When is the right time scale to move BF in when you already have children from previous relationship?

[Sugarandspicee]

Off the back of other current threads at the moment. Generally curious at what time scale is advised to have your partner move into your home with your children from previous relationship?

They usually are in my personal and professional experience. And children often lie and say they’re fine and happy about it because there’s such pressure on them not to ‘spoil things’ for their parent.

Usual answers on here, have you never been here before OP? 🤣

I always think it’s odd; in ‘Mrs Doubtfire’ the character tells Sally Field that she should never have another man and that is deemed manipulative and abusive, as it’s her (in disguise) EX-H, however, on here it’s normal. I do agree some people move too fast but all this “wait till they’re 35” is ridiculous and unrealistic.

Don't worry, wasn't offended. Just wanted to point out that you can marry, and make lifetime commitments without having to share the same house.

Not that I'm one of those who says you can never move your new partner in. To answer your initial question, personally I wouldn't introduce them until a year in, and not contemplate moving in together until two years, and only then if my child was enthusiastic about it.

MN rule 539b.

Whilst there is no evidence of a good time to move a new partner in there has been cases with limited success for those able to wait a minimum of 28 years.

I’ve been with my partner 2.5 years, my youngest is 13 and I will not consider living together before he goes to university. They adore my partner and he has a great relationship with them, the possibility of abuse has never been on my radar.

however, this is their home, their safe space and I can’t for the life of me think how their lives could be improved with him moving in. They love having him here and I would love to live with him but why would I enforce a change on them they haven’t asked for just because I want to. I can’t see it’s in their best interests and therefore it’s not happening

Is the motive for Daniel (as Mrs Doubtfire) telling Miranda 'never!' to moving a new man in not slightly different? 🙄 He hadn't wanted them to separate, he wasn't allowed to see his children and was going to ridiculous measures to be able to.

'Never' is a hell of a lot more considerate for the children involved than six months.

For me? Once the kids have all left for uni, or after they have their own places. Or never. Quite happy by myself to be honest. Then again, I am not 28!

Can I ask when you introduced the kids or was it just recently? (I've not yet introduced mine) thinking next year but alot of family advise to do it after 9 months instead of later as friends so we can get a feel for it. He hasn't got children of his own so might not be up for being with someone with kids eventually. 50/50 is good I don't many people ( in real life)😂 that have that split but it must be nice to have a good balance. I have mine majority of the time so I only see my partner every other weekend

This!

Introduced them at 4 months in, although I met his earlier. They don't spend a lot of time together, but we are taking it very slowly. 50 50 works well, ex DH has a gf and she sees our kids a fair bit and it seems to be going well.

My mum would have “bet her life” I was happy too. Except my stepfather was fiddling with me under the covers as you so delicately put it.

I met my stepfather when I was six. The abuse didn’t start til I was 13. Please don’t minimise my shitty experience just because you think/hope everything is fine for you.

I personally couldn't think of anything worse, but l love my independence and freedom, having a man here would only ruin that for me and things soon get stale.
I love not having anyone elses imput into how l raise my sons, they are older now but l couldn't stand being piggy in the middle trying to keep everyone else happy, but hey ho, most women think my set up is their worst nightmare, "Stand by your man" and all that jazz. As for being a step parent a definite No, (not that stupid)

As I’m one of the posters who is being slagged off for saying 6 months, don’t you dare say I’m delusional for thinking my son managed to have a happy childhood despite me inflicting a stepdad on him.
My actual mistake was being with his useless lying arsehole bio dad for 3 years and getting pregnant, I kicked him out when my son was 2 months old and didn’t date for almost 2 years to get my head straight. I then dated a nice man for a year but it wasn’t ever going to be a permanent thing and he never met my son. We mutually broke up then I met my now DH and he moved in with us after 6 months. I didn’t need a man, didn’t put him before my child, had my own place and a good job I just knew he was the right one. Oh and my son’s bio dad fucked off never to be seen again for 14 years I never asked for money from him ( I had good reasons) so my DH supported my son and was the only dad he ever knew. We had a child together years later and both of them are close. We are still together 30 years later so as I said in previous post it depends on the person waiting 6 months or 2 years my DH would have been the same decent person.

Thank you! Yeah I'm in no rush! I enjoy the time with just me and the kids but seen another thread where people were saying that the OP was wrong to move him in after 2 years and wasn't sure what the general consensus was on it

Successful blended family here. Moved in after 3 and a half years together (realistically more like 3yrs as he was spending most of his time here anyway). His teenage ds and my primary age dd are like true brother and sister (from the covering for each other and the bickering) but none of it from a place of jealousy. They love each other.
Dd loves her stepdad which I think is huge considering she still has a good relationship with her dad. When we have family get togethers all respective parents are invited. Dds dad attends. Stepsons mum can't be persuaded which is a shame as she's missing out and so is he.
My partner treats dd like his own. He's more creative at fun than I am and all her besties like him too.
It can work but for us 3 years worked brilliantly.
Should add he's been living her e 4 years now

So sorry to hear to that. Hope you've healed as much as you possibly can from the trauma and he get's some serious justice!

You’re asking this question on MN. You’re very brave! I got a load of abusive on here for getting a place with my DP after 1.5yrs together. Apparently that was far too soon (frown, frown, frown)

The answer to that is, whenever you feel ready. Yes our children come first and you protect them all you can, but you also can’t wrap them in cotton wool forever. You also need to think about your own happiness.

@Pencilsaremylife I don't believe in just knowing someone is the right person after 6 months. I haven't said btw that all of the children who have had stepparents move in too quickly have had unhappy childhoods. I just think it's a massive risk when you have only known a person for six months. Nothing will change my mind on that. Yes it can work out fine but the consequences if it doesn't can be absolutely dire and I would never want to put my children at risk or do anything that I think could impact on them negatively.

I was 30 when I split up with their dad, still a young woman. I'm only mid 30s now. But this is how I feel about it, possibly because of my experiences with my ex and the absolute terror he caused me. I never, ever want to go through that again or for my children to suffer.

‘You need to think about your own happiness’

If it we’re me the last thing I would want after one failed ‘settled down’ relationship would be another one! Why move them in and do the domestic shit all over again? I would enjoy dating them for years, doing nice things and not picking their pants up. I really don’t understand what is so great about living with someone unless you have kids together or aim to do that.

So refreshing to hear of co-parenting done right!

Why not show your children how to have a happy, healthy relationship without moving a man into your house?

A year to move someone in to your home? I wouldnt move someone in that fast even without children being involved!!

Glad it all worked out. My boyfriend also doesn't have children so always interested to see how other situations like this work out. I would like to remarry and buy a house together eventually around that same sort of 5 year mark I guess. Was you nervous at all about marrying and buying together before living together?

Your argument doesn't stand up I'm afraid. Start a thread "What do you think of your mother in law?" or "Have your children been diagnosed with anything?" and you'll get a good mix of responses. Look at any thread titled something like "What was it like growing up in a blended family?" and it's overwhelming misery.

Having been a stepdaughter myself on my mum and dad's side, I would say never. It's been an awful experience and really damaging for me and my Siblings, with permanent consequences.