How to accept loss of best mates

[Dwadle]

DH and I had 2 best mates (who were also in a couple). We went on holidays together, BBQs frequently and things were wonderful. They supported us when our son died. We were each others Best Mans and Maid of Honours etc.

They spent the last year breadcrumbing DH and ghosting me until they've finally said to DH they want nothing to do with us directly. No explanation why or what's happened.

For me, it's a bit easier to accept as I've felt like I lost them a year ago but for DH it's hard as he kept out hope.

Anyway, what can we do to move on from this and accept it without dwelling and analysing it all? Is there anything I can do to support DH in particular?

This is so difficult when there's no explanation or obvious falling out isn't it?
How were things the last couple of times you were together? Any clues?
It might be nothing to do with you, could be issues in their own relationship etc.
Do they have children? Could she be pregnant or trying and finds it difficult because of your history?
I have no real advice except that it's something a surprising number of people encounter in their life time and it does get easier with time.
I guess my response to their final message would be, you know where we are if you want to talk about things. Then back right off, widen your social circle and leave them to it.
Also, sorry about your son

Hi 👋 Op@Dwadle

Do you rember that olde, saying,

What springs to mind

A friend for a season,

A friend for a reason

Or

A friend for life ect

Springs to mind,

Friends just like seasons the moon and the sea , and life itself

Wax and wane in this manner

Some/ few friends weave in out of lives , lives like a rich embroidery tapestry

Sometimes friends are not meant to stay with us for our lifetime

But leave a impression in our lifetime good and different shades of Grey as in some ways beneficial to use , other ways problematic too,

Be thankful 🙏 that you came across this couple who helped you through obviously extremely turbulent and traumatic time,

Wish them best of luck in their lives,

But it's time for you and your husband and themselves to move on upward and beyond

They gave you renewed faith in humanity with their kindnes

I feel this is a transisation phrase in your lives,
When new horizons and opportunities are ahead of yourselves

This is a catalyst for change personal growth and strides new windows of opportunities will fly open now,

I feel that this friendship was stagnating vegating holding you back , Cause of the huge trauma that this friendship was based on orginally

Just carry on being supportive of your husband being their emotionally for him,

Also the reason why this catalyst of change is happening is exceptionally good beneficial reasons for you and your husband it's for space for new healthier friendships to develop,
Have a chance/opportunities for this to happen
Fruition @Dwadle

No, losing a close friend is not all of that Goodread1- it is heartbreaking , senseless, and profoundly upsetting. Not everything that happens is wonderful and inspiring and a great provider of space for change. Some things are just horrible.

I'm sorry about your lost friendship, OP, and I don't know how you can support your husband, except by understanding and listening if he wants to talk. This is a painful bereavement, one which often goes unrecognised in our society. I am sorry.

How hurtful. I would need to know where before had closure.

Why!

Have you asked why?

I think you have to just accept they’ve moved on. It’s so hard. Had a similar thing with a friend. I eventually pushed for a reason, they gave me one but that wasn’t why, it was just an excuse that didn’t make sense. Maybe they didn’t have a reason themselves just the chemistry changed and wasn’t there anymore.
it’s heartbreaking though.

It could be anything, could be money troubles or issues private to them, that they find difficult to process right now, they may find something triggering about your friendship. It might be outside of your control, it might be illogical.

I guess you could ask them if there is anything you can do for them or help them with, and see how they respond. However, if they refuse to communicate clearly with you, then you need to protect yourself from the impact of their actions. Don't beg, don't chase them. Let them work whatever it is out in their own time.

Why?

He will be grieving for this loss so listen to him if he wants to talk and just be there for support really.

Try really consciously not to try and figure out what’s going on in their head, you’ll drive yourself mad. Instead focus on your own autonomy and what sort of friend you want to be to others and what you want in a friend. What they have done is not only cowardly but also very unkind so for me I think you’re well rid.

I’ve read before how overrated closure is. Feels like we need it but actually disinterest is closure.

Grieve for the loss and change in your life but don’t tangle yourselves up trying to figure out what’s going on in the minds of others 💐

I'd love to know why but when DH did press for whys this happened he wasn't really given a reason.

A lot of last year I spent overanalysing our last interactions and came to no conclusions that made sense to me. Our last time together was a very standard takeaway night with drinks at our new home, nothing controversial happened, night was pleasant and light.

I think its time to just accept that we won't ever get a satisfactory explanation as its about them not us and we cannot understand what's gone on in their lives right now.

I am heartbroken. DH is heartbroken. We have never had a friendship end in this way before and for DH he has known this friend since school.

@Goodread1 That's what I am attempting to accept and hope to help DH find peace with this too

@Greenfinch7

I totally agree that losing a good friendship is heart ❤️ breaking in so many different ways ,

What also makes it difficult and a struggle to come to terms with when a friendship ending,

Is that in our Society and culture,

The loss of a friendship, as in the beneficial effect that it has of Supporting us emotionally through good and shit feeling serious hard times,

is not recognised, the significance of this,
in same way as other types of bereavements in our society in the same way

Sometimes we can be more closer to friends than a particular flesh and blood family member,
I was adopted and also come from a extremely traumatic childhood background of birth parents both abandoned me, put in children's homes at extremely young age
Also Adoptive mum dying young on me as a a teenager of 15 yrs age,

5 years after being adopted,

And seismic after affects of this, resulting in me,
subsquently being rejected by adoptive father as i went off the rails cause of what I experienced at that age...

I am not trying to dimish or undermine @Dwadle and her husband
Experinces in any way at all

You last meeting was a celebration at your new home. I wonder if you bought a home that they were envious of. I lost a very good friend when I bought a home that she considered 'better' than hers.

What was their reason they gave to DH? Even if you think it isn't a good one?

I wonder if you just weren't "hearing" their reason or accepting its validity and you were talking at cross purposes.

I'd find it really hard to come to terms with too but I think @Goodread1 makes good points , god it must be heartbreaking though 😟

Its quite likely one of the couple has the issue and the other is towing the line.

For sure not knowing the reason is the hardest part. Maybe they won the lottery and are upscaling their friends!

Something very similar happened to my sister and she was devastated. They had been friends for over 30 years since they started school; bridesmaids, godparents the lot and then they were just ghosted for no apparent reason.

She wrote the other woman a letter saying that they accepted that the friendship was over and respected that and wouldn't contact them again, but asked them to please just let them know the reason. She got some half arsed reason along the lines of they felt they needed to 'leave them behind'. It was cruel and downright awful. But some people really are awful.

@Manichean

That's interesting thought,

As envy Jealously can often disguise itself in weird problematic in so many ways,

Perhaps now you are starting to heal , getting on through your life,

Doing better in life,

They could be the type of people who are a bit jealous of this, and prefer you to be Allways either a lot/ or a bit , /somewhat struggling in some way, constantly,

There are people /individuals like this out there too,

People can be Confusing, shades of Grey in between good aspects of their character's too

Which can be difficult to understand at times

Sorry Goodread1 perhaps I don't completely understand you. It sounded like you were talking about how we should be thankful for friends who decide to move out of our lives and come to celebrate the moving away from: "this friendship that was stagnating vegating holding you back".

I just think sometimes people dump friends for very poor reasons, and make very bad choices which are hurtful and destructive.

I am sorry that in your own life you have experienced so much loss and destruction, and I hope you have found peace and comfort at this moment.

I am so so sorry for your loss of your son.

This is just a guess, but I would imagine that the friendship shifted irrevocably from light and fun BBQs and holidays to quite in-depth and heavy (very understandably from your POV) when your tragedy occurred. They may have felt it had become too intense. They might be the kind of people who just seek lightness and sociability from friends not dark-night-of-the soul stuff and inevitably, due to your tragedy, the friendship had deepened in a way that supported you but might have become too much for them.

If I was you, I'd send them a card saying you are sad that they feel this way but really glad they have finally been direct about it; that you know the friendship changed after your son died and you understand that this was not what they would choose after having had a much more light-hearted friendship up until that point, but you will always be grateful to them for having been so kind and supportive at the darkest time of your lives, and you wish them well.

Then I'd start looking for some new friends. I'd never rely on one other couple, that in itself is too intense. Also, I believe in finding different types of friends - some who are quite superficial but fun - groups to do BBQs, fancy dress disco fundraiser type events with etc, and then some deeper more intense friendships if you feel the need for those. But don't assume everyone seeks this and a good friendship will deepen into this inevitably. IME it doesn't. Depends on the personality type.

You clearly got on really well with that couple for a good long time so there's every reason to assume that will happen again with plenty of other people. What happened to you will have changed you and you may find you are looking for a different type of friendship now.

I have had similar with a friend. It turned out that she was in a really bad place with her marriage. She knew she had made a mistake marrying him, knew that her friends/family thought the same, and just sort of gradually started isolating herself from us all (aided by her DH 🙄).

Unfortunately there is nothing you can do. I would be 99% sure that the issue or reason here lies with them and not with you. They may just need time to get through whatever the issue is and what’s going on in their own lives before they can see they need to make amends. The question then of course is could you forgive and forget? It is really horrible 💐

I am so sorry about the loss of your son Dwadle. There are really no words.

Unfortunately, when a tragedy strikes, and one where there is a loss of a child, a lot of friends and even family just can't cope. Sadly at a time, where you need the support of your friends, some simply walk away as they can't deal with your grief or because it scares them. It is a reminder that this could easily happen to them too and they simply can't cope or accept the people you now are. They won't be able to admit that to you sadly.

It is really not you or your DH. It is common in grief, to have 'secondary' losses like this. I don't think there is anything really you can do about your friends - but you can be there for your DH and the positive thing is that you now have time to develop other friends or find friends who can accept you for who you are. Your 'friends' are not worth your headspace so find peace by accepting it and let it go. You are grieving not the 'friends' that they are but the for the relationship that you should have had with them.

The reason given to DH was that the wife no longer likes me and she now enjoys sharing screenshots of my social media and gossiping about it with her friends.

I am hurt by that but trying to not to give it head space as most of my photos are family adventure photos and so I don't want to think she's saying mean stuff about my children. The rest are about my home reno project. It's really nothing controversial and nothings changed on there since I've known them.

I think its because our values no longer align perhaps though, since they start trying to conceive?

And perhaps some of you are right that the death of our son a few years ago eventually built up as a trigger for them since they became pregnant?

I've told DH that I'll never turn them away if they come back into our lives or if they do want to continue seeing him then he can of course.

Thank you btw, eveyone

She is jealous of your new home and life and in order to pacify her jealousies, she sneers in a childish way. What a cow.