Financial mess and thinking of ending relationship

[Messyhead83]

It really is a mess. Or at least that's how it feels in this moment.

I have 2 lovely DC, neither are my long-term partners. He's been my only proper relationship since my youngest DD was born (separated with ex when pregnant), and she was nearly 4 when I met my current partner.

He is a kind, patient generous man and we get on brilliantly. But his money management historically is atrocious. That's not me being judgey - his history includes bailiffs,
defaults and he's now filing for bankruptcy.

I knew all of this when we got together so we took it slowly and I protected myself and DC. I wanted to give him a chance, as he had so many great qualities (despite some alarm bells).
Also, I'm not perfect and have made some really rubbish life choices, so I know how it feels to get into a pickle. But these days life is pretty good on the whole and financially me and DC just about get by. I work and we do cheap things to entertain ourselves.

Theres no history of gambling, so I think - although well paid- he used to mismanage his money and just not have enough for bills etc. It sounds pathetic while I'm typing it as I would normally run a mile from someone who couldn't at least pay their bills, but like I said, I know what it's like to fall on hard times.

We've been together almost 2 years and I have seen some improvements, but I worry that his complete fear and..allergy towards managing finances (albeit improved) will never really go. And he's 51 so not a spring chicken. Also, our lives will be that much harder without more solid finances to fall back on. He hasn't even filed for bankruptcy yet (it is taking him ages because of the fee which I'm struggle to be sympathetic about).

I just needed to type it all out and would be grateful for any replies. Even if it's only to tell me I'm an absolute spoon and should have run for the hills on the first date...

Took make it worse, he's temporarily living here although nothing is in his name.
He has a well paid job at the moment.

God I'm an idiot

No Ancient, but I know the debt is relatively high (approx 40k in total)

Bringthejury it feels like it's become my problem as we are/we're a couple, but I completely get it..

I'm going to be real with you OP, at this point you need to decide whether you'd rather hurt his feelings or hurt your daughter's wellbeing.

It's going to be an awkward conversation, yes.

But it's for the benefit of your daughter.

You can't put off doing the right thing because it involves an awkward or upsetting conversation.

Especially when you have a child.

If that's exactly what you want to say then you need to say it. You're an adult, this is your home, your child is your responsibility.

He is a man you've been seeing for two years who you've been very kind to but who is not an appropriate person to continue to live in your home.

I think you're catastrophising because you don't want to feel like the bad guy. But better to feel like the bad guy in his eyes then actually be doing the wrong thing for your daughter.

I've just seen that he needs a place for his son to stay. OMG, OP. Do no let this be your house. This is your daughter's home.

If ever there was an incentive for him to get his shit together, would not having a child to care for/house be that? He is a slippery one... please be so careful and get him out of your home.

When he has his son currently does he have him stay at your house?

This guy has got his feet right under the table.

You need to get him out as soon as possible.

The longer you leave it the harder it will be and the more he'll guilt trip you.

And you unfortunately sound vulnerable to that guilt tripping which is worrying.

Again agreeing with Monsteramunch. Better a difficult conversation now that sets out the correct scene than many years of regrets and your own financial security down the toilet.

I know Lying. Problem is - I know this all deep down, and would give the same advice to a friend.
Normally I'm such a cynic.

Urgghh.

I don't know if I'm catastrophising Monster. I'm already the bad guy for allowing this situation to happen (that's not at all 'woe is me' just the truth). And I'm trying to un f*#k this situation as best I can (admittedly, I haven't womaned up enough yet, you're not wrong).

The bottom line is the kids are happy here, but you're right - it's not good for their well-being long term so I need to rip the plaster off and just do it.

Yes, his son started staying here too..

I agree too Lying

I would be very concerned about your address being attached to his bad debts or indeed bankruptcy. That can have a far-reaching effect on your own credit score.

Make sure that he has moved out and that nothing is attached to your address before he files for bankruptcy. He can ruin his own address, not yours.

Do you have a real life friend you can rehearse this with? Get your thoughts in place?

The 'softer' option of dating would lessen the impact (for you) and maybe that's the way forward rather than a straight break-up but absolutely NO living in yours/your daughter's home. It was never meant to be a permanent thing - tell him that.

Say that you have friends staying (to fill as many bedrooms as you have) and that he'll need to find somewhere else - and then get his keys, or change the locks.

He will take and take from you. Paying his way is the 'loss leader', he has nothing to offer you and quite honestly, a woman who is managing her own home/finances and bringing up a young child wouldn't find this sort of man attractive unless she were a bit lonely. I wanted to say 'desperate' but it's a harsh term and I don't think you really are, just too hopeful and papering over the cracks.

This man is taking up your headspace/heart and space that a proper, solvent one could fill at some point...

You could legitimately say that you're wanting to concentrate on your daughter for now for ever, so back to dating please.

@Messyhead83 you don’t have to answer this, but is the amount he’s been paying you enough to cover half of all the bills and food?

Thanks Lying, I haven't given any friends in RL all the details. I don't know why. Or actually - I do. And I'm also usually the listener with my friends.

I think the softer approach may help, but it does need to be done. All really helpful ideas, thank you.

Kind of you not to use the word 'desperate'. I've wondered if I have been a bit myself, I think I was definitely a bit lonely. I was actually very happy being a single mum before - really got into my stride and we were incredibly content, all without a man.
I'd be very happy with just DC and me again.

Thanks Amanda, that's sensible

It will be hard for him to find a place with bankruptcy looming

It's a mess of his own making. Of course it would be easier to be sympathetic if it sounded like he gave a fuck, but as someone upthread said it all seems a bit 'mummy, fix it for me'.

Women are not hospitals for broken men. Women are not hospitals for broken men. Women are not hospitals for broken men. Women are not hospitals for broken men. Women are not hospitals for broken men.

Yes A pairof it covers it, but I've worried as it's a newish job. Soon to all be academic I guess

Thank you Catchyou for making me laugh. Needed it.
Very good autosuggestion!

Agreed.

No one falls in love faster than a man who needs somewhere to stay.

If you like him and can separate your money from your relationship, then there's no need to end the relationship.

But if his inability to manage money leaches over into other areas of you being together, never mind financial, then you may want to think again.

I was with someone very similar (but unfortunately abusive in other ways) and it drove me crazy that I had to do all the money management, especially as his inability to do it made him defensive...

It's whether you can separate the two, and look after you and DC and not get embroiled in his mess...or whether that's too difficult to achieve without binning all of it.

You can do this. At 51 and perpetually in a financial mess is not a solid bet for you in the slightest. As others have said he’s nearer to retirement than not. If he hasn’t sorted himself out now he never will.

Why is he filing for bankruptcy? Failed business or just plain financial overspending and complete ineptitude. I knew one of these as well and it was a permanent cycle of denial etc. Twenty years later I believe he’s still house hopping with women in better financial circumstances than him.

He’s had some help, isn’t prepared to change his ways and now bankruptcy is his next option. He will only pull you in one way and that’s down, down, down.

As you say you were content being single and can do this again. You have choices that are positive so take those steps and let him sort out the mess all of his own creation. He really is not the man for you but you can extricate yourself from him and his mess.

it's a newish job and salary goes towards a fair amount of outgoings - child maintenance, car and he pays his way here. I think things are harder because of the historic debt and his credit rating is screwed

He's got a well paying job now so why doesn't he start paying off his historic debt? That's better than bankruptcy, I would have thought. And if I was with a man who I was thinking of having a future with, I'd want one who took responsibility over his past actions and attempted to right them, rather than took the route of bankruptcy which could have such a detrimental effect on my future.

My bil had lots of debt when he met my sister and he turned his life around. But he was in his late twenties which is a massive difference from being in his 50s. With two children, I don't think I could add to my mental load of worrying about the financial future of someone else as well. Life's meant to be fun, not a such a trudge and a slog.

I suspect the progress made will be nil.

Oh OP, he's so irresponsible.

If having a child isn't enough for him to have a solid plan absolutely in place including proactively finding somewhere to live (which he hasn't, he's taken the easy option of moving in with you) then nothing will be enough for him to get his shit together.

I'm worried you're going to cave if he does sad face when you tell him it's not possible for him to keep living there.

Your child is now having to share their home not only with a man who you aren't in a happy, healthy relationship with (due to the money issues and his lack of sorting his shit out) but also occasionally with his son, too, because his dad hasn't sorted out a sensible and sustainable plan for parenting on his time.

It would be madness to continue this any longer.