Female opinions needed please: After many years of being single, I've met someone I really connect with, but there is a snag...

[NeatNectarine]

For a bit of background I am a 43 year old male, no brothers or sisters, my mum died over 20 years ago, and there is just me and my dad, and he is 82 and despite being in good health in the grand scheme of things I know he won't be around much longer.

Whilst nearly all of my friends have gone on to get married/have kids/buy houses I have done none of that. I've spent a big part of my life single, no kids, living in the home I was born in (my dad lives with his partner). I never foresaw my life turning out this way, but it has.

I want to stress I am not unhappy, I am pretty positive and optimistic, have a good social life and a good group of friends, and I like to think I have looked after myself reasonably well, I am fit and healthy and (I hope) a decent human being.

I do find it hard to make a deep connection with someone, and I would rather be single for the right reasons than with someone for the wrong ones. I have lots of female friends, but I reckon in the past 25 years I probably have only felt a real spark/connection with maybe three females.

One of them happened in January, and this is the crux of my story.

Back in November I joined a running club local to me. Just a one hour a week thing, but it has been good, it is a good group of people and I really enjoy it.

One of the first things I noticed the first time I went was that the female coach was really pretty. It was November and she was wrapped up in a big coat, hat, scarf, etc, but I could see she was very attractive (she is also a fair bit younger than me, there is a 12 year age difference).

Didn't think anything more of it, as being in a big group we didn't really get to know each other aside from a few words here and there.

A few weeks later I found out she is dating a friend of a friend. He is a guy who works for my friend's company and has done so for around a decade. I've met him maybe 10 to 15 times over that period and he is a nice guy.

Again didn't think any more of it.

Then things started to change in mid-January, both my running coach and her boyfriend (we will call her Rachel) were at our mutual friend's 40th birthday.

Rachel and I started talking and ended up chatting pretty much the entire evening. There was an immediate connection, we realised we shared a lot of the same thoughts and attitudes to life and had a lot in common.

The next morning I woke up and thought how much I had enjoyed talking to her the previous evening, when I heard the ping of a message on WhatsApp. It was Rachel saying how much she had enjoyed seeing me outside of running and how nice it had been to chat.

We swapped a few messages back and forth that day, then again a few days later, then probably within a week we were messaging every day, and that is how it has been since the end of January.

We message back and forth constantly on WhatsApp throughout the day. We've met up for coffees and walks and runs, she has come round to my house a few times to catch up and whenever we do spend time together she always messages me after saying how lovely it is.

The messages we swapped haven't crossed any boundaries, but we both have said we feel a connection, that we really enjoy each other's company and there was lots of light flirting, without either of us addressing the situation head on.

So last week she came round and I told her how I felt. I basically said I like her a lot, that initially it was just a physical attraction, but when I got to talk to her properly I realised it was much deeper than that and it has developed over the past few weeks/monts. For me it was more the chance to get the feelings off of my chest than look for answer.

At the time she said she liked me too, and that it was obvious how well we get on from how much we message and that it feels natural and we share a lot of the same thoughts and attitudes to life.

After she left she sent me a message saying she was sorry if she was a bit quiet when I told her I liked her, but she "didn't feel she was in a position to really say too much, but that I hoped I knew she thought I was wonderful".

A couple of days later she said she had been doing loads of thinking since my chat with her. She didn't say specifically what it was about, just that although she was always a great advocate for communication she knew sometimes in some situations she could be a bit closed. She said she had got herself into a messy situation when she was younger by being too honest, and maybe that was why.

If anything since I told her how I felt, our communication and flirting and has gone up a notch.

The one thing I noticed was if she wasn't interested in me in a romantic way she could easily have used the get-out and said she saw me just as a friend. Whilst she might not have wanted to do this in person, she could have done it via a message, but she never has, instead she said she was not in a position to say much.

For a bit of background information on her relationship. In 2021 she left her ex who she had been with for six years. Never talked to anyone about it, just turned up on her parent's doorstep one day and moved back in with them.

She met her current boyfriend fairly soon after I think, so they have probably been together around 18 months. He has a nice flat, but she lives at home with her parents not with him. She has never mentioned to me about moving in with him, but instead says she is saving up to buy her own place. They don't seem to spend a huge amount of time together, and he doesn't appear in any photos she posts on Instagram etc.

The only time she has mentioned her boyfriend to me was when she was talking about the cats she had with her ex and how she needed to find a new home for them. She said her current boyfriend wouldn't have them as he doesn't like cats, I jokingly replied "What??!" (I love cats), and she just replied with a red flag emoji.

Anyway, I feel silly posting something like this as a 43-year-old man, but I guess I'd just love to hear others opinions on it. Do I just leave this? Do I cut contact? Or do I pursue it?

Apologies for the long post.

TLDR: I am a 43 year old male. It is rare I meet a girl I really connect with, I did in January and we have been messaging back and forth constantly since and seen each other on a number of occasions. We both recognise the connection, but she has a boyfriend.

It sounds like she likes you a lot, has feelings for you, and that she isn’t very serious with the person she’s dating right now, or it’s off and on. Could it be that they go out but are not in a committed relationship? That would explain her freely spending time with you.

She is acting a little coy. I’d ask, hey are you serious with _ ? Are you still in a relationship with him Because as you know, I have feelings for you but I don’t want to cause problems or interfere with your relationship in any way.

There is not really an excuse for her to not be straight with you. Good luck, you sound like a great person. I hope this works out for you.

I may be wrong, but by that do you mean: "I sort of hope I'm the only one special enough to make her eyes wander"?

This is a common line of thought from women who get together with the man on the basis of an affair (even from a nuanced POV, this has gone on long enough, and you two have declared your feelings explicitly enough for this to be called an "emotional affair"). These women believe he made an exception to his morals out of love for them.

Sometimes this is the case, and the new couple live happily ever after with no more cheating. But more often, it's not the case, because the kind of person who cheats, cheats. There will always be novel temptations – even models' husbands cheat! And the kind of person who doesn't cheat, usually doesn't cheat no matter what.

I don't mean this as a moral judgment. People's tendency to cheat or not could be due to anything from views formed growing up, general impulse control, degree of self-awareness resulting in actions taken to block temptations, etc. I just mean this in a behavioural prediction sense.

So if you do get together with her, do be prepared for her to cheat on you. That hopefully won't be the case, but it's a stronger probability than if you two had got together on a clean moral slate. I guess it's like – expect the worst but hope for the best.

If she wanted to be with you she'd have dumped her boyfriend by now. They aren't even living together so it's not as much of a big deal as walking away from a marriage and kids.

Your post reads like you're trying to convince yourself that she feels the same way you feel about her.

She isn't as into you as you think she is.

This situation doesn't sound very healthy for anyone involved. Neither of you seems to be discussing what is happening between you very maturely. She might be seeing you as a safe way to explore other options, beyond her current relationship, while not taking you seriously as a relationship prospect.

You say you live in the house you grew up in. If you have redecorated, made it your own and established a life there as an adult that is one thing but if it appears that you are literally living in your childhood home at the age of 43 that could potentially be quite offputting for this woman or future dates.

Either what you two have is enough for her to finish with current guy & commit to you.
Or she really likes current guy & what you have isn't strong enough to stop seeing him.

At the moment she's enjoying the attention & flirtation from you both. Understandable that she likes it, but you're all a bit old for that really.

It's in your gift to ask her to shit or get off the pot not play with your emotions, as you need to back away if she's not interested to allow you to pursue other relationships.

Well I read the whole thing thinking you were a woman so I was interpreting it as her being unsure of her sexuality. Anyway, that's clearly not the case! I think she's a game player. She has no intention of splitting up with her BF but likes the attention from you. Sorry, it sucks. I would pull back now and say ok since you are with BF I don't think it's appropriate for us to continue. You sound dead nice though!

Is Rachel's boyfriends name Ross?

Thanks again to everyone for your comments, I appreciate everyones take!

To respond to a couple of points:

"From what you've said l don't think she is a manipulator, l think she has probably been hurt in the past, the relationship she has now probably suits her because she's not in too deep."

She did tell me she wasn't happy in her relationship with her ex, and obviously never told anyone about it and kept it in until one day when she packed up all her stuff and went back home to her parents who were shocked as they thought everything was going well. So may the current relationship suits her for the very reason mentioned above.

"Maybe this is just a sign that you fancy a relationship now? Perhaps the fact that you haven't clicked with many women is partly simply because you haven't been looking that hard? It's a nice relaxed attitude that would also be pretty attractive to many women. Perhaps just do slightly more looking?"

Maybe I should. I generally am pretty happy in my own company, and maybe I am too relaxed. So this is a possiblity.

"Why don’t you join OLD."

What is OLD?

"Because every situation is different I guess" -

I may be wrong, but by that do you mean: "I sort of hope I'm the only one special enough to make her eyes wander"?"

Yes pretty much, but I guess I mean that it is easy to get stuck in lots of situations, even when you have realised something isn't totally for you. And I am not just talking about relationships, but friendships, career paths, jobs, etc.

Sometimes you get stuck in them out of a strange sense of loyalty, or simply not wanting to hurt someone (even though inevitably in this scenario the only person you end up hurting is yourself). I've certainly done it.

We have this bizarre notion that a small commitment can mean forever or you aren't allowed to change your mind.

But what you say about a person who cheats, is often always a cheat and vice-versa makes sense.

"You say you live in the house you grew up in. If you have redecorated, made it your own and established a life there as an adult that is one thing but if it appears that you are literally living in your childhood home at the age of 43 that could potentially be quite offputting for this woman or future dates."

It is the latter! I never expected still to be living here when I was 43, and I never expected still to be single when I was 43, but that is what happened. I guess it was just circumstances. I finished Uni in Sheffield and lived and worked up there for a year and then moved back home.

Under normal circumstances I would never have been able to live back with my mum and dad again after four years of living independently, but within three months of me moving home my mum died of cancer, my dad was distraught and there was no way I wanted to move out and leave him alone. Three years later, just as I felt in a position where I could let him be and move out he met a new lady who lives about five minutes walk away. Twenty years later they are still together and he spends 90% of his time there, I have the house to myself and pay minimal rent to what I would pay privately, it doesn't make sense to me to move out. I guess I just thought I would have met someone by now.

And if I met someone who I really liked and they liked me, and everything seemed to be perfect but they were put off when they saw where I lived, then I would see that as more of an issue for them than me.

Anyway I think the general consensus is to pull back. As I say it is only just over a week since I told her how I felt, so maybe she is still thinking about things and processing them.

Maybe it is because I feel like I am running out of time to meet someone. I am 43, I have no brothers or sisters, my dad is 82. I know how quickly the past decade has gone and I don't want to be stuck in this same situation in a decade's time.

As for everyone who has said I sound nice, thank you!

You sound like such a nice guy and are being really thoughtful about this. It sounds like she might have a crush, but she really needs to make it clear if she wants something. Would you be able to stay friends with her if she wants nothing?

I think she likes you, but more than that she likes the attention and wants to have her cake and eat it. She’s happy with her boyfriend but doesn’t mind stringing you along because it’s flattering. Sorry OP. I’m sure you could find someone else nice if you try online dating.

I am so sorry that you lost your mother at suddenly at such a young age. I must have been shocking for you and your Dad.

Have you had an opportunity to process this grief properly? I wonder if you didn’t have that opportunity if you have no siblings and your priority was supporting your Dad?

I wonder if you are emotionally and physically ‘stuck’ as it seems you might have avoided ‘feeling painful grief / sorrow / sadness - which at the same time inadvertently cuts off the other end of the feeling spectrum joy / love etc.

It looks from the outside that you might be numb and partially sleep walking through your life.

I might be way off beam and I don’t want to offend or hurt you.

You say, hey, are you still with your boyfriend? Because if you’re not, I’d like to ask you out for dinner

this !
you know this op

If you're looking for a long term relationship, don't waste the time you have to find one going down this blind alley. A 30 year old woman with such relaxed boundaries around her relationships with other men is not a good bet for an older man.
If you accept she will likely do to you what she's doing to her current BF, particularly when the age gap starts to show, you could enjoy it in the short term. But if you're looking for a happy ever after I'd keep looking and not waste time.

She sounds quiet entitled, showing up on parents doorstep with a bag of cats.
😆

Gut feeling on this one is that she likes the attention. I thinks she's playing you too be honest. I'd pull away as she's not quite the lovely person that you think she is.

The reason she didn’t tell you she just sees you as a friend could well be because she is worried that you may end the friendship with her and she’s enjoying the attention / flirting.

You sound lovely OP. Congratulations on your new job too.

An uncle in my family, fantastic person, didn’t meet and get married to his wife until he was in his 40s. They had a very long and happy marriage, around 35 years, and his wife a stellar person too.

She likes the attention, and feeling desired/wanted. No intention to leave bf or she would have done so already

I'm really sorry if this sounds blunt, @NeatNectarine, because that's not the intention; but there's the distinct possibility that you have chosen a woman who in a key way mirrors the pattern of grief that you initially experienced with your mother. That is, that she simply isn't and cannot be there for you.

Stay friendly but take a step back for a while. She may be suffering on the horns of a dilemma, and will have to decide for herself whether or not she wants to stay with her current boyfriend, or whether she is interested in a relationship with you.

I dare say you will find out one way or the other in due course.

İt doesn't sound like she is good at communicating in relationships. Just walked out of her ex's life without talking about it? "Can't say more" about how she feels about you?

Honestly even though you like her I don't think a relationship can go well with someone who can't talk about their feelings.

Sorry I think your ‘connection’ is based much more on her being unattainable and attractive than you will admit to yourself.

The way you describe and talk about her is actually very superficial, there is nothing coming out from your description that says to me that you do have a connection at all other than she is turning up and flirting with you behind her boyfriends back.

So I think you are fooling yourself, there is no deep connection, you are being played and if she ‘chooses you’ she will always have someone else waiting in the wings.

I think she likes your attention. She doesn't want to reject you lest she cuts off her source of narcissistic supply.

Hmmmm it’s a tricky one and not ideal. If she’s flirting and has feelings for you then I guess her boyfriend is not the one. I got together in a vaguely similar ish situation (although my then partner was an absolute a hole) so it wasn’t a difficult decision! But was with someone all the same - met someone new flirted for a bit had an amazing connection. Left him, got with new guy - been together 17 years (married 14) never look at another guy since ! So it doesn’t have to mean she’s just a tease and will repeat, jus t means she’s with the wrong person,
I’d say make your feeling clear , leave the ball in her court but don’t do anything until she actually splits with him.