Financial mess and thinking of ending relationship

[Messyhead83]

It really is a mess. Or at least that's how it feels in this moment.

I have 2 lovely DC, neither are my long-term partners. He's been my only proper relationship since my youngest DD was born (separated with ex when pregnant), and she was nearly 4 when I met my current partner.

He is a kind, patient generous man and we get on brilliantly. But his money management historically is atrocious. That's not me being judgey - his history includes bailiffs,
defaults and he's now filing for bankruptcy.

I knew all of this when we got together so we took it slowly and I protected myself and DC. I wanted to give him a chance, as he had so many great qualities (despite some alarm bells).
Also, I'm not perfect and have made some really rubbish life choices, so I know how it feels to get into a pickle. But these days life is pretty good on the whole and financially me and DC just about get by. I work and we do cheap things to entertain ourselves.

Theres no history of gambling, so I think - although well paid- he used to mismanage his money and just not have enough for bills etc. It sounds pathetic while I'm typing it as I would normally run a mile from someone who couldn't at least pay their bills, but like I said, I know what it's like to fall on hard times.

We've been together almost 2 years and I have seen some improvements, but I worry that his complete fear and..allergy towards managing finances (albeit improved) will never really go. And he's 51 so not a spring chicken. Also, our lives will be that much harder without more solid finances to fall back on. He hasn't even filed for bankruptcy yet (it is taking him ages because of the fee which I'm struggle to be sympathetic about).

I just needed to type it all out and would be grateful for any replies. Even if it's only to tell me I'm an absolute spoon and should have run for the hills on the first date...

Took make it worse, he's temporarily living here although nothing is in his name.
He has a well paid job at the moment.

God I'm an idiot

This situation will not improve as you get older. I'd be telling you to get rid of him now if you were my DD.

Thanks for all your replies. Been having a good think over the last few days.

We had a serious talk the evening after I posted here and I asked him to find somewhere. He's looking at a house share initially because of cost, closer to work (he currently has an hour commute). Has got some viewings next week, but I'll make sure he does it.

He's not a pain to live with, the contrary actually as always pulls his weight and helps out with pretty much everything and the kids love him. But I'm looking forward to being with just my DC and not having the nagging feeling of all the financial stuff in the background. I feel bad for his son as he loves my kids and our house, but long term it's for the best.
Feeling quite flat and disconnected, but that's part of the process I suspect.

I think someone asked if there's an age gap? It's 10 years (I'm younger).

Well done.

Don't allow him to drag things out.

Of course you will feel flat but your children deserve you and your attention.

Not distracted by a 51 year old whom still hasn't got his shit together.

Of course he was nice and helpful, you are housing him.

He nor HiS child are your responsibility.

Drop the rope!

Well done @Messyhead83

Keep reading your thread, including this from your posting today

But I'm looking forward to being with just my DC and not having the nagging feeling of all the financial stuff in the background.

for when you have a wobble. 🌹

Thank you both, there may be a few wobbles, but I'll keep re-reading the thread to keep me on track.

FWIW believe it or not I'm normally a feisty, headstrong character; I always put my kids first. Before I found myself in this situation, I didn't appreciate the nuance of being in it, if that makes sense.
How you can suddenly start second guessing yourself and your own judgement. He's not a bad person (I generally don't believe in labelling good and bad, though there are some genuinely 'bad' people out there, of course). It scarily easy to get swept up in it. I've learned a lot, for sure.