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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

MIL, DH and DS - am I being stitched up.

171 replies

huggymummy · 15/02/2008 18:00

DH and I not getting on - getting to critical point.

I still agreed to fly out to his country for 5 days at Easter to see FIL who apparently is dying. I say apparently because he's being 'dying' for the last 5 years and dh hasn't spoken to him for years.

The deal was also to bring back mil. How4ever we had a massive argument when I tried to book the tickets wed as the prices had gone up and I made the HUGE mistake of asking when mil would return to her country so I could book the return portion of the ticket (she's a nightmare). He went nuts - nasty - admitted the relationship was over - called me insane etc.

TODAY - very nicely he's pleading that the reason for wednesday's outrage was that he felt sorry for FIL and 5 days not enough and aked that we fly over. I fly back ALONE after 5 days leaving 21 month old ds with them for one more week to make fil happy. And then ds, dh and mil fly back a week later.

What do I do. Perhaps fil really is seriously ill this time. I feel trapped. I want to call his relatives to find out (as dh still hasn't called his father). Mil is behind this (she and fil estranged so why would she care). Will they really fly back. Is it appropriate to leave a 21 month baby abroad without ME. I don;'t think so! My parents are going nuts about this.
IS THIS NORMAL!

I just can't beleive that at this moment he is still prioritising mil over everything.

WHAT DO I DO..

OP posts:
NAB3wishesfor2008 · 15/02/2008 19:22

Who was made to feel unwelcome by whom?

KaySamuels · 15/02/2008 19:23

Does it matter whether fil is ill or not??

If you have even a tiny inkling over dh's motives then don't even consider going!

mehdismummy · 15/02/2008 19:24

depends on how well you get on with fil. What would your dh do if he found out you phoned?

frostymorning · 15/02/2008 19:26

PLEASE DON'T GO. I think that your miland dh and are trying to get your ds out of the UK to make it very difficult for you to ever get him back. Hide ds's passport and birth certificate or else post them to a trusted friend who will keep them safe for you. Then just tell your dh that you can't go because you can't find them. In the meantime, why don't you see a solicitor to find out what steps you can take to protect your son. I hope I'm wrong about all this but what you have said sounds so suspicious that I felt I had to speak up.

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 15/02/2008 19:27

You have to put your child before anyone else and that includes your husband.

smithfield · 15/02/2008 19:28

Huggymummy- not sure what you are hoping to achieve by calling FIL? I think you are maybe feeling some pressure/guilt that if you withold ds from seeing him and he should pass away?
But I dont think the issue here is your fil, it is MIL and DH and as many have said on here aomething which smacks entirely of something other than granting a dying mans wishes.
Are you saying if you rang and found out he 'was' dying that would sway your decision?
Because I dont think it should.

Original poster
huggymummy · 15/02/2008 19:33

Got - I've just woken up - thanks guys.

I'm offering 6 days with his dad - dying or not - take it or leave it!!

This is normal -what he's suggesting is ABNORMAL given the circumstances.

OP posts:
Original poster
huggymummy · 15/02/2008 19:36

Mehdi - he'd go mad - as he doesn't phone his own dad!

It oculd be nasty - but I've got our passports - all prepared.

Just hoping he'll come to his senses.

OP posts:
mehdismummy · 15/02/2008 19:40

will he hurt you? I know you have to know. Do you get on with fil? Will he tell dh you phoned? Do you get on with mil?

UniversallyChallenged · 15/02/2008 19:41

so your h wants to be looking after his sick father AND a baby while you go home? is he usually such a "hands on" dad?

most people if their dad really was that ill would rather spend what could be his last visit concentrating on the ill person

MuthaHubbard · 15/02/2008 19:42

haven't read all replied but sounds like MIL is driving force behind most of this.

What's going to stop her from 'persuading' your dh not to bring your son back?

coastalmum · 15/02/2008 19:49

Please get some legal advice. Much easier to sort out now rather than later, even with Hague can take ages to get child back. Better to be safe than sorry.

When I split from DD's dad, first thing solicitor said when he found out husband had family abroad was to make sure I had her passport and he filed some paperwork with the court to prevent him taking her out of the country.

Original poster
huggymummy · 15/02/2008 19:50

I need to know how ill is FIL.

I will get one extra day of work. This means we can stay a week at FILs to give him 100% access to granchild. MIL will come back with us.

If DH feels this is unreasonable then that's that.

OP posts:
JHKE · 15/02/2008 19:51

I don't normally post much but I have to say that I agree with all the other posters here...If the MIL is the driving force behind DH then what is to stop her from persuading DH to stay with DS once you are home...

Everything about your posts scream that you are not comfortable with this and I would trust your instincts..

I remember your last post and I think everyone agrees that alarm bells were ringing then... they are still ringing

Original poster
huggymummy · 15/02/2008 19:55

Yes, MIL is increasingly the driving force. She hasbn't seen fil so it's all hearsay.

I've really woken up now - I'm going to speak to my boss monday. I will offer a week in Italy staying with dying father and bring all back including mil (I'll deal with that issue when she's here).

I think a week is excellent. If fil is that ill he won't want a toddler running around.

If dh doesn't accept that - it's lawyers.

Very sad but there you go.

I've just hidden ds and my passport.

I can't do more than that at the moment.

xx

OP posts:
mehdismummy · 15/02/2008 19:56

excellent. Just dont leave him alone. Just dont.

mehdismummy · 15/02/2008 20:01

excellent. Just dont leave him alone. Just dont.

Original poster
huggymummy · 15/02/2008 21:10

Thanks all - a couple of hours ago I was feeling a bit flaky and thinking it would be best to do as he asked and just feel very insecure till they got back.

Now - very different. I'm offering a decent amount of ds and fil time together WTIH ME. That's 6 days which I feel is more than adequate.

I've had rl friends on the phone giving advice as well. I'm feeling strong, fair and ready to take what's coming.

I'm offering alot - if it's not enough it's the end - but dh has to take responsibilty.

Thanks again.

I'll post back monday which is when I anticipate I'll know more.

OP posts:
HansieMom · 15/02/2008 22:00

no, no, no. do not do that! don't leave your son with them. you don't trust them, with good reason.

and maybe now is a good time to think about why you stay with this guy.

batters · 15/02/2008 22:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HansieMom · 15/02/2008 22:22

I posted after I read just your opening statement. Now I've read the 70 posts to date--and you plan on going for six days. If you are perfectly comfortable with that, that's what important. But looking at it from my viewpoint (old enough to be your mother!), I'm not comfortable for you!

Maybe try to book tickets again, talk to H about a return date for MIL, and if he flips out AGAIN, then say adios to H.

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 16/02/2008 09:24

What worries me is once they get you both in the country what if hey won't let you take the child back with you and if FIL is dying, why is MIL coming back with you?

sleepycat · 16/02/2008 09:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LolaTheShowgirl · 16/02/2008 15:36

Please don't even go over. This stinks of child abduction, it really does. When you're over there, suppose you get distracted for even a moment and your DS gets snatched, even by someone when your walking down the street in Italy then kept until you return home - childless. Sounds like something out of a book but i've seen it happen before. Please do not go at all, just hand your passports to your parents to look after and suggest your DH goes alone with plenty of baby photos for your FIL to look at. Please don't go...I have a bad feeling about this if you or your DS does go.

Kimi · 16/02/2008 15:47

DO NOT LEAVE YOUR CHILD IN A FOREIGN COUNTRY WITH A MAN WHO YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH IS ON THE ROCKS, THAT IS BEGGING FOR TROUBLE

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