When is the right time scale to move BF in when you already have children from previous relationship?

[Sugarandspicee]

Off the back of other current threads at the moment. Generally curious at what time scale is advised to have your partner move into your home with your children from previous relationship?

DH and I had been together almost 3 years when we all moved to a different house together. DC were 11 and 9 at the time

About 6 months with my DH, my parents were concerned in case he was a child abuser seeking me out cause I was a single parent, we’re still together 30 yrs later. My son was 3 1/2 so a long time to wait til the MN recommend age of 16. I had previously dated someone for a year with no intention of ever moving then in, so to me it depends on the person.

I'd probably never move a man in if I had daughters.

Maybe with boys I'd consider it but not for at least 3 years. And if it didn't work out, he'd be out again toot sweet.

Haha thanks for your reply! I was nervous about posting this question because I felt I was pretty much going to get that reply. I had an amazing stepfather who taught me good morals and ethics and most of what I know and actually he stands out as a better role model through my childhood than my birth parents but I know that's not always the case so I am curious and will genuinely take every step of the relationship with caution for the sake of the children. I feel like my boyfriend could add to our lives massively and could be an amazing addition to our family but yeah as I said want to do everything right

What @Offthexmaslist said...

For us it was about a year and a half, we bought a new house together and all moved in. DC3 came a year later. If you're from the mumsnet school of thought then step parent families are the most traumatizing you can put your children through but ours has been nothing short of wonderful. IMO it's so important to show your kids the kind of love you want them to know they deserve, and my DH gives that to me and to them.

After they have already had the emotional upheaval of their parents separating, I wouldn't move anyone else into my children's home. Not if it's not something they weren't 100% on board with and it was a long relationship, 5 years plus. All too often I don't think parents put the needs of their children first in these situations.

Anyone who moves someone in after incredibly short periods of time (6 months ffs?!) is not putting the best interests of their child first IMO. It's just lucky if it works out ok because how can you possibly know and trust someone after such a short period of time?

I think the main thing is healing from the previous relationship break up. This is different for everyone. My lovely friend had the absolute dirty done on her 2 years ago. She isn’t ready for even a casual relationship yet but she fortunately knows this. She is currently going through the actual divorce which is re traumatising the poor woman and she has some mild depression.

So ask yourself where is your head first then when it’s ok and recovered then date and then it will really depend on the relationship. You really need to be good at spotting any red flags, again that is different for everyone.

This I completely understand and as a mother your biggest fear is harm being done to your child especially from someone you've allowed in your home. I agree especially from just reading mumsnet threads that you don't truly know anyone so always best to be on top of safeguarding with anyone around any children

6 months. Shoot me. 5 years later all is well, we're all happy, the kids love each other.

My advice is coming from being lumped with a really awful abusive step father who seemed extremely charming and lovely, it not from false sense of superiority.

The parents who move someone in always say it's brilliant and the children love it. On threads where posters were the children in so-called blended families, nearly all of them found it miserable.

Secondbirthwhathappened
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Stepdads are probably the most likely sexual abusers along with other relatives..
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....and yet living with or having contact with 'other relatives' is not frowned upon...only the hoards of potential pedophile step fathers. ?

What about the vast majority of step fathers who are wonderful ? .. who not only share the load of a single parent but also enhance the lives of the children they help raise ?

It is actually about the mothers relationship with their children that matters. Do the kids have unerring faith in the fact that they are their priority. That IF there is a problem, then they will be listened to and believed. ? That their mother will put them in front of ANY gratification (money, support, sex, friendship) that she gets from the partner ? and be prepared to forgo that in a situation where they are troubled ?

My only caveat is that no children between the couple should be considered until they are at least two years in to living together and the woman has been able to assess his ability to be a supportive partner and kind to the children. ..and no I am sorry 'accidental pregnancy' doesn't cut it where other kids are involved. No one needs to be pregnant if it wasn't planned. Take the contraception as prescribed and MAP if you fuck up.. It needs to be carefully evaluated if at all as there is more than 'you two' involved at this stage. Anything else is selfish.

No one wants to admit that they've put their own wants and needs ahead of their kids, do they, I guess? 😬

I'm not remotely interested in a relationship, so it's irrelevant really, but it would be a never for me. I have no interest in domestic drudgery or having someone in my space and as long as DD is here I would not have a man in her home.
Additionally, I don't see my stepmother and her children as family so I definitely would not want to try and force DD to be in a relationship with another family.

I guess if they truly love & trust their partners, they do their best. Sometimes relationships do last, thank goodness.

It was 9 months. My child met him quite early on (3yrs old at the time) as a friend. He stayed over when child was with their dad 6 years later their relationship is amazing. It's not always a horror story

Depends on so many factors. There’s no right answer, although there’s definitely a wrong answer if you’ve just met them. That’s never OK, as you as the parent can’t vouch for them either.

But if they’ve been family friends for years, if you’re widowed, never lived with a partner before or a bunch of other reasons a shorter (not immediate) timescale might be OK. Or it might not. Every situation is different.

Never.

And I say this because of family experience of CSA committed by the victims's step-father.

He had targeted a single mother with daughters.

Not until the children have left home. Yes, I've been a lone parent for 14yrs with no overnight breaks.

I plan to move mines in when we're together one year, he's slowly started blending in every 3rd weekend, then every 2nd , now it's most weekends, and will continue to be every weekend ( and holidays ) when he moves in. He works away during the week.

My kids have never got to know another partner of mine and their dad went MIA 3 years ago. There is no revolving door and they look up to him as a friend and are aware he's not a daddy replacement, but respect him as if he is.

The thought of this makes my blood run cold. How can you ever be sure that this wouldn't happen?

I made a mistake marrying my DC's dad. He was abusive to me which was bad enough, thank god not the kids. The thought of anything happening to my children is awful. I won't repeat a mistake and allow myself or even worse my children to be affected.

Offthexmaslist

hear hear !!

That’s far too quick. He shouldn’t even be there every weekend given you’ve only been together a matter of months. Please rethink this!

I plan to move mines in when we're together one year

When you're still in the honeymoon period and on best behaviour and you haven't even begun to see what he's really like? Smart.

Can't speak for everyone obviously but my children and my step-children are very close. They refer to each other as brothers and sisters, they communicate with each other when they not at our house. If I am going somewhere with my own DC, they ask if the SC are coming. They have a solid relationship. Maybe it's their ages that make a difference, who knows. But not all blended families are shitshows.