Page 5 | When is the right time scale to move BF in when you already have children from previous relationship?

Sugarandspicee · 2023-04-16T15:04:08+00:00

Off the back of other current threads at the moment. Generally curious at what time scale is advised to have your partner move into your home with your children from previous relationship?

Secondbirthwhathappened · 16/04/2023 19:37

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 16/04/2023 19:35

Your argument doesn't stand up I'm afraid. Start a thread "What do you think of your mother in law?" or "Have your children been diagnosed with anything?" and you'll get a good mix of responses. Look at any thread titled something like "What was it like growing up in a blended family?" and it's overwhelming misery.

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Think about it though. When a step parent moves in - you’re being forced to live with somebody you have zero ties to by blood, and they’re not there because you like them, just because your parent does. They’re basically a stranger that you’ve spent a few weekends with in a ‘Disney’ way, and now you have to spend every second with them. It is really believable that in the majority of cases the children don’t feel comfortable in their own home (at best) or actively dislike them for some reason (at worst).

Original poster

Sugarandspicee · 16/04/2023 19:40

Secondbirthwhathappened · 16/04/2023 19:28

‘You need to think about your own happiness’

If it we’re me the last thing I would want after one failed ‘settled down’ relationship would be another one! Why move them in and do the domestic shit all over again? I would enjoy dating them for years, doing nice things and not picking their pants up. I really don’t understand what is so great about living with someone unless you have kids together or aim to do that.

Haha I do get this completely hence why I don't feel the rush. My ex husband was abit of a man child so wasn't all that fun running around after him. I'm enjoying getting to know my new partner and not having any heavy stuff yet but I would like to settle down in a few years and have another child so would be the end goal. Hopefully this one picks up his own bloody underwear or he's out lol!

OP posts:

springhas · 16/04/2023 19:40

Secondbirthwhathappened · 16/04/2023 19:37

Think about it though. When a step parent moves in - you’re being forced to live with somebody you have zero ties to by blood, and they’re not there because you like them, just because your parent does. They’re basically a stranger that you’ve spent a few weekends with in a ‘Disney’ way, and now you have to spend every second with them. It is really believable that in the majority of cases the children don’t feel comfortable in their own home (at best) or actively dislike them for some reason (at worst).

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I totally agree. This is why I can’t get my head around. I lived with a step parent and never felt completely comfortable unconditional love and freedom and relaxation in my own home. I wouldn’t do it to my children. It can’t possibly enhance their lives, and they’re my priority

PetitPorpoise · 16/04/2023 19:42

I honestly think I never would. It's not fair.

NessVan · 16/04/2023 19:42

Secondbirthwhathappened · 16/04/2023 19:37

Think about it though. When a step parent moves in - you’re being forced to live with somebody you have zero ties to by blood, and they’re not there because you like them, just because your parent does. They’re basically a stranger that you’ve spent a few weekends with in a ‘Disney’ way, and now you have to spend every second with them. It is really believable that in the majority of cases the children don’t feel comfortable in their own home (at best) or actively dislike them for some reason (at worst).

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I think most parents would have the common decency to have this conversation with their children and let them take some lead and have their opinion on it. Any child of talking age is able to tell whether they like something or not. And go from there.
Blended families can be as happy as blood families. I'm some cases the monsters under your roof are the biological ones...

Why not strive to be happy if you can? in a safe and responsible way.

SlippySarah · 16/04/2023 19:42

OneHitWonder40 · 16/04/2023 19:26

You’re asking this question on MN. You’re very brave! I got a load of abusive on here for getting a place with my DP after 1.5yrs together. Apparently that was far too soon (frown, frown, frown)

The answer to that is, whenever you feel ready. Yes our children come first and you protect them all you can, but you also can’t wrap them in cotton wool forever. You also need to think about your own happiness.

The saying "you can't wrap them up in cotton wool forever" refers to letting DC have independence and allowing them to learn from their own mistakes. I don't think it's fair to say that not moving a virtual stranger into their home and violating their safe space is "wrapping them up in cotton wool"

MatchsticksForMyEyesReturns · 16/04/2023 19:43

Secondbirthwhathappened · 16/04/2023 16:33

When the youngest has turned 16 (yes really)

That's my plan. We have been together nearly 10 years. I have 2 DC and he has 1. I have no desire to have us all live together. I already know we have different things that annoy us, so best to wait another 3 years until my youngest is 16.

Zanatdy · 16/04/2023 19:43

My friend had a step dad from age 14 and it wasn’t until she was getting married in her early 30’s he tried something on. Her mother doesn’t know. She’s just very careful of this guy around her kids.

DisneyPrincesss · 16/04/2023 19:48

You're all using similar language.

Some bloke
Virtual stranger
Basically a stranger
Barely know them

How many of you have actually gone through this with your families? None of those terms ring true for me.

Secondbirthwhathappened · 16/04/2023 19:53

NessVan · 16/04/2023 19:42

I think most parents would have the common decency to have this conversation with their children and let them take some lead and have their opinion on it. Any child of talking age is able to tell whether they like something or not. And go from there.
Blended families can be as happy as blood families. I'm some cases the monsters under your roof are the biological ones...

Why not strive to be happy if you can? in a safe and responsible way.

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But in many cases they won’t say they don’t like them because it’s awkward and they don’t want to spoil their parents new happiness.

Or they genuinely do like them at first, because the man makes an effort to ‘groom’ them all. Children are quite easily bought with treats and presents (less so teens).

i don’t think the majority of parents ask their kids if they can move the partner in, they just do it.

ItsALongWayToTheTop · 16/04/2023 19:58

My DH who has 2 DC from his previous marriage (I was not the OW) waited 2.5 years before we moved in together - 10 years later and both my DSC now live with us full time and don't see their Mum at all - aged 18 & 19 now.

Blsp · 16/04/2023 19:59

MatchsticksForMyEyesReturns · 16/04/2023 19:43

That's my plan. We have been together nearly 10 years. I have 2 DC and he has 1. I have no desire to have us all live together. I already know we have different things that annoy us, so best to wait another 3 years until my youngest is 16.

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Won't it be harder moving in with a 16 year old than younger?

I believe the average age to leave home is 23.

40% of marriages ending in divorce. Kids moving out at age 23 on average. Lots of people putting their own happiness on hold for an awful long time.

NessVan · 16/04/2023 20:01

Secondbirthwhathappened · 16/04/2023 19:53

But in many cases they won’t say they don’t like them because it’s awkward and they don’t want to spoil their parents new happiness.

Or they genuinely do like them at first, because the man makes an effort to ‘groom’ them all. Children are quite easily bought with treats and presents (less so teens).

i don’t think the majority of parents ask their kids if they can move the partner in, they just do it.

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So are we to be suspicious of every person that are nice to the kids incase of "grooming". That's a bit vile. And a real insult to any good parent or successful step parent.

My children are small and they would most definitely not sugar coat their likes and dislikes, and I have enough sense to tell them not to say anything to keep me happy lol

This forum is a dark place and a lot of unhappy people projecting on others trying to be happy.

Secondbirthwhathappened · 16/04/2023 20:03

There’s ‘being nice’ then there’s moving in with them isn’t there?

DRS1970 · 16/04/2023 20:05

I would say 2 years personally, if I had to put a number to it.

DisneyPrincesss · 16/04/2023 20:07

NessVan · 16/04/2023 20:01

So are we to be suspicious of every person that are nice to the kids incase of "grooming". That's a bit vile. And a real insult to any good parent or successful step parent.

My children are small and they would most definitely not sugar coat their likes and dislikes, and I have enough sense to tell them not to say anything to keep me happy lol

This forum is a dark place and a lot of unhappy people projecting on others trying to be happy.

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Get more and more extreme to prove their points.

Anyone with any sense knows that there are good and bad outcomes from blending families. Same as having a family in the first place. Same as literally anything else we do in our lives. Those who claim otherwise, that no good outcomes exist, kind men are all groomers, stepfathers are all abusers in waiting, all stepkids are miserable, are wrong. They probably know they're wrong. But admitting that won't further their point.

I'd love to know how many of them have actual experience and how many just think their opinions are so important everyone needs to hear it.

PetitPorpoise · 16/04/2023 20:08

So are we to be suspicious of every person that are nice to the kids incase of "grooming". That's a bit vile. And a real insult to any good parent or successful step parent.

Well, not everyone who is nice to children is trying to get close to them for the wrong reasons.

But everyone who wants to get close to children for the wrong reasons is nice to them.

If abusers had it tattooed on their forehead there would be no abuse. They are master manipulators.

mycatsanutter · 16/04/2023 20:14

We waited 5 years and had a child together 3 years after that . I had to be as sure as possible that this relationship was for keeps , not fair on the kids otherwise

CornishGem1975 · 16/04/2023 20:20

DisneyPrincesss · 16/04/2023 19:48

You're all using similar language.

Some bloke
Virtual stranger
Basically a stranger
Barely know them

How many of you have actually gone through this with your families? None of those terms ring true for me.

Quite.

We moved in together after 6 months in an "official" relationship. We'd known each other for 25 years.

Soopermum1 · 16/04/2023 20:24

My ex's girlfriend moved him in about 1-1.5 years into their relationship, with his domestic abuse record and all that. He recently assaulted my DD when picking her up for her fortnightly visit that she didn't want to go on. She should be worrying whether he'll do the same to her very vulnerable DS, but that doesn't appear to be the case. In the meantime, I'm keeping my DD safe.

NessVan · 16/04/2023 20:24

DisneyPrincesss · 16/04/2023 20:07

Get more and more extreme to prove their points.

Anyone with any sense knows that there are good and bad outcomes from blending families. Same as having a family in the first place. Same as literally anything else we do in our lives. Those who claim otherwise, that no good outcomes exist, kind men are all groomers, stepfathers are all abusers in waiting, all stepkids are miserable, are wrong. They probably know they're wrong. But admitting that won't further their point.

I'd love to know how many of them have actual experience and how many just think their opinions are so important everyone needs to hear it.

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Yeah this.

I seen a lovely post from a lovely woman just craving advice and guidance on this forum and the trolls ripped her to shreds for something that wasn't even the issue. The poor woman left the thread.

Robinkitty · 16/04/2023 20:30

Ex H moved his girlfriend in 3 months after he left me.
personally I wouldn’t even consider it until the youngest is much older (late teen) and the older ones have moved out.

YungDumbThrills · 16/04/2023 20:40

In my exes case, 6 weeks after he walked out on us. And she has kids too. No chance I'd have anyone move in with us until I knew them well enough!

OneHitWonder40 · 16/04/2023 20:40

Ok I read a post once and the person was absolutely spot on with what they said.
You can put off your own happiness for years and years until your kids grow up. Then once they leave home…..boom! You’re all on your own. Your ‘kids’ are busy making their own lives and you are completely on your own.
but at least you’ve raised your kids keeping them away from ‘abusive’ step dads (according to MN)!

mindutopia · 16/04/2023 20:41

Dh and i didn’t move in together before we’d been together for 3 years (no previous dc).

My mum divorced my dad when I was 10 and didn’t start dating until I was 16. She didn’t move anyone in until I was about 25 (and no longer living at home). I’m incredibly grateful for this because her choice in men is absolutely abysmal. The guy she dated in the 70s before she met my dad literally tried to kidnap her. 😳 My dad was an arsehole and our family life together was not a happy one. The guy she met when I was 16 had massive damage as his wife had cheated on him and taken up with a (female) friend. And then she finally married a man with a history of convictions for sexually abusing his children.

If you are emotionally healthy and it’s a good relationship, maybe before your dc grow up. But honestly so many parents want to ‘model a healthy relationship’ for their dc (mine wanted to do so, so badly), but you can’t do it if you’re still a bit messed up. Children don’t need to see parents living together for a healthy relationship. It’s totally possible to model that for your children without moving a partner in after only a few years.