MIL, DH and DS - am I being stitched up.

[huggymummy]

DH and I not getting on - getting to critical point.

I still agreed to fly out to his country for 5 days at Easter to see FIL who apparently is dying. I say apparently because he's being 'dying' for the last 5 years and dh hasn't spoken to him for years.

The deal was also to bring back mil. How4ever we had a massive argument when I tried to book the tickets wed as the prices had gone up and I made the HUGE mistake of asking when mil would return to her country so I could book the return portion of the ticket (she's a nightmare). He went nuts - nasty - admitted the relationship was over - called me insane etc.

TODAY - very nicely he's pleading that the reason for wednesday's outrage was that he felt sorry for FIL and 5 days not enough and aked that we fly over. I fly back ALONE after 5 days leaving 21 month old ds with them for one more week to make fil happy. And then ds, dh and mil fly back a week later.

What do I do. Perhaps fil really is seriously ill this time. I feel trapped. I want to call his relatives to find out (as dh still hasn't called his father). Mil is behind this (she and fil estranged so why would she care). Will they really fly back. Is it appropriate to leave a 21 month baby abroad without ME. I don;'t think so! My parents are going nuts about this.
IS THIS NORMAL!

I just can't beleive that at this moment he is still prioritising mil over everything.

WHAT DO I DO..

sorry but in the circumstances you have said, I wouldn't let my DC out of my sight.
Def not to a different country!!

Agree with flightattendant and Frisbyrat.

Buy the tickets, hide the passports, whistle nonchalantly.

If nothing else it buys you more time to decide what you are going to do.

I really hope you take all the advice here seriously huggymummy, and don't go to Italy. It is not worth the risk, even if the change is 100 to 1.

I guess the thought of divorce is scaring you at the moment, but surely it is much better than staying with this man and his controlling mother?

He is manipulating you. I think oyu should do what frisbybat suggests, go along with his plan, don't give him any clues that you are planning anytihng other than what he wants, and then on the day of travel discover you can't find you or DS's passports.

You and your DS need out of this relationship.

chance, not change

Please take Smithfields advice, don't think that your dh is not capable of this, he is and it seems very likely that this is indeed what he is planning.

Think about it, would you rather have deprived your (I doubt) dying FIL one last chance of seeing his grandson, or having your son taken from you and who-knows-what chance of getting him back?

Please be on your guard, please be strong, your son needs you to be.

I wish you the very best of luck and I sincerely hope this has a happy ending.

Agree with everyone else on this thread- DO NOT GO TO ITALY. GO TO YOUR FAMILY WITH DS AND GET A DIVORCE ASAP. Am really sorry to read about all this and am sure you must be in a lot of turmoil, but this man and his family are BAD NEWS. Good luck, be strong. xx

Ditto. DO NOT GO.

Today's the day.....

Anxiously awaiting news.

yes, huggymummy where are you?

bump!

bump

Keeping watch.............

DON'T GO. You may think you will keep a close eye on your ds but it is impossible.

Where will ds be when you shower,go to the toilet etc?

It may seem ridiculous but on his home ground dh will be able to take ds and hide in minutes.

As others have said, accept your marriage is over.Don't be emotionally blackmailed. If dh is so concerned about his 'dying' father then why hasn't he phoned him yet.

Hide your passports and birth certificates(in case dh tries to get new passport for ds) at work, bank safe, anywhere not easily accessible to dh.

If you are at work who looks after ds? Hope it's nursery or childminder. Tell them not to let ds go with dh-if this is too awkward think about changing childcare soon so dh won't know where ds is.

If you read Donya El Nahi's book most mums would say that their dh showed no signs of 'kidnapping' their children.

He is definitely planning on keeping ds there-his story is too fishy. Unfortunately he will try even if you don't go.

Sending you strength to stand up to him.

Huggymummy, please let us know what's happening ASAP- we're all really worried. Hope you and DS are safe and not in Italy.

Oh hi!

OMG all the response! So chuffed.

Big breath - I am going - we are going for 8 days. He will be with me - it's a small village and everyone knows me and I know enough Italian to hold my own. He will not be left alone. Nothing will happen there with me.

Bit embarrassed as I pretty much fessed up to my boss! Aghh -there goes my professional reputation! He was great about it. Reunite are going to call me back.

Mil is coming back on an open ticket. Rather her here than my there. More control here.

We go Easter.

Marriage defo on rocks - cousin stayed the weekend and dh was so subdued. Tonight when I told him it was inappropriate for any mum to leave their child and any father to expect that but I'd gone to effort to ensure we ALL spent more time with 'dying father' - he just sneered! Then sulked.

Legal advice is on the way for the future. Also from a manipulative point of view I plan to take lots of photos of dying fil for the future divorce and the fact that now the dates are fixed there is nothing to stop my dh booking his minor gum operation (the reason he wanted mil in the UK - agh - bless) the fact that he's not making enought effort to book it is further ammunition for the divorce. I suddenly feel back in control.

Thanks so much for the support. However, we may not go at all as in my drunken efforts to hide our passports - I cannot remember where I hid them!!!!!!!! What an idiot.

I will post at some point to let you all know.

Busy writing the diary that I've been told to keep about behaviour and events.

Thanks again - so chuffed and it really lifted me to a level where I could just function.

I'm a real toughie - particularly around my ds - who is an absolute gorgeous little thing.

Oh another point.

Alot of this is to do with MIL. She is probably the most stupid person I have met and that's what makes her a liability.

I am calling her tomorrow to inform her (nicely) of the dates - the difficulty I had in arranging the extra time off and the fact that it's illegal to leave a baby alone like that - so sorry. It will send her a strong message.

I will also do the same in Italy when I'm with the wider family (the majority of them are very very nice people).

When she gets here I will be attentive for the first two weeks, then I'll revert back to normal - ie do my own stuff with my ds (he has a pretty full social diary even if I don't) and I won't invite her along to everything - she needs to know what life in the UK will be like - ie she needs to be independent. I will also ensure that my dh takes responsibility for her (he never does - just dumps her on me) and when I've booked his operation I will take him to and from the hospital (it's an small operation - not even put to sleep), I will take ds to stay with MY mum as after all MIL is coming to the UK to look after her son and she won't want me and ds as a distraction.

Huggymummy, is your H from the south of Italy? If so I would be wary tbh as, despite the modernity and semi-efficiency of the rest of the country, many of the more rural places in the south are still very feudal and medieval in outlook. Add to that the fact that legal processes are so slow in this country that by the time you'll be able to take your H to court the child will have long been spirited away elsewhere (or indeed at university). Also, remember you're the straniera and you'll always be at a disadvantage.

An Aussie friend of mine married a Sicilian many years ago and whilst on holiday in his home town her H kidnapped all 4 of her DCs and there was nothing the police could do to find them. She had been living here for a few years, knew the ropes, spoke perfect Italian and even Sicilian but there was no one who would help her on her H's territory. These things are rare but alas do happen.

BTW for those who mentioned that kidnapping in general is rife here, it's no longer true, it went out of fashion a few years ago.

Hi huggymummy, are you really sure about going? I am so worried for you and your DS. Please do not take an eye off him and make sure you sleep in the same room as him. All it takes is a minute for him to be snatched, taken to a different city where you no noone and you to have to come back alone. I think your MIL and DH's motives are really suspicious. Please take care of yourself and your little boy. He is clearly loved by you

Please don't go.

I agree with Lola, Dittany and skinnygirl - why take the risk if your marriage is on the rocks anyway ? You can't be watching your ds every minute and if things are so rocky with your dh there is more likelihood than ever that he may attempt to keep your ds in Italy. And surely if you and your dh are having problems the last thing you need is your mil over here indefinitely, stirring things up.

Please don't go huggymummy. Please listen to all the people who have posted on here. Please, it is not worth the risk.

'I agree with Lola, Dittany and skinnygirl'....and winetimeisfinetime and Thinwhiteduchess...

We could start a petition if you like? Would that make a difference.... We just want your little boy to be safe.

And regarding the posts talking about the dangers of being snatched in Italy, the biggest danger, is that if they 'did' snatch ds they may only have to keep in from you for a period of time.

To explain further, the courts act to restore 'equilibrium'. when the child is first snatched the equilibrium' would be restored for the child by returning him to you of course.

However, there is only a matter of time before this changes. So lets say they managed to keep him from you for a year. After, this length of time, the courts may well decide he is better remaining in that environment than being uprooted again. The 'equilibrium' sways toward them.

I urge you to think again about going. And yes his extended family may be lovely, whilst you are seen as part of that family. But family's soon close ranks when issues arise, and you may well be left on the outside.

Huggymummy just leave hime now why stay

If you are convinced the marriage is over - and he seems to be acting like an arse anyway - I would simply leave now.

Do not go abroad with your ds. It is almost inevitable that you will not come back with him.