When is the right time scale to move BF in when you already have children from previous relationship?

[Sugarandspicee]

Off the back of other current threads at the moment. Generally curious at what time scale is advised to have your partner move into your home with your children from previous relationship?

But why does 'being on your own' have to equal unhappy?

So many people are desperately unhappy in relationships. Having lived by myself before meeting my DH, I can honestly say I do not fear it, in fact I'm very nostalgic about that time.

But some people like being on their own so this makes no sense. And there is a middle ground between being sad and lonely and imposing a new partner on your children. It's not either/or.

My stepdad moved in with my mum and I after they had been going out for 3 years. I was 9 and had no issues with it at all. 30 years on and they're still together, my toddler adores him.

I'm a single mum, I date when I want to, I tend to go for very casual things because I don't want a relationship. But there's nothing wrong with having relationships. I just think it should be kept away from the children and that their wishes and feelings should be paramount.

As for credentials I’m a stepchild and work in an area where I see this play out all the time, sadly

Sadly a lot of people have this view because statistically, a new male partner in the home is one of the highest risk factors for harm to a child

My son was 17 and almost ready to move out for university.

For me that’s not something I’ve given undue consideration to. I just don’t see why my teen children should have someone move into our house and change the balance and tranquility of the house. Why do they want someone else in their house? Whilst they would get used to it. It’s not going to be their choice and why should they get used to something they haven’t chosen when they’re perfectly happy as they are? As I said earlier, they have a great relationship with my partner and they like it when he’s here. They just also like us having our space

It really depends. I've been with dp 3 years, we've hung out at weekends with them and gone on holidays. we tried a move in but one of our girls was having a terrible time with MH so we put the breaks on. Since then my dd is struggling in school, so it's very unlikely to happen for a long time. It really depends on the age (younger is easier) and temperament of the kids and the adults involved from my perspective. I wouldn't do it before blending a lot on weekends etc beforehand to see job everyone gets on.

@Sugarandspicee Honestly no I wasn't nervous, because we'd known each other for a long time and spent loads of time together. I know the common thing is to move in before getting married as a "test drive" but that wouldn't work for our circumstances and I wanted the security of marriage before living together.

I personally wouldn't ever move a new relationship in with my children. My brother and I had a traumatic childhood as the result of our piss poor choices and it's not something I could ever risk. However if you ask my mum she'd still say she made all the right decisions.

Only you know your situation, just make sure you really look at how things affect your children, not what suits your plans.

I would say, don't do anything irreversible. Don't make yourself financially reliant on him in any way, so if the need arises you aren't stuck. Could you still manage that if you had another DC and needed to separate?

I wouldn’t move a new partner in with my DDs (theoretical Q as DH and I are still together).

My parents split when I was a toddler. My mum dated a lot, mostly short term, but she went out with one guy that we were really worried she would marry. We hated him, but she was completely besotted. We would never have said anything to her. When they split up we were so relieved. I’d have been maybe 8/9 at the time, with 2 older siblings.

She did eventually move a boyfriend in when I was 15/16, and later married him - perfectly nice guy and we have a good relationship even now they are divorced.

But the fact she came so close to shacking up with a horrible man still disturbs me. How can she have been so blind? She’d have said that we should have told her, but we didn’t want to spoil her happiness.

I couldn’t take the risk that my DDs would be unhappy and not tell me, when it would be just as easy to live apart - in fact, I don’t think I’d want to move in with another man if DH and I split, I don’t see how it would benefit me!

@OneHitWonder40 I think you've raised an interesting point (unintentionally) by suggesting being single once the kids have flown the nest is a bad thing. Plenty of people can find happiness and fulfilment from life whilst single. Once my DC has flown the nest I'm planning on doing a big American thru hike and then moving to London where there are more opportunities in my field. Yes, I'll open the door to romance again, but it's not what excites me about the empy nearer phase of life. Quite frankly, a relationship would tie me down.

This.
In theory it sounds great. Happy families and all that.

I can't imagine living with another man.
The burden of the extra work and loss of freedom for minimal benefit. dealing with their bad habits, possible sex pest, lazy.

Why would I want someone living with me that I would have to do the lion's share of the work for?

No way.

The trick is meeting a man who isn’t a nob. Do you genuinely think that’s what living with a man is supposed to be like? I live with one! He’s great. Does more than his fair share of the housework, is an amazing dad, is an amazing husband, goes out of his way to make us all very happy.

It really depends on the age of the children and how they feel about it but agree with many posters when they say "once the children leave home".

I'm another one who says never. I may be biased as I experienced abuse from one step parent. Even the other non abusive step parent has made me feel like I'm an inconvenience - without I think meaning too. If you plan to have more children then it makes the situation even more complicated. Both my parents would have claimed I was happy growing up and had a great relationship with with step parents.

There is no blanket "right time", more best time for individual couples.

Personally, I'd never live with another man again if we split up. Not saying I'd stay single, but I'd keep things separate.

This is just my own decision and I don't and wouldn't judge others.

Very refreshing to read. A positive take on “empty nest syndrome”. So many women seem desperate to jump into a new, committed relationship and to drag their children along, too. I like your ambivalence towards romance.

As for posters saying: well, my new partner’s great/my stepdad’s lovely - good for you. Perhaps you’re the lucky ones. But this very often isn’t the case. And maybe your children will tell you otherwise when they’re older. Introducing a non-biological male into your home can be damaging for children and teenagers, particularly if he’s never shown controlling or abusive tendencies until that point.

I’d keep my children out of my love life. They have nothing to do with it.

Must be a rare gem indeed.

My 60 years on this planet haven't seen it.

They're not rare at all @emptythelitterbox there are a lot of fantastic husbands and fathers out there. What a weird statement. Clearly you've been looking in the wrong places!

I'm pretty sure there's been lots of studies done that show the division of unpaid household labour between men and women is really unequal.