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Original poster

Financial mess and thinking of ending relationship

106 replies

Messyhead83 · 18/04/2023 12:00

It really is a mess. Or at least that's how it feels in this moment.

I have 2 lovely DC, neither are my long-term partners. He's been my only proper relationship since my youngest DD was born (separated with ex when pregnant), and she was nearly 4 when I met my current partner.

He is a kind, patient generous man and we get on brilliantly. But his money management historically is atrocious. That's not me being judgey - his history includes bailiffs,
defaults and he's now filing for bankruptcy.

I knew all of this when we got together so we took it slowly and I protected myself and DC. I wanted to give him a chance, as he had so many great qualities (despite some alarm bells).
Also, I'm not perfect and have made some really rubbish life choices, so I know how it feels to get into a pickle. But these days life is pretty good on the whole and financially me and DC just about get by. I work and we do cheap things to entertain ourselves.

Theres no history of gambling, so I think - although well paid- he used to mismanage his money and just not have enough for bills etc. It sounds pathetic while I'm typing it as I would normally run a mile from someone who couldn't at least pay their bills, but like I said, I know what it's like to fall on hard times.

We've been together almost 2 years and I have seen some improvements, but I worry that his complete fear and..allergy towards managing finances (albeit improved) will never really go. And he's 51 so not a spring chicken. Also, our lives will be that much harder without more solid finances to fall back on. He hasn't even filed for bankruptcy yet (it is taking him ages because of the fee which I'm struggle to be sympathetic about).

I just needed to type it all out and would be grateful for any replies. Even if it's only to tell me I'm an absolute spoon and should have run for the hills on the first date...

Took make it worse, he's temporarily living here although nothing is in his name.
He has a well paid job at the moment.

God I'm an idiot

OP posts:
shropshire11 · 18/04/2023 12:12

I think you’ve answered your own question here (several times). It’s one thing to care for someone and give them a chance, it’s another to have them move into your house when they refuse to start living responsibly. At the very least you need to get some distance here.

Original poster
Messyhead83 · 18/04/2023 12:15

Thank you Shropshire I guess the first stage is asking him to move out. It feels cruel as I know he hasn't anywhere else to go at the moment.

OP posts:
tribpot · 18/04/2023 12:24

Yes, you really do need to get him back out again. No reason not to be in a (fairly casual) relationship with this guy but he cannot live with you or be tied to you in any way.

It's clear that he hasn't hit rock bottom, and still doesn't understand what's wrong with his behaviour. He won't, whilst you're enabling him to avoid the worst of it.

Get him back out and then see what happens.

Original poster
Messyhead83 · 18/04/2023 12:29

Thank you Tribot for your (very) sound advice. And for not flaming me.

Oddly, I think he did hit one rock bottom the year before we met, but perhaps it wasn't sufficient to get him to change..

He can be very responsible (eg with his son from prev relationship), but not with finances, at all.

I'm going to ask him to move out, I'll give him time to find somewhere decent (but not too long)

OP posts:
IsThePopeCatholic · 18/04/2023 12:33

Could he maybe enrol on a money management course? He sounds great in other ways, so it would be a shame to lose him.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 18/04/2023 12:36

If he hasn’t got his shit together by 51 what hope is there? Really he’s like 15years off retirement. Call me selfish but I want an enjoyable life in my later years, a man with a repayment program and unable to understand you pay your bills first and foremost doesn’t work for me.

Original poster
Messyhead83 · 18/04/2023 12:39

Thanks Pope, he had some counselling when I met him (talking therapies) to help him tackle it, just before we met. He's better than he was (doesn't try to hide the financial problems which I think is what he did with his ex partner) so an improvement there but still not got to grips with managing it.
I think that perhaps, even though he's great in other ways, it makes me lose respect from him a little as he's also had some financial management help from a charity..
but maybe I'm being a bit harsh

OP posts:
SavBlancTonight · 18/04/2023 12:39

Unfortunately, this is a huge red flag. Is he at least taking responsibility for his bankruptcy or is he blaming other people?

You need to disentangle yourself now or you will be financially responsible for him forever. if ou are genuinely okay with that and feel he gives you enough support in other ways, then fine, no problem. But think very very carefully. Because normal people who get themselves into a financial mess do everything in their power to sort it out and are apologetic to the people in their lives who are affected.

TiredButDancing · 18/04/2023 12:40

this sounds alarmingly like my exBIL. If his name starts with a D and he's accusing his ex of all kinds of things, RUN RUN RUN.

Original poster
Messyhead83 · 18/04/2023 12:41

Thanks for your reply Onlyfools, I get that completely. And that's what I'm struggling with (and have been for the past few months..).
A big bit of me is just like 'for the love of god, just get your shit together'

OP posts:
Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 18/04/2023 12:41

I would worry about him in the future. At his age he should be thinking about paying off the last bit of his mortgage and throwing extra into a pension. Even if he is a least paying his way in your home (?) you risk having to support him in his old age.

AbsoIutelyLovely · 18/04/2023 12:41

Get rid of him.

You are risking your children’s security.

junebirthdaygirl · 18/04/2023 12:42

Does he have ADHD as sometimes it can lead to chaotic management of money.
This might seem mad but if he is good..genuinely..in every other way could you manage all the money and he take on other responsibilities.

Original poster
Messyhead83 · 18/04/2023 12:42

Tired -no not him! He's not acusing his ex of anything and different name! I guess this isn't an unusual situation...

OP posts:
Eggseggseverywhere · 18/04/2023 12:43

My dh is on the spectrum and has no idea how to manage money. We have separate finances!

caffelattetogo · 18/04/2023 12:44

If he's being well paid, where is his money going?

Original poster
Messyhead83 · 18/04/2023 12:44

Junebirthday I suspect ADHD as his son is currently being tested and I have observed some traits. He is incredibly kind and lovely in may other ways.
He pays his way definitely so I could potentially manage everything, but just worried I'd end up feeling like his mum!

OP posts:
Original poster
Messyhead83 · 18/04/2023 12:45

Agreed Newyear the future looks a bit bleak for us financially

OP posts:
Original poster
Messyhead83 · 18/04/2023 12:45

I'm worried about that Absolutely

OP posts:
monsteramunch · 18/04/2023 12:45

You say he's 'temporarily' living with you. What's the plan on that front? I would be concerned that someone planning bankruptcy is unlikely to then be able to easily get their own place so is likely to pressure you to let him formally move in?

BKingso · 18/04/2023 12:46

It's really good that you aren't married to him and don't have joint names on any tenancies, mortgage etc. That's the main thing.

If you can preserve a nice relationship with him, at arms length, once he's moved out that could be ok. Ideally though it would be better if you were free to meet someone else who had more to offer you in terms of stability etc IF you are hoping for a marriage type partnership in the future.

There was a really sad thread the other day where a woman discovered her partner had used her name and address to run up debt. You should probably check your own a credit score- you will see there any untoward debt. Unlikely but worth protecting yourself. Martin Lewis website has a section that helps you do this.

PollyPeptide · 18/04/2023 12:48

If he has a well paying job and he doesn't gamble, where's his money going?

Viviennemary · 18/04/2023 12:49

I think he shoukd go to counselling with one of those debt help charities. He obviously has a problem and it isnt because he hasnt got money coming in as you say he has a well paid job. Just keep your finanaces totally separate and don't get involved in paying off his debts.

Original poster
Messyhead83 · 18/04/2023 12:49

I get that Eggseggs, very sensible

OP posts:
MrsMoastyToasty · 18/04/2023 12:49

He sounds like my BIL. He was made bankrupt in the mid 90's and lost his house (and eventually his wife divorced him).
Fast forward to the last 5 years and he's been made bankrupt again and lost another house. He's married again during the last 2 years but his 2nd wife has the house in her sole name .