How to accept loss of best mates

[Dwadle]

DH and I had 2 best mates (who were also in a couple). We went on holidays together, BBQs frequently and things were wonderful. They supported us when our son died. We were each others Best Mans and Maid of Honours etc.

They spent the last year breadcrumbing DH and ghosting me until they've finally said to DH they want nothing to do with us directly. No explanation why or what's happened.

For me, it's a bit easier to accept as I've felt like I lost them a year ago but for DH it's hard as he kept out hope.

Anyway, what can we do to move on from this and accept it without dwelling and analysing it all? Is there anything I can do to support DH in particular?

The reason given to DH was that the wife no longer likes me and she now enjoys sharing screenshots of my social media and gossiping about it with her friends.

If that's really what he said to your DH, then I don't think you should be sad about losing these "friends". That's so mean. Sounds like they did you a favour.

Culture wars, jealousy, backlash. Horrible

I don't disagree with you @Xiaoxiong. Its not a reason as to why this has happened though. And that's what's hard to accept. What did I do for her to appear to suddenly change her view of me and act in this way?

I know she has always been a gossiper, many evenings over wine were spent by her telling us exaggerated stories of her friends and family. She has am amusing delivery, she's good at story telling. I always took what she said with a pinch of salt (and I didn't know most of the people she spoke about).

But this behaviour is next level isn't it, and as you pont out not behaviour you'd want in a friend.

DH is baffled by it, he hasn't a clue why she'd act in this way and is rather disgusted she's treating me like that.

He appears more hurt that his best mate (her husband) is going along with cutting us off. But as I pointed out, he is her wife and they've a baby together. That's who he sees daily and is making a life with etc. Doesn't really help him though.

I think you should reframe this as "how to accept that the people I thought were friends were actually assholes all along".

I don't think she's changed at all - it sounds like she was always like this, but you didn't actually realise it because she was doing it behind your back. The only difference is now neither she nor her DH care about you knowing it. And maybe give a thought to her friends and family whose "funny stories" you used to listen to happily - if they knew you'd been hearing all her stories about them for years I wonder if they'd feel as hurt as you do now.

There are much nicer friends out there - I wouldn't be sad about this one ending at all. In fact if you get a bit cross about their behaviour it might help you move on from their bullshit. You don't deserve being treated this badly by people you thought were friends, I'm cross on your behalf

might you have made comments that have offended them somehow? Oftentimes it's not just one thing but a number of things that add up then people suddenly decide that's enough. You might not even realise you were offensive.

Maybe one of them was attracted to one of you and the other realised.

Yes I'm definitely open to that @greenlychee . Something I had wondered too.

I don't really want to analyse it any longer though, but rather move on now.

Not sure how we can do that, or is it just time to heal?

I had this at age 21 with my BF of 17 years. She's never told me why and you could literally spend years trying to guess.

I would suggest to DH that he treats it like grief, that's certainly Joe it felt to me DF the time.

Looking back I'm glad it happened. It forced me to spend time with other friends, all of whom have stuck by me through thick and thin.

I'm so sorry about your DS too

Maybe, when I first dated DH there were many jokes by her other friends and family that she only ended up with DH's best mate because DH was taken @herlightmaterials . But I think that's just because DH is really attractive, he is gorgeous!

@SiouxsieSiouxStiletto Yes it's certainly meant I've made new connections over the last year I may not have pursued.

She is cancelling you. It's a power game, a very unpleasant one. Triggered by jealousy.

I think you've got your reason right there.

I've been told that since my BF was truly horrible to me, to the point that I had to cut her off it was because I'd gone out with the man she fancied. I would never have done it of id known, she'd never even hinted at liking him.

You really are better moving on, although I know this is going to be difficult for your DH, especially if it's his BF. Is there anyway that DH can still see him without you and her being involved?

@SiouxsieSiouxStiletto We had hoped there would be. DH did suggest this but he said he wants to give his energy and focus to her right now. Which is fair isn't it, they've just had a baby

I agree with this. I wouldn't want to be friends with any adult who treats people this way. Plus ghosting by adults - unless abuse is involved - is pathetic, obnoxious and cruel all at once.

@CreationNat1on with all due respect, you can't be sure that's the reason without knowing the people involved. It could be any one of a number of reasons.

Just get DH to let him know he's always there should he need him. If she is orchestrating this, which we have no clue about it's just if, he'll need his DFs if the relationship ever ends.

It seems that it’s asymmetric.

You were ghosted.
He was breadcrumbed.

The males were childhood friends.
The females new on the scene.

It seems the wife/partner has instigated the ‘cut-off’ and I suspect that you weren’t the first and won’t be the last if her MO is bitching and gossiping …. about others to you and then to others about your SM profile.

It seems a real shame that the two guys can’t carry on their friendship one on one even if the couple part is over.

Why are you posting now after a year - is it because it’s very clear now that the bread crumbing with your DH has reached the end and any hoped for resolution will not happen?

Were they very involved in supporting you after the tragic loss of your child - and is your grief for your child being exacerbated by this?

Posting now because it came to a head only a couple days ago with DH asking what's going on.

DH asked as he popped up for a cuppa (he was invited over) only to find he was walking into a BBQ with their mutual mates and his parents (my in laws) and so he was baffled why I wasn't invited.

He didn't ask there and then as he said he had a really lovely time and didn't want to ruin the atmosphere but questioned the guy the next day over the phone and then followed up with some further texts.

@Ooolaaaala They were very much there in supporting the lead up to his death, and DS is named after the best mate too. So yes, perhaps you are right there.

The reason given to DH was that the wife no longer likes me and she now enjoys sharing screenshots of my social media and gossiping about it with her friends.

There are four people involved in this. If the man was DH's friend and he still likes him, there is no reason why DH and the man can't maintain a friendship if they both want to independent of you and the other wife.

DH may find it a bit weird at first if you were used to socialising together but maybe he should address it directly with the man and be honest and say
something like
I understand your wife doesn't like my wife but you and I have been friends for a long time, I'd still like to keep a friendship going with you even if it's more a guy thing where we only socialise without our wives - would you be interested in going for a beer/cycle ride/football or whatever they used to do.

and see how that goes as a conversation. It may not bear fruit but it may do. If it goes no where and it's clear the man isn't interested at all, he could add

I know you gave me this reason but my wife has been really upset by this as she thought we were all good friends. It would really help her/us both to know what the problem is really - not so we can discuss it as we will accept it - but just for our/her peace of mind as 'not knowing' is actually distressing as we keep trying to second guess what we might have done.

If you don't want to do any of that, then you just need to wait for time to pass you will find new friends. My guess is that it is something to do with the death of your son - whether because they feel overly self conscious now and they can't share with you or otherwise - but people and relationships do change. Have you never had a friend that has fallen by the wayside because of your choice?

@lazytownie DH has already done all that

Yes, it has felt like friends have drifted because I've not pursued them due to changing chapters in life but it felt mutual. Or perhaps they were just really good at fizzing me out that it felt like it was mutual 😂

I was going to say this. Don't discount jealousy. I've seen enough petty jealousy in my time to see that it brings out an irrational monster in people.

Pathetic I know!

I hope you've restricted access for both of them to your SM. I don't think I'd be deleting them but I'd make sure that they didn't see any future posts. Quite easy to do if it's FB.

DH's head is fucked right now because they spent most of last year bread crumbing him. But then in the past month they sent him a birthday card, been sharing updates on their pregnancy etc and then done this BBQ thing.

So they must like him right? But when he asked his mate outright what's been going on he shut down the friendship possibilities. DH did say he would always be there if he needs him, he's aware that being a new father can be hard.

Dwadle · Today 13:24
@lazytownie DH has already done all that

@Dwadle what exactly did the man say then if DH asked about the possiblity of the two of them retaining "a lads" friendship as it were?