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Original poster

Financial mess and thinking of ending relationship

106 replies

Messyhead83 · 18/04/2023 12:00

It really is a mess. Or at least that's how it feels in this moment.

I have 2 lovely DC, neither are my long-term partners. He's been my only proper relationship since my youngest DD was born (separated with ex when pregnant), and she was nearly 4 when I met my current partner.

He is a kind, patient generous man and we get on brilliantly. But his money management historically is atrocious. That's not me being judgey - his history includes bailiffs,
defaults and he's now filing for bankruptcy.

I knew all of this when we got together so we took it slowly and I protected myself and DC. I wanted to give him a chance, as he had so many great qualities (despite some alarm bells).
Also, I'm not perfect and have made some really rubbish life choices, so I know how it feels to get into a pickle. But these days life is pretty good on the whole and financially me and DC just about get by. I work and we do cheap things to entertain ourselves.

Theres no history of gambling, so I think - although well paid- he used to mismanage his money and just not have enough for bills etc. It sounds pathetic while I'm typing it as I would normally run a mile from someone who couldn't at least pay their bills, but like I said, I know what it's like to fall on hard times.

We've been together almost 2 years and I have seen some improvements, but I worry that his complete fear and..allergy towards managing finances (albeit improved) will never really go. And he's 51 so not a spring chicken. Also, our lives will be that much harder without more solid finances to fall back on. He hasn't even filed for bankruptcy yet (it is taking him ages because of the fee which I'm struggle to be sympathetic about).

I just needed to type it all out and would be grateful for any replies. Even if it's only to tell me I'm an absolute spoon and should have run for the hills on the first date...

Took make it worse, he's temporarily living here although nothing is in his name.
He has a well paid job at the moment.

God I'm an idiot

OP posts:
monsteramunch · 18/04/2023 12:50

PollyPeptide · 18/04/2023 12:48

If he has a well paying job and he doesn't gamble, where's his money going?

This is what I don't get.

If he's living in your home (you say temporarily but I can't see he'll want to leave when he's soon to be bankrupt) with you and your child and he has a history of poor money management, I think you're well within your rights to have a very frank discussion to understand exactly what his debts look like, why he's having to do the nuclear option of bankruptcy and what exactly his plan is re paying for and housing himself now and in future including retirement.

Original poster
Messyhead83 · 18/04/2023 12:52

Caffe and Polly, it's a newish job and salary goes towards a fair amount of outgoings - child maintenance, car and he pays his way here. I think things are harder because of the historic debt and his credit rating is screwed (even more so when bankruptcy goes through)..

OP posts:
BringtheJury · 18/04/2023 12:53

What happened to his previous accommodation?

Original poster
Messyhead83 · 18/04/2023 12:54

I agree monster, I think that's fair.
we've had so many chats. Our relationship is hanging on but a thread.

He moved here when his landlord wanted to sell house he was renting.

OP posts:
monsteramunch · 18/04/2023 12:56

Messyhead83 · 18/04/2023 12:54

I agree monster, I think that's fair.
we've had so many chats. Our relationship is hanging on but a thread.

He moved here when his landlord wanted to sell house he was renting.

And what has the outcome of the chats been? Do you know exactly where his money is going and exactly what his plan is post bankruptcy? Or does he go into 'woe is me' / 'this is stressing me out too much to talk about' mode and make you feel you're being mean for pushing for answers?

What is the plan re his living situation? Is he actively looking for a new place to get? Have you seen him doing online searches to find places? Calling estate agents? Or has he 'temporarily' moved in and then not done anything proactive to find a new place? I worry it's the latter and that you're going to be pressured into letting this be an ongoing thing...

Original poster
Messyhead83 · 18/04/2023 12:57

BKingso yes - that's very positive (no joint finances and his name isn't on my tenancy).

I think once he's moved out, I'll have the space to see how I feel about him then.
It will be hard for him to find a place with bankruptcy looming.

OP posts:
Original poster
Messyhead83 · 18/04/2023 12:57

Sound advice Vivien thank you

OP posts:
Wigeon · 18/04/2023 12:58

Messyhead83 · 18/04/2023 12:52

Caffe and Polly, it's a newish job and salary goes towards a fair amount of outgoings - child maintenance, car and he pays his way here. I think things are harder because of the historic debt and his credit rating is screwed (even more so when bankruptcy goes through)..

But those are all totally routine expenditures - everyone has living costs (what he pays you), people with children have costs related to that. Surely the car repayments can't be taking up all the rest of his salary? There must be something else it's going on, or he is routinely spending much more than necessary on routine things, eg a very expensive phone contract, regular eating out and holiday he can't afford etc etc

BringtheJury · 18/04/2023 13:00

It will be hard for him to find a place with bankruptcy looming

That is not your problem, don't allow him to make it so.

monsteramunch · 18/04/2023 13:00

Our relationship is hanging on by a thread.

This, combined with his upcoming bankruptcy, makes me feel like it might be the most sensible thing to at least take a breather from this relationship.

He has a massive few months ahead of him. He'll be stressed, broke and feel pretty shit about his decisions.

Do you want a man you've been with less than to years, going through probably one of the most difficult stages of his life, to be living in the same house as your child during that process?

The atmosphere will be tense and anxious at absolute best. Moody, sulky and snappy more likely.

It's not fair on her to move in a man in such a tumultuous time of his life IMO, can you see things from that point of view?

Original poster
Messyhead83 · 18/04/2023 13:01

Okay, so there is a little of the 'woe is me', just a bit, when we've talked monster, but he knows I won't stand for that so I tend to stop him going down that route and urge him to accept his part in everything and take responsibility.
He doesn't seem to have much of a solid plan, other than me manage everything I think? (For now he gives me a chunk of his salary every month towards all bills).

We've only just started talking about him moving out so when he gets home from work, I'll ask him what progress he's made..

OP posts:
monsteramunch · 18/04/2023 13:02

I think once he's moved out, I'll have the space to see how I feel about him then. It will be hard for him to find a place with bankruptcy looming.

You need to ask him to leave as a matter of urgency. You'll never get him out of his own accord especially with bankruptcy looming. Clever man to move in just beforehand, ready to guilt trip you if you tell him to leave. Perhaps I'm cynical but it feels rather convenient for him.

monsteramunch · 18/04/2023 13:04

He doesn't seem to have much of a solid plan, other than me manage everything I think?

Mate, it's madness to be in a relationship with him then.

His plan is 'I don't really have one but money can be your responsibility'.

And he's moved himself in right before a time he knows it will be hard for him to get his own place.

If you were my friend I'm afraid I would want to shake you a bit 😬

It's not fair on your daughter to have a man sharing her home in such a tumultuous time of his life IMO.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 18/04/2023 13:05

Blimey, yet another 'mummy fix it for me' excuses for men.

I completely agree with monsteramunch, getting him out is now urgent and not something you leave until he finds somewhere 'decent'.

Is it because he's paying his way (and therefore helping with household bills) that you are so reticent, OP? Big mistake - he needs to go.

Original poster
Messyhead83 · 18/04/2023 13:06

Of course I can see things from the perspective of this not being great for my DD Monster wholeheartedly I can.
And that's the main reason I feel so shitty about this situation. Because of her and the impact is is and will have.

I do feel like he needs to move out (urgently) and that we have a break

OP posts:
bellswithwhistles · 18/04/2023 13:07

My husband is shit with money so I manage all of it. It all comes into one pot - I allocate the bills /direct debits and what we have left is ours. I monitor online regularly to see what's been spent.

It's sorted it out completely. On the odd occasion he's had a mess up, I've removed his debit cards and given him cash for the day!!

Original poster
Messyhead83 · 18/04/2023 13:08

I probably do need a good shake and talking to Monster!! Which is why I came on here - To knock some sense into myself!

OP posts:
Original poster
Messyhead83 · 18/04/2023 13:08

Perhaps Lyingwitch being brutally honest with myself, perhaps. It is a mistake

OP posts:
SmallAngryPenguinWoman · 18/04/2023 13:09

I can't see him moving out too easily, but agree he needs to do so ASAP.

Original poster
Messyhead83 · 18/04/2023 13:10

Wigeon just normal things. not making any excuses for him, as other people seem to manage!?!!

OP posts:
monsteramunch · 18/04/2023 13:10

Messyhead83 · 18/04/2023 13:06

Of course I can see things from the perspective of this not being great for my DD Monster wholeheartedly I can.
And that's the main reason I feel so shitty about this situation. Because of her and the impact is is and will have.

I do feel like he needs to move out (urgently) and that we have a break

You need to tell him that is what's happening then. Not ask him. This isn't a joint decision. Your house, your child, your rules, your timeframe.

"I've had a really good think and I don't feel comfortable with you continuing to live with us due to our current issues, the financial situation and upcoming bankruptcy. You need to find somewhere alternative to stay by the end of this month as I'm putting DD first and this just isn't fair on her as it stands. Im sure you understand I have to prioritise her."

Original poster
Messyhead83 · 18/04/2023 13:12

Thanks bells did he get in a mess before? if you don't mind me asking.

I actually wouldn't mind if someone was a bit shit with money. I think it's all the historic mess.

OP posts:
AncientToaster · 18/04/2023 13:14

Have you ever seen his financial statements at all ?

Original poster
Messyhead83 · 18/04/2023 13:15

That's exactly what I want to say Monster and it's exactly how I feel.
I really do want to say it.

But doesn't that make me a completely shit human as I was fine about him staying here initially (albeit temporarily). He also has his son to think about/house when he's with him. I don't know.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 18/04/2023 13:16

Messyhead83, it doesn't have to mean the end of your relationship if that's not what you want - but he needs to be out of your home (and your daughter's home). It needs to be back on a dating footing where he doesn't stay at your place and pays his way for dates.

If he's as nice and great as you say he is then fantastic. I suspect though that as his plan for a mummy-substitute won't be going ahead then he will not be in a position to pay his way for anything and it's far better that you (and your daughter) are out of it.

There are too many men who use the 'softly, softly, catchee monkey' approach until they get their feet well under the table. By that time, it's too late to get them out.

He needs to go and you would do better fashioning your lifestyle about what you can afford on your own. Anything else is then a bonus.

I know I'm being harsh but it comes from a place of concern as I know this dance... not good for any woman.

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