Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband's admission that his friend is a mysoginist

66 replies

Roastpotatoey · 16/04/2023 22:53

I recently fell out with my husband about the division of labour at home. This is because I will sometimes send him photographs of the shitty work he creates for me when he dumps things and doesn't put them away or leaves food mouldering away in the sink after washing up. I thought the visuals might help change his behaviour! Most of the women I know just put up with this sort of thing for fear of creating arguments, I'm not like this at all.

However, he has recently shared these images with his friends who are apparently mortified that I sometimes send him photographs of his sloppy ways. He probably gets 1 photo a fortnight maximum- this certainly isn't a daily or even weekly thing! I send the photo, he adjust his behaviour for a short time and we move on, or atleast I thought we did. There is no need to argue about it- he gets the picture and I share my frustration clearly "this is soul destroying having to clear this corner again today." He then clears the corner and we continue our lives. Im also certainly not a perfectionist at all when it comes to housekeeping he is just generally quite sloppy.

He has since told me that none of his friends wives do this or even challenge his friends about his sort of thing. I believe him. This does not surprise me at all and I have accused his friendship group of being arrogant mysoginists. He argued that they weren't, that only one of them is a mysoginist- the guy he happens to spend most of his time with and gives him the most advice. He also happens to be a cheating scumbag whose wife never stands up to him. My husband thinks his wife is "nice" because she's ao compliant but she's actually a doormat.

I will not be his doormat.

I barely know this friendship group. I have been out with them a few times in 10 years but my husband has regularly told me "you wouldn't like them."
I can now see why.

Also, I really don't know how I feel about him spending time with a man who is clearly, by his admission, a "mysoginist."

This friendship group are putting ideas in his head that I'm unfair to expect him to behave like an equal adult in this house and not expect me to clean up after him. This doesn't feel good. I can see that they are coming between us and I'm upset that he is happy to continue his close friendship with someone he describes as a mysoginist himself!

Am I right to be concerned about this "friendship" group that he clearly values so much? What can I do or expect from him moving forward?

OP posts:
peanutbutterkid · 17/04/2023 07:44

He doesn't meet your standards and you can't change him: LTB.

Honestly OP, what did you expect? How you treat your H is a reason I'm divorcing my H. I'll never meet his standards & I'm bored with the passive aggressiveness. So good luck with that. I suppose the right person is out there for you, somewhere.

readbooksdrinktea · 17/04/2023 07:48

The photos are passive aggressive as all hell. I wouldn't react well to that either.

SunflowerTed · 17/04/2023 07:51

Roastpotatoey · 16/04/2023 22:53

I recently fell out with my husband about the division of labour at home. This is because I will sometimes send him photographs of the shitty work he creates for me when he dumps things and doesn't put them away or leaves food mouldering away in the sink after washing up. I thought the visuals might help change his behaviour! Most of the women I know just put up with this sort of thing for fear of creating arguments, I'm not like this at all.

However, he has recently shared these images with his friends who are apparently mortified that I sometimes send him photographs of his sloppy ways. He probably gets 1 photo a fortnight maximum- this certainly isn't a daily or even weekly thing! I send the photo, he adjust his behaviour for a short time and we move on, or atleast I thought we did. There is no need to argue about it- he gets the picture and I share my frustration clearly "this is soul destroying having to clear this corner again today." He then clears the corner and we continue our lives. Im also certainly not a perfectionist at all when it comes to housekeeping he is just generally quite sloppy.

He has since told me that none of his friends wives do this or even challenge his friends about his sort of thing. I believe him. This does not surprise me at all and I have accused his friendship group of being arrogant mysoginists. He argued that they weren't, that only one of them is a mysoginist- the guy he happens to spend most of his time with and gives him the most advice. He also happens to be a cheating scumbag whose wife never stands up to him. My husband thinks his wife is "nice" because she's ao compliant but she's actually a doormat.

I will not be his doormat.

I barely know this friendship group. I have been out with them a few times in 10 years but my husband has regularly told me "you wouldn't like them."
I can now see why.

Also, I really don't know how I feel about him spending time with a man who is clearly, by his admission, a "mysoginist."

This friendship group are putting ideas in his head that I'm unfair to expect him to behave like an equal adult in this house and not expect me to clean up after him. This doesn't feel good. I can see that they are coming between us and I'm upset that he is happy to continue his close friendship with someone he describes as a mysoginist himself!

Am I right to be concerned about this "friendship" group that he clearly values so much? What can I do or expect from him moving forward?

How old are you?!!! This all seems very immature

Flowersintheattic57 · 17/04/2023 07:52

The photos seem to work as it’s a visual reminder and evidence of his slovenly ways and results in him picking up the mess.
Also who wants to have that conversation again? If it works for the op, carry on.
Ignore the friends if your not hanging out with them.

Sparklfairy · 17/04/2023 07:53

I like the photo idea tbh. It depends on both your personalities though, that would really rub some people up the wrong way and trigger the 'you're being controlling' comments all over this very thread, but sometimes a visual is the only way to get through.

One could argue he's being controlling and passive aggressive - forcing you to live in his mess, or forcing you to clear up. You've already tried talking to him and get told you're nagging so you haven't many places left to go!

I will say though, that toxic misogynist male friendships can ruin relationships. Especially if there's one friend who is the Andrew Tate of the group and gets away with the shit he pulls. It influences the others, because they want to get away with shitty behaviour like naughty children too. It's a bit juvenile and pathetic tbh.

Duckingella · 17/04/2023 07:53

Okay so the photos are probably abit much however you shouldn't be cleaning up after him;I have a husband who thinks it's my job to clean up after him but I'm slowly bridging by gap bit by bit by putting boundaries in place.

His friendship group is another issue;they should like awful human beings.

TimeForMeToF1y · 17/04/2023 07:57

Busybutbored · 17/04/2023 05:50

His friends should be mortified your H is such a pig that you have to send pics. His friends also sound like pigs, lucky them that their wives pick up after them.
In saying that the picture thing, probably best to have a conversation with him and maybe draw up a roster if he's incapable of helping. Or leave his mess for him to tidy up.

Why would the friends be embarrassed? That would be a bit odd wouldn't it, they aren't responsible for his behaviour. Sure the husband should be embarrassed and maybe will be once this hits the media, this is so ripe for being picked up

Windblownwife · 17/04/2023 08:05

DiastasisRectiSucks · 16/04/2023 23:00

I think he is using his pals as scapegoats to redirect your ire…

The problem is your husband.

He’s making the messes because he doesn’t care.
He doesn’t give a flying fuck about inconveniencing you until you start mildly annoying him about it.
He is complaining to his friends about what an unreasonable bitch you are.
He is deliberately letting you know he admires his friends doormat wife to send you a message.
He is deliberately trying to make you feel uncomfortable and unreasonable by telling you all his mates have normal wives and think you’re awful.

He’s telling you who HE actually is and why he chose mates like those. It’s him, he’s a misogynist.

Also, this will be hard to hear but you’re already taking his shit by accepting that the clean up your mess text is just a regular fortnightly thing for the rest of time. 💐

Oh my god what a lot of assumptions you're making! You've heard one side of one story and decided all that?!

Windblownwife · 17/04/2023 08:07

ToBeOrNotToBee · 17/04/2023 06:36

If a fella sent me photos of things I'd done 'wrong' I'd be calling him an abusive prick, and my friends would have stronger opinions, can guarantee it.

I'd sit down with him, politely, and work on your mutual respect and communication.

This

Peapodburgundybouquet · 17/04/2023 08:10

I’d invite him to fuck off and live the life of a lonely old misogynist if he wishes. But you will not be facilitating his manbaby ways anymore.

His continuous acts of disrespect are wearing, and if he wants to take the advice of his horrible sexist friend, over the hurt of his wife, then that’s his lookout. But he can do it alone.

ReadtheReviews · 17/04/2023 08:21

If one of you is messy and one neat, you have to meet in the middle not spend your time dragging him up to your standards. It's becoming his mother. As would policing his friendships.

JuneShitfield · 17/04/2023 08:34

I don’t think you’re wrong to be annoyed at mess etc but it sounds to me like you’ve both lost the ability to communicate effectively and in a productive way.

You're both trying to crowdsource support for your position; him by showing his friend(s), you by posting this on MN.

You can’t navigate conflict by getting others involved.

His friend is a red herring. It’s shit that his best mate is a misogynist. But it’s also entirely outside your control, and has nothing to do with the internal dialogue of your marriage.

CanofCant · 17/04/2023 08:57

He's just as misogynistic as his friends and you're getting the shitty end of the stick in the same way you imagine their wives are.

brunettemic · 17/04/2023 09:04

Well given some of the ideas and views people out with on here about men how is it any different? If DH sent me a pic of something I had done then I’d tell him where to go. Worse still if he was trying to control who my friends are we’d being having more than a few words. Sorry to break it to you but we’re all different around our friends. I’ve got a friend who is, let’s say, not a relationship person and likes to have her fun but that doesn’t mean I’m the same.

Frith2013 · 17/04/2023 09:06

"soul destroying" 😂

ZeroFuchsGiven · 17/04/2023 09:06

readbooksdrinktea · 17/04/2023 07:48

The photos are passive aggressive as all hell. I wouldn't react well to that either.

This!

I am pretty sure if my Partner was doing this and I told my friends they would also be mortified and assure me their partners did not behave this way.

GanjaDhin · 17/04/2023 09:07

DiastasisRectiSucks · 16/04/2023 23:00

I think he is using his pals as scapegoats to redirect your ire…

The problem is your husband.

He’s making the messes because he doesn’t care.
He doesn’t give a flying fuck about inconveniencing you until you start mildly annoying him about it.
He is complaining to his friends about what an unreasonable bitch you are.
He is deliberately letting you know he admires his friends doormat wife to send you a message.
He is deliberately trying to make you feel uncomfortable and unreasonable by telling you all his mates have normal wives and think you’re awful.

He’s telling you who HE actually is and why he chose mates like those. It’s him, he’s a misogynist.

Also, this will be hard to hear but you’re already taking his shit by accepting that the clean up your mess text is just a regular fortnightly thing for the rest of time. 💐

This!!

Original poster
Roastpotatoey · 17/04/2023 09:13

Humanswarm · 17/04/2023 07:22

@ToBeOrNotToBee thank you. Exactly what I was trying to communicate.
Those saying it's okay to take photos, possibly once, but OP states she does this possibly once a fortnight. If my partner took photos, because I hadn't completed the ironing or last night's tea dishes, I'd sure as hell message my friends and tell them. And they'd sure as hell tell me that was controlling and abusive.
If OP you want a conversation, as you state, then maybe stop the passive aggressive way in which you're attempting to do so.
Stop worrying about what's going on in his friends live's and households, and think about ways to communicate more effectively.

Again, you have not acknowledged my explanation about how these conversations with him do not work. You're banging the drum over and over and not paying any attention to what I'm saying.

OP posts:
Original poster
Roastpotatoey · 17/04/2023 09:20

Thank you for understanding my take on this @Peapodburgundybouquet. I'm shocked at how dismissive some posters have been about these repeated bouts of disrespect after so many conversations which he refuses to have with me.

I can see I am banging my head against a brick wall here trying to explain. This is why the domestic imbalance continues, because men can choose to ignore and disrespect their wives and if their wife dares ramp up the communication methods through visual evidence- well then, she's abusive. Awful. This is why nothing changes. It is not the same as a man sharing images with a woman at all. How many women do we know that take advantage of their husband's time by laying on increasing domestic demands? They don't.

This thread is full of guardians of mysoginy, fully supporting men who sabotage and willingly dismiss and disrespect women in the home. What are women supposed to do? Keep banging the same old drum over and over but keep on being blatantly ignored?

What a load of rubbish.

OP posts:
Frith2013 · 17/04/2023 09:30

Have you thought about stopping the hyperbole and getting a divorce?

Codlingmoths · 17/04/2023 09:33

I don’t know if you can fix someone like that. You can’t fix people at all, they can only fix themselves, and he doesn’t want to. He doesn’t care enough about you to treat you like someone who matters instead of a skivvy.

there was a long running thread of a woman whose husband had a misogynistic arsehole of a friend and then in one conversation she realised he thought much the same way, and as she worked through realising the relationship was done , it became clear to her that actually her husband was a total complete arsehole himself and she’d always just covered for him and forgiven him because of course he really loved her, hed said that to her and married her. But he didn’t.

HarpendenHarpendenHarpenden · 17/04/2023 09:37

I'm not misogynistic. I'm a woman who is not especially tidy myself and if someone sent me photos of my crimes, I'd be telling my friends who would undoubtedly laugh too.

I'm sorry, OP but this is genuinely ridiculous. You just happen to like things a particular way. It's not soul destroying to not get your own way all the time. And as for what you should do about your partner being friends with other people, you should keep your beak out and find something else to do with your life.

brunettemic · 17/04/2023 09:38

HarpendenHarpendenHarpenden · 17/04/2023 09:37

I'm not misogynistic. I'm a woman who is not especially tidy myself and if someone sent me photos of my crimes, I'd be telling my friends who would undoubtedly laugh too.

I'm sorry, OP but this is genuinely ridiculous. You just happen to like things a particular way. It's not soul destroying to not get your own way all the time. And as for what you should do about your partner being friends with other people, you should keep your beak out and find something else to do with your life.

Nailed it.

brunettemic · 17/04/2023 09:39

I never do any ironing at all and expect DH to do it all because it’s his job. He was away last weekend and I still didn’t do it. What does that make me in your opinion OP?

OhTinyBear · 17/04/2023 09:54

Roastpotatoey · 17/04/2023 09:20

Thank you for understanding my take on this @Peapodburgundybouquet. I'm shocked at how dismissive some posters have been about these repeated bouts of disrespect after so many conversations which he refuses to have with me.

I can see I am banging my head against a brick wall here trying to explain. This is why the domestic imbalance continues, because men can choose to ignore and disrespect their wives and if their wife dares ramp up the communication methods through visual evidence- well then, she's abusive. Awful. This is why nothing changes. It is not the same as a man sharing images with a woman at all. How many women do we know that take advantage of their husband's time by laying on increasing domestic demands? They don't.

This thread is full of guardians of mysoginy, fully supporting men who sabotage and willingly dismiss and disrespect women in the home. What are women supposed to do? Keep banging the same old drum over and over but keep on being blatantly ignored?

What a load of rubbish.

I’m with you OP. I’ve chosen to stay single instead of partner up again, in no small part because I’m sick of being expected to accept being treated like a skivvy or lower my own (not even especially high!) standards about housework etc. just to keep a man happy.

But as some of the responses you’ve got here show, you’re going to be a pariah if you don’t keep quiet and suck up your H’s shitty attitude, clearly you’re totally unreasonable not to want to tidy up after a grown man all the time - and you’re even going to be abusive if you challenge it.

Some people will genuinely believe that you’re obviously being massively unreasonable for not wanting shit left everywhere. How dare you expect a fully grown adult human being to put a cup in the sink himself when he can just leave it on the floor or table for you to put in the sink for him? Other women are fine being housemaids in their own homes, so why aren’t you? Clearly you’re the problem here.

The thing about misogyny is that once you see it, once you see how deeply embedded it is in society, you can’t unsee it. So if you’ve seen it, you’ve then got to choose to live under it, or to live away from it as best you can. You’ll never escape it completely, but you don’t have to share a house with it or have it round for dinner.