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Original poster

Financial mess and thinking of ending relationship

106 replies

Messyhead83 · 18/04/2023 12:00

It really is a mess. Or at least that's how it feels in this moment.

I have 2 lovely DC, neither are my long-term partners. He's been my only proper relationship since my youngest DD was born (separated with ex when pregnant), and she was nearly 4 when I met my current partner.

He is a kind, patient generous man and we get on brilliantly. But his money management historically is atrocious. That's not me being judgey - his history includes bailiffs,
defaults and he's now filing for bankruptcy.

I knew all of this when we got together so we took it slowly and I protected myself and DC. I wanted to give him a chance, as he had so many great qualities (despite some alarm bells).
Also, I'm not perfect and have made some really rubbish life choices, so I know how it feels to get into a pickle. But these days life is pretty good on the whole and financially me and DC just about get by. I work and we do cheap things to entertain ourselves.

Theres no history of gambling, so I think - although well paid- he used to mismanage his money and just not have enough for bills etc. It sounds pathetic while I'm typing it as I would normally run a mile from someone who couldn't at least pay their bills, but like I said, I know what it's like to fall on hard times.

We've been together almost 2 years and I have seen some improvements, but I worry that his complete fear and..allergy towards managing finances (albeit improved) will never really go. And he's 51 so not a spring chicken. Also, our lives will be that much harder without more solid finances to fall back on. He hasn't even filed for bankruptcy yet (it is taking him ages because of the fee which I'm struggle to be sympathetic about).

I just needed to type it all out and would be grateful for any replies. Even if it's only to tell me I'm an absolute spoon and should have run for the hills on the first date...

Took make it worse, he's temporarily living here although nothing is in his name.
He has a well paid job at the moment.

God I'm an idiot

OP posts:
confessionstoday · 18/04/2023 15:00

But none of his debt is your responsibility. It's his. No matter whether he lives with you or not.
As long as he continues to pay his way every month I don't see what the issue is.
Especially if it's historic debt.

Newestname002 · 18/04/2023 15:20

@Messyhead83

But doesn't that make me a completely shit human as I was fine about him staying here initially (albeit temporarily). He also has his son to think about/house when he's with him. I don't know.

You are tying yourself in ever tighter and tighter knots instead of taking a deep breath and being honest with your boyfriend that this current situation isn't working for you or your child.

If you don't "woman up" and very very soon, you'll be an ill-blended family of four in your home with you doing ALL the heavy lifting, financially and emotionally as he won't/can't do it.

Also as another poster said, you could find your address tagged negatively financially and have your own credit score affected. Have you considered how you'd feel with bailiffs at your door?

He needs to leave at the latest by the end of this month if not before. Does he have family he and his son could live with "temporarily" whilst he sorts out something more permanently? Can he look for a house share instead of a flat/house on his own?

Sounds like his bankruptcy is imminent - don't let that happen whilst he's living with you as it will be much harder especially for you, emotionally, to move him out. 🌹

Bananalanacake · 18/04/2023 16:14

If he's such a lovely guy he will understand completely when you tell him he needs to leave as you need your own space. Only a pathetic user would try to outstay their welcome.

Livinghappy · 18/04/2023 20:05

Is there much of an age gap?

2 years is just about the time it takes to get to know someone. 40k on a decent salary should give him other options thsn bankruptcy.

Has he been on debt before? One statement I heard was "you don't solve money issues with money" he has to change his whole attitude to money but in his 50s is that going to happen?

I would be pessimistic about life together if he can't function financially.

MacarenaMacarena · 18/04/2023 21:57

Could you suggest to him trialling letting you have total control of his finances for a month? Full disclosure, no blaming for previous mistakes, just a day by day record, supporting him making good decisions - eg he makes sandwiches for lunch rather than buy them, just have a small cash amount in his wallet... Just like WeightWatchers gives people a framework when they are ready to engage with it - maybe with that level of coaching at the end of a month he'll be keen to keep it going, if he wants to keep you!

McGoadyFromFuckingGoadyville · 18/04/2023 22:02

Why would he be filing bankruptcy over £40k on a decent salary? Plenty of people have mortgages bigger than that!

monsteramunch · 18/04/2023 22:05

MacarenaMacarena · 18/04/2023 21:57

Could you suggest to him trialling letting you have total control of his finances for a month? Full disclosure, no blaming for previous mistakes, just a day by day record, supporting him making good decisions - eg he makes sandwiches for lunch rather than buy them, just have a small cash amount in his wallet... Just like WeightWatchers gives people a framework when they are ready to engage with it - maybe with that level of coaching at the end of a month he'll be keen to keep it going, if he wants to keep you!

And what if it 'works'?! OP is then responsible not only for herself and her daughter, but also for the finances of a man she's only been with for two years who has a history of financial issues, upcoming bankruptcy and zero proactive plan for where he is going live?

How would OP taking all that on serve anyone other than her boyfriend?

He needs to learn to stand on his own two feet, not defer his responsibilities to someone who already has a child to take care of!

I'm sorry but if you at any point have to give a grown man a pat on the back for making a sandwich instead of wasting any more money he doesn't have on a bought lunch, you're with the wrong man.

monsteramunch · 18/04/2023 22:06

Sorry that sounded so arsey @MacarenaMacarena I'm just aghast that women are still being encouraged to rehabilitate men at the expense of their own time and energy, it baffles me. And she's only been with him for a couple of years!

BringtheJury · 18/04/2023 22:10

I agree @monsteramunch why on earth should the op have to take on more work in order to sort out this man's mess .

Houseplantmad · 18/04/2023 22:19

I think there’s more he’s not telling you. £40k is a relatively small debt for a high earner. I think he’s up to his neck and not telling you the whole truth.

venusandmars · 18/04/2023 22:26

I met 'the love of my life' when I was mid 30s. I'd come out of an abusive marriage and had started on a new settled life.

Everything about this new man was amazing. Our interests, our values in life, sexual compatability, sense of humour. Everything except money.

He was a high earning doctor but every extra bonus he spent 3 times over. We could sit down with spreadsheets, we could monitor spending, but he just could not help himself. If he needed a new bike, he'd see the most expensive and justify why he had to spend £4K on it. But in the same month he also saw a new car he needed. And he booked a holiday. And because he loved me he bought me an amazing necklace. It was all exciting and lovely (and in the short term, vaguely affordable).

But I could see the future, I had to leave.

Twenty years later and I see on social media that he is finacially destitute. I am sad for him, and for the family that he went on to have. There was no helping him.

IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls · 18/04/2023 23:23

His debts will be attaching themselves to your address... ☹️

MacarenaMacarena · 18/04/2023 23:40

monsteramunch · 18/04/2023 22:06

Sorry that sounded so arsey @MacarenaMacarena I'm just aghast that women are still being encouraged to rehabilitate men at the expense of their own time and energy, it baffles me. And she's only been with him for a couple of years!

I understand and I agree ... He sounds a waste of time to me! OP, however, is in a relationship with him, she seems to see other redeeming features, but his financial incompetence is clearly a deal breaker. Coaching him out of it, if he is willing, seems the only hope! Though I'd say he'd better be a very quick and determined learner if he wants to salvage this relationship.
Mumsnet encounters many rather more complex relationship issues than this - I'm tempted to tell everyone to value their independence and sanity right from the start, take no nonsense and take no prisoners, don't get involved with unworthy partners.

Pixiedust1234 · 18/04/2023 23:58

We've been together almost 2 years

I see he is following the cocklodger script then.

Move into her house very quickly due to landlord eviction
Add his dependents
Have money problems but are trying to pay their share of bills but soon start saying they need financial help and eventually stop paying their share.

Woman ends up feeling sorry for him but also trapped. Nobody is that heartless to kick a lovely man out when he's broke surely! And what about his child!! The woman ends up paying for him, his child, her child and herself. Will also be expected to clean as its her house but he makes the decisions. The woman agrees as she doesn't want to emasculate this poor lovely guy who is having a run of bad luck....

Sound familiar?

LittleOwl153 · 19/04/2023 09:42

You need him out of your house before he files for bankruptcy otherwise you'll be supporting him and his son for the next 3 years...

The Trustee can apply for an Income Payments Agreement, if the bankrupt has surplus income, which can be a monthly payment for up to three years from a bankrupt person’s income. Whilst they cannot claim this from the non-bankrupt spouse, they can take account of a spouse’s income and the household running costs to work out what a bankrupt individual can afford to pay.

it will also impact you're ability to financially function...

The bankruptcy of a spouse should not affect a non-bankrupt spouse’s credit rating. However, as the bankrupt spouse will be listed at their non-bankrupt spouse’s address, it often has an effect on both parties’ ability to gain credit.

Tbh though I'm not sure he'll even get the order if he's on a decent wage for £40k. If they can take £13k a year from his wages for 3 years to cover it they will. Even If he's on minimum wage he'll have take home of £18.7k... his car will go if its on finance, £475 subsistence a month I would imagine would be acceptable to the Trustee as he's mooching off you so...

Get him out before the end of the month. His accommodation and his son are not your responsibility. (Remember his son has a home with his mother so will not be homeless!)

monsteramunch · 19/04/2023 10:13

@Messyhead83

How did it go speaking to him about this?

Apairofsparklingeyes · 19/04/2023 10:28

Ignore him saying ‘I don’t have anywhere to go’. He can get a cheap room in a shared house as a lodger or stay with family. Don’t allow yourself to be dragged into his financial mess.

billy1966 · 19/04/2023 10:34

OP,

You sound so nice but so silly and vulnerable.

Of course he's nice.

There is no man as loving as one that needs somewhere to stay🙄......and for his son🙄.

51, for goodness sake wake up.

You will be his retirement plan.

Working to the bone to keep everything going.

What an awful future you are modelling for your daughter.

Is this what you want for her?

So what if he is "woe is me".

Is he more important than your child?

Because that is exactly how you are behaving as.

You need to do better.

His housing is NOT your problem.
His parenting is NOT your responsibility.

I mean this kindly, but you are really not doing so hot in the parenting stakes with your choices, to be helping him out in his parenting is a joke.

YOU need to do better and focus on YOUR child.

Xoxoxoxoxoxox · 19/04/2023 10:53

Are you sure his debts are £40 thousand or is that what he can face admitting to?

Mummacake · 19/04/2023 11:12

OP shouldn't he be trying to secure accommodation for himself before he goes bankrupt? Currently he has a valid reason to be looking for a new rental, once he's declared bankrupt that may not be the case and you could be stuck with him for longer than anticipated.

suburbophobe · 19/04/2023 11:58

OP, think of your two kids!!

Do you want them as adults saying "Well, my mum was more concerned with some loser bloke than us".

Not saying this is so but your kids deserve your time and money put into them rather than some guy who hasn't got his shit together by the age of 51.

Bite the bullet OP.

Newestname002 · 19/04/2023 18:29

OP shouldn't he be trying to secure accommodation for himself before he goes bankrupt?

Perhaps he thinks he already has..🌹

tribpot · 19/04/2023 18:47

Yeah quite. I think @Mummacake 's line is right - it sounds like OP is trying to help rather than just fling him out into the darkness. In other words, he needs to secure accommodation before declaring bankruptcy so it's imperative he does that sooner rather than later.

Offthexmaslist · 19/04/2023 18:55

Is there ANY chance he has ADD or ADHD ? I was similarly chaotic with money until I handed it over to DD when she was 14... which was a massive ask but she just has THAT gene that I was missing..

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 20/04/2023 10:58

How irritating that excuses for cocklodging is attributed to ADD/ADHD and how sickening it is that it is ALWAYS women who make those excuses.

How about accepting that some men are just deficient at taking care of themselves and look to women for the solution to this without offering a 'diagnosis' to let them off the hook.

People who actually suffer with ADD/ADHD must be heartsick of this.