When is the right time scale to move BF in when you already have children from previous relationship?

[Sugarandspicee]

Off the back of other current threads at the moment. Generally curious at what time scale is advised to have your partner move into your home with your children from previous relationship?

I find Mumsnet to be so anti-step family. I don't know anyone in real life who is so militant in their opinions about this.

There is no right answer. It's what is right for you, in your circumstances, with your judgement. There are potential pitfall, and many potential benefits both emotional and practical.

You need to be mindful, reflective, open to listen and open to changing things if they're not working.

Yes I aM a single parent and haven’t dated in 6 years but I realise this is unusual as most single parents have had 2/3 or more relationships by now, but I just don’t personally want to live with a man 🤷‍♀️

Never. Single parent. Former stepchild.

The problem is @Sugarandspicee that in our culture many men believe , deep down, that they should be “ head of the house “ ( although few will admit it ).

To them that means that they get more authority and do less housework than women. Many men who move in with single mums also pay a lot less towards the house because “ she has kids “.

The combination of

a man thinking they are the boss / laying down the law
Believing that they will get the lion’s share of your attention
Them doing less work and having more free time ( it’s not my house )
them creating more work and expense for you ( the person who does most of the housework and pays the bills)
paying less and having more spare cash to spend on Themselves
telling you how to parent but not doing any parenting ( not their kids )

often turns out to be not a great deal/ not a lot of fun for single mums .

This.

As someone who was sexually abused by my step father…never while the children are living at home.

Home was never a safe place for me again. I moved out as soon as I possibly could, and made some poor choices about who I lived with and where, as at the time anything was better than remaining at home with him and my mother who accepted his bullshit story that I’d got the wrong end of the stick.

I am now a single parent myself and under no circumstances will I be moving any man into my children’s home. Nothing is worth that risk. I’m not saying every step father is an abuser, but no one would ever have believed mine was and that’s the fucking point.

@Offthexmaslist I'm so very happy for you that you not only didn't experience abuse, but had a positive experience of having a stepfather. We're all here to share our experiences, sadly with so many stepfathers being abusive that means there will be a lot of negativity. Personally, I'd never risk my son going through what I went through.

This be really careful there are Clare's law and Sarah's law processes as well.

Everyone's different. I'm a single mum and prefer not to live with another adult. Plus there is no way moving some bloke in would benefit my kids in any way, I own my own home, have a good income and they have a good relationship with their dad. No matter who I may meet in the future they will never move in with me. But some people really find single parenthood lonely and hard going and their need for another adult for company outweighs any other considerations.

My ex moved his gf in after we split much too quickly. It's worked out OK so far but that's due to luck rather than his good judgement. I was very angry at first. I'm glad my DC don't have to put up with a step parent at both houses.

As I said, the parent always claims it's happy families.

DH and I moved in together after 5 years, once we were married and into a new home we'd bought together. DS was 14 when he moved in, DH had no dc of his own. It's worked out well (we're 13 years further on).

Yeahh I've known a few situations like this. I'm happy with how my relationship is at the moment and keeping the kids separate. I don't plan to introduce them to him till next year sometime and even then it will be dribs and drabs and no over nights for a long time but even once they gain a good relationship and the children are happy to have him move in there would still be boundaries agreed for all involved. I don't think he would be like that but still best to agree on what expectations are so everyone know's where they stand. I'm not desperate for anyone to live with me so wouldn't allow for anything less than mutual effort and respect

Step child here. Parents split when I was 12, new man introduced when I was 14, moved in / married soon after.

Lovely man, they are still married, I love him.

But it broke me as a child. Took away my safe place. I didn’t feel I had a ‘home’ until I married myself and got my own place.

I am happily married, but if I ever split from DH, hell would freeze over before I introduced another man into my kids home.

As a kid it was awful. Terrible. Violating and so upsetting. I pretended it was ok. I played happy families and cried in my bed at night. I felt unsafe and unloved and pushed out of my home.

But my mum never knew how awful it was for me and my sisters.

I pretended I was ok Because I had no choice. I had zero power in that situation.

@SpringOn I'm so sorry this was your experience. I can completely see how this could happen. I hate the thought of my DC (especially DD) feeling like this because a strange man moved into her home. It will never happen here either.

@SlippySarah thank you. I’ve never talked about it to anyone before, but I can still feel how it felt to younger me. I really appreciate your post.

It's not like my kids can come on here and say the same thing @ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave but as I know them, and you don't, I would bet my life that they would say the same thing.

Just because one person has had a shitty experience, doesn't mean everyone does. There are plenty of people out there who have had great blended family experiences. Of course the people who have had it bad are more vocal. My kids (actually young adults) have an amazing relationship with their stepfather.

I'm on the other side of the fence too and my children have a stepmother. I only see it as a positive that they have another adult in their life that can influence and support them, rather than thinking it's an adult who could creep into the bedroom at night and start fiddling with them under the covers.

I grew up in a very happy blended family. I'm saving to visit my Step-brother in Australia.

You said you're basing your opinion that all DC in blended families are miserable from threads on MN. Most people only tend to comment on things that they have experienced and found difficult and not the positives. That's why so many people will only leave a review of something if it was bad buy don't bother when it's good.

And why 'everyone' on MN seems to have a terrible MIL, a narcissistic ex or DC with disabilities. That's obviously not the case but it's just that more people post about whatever struggles they are having or had.

It's true @CornishGem1975 that lots of people have good blended family experiences but it's also true that lots don't. On this thread there have been posters that have said they've moved new partners in after 6 months. How is that ever their children's best interest, in any way whatsoever? It's just reckless and not prioritising the children involved.

The children don't have control in the situation. I think @SpringOn has summarised how negative it was for her, even with a decent man as a stepfather. I wouldn't ever want to put my kids through that.

@Sugarandspicee Why does not living together preclude having a serious relationship?

My Mum and her second husband were married and still never lived together. Mum didn't particularly fancy going through the teen years again with step kids, and they both enjoyed having their own space. Had my mum not died then they probably would have moved in together once my stepbrothers had moved finished uni, but they'd have been married for around 10 years at that point.

They saw each other pretty much every day, holidayed together, socialised together, spent the night together probably 5 nights a week. It was no less a serious relationship because they didn't live together.

If you’re my ex then when they’ve met them once! He’s moving in some woman and her 15yr old son (my 15yr old daughter is there 50% of the time) that he met when working abroad. Fuming isn’t the word. I’d say minimum of 1yr the kids knowing him. I personally wouldn’t move in any man as my daughter is 15 and only 3yrs until she goes to uni. I’ve got a bad experience from my eldest and guy above who is probably going to do exactly the same to this woman’s son as he did to mine (and why we split years ago)

So been seeing someone for a year, hes got kids and met mine but i cant imagine living together for a very long time, not sure why I see the rush?

His ex has her bf there every weekend and think the kids feel like they have to share their mum. I have 50% so enough time with a partner without having to impose on their time with me.

Really not reasonable to claim that anyone who says the family is happy is either mistaken, lying to themselves or lying to others. Many families are happy. The fact that some aren't doesn't mean none are.

A year!!! That’s insane. You barely know someone

No offence intended! I meant for myself I'm 28 and would like to remarry at some point and potentially have another child so to me I meant serious relationship as in making life time commitments together but understand that serious can be and mean so many things to each individual relationship

It’s not just sexual abuse. My eldest was abused mentally by his step father. Started with dirty looks and escalated