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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

MIL, DH and DS - am I being stitched up.

171 replies

huggymummy · 15/02/2008 18:00

DH and I not getting on - getting to critical point.

I still agreed to fly out to his country for 5 days at Easter to see FIL who apparently is dying. I say apparently because he's being 'dying' for the last 5 years and dh hasn't spoken to him for years.

The deal was also to bring back mil. How4ever we had a massive argument when I tried to book the tickets wed as the prices had gone up and I made the HUGE mistake of asking when mil would return to her country so I could book the return portion of the ticket (she's a nightmare). He went nuts - nasty - admitted the relationship was over - called me insane etc.

TODAY - very nicely he's pleading that the reason for wednesday's outrage was that he felt sorry for FIL and 5 days not enough and aked that we fly over. I fly back ALONE after 5 days leaving 21 month old ds with them for one more week to make fil happy. And then ds, dh and mil fly back a week later.

What do I do. Perhaps fil really is seriously ill this time. I feel trapped. I want to call his relatives to find out (as dh still hasn't called his father). Mil is behind this (she and fil estranged so why would she care). Will they really fly back. Is it appropriate to leave a 21 month baby abroad without ME. I don;'t think so! My parents are going nuts about this.
IS THIS NORMAL!

I just can't beleive that at this moment he is still prioritising mil over everything.

WHAT DO I DO..

OP posts:

MrsMattie · 15/02/2008 18:13

But if she even suspects that her husband is capable of this, why take the risk? Madness. Don't do it.

Original poster

huggymummy · 15/02/2008 18:16

Yes, it's italy.

He's not a nasty man but if i let this happen he can do it again and again.

It's becoming apparent that his mum is the driving force in our marraige - not us. My dad is very very diplomatic and pragmatic - he's not happy,.

Should I just call his dad?

OP posts:

warthog · 15/02/2008 18:22

i wouldn't leave my dc in a foreign country. your dh seems very unreasonable.

ComeOVeneer · 15/02/2008 18:24

You have expressed concerns that he may try and take ds, you have said threats have been made regarding taking ds. SO why the hell are you even contemplating being separated from ds. Hide passport, refuse to go end of story.

OverMyDeadBody · 15/02/2008 18:24

You've got nothing to loose by calling his dad.

I agree with everyone else though that you shouldn't leave your DS in another country and come back here without him, it's far too risky.

ComeOVeneer · 15/02/2008 18:25

Why call his dad? What info are you hoping to get from him?

catinthehat · 15/02/2008 18:26

Don't hide it, burn it (or give it to your dad) and pretend you've lost it. You really don't want it to be found even by accident. Then it'll be too lare to get a new one for Easter

OverMyDeadBody · 15/02/2008 18:28

On second thoughts, CoV is right, what difference will it make calling his dad anyway? Regardless of whether or not he is dying, your MIL's behavious and your H's behaviour make it likely that they may try to keep DS there. Why risk that?! Hide the passport.

TheBlonde · 15/02/2008 18:28

I agree with ComeOVeneer - hide the passport, don't go

Original poster

huggymummy · 15/02/2008 18:31

ComeOVeneer - is he really that ill?

I'm not so convinced about ubduction (but I'm getting that way now). But dh an I not good for a year. He's very mummy's boy and mummy is very needy. She came over when ds was 4 weeks old and it was hell on earth to say the least and we haven't really got over it.

Plus at 16 months we ran out of money so I found a small job to help out (contex, dh inferitlity and were told IVF the only option - i didn't agree so gave up career in desperation to try naturally - happily it worked - but at expense of career). He then said he wanted to take ds ot italy - I'd only just started job so couldn't go - but I said i'd try to get the boss to agree to let me have week off - dh then went off the idea.

It's setting a precident. We went two Christmases ago as fil was dying. So dying that sil called him at 6.45 am to order him to go and fetch her croissants at the local bar.

Would it be terrible to call around to see what fil's health is really like. I wouldb't want fil to miss out on ds if he's really that ill. But so far it's been crying wolf (not on his part - but on part of mil and dh) and given the state of our marriage - the fact that I'm really exhausted by it all - I don't want to be taken for a nother ride and I want no risks.

Would 5 days be enough for us all?

OP posts:

wannaBe · 15/02/2008 18:35

don't go. In fact I would set the wheels in motion so that he has moved out before your mil's supposed visit so that you don't have to tolerate her staying with you again.

Why does he want you to go home early - that would set huge alarm bells ringing for me. And even if he's in italy it takes months to get the courts to agree to give your ds back, by which time your h/mil could have poisoned him against you.

ComeOVeneer · 15/02/2008 18:35

But huggy you have expressed concerns re abduction yourself. Sorry but where my child is concerned I would take no risks what so ever.

KaySamuels · 15/02/2008 18:36

He doesn't have to be a nasty man, he just has to be deluded enough to think your ds would be alright without you at 21 monhs old. Which he has already told you he does!

Please don't even go. Burn your ds's passprt or give it to your dad, and then smile sweetly and tell you dh that he will just have to go on his own to spend quality time with the in laws.

Seriously - don't go.

edam · 15/02/2008 18:38

Huggy, don't let ds go without you or stay on without you. Even though Italy is in the EU, it would still be very complicated/costly and traumatic if you did end up fighting a nutty MIL for your boy. (My sister's MIL is Italian and tried to be top dog - fortunately she backed off when sister (and I!) stood up to her.)

Original poster

huggymummy · 15/02/2008 18:47

Right - am shitting my pants as I don't really want a divorce and this might force issues.

Will sort out on Monday - get info i need. It might mean a really difficult step - but he's kind of put me up to this given the problems and his behaviour.

I'm sure it's not abduction. MIL trying to control and given our circumstances it's raising the stakes so high.

If I say no this might be divorce.

OP posts:

KaySamuels · 15/02/2008 18:55

He has wanted to take your ds to his home country before without you and when you said you could go it was suddenly forgotten.
Please don't go.

Just a thought but if MIL wants to be top dog it may well be her that is convincing your dh to stay there with your ds. Either way I would be very concerned.

edam · 15/02/2008 18:57

You said it was at critical point in the first place. And h is behaving very badly towards you - going nuts, calling you insane.

D I V O R C E doesn't sound like such an extraordinary step, tbh.

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 15/02/2008 18:58

If you say no and he divirces you you are better off out of it tbh.

Do not go. Do not let your child go.

Get your family in on what may be happening and get them on your side.

Do not go and do not let your child go.

BreeVanDerCampLGJ · 15/02/2008 19:01

You many need this, they specalise in child abduction cases.

I would not normally post something so extreme, but this stinks to high heavens TBH.

mehdismummy · 15/02/2008 19:07

if he is willing to divorce you over something as trivia as this i is not worth it anyway. If its italy you will be ok at least we have some kind of agreement with them. But just dont risk it babe. I know you dont think he would but can you say with 100% honesty that he would not. Could you really leave without him. I am having big problems with dh. Abuse etc. And i am so weak for not leaving. But i would never ever for one nano second leave him for one day without me. No man should expect you to. Be strong and dont get intimated

VanillaPumpkin · 15/02/2008 19:08

Poor you. I agree with the other posters. Do not go. Do not let your son go. Shred ds's passport. I am afraid it seems like divorce anyway .
Trust YOUR parents. They truly have your best interests at heart and are an emotional step away from your DH.

OLDroot · 15/02/2008 19:15

fil is so ill that his wife will leave him to come to uk for an extended period of time?

LazyLinePainterJane · 15/02/2008 19:17

If it was me I would be giving my and my DS passport to a relative or close friend to look after and hide away or be shredding it.

Original poster

huggymummy · 15/02/2008 19:19

Old root - mil and fil are seperated. She hasn't even seen him.

Guys - would I be within my rights to call fil or his family to check the situation. Or would I be seen as trouble making? I wouldbn't let them know of travel plans or what's happening here- just see how well or not he is and the prognosis?

Note the last time we were in Italy he wasn't 'dying' and the odd occasion he came round he was make to feel very very very unwelcome.

OP posts:

smithfield · 15/02/2008 19:21

Agree- re-shredding ds' passport. Better to be safe than sorry. If the worst did happen you would never forgive yourself.
I'ts not worth giving dh/mil the benefit of the doubt, not with your ds' welfare at stake.
Good luck.

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