Female opinions needed please: After many years of being single, I've met someone I really connect with, but there is a snag...

[NeatNectarine]

For a bit of background I am a 43 year old male, no brothers or sisters, my mum died over 20 years ago, and there is just me and my dad, and he is 82 and despite being in good health in the grand scheme of things I know he won't be around much longer.

Whilst nearly all of my friends have gone on to get married/have kids/buy houses I have done none of that. I've spent a big part of my life single, no kids, living in the home I was born in (my dad lives with his partner). I never foresaw my life turning out this way, but it has.

I want to stress I am not unhappy, I am pretty positive and optimistic, have a good social life and a good group of friends, and I like to think I have looked after myself reasonably well, I am fit and healthy and (I hope) a decent human being.

I do find it hard to make a deep connection with someone, and I would rather be single for the right reasons than with someone for the wrong ones. I have lots of female friends, but I reckon in the past 25 years I probably have only felt a real spark/connection with maybe three females.

One of them happened in January, and this is the crux of my story.

Back in November I joined a running club local to me. Just a one hour a week thing, but it has been good, it is a good group of people and I really enjoy it.

One of the first things I noticed the first time I went was that the female coach was really pretty. It was November and she was wrapped up in a big coat, hat, scarf, etc, but I could see she was very attractive (she is also a fair bit younger than me, there is a 12 year age difference).

Didn't think anything more of it, as being in a big group we didn't really get to know each other aside from a few words here and there.

A few weeks later I found out she is dating a friend of a friend. He is a guy who works for my friend's company and has done so for around a decade. I've met him maybe 10 to 15 times over that period and he is a nice guy.

Again didn't think any more of it.

Then things started to change in mid-January, both my running coach and her boyfriend (we will call her Rachel) were at our mutual friend's 40th birthday.

Rachel and I started talking and ended up chatting pretty much the entire evening. There was an immediate connection, we realised we shared a lot of the same thoughts and attitudes to life and had a lot in common.

The next morning I woke up and thought how much I had enjoyed talking to her the previous evening, when I heard the ping of a message on WhatsApp. It was Rachel saying how much she had enjoyed seeing me outside of running and how nice it had been to chat.

We swapped a few messages back and forth that day, then again a few days later, then probably within a week we were messaging every day, and that is how it has been since the end of January.

We message back and forth constantly on WhatsApp throughout the day. We've met up for coffees and walks and runs, she has come round to my house a few times to catch up and whenever we do spend time together she always messages me after saying how lovely it is.

The messages we swapped haven't crossed any boundaries, but we both have said we feel a connection, that we really enjoy each other's company and there was lots of light flirting, without either of us addressing the situation head on.

So last week she came round and I told her how I felt. I basically said I like her a lot, that initially it was just a physical attraction, but when I got to talk to her properly I realised it was much deeper than that and it has developed over the past few weeks/monts. For me it was more the chance to get the feelings off of my chest than look for answer.

At the time she said she liked me too, and that it was obvious how well we get on from how much we message and that it feels natural and we share a lot of the same thoughts and attitudes to life.

After she left she sent me a message saying she was sorry if she was a bit quiet when I told her I liked her, but she "didn't feel she was in a position to really say too much, but that I hoped I knew she thought I was wonderful".

A couple of days later she said she had been doing loads of thinking since my chat with her. She didn't say specifically what it was about, just that although she was always a great advocate for communication she knew sometimes in some situations she could be a bit closed. She said she had got herself into a messy situation when she was younger by being too honest, and maybe that was why.

If anything since I told her how I felt, our communication and flirting and has gone up a notch.

The one thing I noticed was if she wasn't interested in me in a romantic way she could easily have used the get-out and said she saw me just as a friend. Whilst she might not have wanted to do this in person, she could have done it via a message, but she never has, instead she said she was not in a position to say much.

For a bit of background information on her relationship. In 2021 she left her ex who she had been with for six years. Never talked to anyone about it, just turned up on her parent's doorstep one day and moved back in with them.

She met her current boyfriend fairly soon after I think, so they have probably been together around 18 months. He has a nice flat, but she lives at home with her parents not with him. She has never mentioned to me about moving in with him, but instead says she is saving up to buy her own place. They don't seem to spend a huge amount of time together, and he doesn't appear in any photos she posts on Instagram etc.

The only time she has mentioned her boyfriend to me was when she was talking about the cats she had with her ex and how she needed to find a new home for them. She said her current boyfriend wouldn't have them as he doesn't like cats, I jokingly replied "What??!" (I love cats), and she just replied with a red flag emoji.

Anyway, I feel silly posting something like this as a 43-year-old man, but I guess I'd just love to hear others opinions on it. Do I just leave this? Do I cut contact? Or do I pursue it?

Apologies for the long post.

TLDR: I am a 43 year old male. It is rare I meet a girl I really connect with, I did in January and we have been messaging back and forth constantly since and seen each other on a number of occasions. We both recognise the connection, but she has a boyfriend.

If she was fat and ugly you wouldn't be feeling the connection. I think you need to go online dating. This girl is a time waster.. she's one of those girls who keep a bloke whom she fully knows fancies her as an ego boost pretending it's just platonic friendship. If you don't want to sleep walk the rest of your life, go for an actually available woman. She's not flat out rejecting you because she's enjoying this far too much.. but she won't promise you more so that she can extricate herself from you when a better offer comes along.

Jesus

She’s having an emotional affair with you, while she is in another relationship.
This is not a strong stable person.

This is spot on in every way.

If nothing physical had happened between you after all this time it never will. Pull back.

Sounds harsh but living in your parents house because you can pay minimal rent at the age of 43 will be absolutely killing your chances of finding anyone.

I think she's either consciously or unconsciously playing a bit of a game.
She could end things with the boyfriend but isn't doing.
I think she enjoys the attention of knowing you have a thing for her, it's an ego massage, pleasant but safe flirtation, maybe a bit of a thrill. Maybe she even feels a genuine connection, but whatever she feels for you or sees you as, it's not enough for her to call it a day with her boyfriend.

I think you're going to get hurt unless you behave with some self respect and stop prostrating yourself at her feet in hope. I think you've acted in good faith being honest with your feelings, and to this point it was an unknown quantity gently developing organically... but from this point the dynamic will be a power imbalance unless you state you won't tolerate being a plan b type pastime. Withdraw unless she puts you first.

Ia it possible to just be friends OP? Sometimes, a person you really click with like you've described is really hard to find and when you do, maybe take what's on offer. That doesn't mean you can't have a relationship with someone else, just means you've got a nice connection with another human while you both are actually 'with' someone else. You'd have to be careful to keep boundaries though, otherwise you're simply starting an affair (emotional or otherwise). But you haven't done anything physical so it's not gone past a point of no return that way maybe? I'd say she's a player if you hadn't had such a huge connection with each other. But then again, it does seem strange that she feels such a connection and still doesn't want to do anything about it. Maybe she just sees it as a meaningful but only friendship connection? I suppose I am wondering if there's no rush you could see if you could have an anything else type relationship, hard if you dote on here though . You might be better off cutting it and settling for a lesser connection with someone who you can make a life with? Only you can work this out but I do see your dilemma.

Thanks again to everyone who has commented.

Just to address a couple of points:

"I am so sorry that you lost your mother at suddenly at such a young age. I must have been shocking for you and your Dad.

Have you had an opportunity to process this grief properly? I wonder if you didn’t have that opportunity if you have no siblings and your priority was supporting your Dad?"

I've never thought about this. Maybe it is the case. On the whole I like to think I am a more of a radiator than a drain, I have no room for negativity in my life and am pretty positive and happy person, but I generally don't get overly emotional about anything.

"İt doesn't sound like she is good at communicating in relationships. Just walked out of her ex's life without talking about it? "Can't say more" about how she feels about you?"

Yes I agree with this. She has admitted herself she knows she can be "closed" in instances like this.

"The way you describe and talk about her is actually very superficial, there is nothing coming out from your description that says to me that you do have a connection at all other than she is turning up and flirting with you behind her boyfriends back."

Well of course that is a matter of interpretation, I don't want to make this sound too much like a scene out of Before Sunrise, but there are very few people I have had a long conversation with about sociology the first time I met them (we both studied it).

"If she was fat and ugly you wouldn't be feeling the connection. I think you need to go online dating. "

You are right to an extent, but I saw her every week for about six weeks and right from the off I thought she was very attractive. But I had zero feelings towards her until the first time we talked properly at my friend's 40th birthday party, and it was only after chatting to her all night there and then meeting up and messaging back and forth continually that I felt a connection, so it obviously isn't based solely on looks.

And I've done online dating multiple times.

"Sounds harsh but living in your parents house because you can pay minimal rent at the age of 43 will be absolutely killing your chances of finding anyone."

I know this is off topic, but it makes absolutely no sense to move out!

1. I have the house exclusively to myself, my dad pops around very rarely, so I have my own place.
2. There is no way I could afford to buy a property where I live just on my salary.
3. If I were to find somewhere to rent privately I would be paying at least double for a room in a share house and treble to four times as much to rent a one-bedroom apartment.

"Is it possible to just be friends OP?"
I think so. At the moment since I told her how I feel it is a big weight off of my shoulders. I will give it a go without doing any running to her asking if she wants to meet up and do stuff together and see what happens.

Maybe it is true she likes the attention. I know it is easy to think the best of someone and paint them in the best light possible, and to me she doesn't seem like this, but it could well just be me being blinded by her, so maybe there is a lot of truth in this.

Anyway I will pull back a little bit and see what happens over the next few weeks.

Thanks everyone!

Sorry but to put it bluntly, Rachel, is a cunt.

Either she us lovebombing you for the attention or she genuinely thinks it's OK to get this close to a guy behind her boyfriends back.

It doesn't sound like she knows how to be single either. Which is potentially another huge red flag. As is her suddenly ghosting her bf of 6 years (though I wonder how you know about this? Did she actually brazenly tell you she randomly vanished on him? Because if so, she is warning you who she is).

I don't know if she likes you or solely the attention you are giving her. But either way she is a very damaged individual. An emotional cheat for a start. Not someone you could ever trust.

She might not be the 'type' to like the attention. But anyone can feel flattered and pleased by positive attention. If she's not close to her boyfriend and was in a bad relationship before she could well be basking in the warmth. She might not be doing it in a self aware way, she might just be telling herself it's all harmless anyway.

Talking to him all day every day, going round his house alone, thats not harmless. It's disrespectful to her partner, plain and simple.

Even if he is a knob, it does not give her the right to carry on an emotional affair behind his back or hang out in private with other men.

Also, if it was 'harmless' she would have ended things when she discovered op fancied her.

She not a nice person and I wouldn't trust her as far as I could throw her. I feel sorry for her partner.

Mind you, it takes too to tango. Op trying his luck with a woman in a relationship. Not great. Benefit of the doubt that she is arguably acting as though she doesn't have a bf already, which may be making you think they're about to spilt up. But still...poor show.

"I know this is off topic, but it makes absolutely no sense to move out!

1. I have the house exclusively to myself, my dad pops around very rarely, so I have my own place.
2. There is no way I could afford to buy a property where I live just on my salary.
3. If I were to find somewhere to rent privately I would be paying at least double for a room in a share house and treble to four times as much to rent a one-bedroom apartment."

Rachel isn't for you and you're not for her, that is evident. But you could turn this need to scrutinise your interactions into an opportunity to look inwardly and make a change for the better in your own life. Then you will have the capacity to meet the right person and a richer life to offer them.

Moving out will offer you the opportunity to catch up on the emotional maturity and life experience you have missed in the twenty years that you seem to have spent in stasis. And it will potentially be one of the best things you ever do for your wellbeing and your personal life.

You talk about the huge financial savings you have made but not about any plan to translate this into buying somewhere of your own, despite having a huge leg up that few can boast. Instead, you seem content to carry on as you are. Waiting for a woman to help you change your life is not an appealing trait.

The time for pursuing a real relationship, I would suggest, is when you have a fully-realised adult life to share with someone. You will never regret time invested in building a life of your own. Identifying a compatible, age-appropriate partner will come more easily when you have done so.

She's enjoying the attention and the fact she has other options.

She needs to lay her cards on the table.

Until then, I think you are best keeping her at arms length. Can become an enormous head fuck for you.

"I am so sorry that you lost your mother at suddenly at such a young age. I must have been shocking for you and your Dad.

Have you had an opportunity to process this grief properly? I wonder if you didn’t have that opportunity if you have no siblings and your priority was supporting your Dad?"

I've never thought about this. Maybe it is the case. On the whole I like to think I am a more of a radiator than a drain, I have no room for negativity in my life and am pretty positive and happy person, but I generally don't get overly emotional about anything.

I think you might have unprocessed grief - not getting overly emotional is an understandable defence in trauma (flight / freeze) ie when you lost your Mum - a numb state would ‘help’ you contain deep negative emotions - but switching the emotional tap off also stops you feeling positive ones - and making any really deep connects for the fear of losing them suddenly.

I would look at maybe doing some therapy to explore and unpick this - you won’t erupt. I am conscious of your point about being a ‘radiator’ socially and wonder if it’s important for you to maintain this persona rather than be vulnerable and open emotionally?

It seems this lady has nudged you emotionally so it might be a good time to explore what you are really yearning for but maybe (understandably) are too scared to admit.

It might not be with this woman specifically.

But it seems that if you want a relationship and a family of your own now is the time to explore that.

I agree with this 100%.

It seems @NeatNectarine that you are clinging rigidly to financial security as it is a ‘certainty’ when your emotional security was suddenly ripped away from you as a very young person. I think the loss of your mother so suddenly would have a huge impact on you as an only child and also that you DF (although you may be happy for him) has ‘moved on’ physically and emotionally.

I think there is some underlying fear / anxiety which is making you very risk averse emotionally which is then potentially very slowly blighting your life through lack of intimacy and relational connection.

You could look to invest and take risks in your emotional future and development so that you push yourself out of your comfort zone so that you experience satisfying long term personal growth

Blimey! What was all that about?

The man does have his own home - his landlord just happens to be his Dad. If he was renting from any other landlord would you be suggesting that he basically needs to grow up and get a life! He can have a "fully-realised adult life" (!) whilst also having his father as his landlord!

@Mischance The OP has specifically said that he still lives in the house as his childhood home. He is living like this rather than redecorating and taking steps to evolve his living space to grow up with him as he would if he had taken a private tenancy or taken over occupation of the house with his father solely as his landlord, as you suggest he has done. That is not healthy for an adult.

If you read back through his posts and their tone you will see a throughline that he is living much as he did in his early twenties. There has been very little space given for emotional growth and he certainly doesn't sound like a forty-something man. Rather than dwelling on this superficial connection with someone far younger, it would be better to work on moving his life forward.

Surely after paying minimal rent for 20 years you must have substantial savings?

She is not being fair to you or her bf. At best she is enjoying a bit of flirting at worse she is a player. Totally unfair as she is messing with people's emotions. I would get out now. Could turn messy when bf finds out his gf has been messaging another man.

Find a woman who is available, via interests, friends or OLD. Ask her if she'd like to get coffee/ a drink. See where it goes.

Because this woman is a poor bet. She's flirting with you and sleeping with him. You must see that is bad news.

OP you sound lovely. You are the perfect age to find someone to start a new life with. I don’t think your current tease sounds like the one - she’s just circumstantial and a reminder that you would like a partner.

I disagree ENTIRELY !!

Sometimes people are with the wrong person .

I met my DH 37 years ago. We were both married and like you NOTHING happened .. but we both knew ...

It was horrible. But long term both ex's have also found genuine happiness and love .. and we all now socialise.. and our kids (our own none together) are also happy with the arrangement..

Cheated once .. will cheat again is such bullshit .. sometimes it's just not the right person .. I have never had a moments worry that he would stray. and I know he feels the same about me.. it was horrible and neither of us would want to put anyone through it again.

Whatever her feelings for you, she has a bf who she's chosen not to leave. She's having an emotional affair and betraying him every time you and she have a cosy chat or exchange flirty looks or messages.

If her bf isn't important to her, then why doesn't she leave him?
If her bf is important to her, why is she happy to cheat on him? (and if you became her bf bear in mind she thinks cheating is OK).

If I were you, I would pull back and reclaim the coach / runner relationship. Strictly. You can be friendly and chat, but treat her like you would anyone else in the group. She may approach you at some point about it, and you can explain that it would be wrong, and unfair on you (as well as her bf) to pursue anything more than that while she is in a relationship with someone else.

If she doesn't ever approach you about it, or if she does and then still remains with her bf, you know where you stand.

I also think you should cool things with her. She is either someone who adapts to new situations well so it seems she has a lot in common with someone....or she does genuinely have a lot in common with you and needs head space to decide to move on. Its a big red flag though that she has created this emotional connection with you without addressing her boyfriend issue. She might just like the attention.

All is fair in love and war.

Just don't fuck up the kids.

There are no kids, or did I miss something? The gentleman, and he does sound respectful of boundaries but clearly interested in the running chum, is playing for the long term. I predict a wedding. And wish them every happiness.