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Original poster

Husband's admission that his friend is a mysoginist

66 replies

Roastpotatoey · 16/04/2023 22:53

I recently fell out with my husband about the division of labour at home. This is because I will sometimes send him photographs of the shitty work he creates for me when he dumps things and doesn't put them away or leaves food mouldering away in the sink after washing up. I thought the visuals might help change his behaviour! Most of the women I know just put up with this sort of thing for fear of creating arguments, I'm not like this at all.

However, he has recently shared these images with his friends who are apparently mortified that I sometimes send him photographs of his sloppy ways. He probably gets 1 photo a fortnight maximum- this certainly isn't a daily or even weekly thing! I send the photo, he adjust his behaviour for a short time and we move on, or atleast I thought we did. There is no need to argue about it- he gets the picture and I share my frustration clearly "this is soul destroying having to clear this corner again today." He then clears the corner and we continue our lives. Im also certainly not a perfectionist at all when it comes to housekeeping he is just generally quite sloppy.

He has since told me that none of his friends wives do this or even challenge his friends about his sort of thing. I believe him. This does not surprise me at all and I have accused his friendship group of being arrogant mysoginists. He argued that they weren't, that only one of them is a mysoginist- the guy he happens to spend most of his time with and gives him the most advice. He also happens to be a cheating scumbag whose wife never stands up to him. My husband thinks his wife is "nice" because she's ao compliant but she's actually a doormat.

I will not be his doormat.

I barely know this friendship group. I have been out with them a few times in 10 years but my husband has regularly told me "you wouldn't like them."
I can now see why.

Also, I really don't know how I feel about him spending time with a man who is clearly, by his admission, a "mysoginist."

This friendship group are putting ideas in his head that I'm unfair to expect him to behave like an equal adult in this house and not expect me to clean up after him. This doesn't feel good. I can see that they are coming between us and I'm upset that he is happy to continue his close friendship with someone he describes as a mysoginist himself!

Am I right to be concerned about this "friendship" group that he clearly values so much? What can I do or expect from him moving forward?

OP posts:
abitsurprised · 17/04/2023 09:56

When I met dh he had a childhood friend that was like that, he saw I was offended and he didn't see him again. That's not control, it's respect.

readbooksdrinktea · 17/04/2023 09:59

HarpendenHarpendenHarpenden · 17/04/2023 09:37

I'm not misogynistic. I'm a woman who is not especially tidy myself and if someone sent me photos of my crimes, I'd be telling my friends who would undoubtedly laugh too.

I'm sorry, OP but this is genuinely ridiculous. You just happen to like things a particular way. It's not soul destroying to not get your own way all the time. And as for what you should do about your partner being friends with other people, you should keep your beak out and find something else to do with your life.

👏

ladycardamom · 17/04/2023 10:23

What's that saying? You're only as good as the three people you're closest with?

Codlingmoths · 17/04/2023 10:27

brunettemic · 17/04/2023 09:39

I never do any ironing at all and expect DH to do it all because it’s his job. He was away last weekend and I still didn’t do it. What does that make me in your opinion OP?

Nowhere has the op implied she doesn’t pull her weight, or that they are ‘her’ jobs she’s mad he’s not doing. Question for you- do you tromp dirty boots into the house, scatter/drip mud over the carpet, then blame your partner? Do they cook, and you refuse to cook or clean up ever? Do you leave skid marks in the toilet but refuse to clean it? Do you dump youR bag contents and dirty food containers on the dining table and leave it for days?

baileys6904 · 17/04/2023 10:30

What the actual fuck?? 😂

Apparently I fall into the misogynistic guardian cos I think photographs are Passive aggressive as fuck, but why on earth are you choosing to take it on?

If you're going to choose to do something like wash up on his turn, or make tea, don't complain afterwards its your choice. Don't do it if it offends you so much. You're enabling the behaviour.

Original poster
Roastpotatoey · 17/04/2023 11:00

brunettemic · 17/04/2023 09:39

I never do any ironing at all and expect DH to do it all because it’s his job. He was away last weekend and I still didn’t do it. What does that make me in your opinion OP?

I don't iron either...
Neither does he.
I'm fine with it!
🤦‍♀️

Leaving mouldering food in the sink isn't exactly an optional task, hardly comparable...

OP posts:
Original poster
Roastpotatoey · 17/04/2023 11:02

Codlingmoths · 17/04/2023 10:27

Nowhere has the op implied she doesn’t pull her weight, or that they are ‘her’ jobs she’s mad he’s not doing. Question for you- do you tromp dirty boots into the house, scatter/drip mud over the carpet, then blame your partner? Do they cook, and you refuse to cook or clean up ever? Do you leave skid marks in the toilet but refuse to clean it? Do you dump youR bag contents and dirty food containers on the dining table and leave it for days?

Show quote history

Exactly the sort of things I'm talking about here @Codlingmoths .

I'm shocked by the ingrained mysoginy in this thread.

OP posts:
Acornsoup · 17/04/2023 11:22

Why would he show his friends the pictures?

It really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks anyway. If he's taking you for granted it's not funny. You could just leave it for him to sort it out?

People don't usually change what they do, the only thing you can change is how you react to it. It seems like he really doesn't care about the issues you have mentioned. Usually the response is 'you just have to tell me what you want me to do (to carry my own load in this relationship)' but he's made it clear he doesn't care.

He is also trying to tell you what he expects from you 'all my friends wives...' You can put up with it, ignore it or walk away. My guess is this is part of/or the start of a bigger issue. Good luck OP you deserve better

MoonbeamsGlittering · 17/04/2023 11:42

I'm a man (in case that's relevant) and I think sending the occasional photo like that is a reasonable thing for you to do. I pull my weight in our household, but we each have areas where we're stronger or weaker. For example, I'm better at rolling out of bed at 4am to deal with a kid who won't go back to sleep, so I do most of that. I am genuinely not good at "seeing" mess sometimes. I try to be aware of it but sometimes it just doesn't register on my radar. (I'm aware that perhaps society has allowed me to get away with being like this.) I'm not totally messy or oblivious, but I do miss things. If my wife sent me photos then I think that would be understandable.

I don't think he should stop seeing these friends or anything like that, but I do think he should demonstrate that he "has your back" and will object to them badmouthing you. Or if he has decided that he really doesn't like the photos then he can make dedicated time to have a conversation with you and agree an alternative way to deal with these situations, in a way that you're both satisfied with.

Humanswarm · 17/04/2023 12:04

@Roastpotatoey I have read all you've written actually and, my opinion remains sorry. You want validation for being the poor woe is me wife, whose husband does nothing to help, so you slander his friends and infantilise him by sending him photos of his misdemeanours and wonder why you can no longer communicate??
My point was, all along, your husbands friends are seriously not the issue here. The issue is a blatant breakdown of communication. Whose fault that is? Probably 50/50.
This has nothing to do with misogyny however...you chose the wrong man to be with, clearly. And frankly I am sick of terms like misogyny or narcissism being bandied around as excuses for fucked relationships.
If you can't seriously communicate in a mature way...clearly..leave the bastard..that's the answer you wanted, along with the sympathy, when you posted wasn't it?

greenlychee · 17/04/2023 12:10

I think it depends on what else he does around the house, if he cleans up the same amount as you but sometimes takes his hands off the wheel and things get a bit messy fair enough. I couldn't deal with a complete control freak myself.

If he's not pulling his weight in the same way as you then I guess you've a right to be angry.

You need to get some rotas in place or have a dedicated "tidying up" hour you do together every evening.

To expect the sink to stay 100 percent free of washing up all the time is I think unreasonable and control freaky. Provided it is getting cleaned on a regular basis that's fair enough.

JuneShitfield · 17/04/2023 12:17

I think more than one thing can be true at the same time.

Clearly there is misogyny at play here (with your husband and his friends; not sure I'm seeing it on this thread). But you can't control that. You can control your reaction to it — don't spend time with those friends/speak up/let it lie/leave/divorce/etc.

But I think it's also apparent that your communication as a couple has broken down to a degree, and you're both playing a bit of a game of Wars of the Roses against each other.

brunettemic · 17/04/2023 12:25

Codlingmoths · 17/04/2023 10:27

Nowhere has the op implied she doesn’t pull her weight, or that they are ‘her’ jobs she’s mad he’s not doing. Question for you- do you tromp dirty boots into the house, scatter/drip mud over the carpet, then blame your partner? Do they cook, and you refuse to cook or clean up ever? Do you leave skid marks in the toilet but refuse to clean it? Do you dump youR bag contents and dirty food containers on the dining table and leave it for days?

Show quote history

Nowhere have I implied that, get a grip. That’s not the issue anyway, their utter lack of ability to communicate beyond childish passive aggressive nonsense, leading to a desire to control friendships is the problem. If you treat him like a child, he’s going to act like one.

Have a conversation like a rational adult, agree on who does what, and compromise if needed - he may need to accept he has to do more, she may need to accept his standards even if he did more are a bit lower.

jannier · 17/04/2023 12:29

Roastpotatoey · 16/04/2023 23:15

Before you make judgements, I've explained very clearly upthread why the photos.

Id much rather have a conversation.

Show quote history

What happens if you leave the mess get yourself a take out if need be and say I can't cook in that mess, I can't do washing becouse

Sloth66 · 17/04/2023 13:50

Your photos haven’t achieved anything. I’d say he’s using friends to justify what he already intends to do- or not.
either way, he obviously doesn’t care enough to change.

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