicitor's advice.

I think you need to be strong here, because it sounds like you are letting people ride roughshod over you. And you risk losing your child as a result of your weakness. Screw compromise - it does not sound like your husband or his mummy deserve it.

He is using the fil's 'illness' to manipulate you, blatantly. I think you have it clear in your head now what is reasonable and what is not, which is the most important step, well done

However you're still vulnerable to deception, and even perhaps trickery on a grand scale once they have your son in their sights...please don't give them the opportunity. I am trying to say that they are playing dirty and though you may think they couldn't reasonably do anything to keep your child and send you home without him, they may very well not act reasonably, and you will then have lost him. They my catch you off guard...you might leave the house for some shopping and come back to find they have left and disappeared, or changed the locks.

It is not worth the risk. There is a plan in place which you are not party to, there has been for some time evidently.

I would be jumping at the prospect of a divorce, myself.

Best of luck with it all xx

...I think you need to pretend you're being utterly reasonable whilst knowing in your head that your barricades are on full, that they are screwing you over and will never get away with it because you are ready.

Keep the knowledge close to your chest. Be very strong, yet polite and pleasant. Keep your motive and mission in sight - to not leave ds with them for a second.

if your mariage is on the rocks - who have you got an allegience to?

dont go.

need he even ask why not?

i can catagorically say that if my marriae was on the rocks i wouldnt even drive up to oldham to give my PILs sight of my children.

your dh cant treat youlike a complete twat and then rely on you niceness to accompany hm to another country to see HIS parents.

get nasty girl - you dont owe any of them anything - its not like they will ever thank you

supposing yougo - fil sees baby for one last time karks it

you get divorced

is your cow of a MIL really going to say " well she as a good DIL, coming to italy like that"

NO she wont

This is definately worth a read here
Has some good info, plus some conatact details of useful contacts/organisations such as 'reunite' who will send you a child abduction prevention pack. Here is what they recommend;

Reunite runs an advice line and publishes information packs about preventing abduction and how to proceed if the worst has happened.

The charity has this advice for parents who suspect their former partner will attempt to abduct their child.

Seek immediate advice from a family lawyer. You may need to get a court order ? like a residence order under the Children Act 1989, which determines which parent will primarily look after a child and should also to stop your child being taken out of the country without your prior permission.
Write to the UK Passport Service and ask them not to grant your child a passport without your permission (this is only possible where you have got an order from the court in certain circumstances). But the Passport Office has no power to ask for a passport to be surrendered if it has already been issued.
Contact the police. If they are convinced there is a real threat they can issue a 'port alert' to alert possible points of departure in the UK. How effective a port alert will be depends a lot on how much information you can supply them with ? make sure that you have available a recent photo of your child and the other parent which can be circulated and if you have details of which port ? airport or sea port for example ? your child is likely to travel through, that will help the police focus their efforts.
Get a child abduction prevention pack from Reunite (see help and info).
(February 2002, resources updated June 2005)

oi custardo .....nowt wrong with oldham lass!!!! (spoken by dee from Oldham lolol)