How to accept loss of best mates

[Dwadle]

DH and I had 2 best mates (who were also in a couple). We went on holidays together, BBQs frequently and things were wonderful. They supported us when our son died. We were each others Best Mans and Maid of Honours etc.

They spent the last year breadcrumbing DH and ghosting me until they've finally said to DH they want nothing to do with us directly. No explanation why or what's happened.

For me, it's a bit easier to accept as I've felt like I lost them a year ago but for DH it's hard as he kept out hope.

Anyway, what can we do to move on from this and accept it without dwelling and analysing it all? Is there anything I can do to support DH in particular?

When was this? Before or after the breadcrumbing of your DH?

Why did your DH tell them the Fuck Off?

The woman did message me after DH spoke to the guy saying fuck off and that she thinks I'm pathetic and wants nothing to do with me ever again or DH.

I know as I write this it reads that I've done something but I don't know what. I did ask her but she simply replied "fuck off" and blocked me

Yes I think you are 100% right. This is not a friendship drift. This is a person taking grave offence at something that either you have done or she thinks you have done. & she obviously thinks you've done something serious.

Saying she thinks you are pathetic is quite a strong statement. It's the sort of thing that people tend to say when they think there is morally blameworthy behaviour.

Is there any chance that she could believe that you were hitting on her husband or that you are cheating on yours - whether because she misinterpretted something, someone else has told her something or seen something or because her DH was trying to make her jealous?

@usererror99
For such an aggressive reply from her it must be something significant that she's got the wrong end of the stick of? Especially if you were so close before? To be honest I'd be having it out with her face to face. You're all adults and you have nothing to lose. Oh and I'd stop the parents going round theirs for cosy little BBQs

I completely agree with @usererror99 . If you were so close before and you get such an aggressive response, I think it warrants a face-to-face just tell me what I've done. Mind you I'm not scared of confrontation and I'd just refuse to take no for an answer whatever fobbing off I got - although that's because I'm the kind of person where this would bug me to the end of time, and I would torture myself with wondering what I'd done for years. I'd rather go through the unpleasantness of a direct challenge to get some kind of answer as to me althouth unpleasant it s less unpleasant than what I would do to myself mentally for years.

You don't need to be rude about, just firm. It's a matter of basic human respect to be direct with someone about why you are upset with them. The more so if you were close before. There is also the possibility that there is a misunderstanding so the very least she owes you as a matter of basic fairness and decencey is the opportunity to respond to whatever she thinks you have done.

In the context of her aggressive reply, it sounds like her DH was doing a lot of soft soaping with your DH.

Is the aggressive friend dumper/cancel person a heavy drinker? She sounds quite mad.

Yes I agree, I have thought I've done something she's found particularly offence but she hasn't or won't say what and I'm blocked now and not about to push this on her when she's just had a baby. Also DH did ask her husband and that's when he said about her behaviour with my social media. It just sounds like she's made me into a villain through jealously and now can't backtrack perhaps?

Anyway I really don't want to start analysing this. I just want to move on from it, accept it and help DH.

@Ooolaaaala That was my poor grammar there. I meant she said fuck off to me, after DH spoke to her husband

I'm sorry OP. Some friends did this to us, also after a bereavement/traumatic time in our lives.

I did wonder if they'd been cooling off but then felt obliged to support us, then once a suitable time had passed since our trauma they ditched us quickly.

We never found out why. I have a hunch it was the husband who made the decision, but I guess we'll never know.

I found the best thing was to cut any ties and make an effort with other friends. This might be a bit more difficult if your in-laws are good friends with them too. But the couple really don't sound like they deserve your friendship.

Good luck.

It is very hard. I have this at the moment, a best friend wanting nothing to do with me. When I asked why I was told a few trivial reasons when I was in the depths of grief over a bereavement e.g., you were irritable that evening when we went out. I am so fucking angry with her.

It is very hurtful when there is no clear explanation. You go through hours and hours of combing through what they said and what you said etc to find the issue.

In the end they are just cowards. If there is an issue then speak to it. If they've 'moved on', then say so. Have some respect.

That is so strange, why would she have such an aggressive response? I wonder if one of these mutual ‘friends’ has been doing some stirring? I would 100% let PILs know what’s going on, well rather DH should.

I went through this quite recently to with my best friend of 37 years. She blamed me for Covid and lockdowns and said she hadn't fallen out with me but couldn't be interested in my life when I wasn't interested in what was important to her. I always thought she had a thing for my DH tbh

You deserve better. I wouldn't give them a second thought. X

Not exactly the same but years ago I had a friend who started to move away from me emotionally. I was shocked and asked her what was wrong. We had a guy on our college course who, for nothing I ever did, hated me. He was telling her I was talking about her behind her back etc. Issue is she believed him. I was devastated at the time but now know she wasn't worth my time and energy as, if she was any type of decent friend, she would have spoken to me about this. I never spoke about her behind her back but she believed him.

She sounds like an insecure bitch. Surely she's just telling you to fuck off to shut you down as she knows deep down she's the one who has behaved badly.

Your DH must tell his parents. They can't go on mixing with people who hold a grudge against him or you for no good reason.

Did you not show appropriate joy over their new baby or something? It's the only reason I can think of that would have turned her against you like this. Either that, or as Pp have suggested, someone has literally told her you have said awful things behind her back. In any case her behaviour is really bizarre and really extremely rude and childish. I had a close friendship end quite abruptly once and although I know the actual "reasons" (I hadn't done anything) the former friend (s) essentially refused to engage with me to discuss the situation or find a way forward. Or even agree to disagree - no closure whatsoever. I didn't even get a "fuck off"!

I was devastated for a while but it was kind of like a break up - eventually you accept they weren't really the great person you thought they were and move on. Spend your energy on other relationships with people who are worth it. I know it's a hard pill to swallow but there's nowt as queer as folk. And if you really haven't done anything "wrong", and have behaved with integrity yourself, well.. it's a them problem.

Surely she's just telling you to fuck off to shut you down

Yes, this is what it felt like. Im not pursuing her for answers as it seems pointless.

It hurts as it makes me feel like the whole thing between us was all a big lie.

OP sorry to hear that you are going through such a confusing and hurtful time with people you have previously felt more than able to trust.
Sometimes you never do get to uncover the catalysed that changed a previously harmonious friendship. People are complicated, and their hidden feelings even more so.
So back to basics, look after your own relationship and forget them and theirs.
Look forward not back.

I’ve had one close friendship that mysteriously ceased. I have never found out why, but I do know after almost 3 decades of angsting about it at odd times over the years it has served me no positive benefit at all.

*catalyst

@thespy I've not had the chance. I wasn't going to force myself there so I sent a card and gift.

When they announced they were pregnant (to DH), I sent her a lovely text which was ignored. I asked DH to his mate if he wanted the baby stuff we had in immaculate condition and put away for them. This was something they had asked of us, before our move they asked if we were getting rid of DS' things or if we would pack up neatly away their favourite pieces (including some pricey items) for when they have a baby. They didn't want to take it in case it jinxed their TTC (as luck would have it they conceived in 2 cycles. So we dragged it all with us across the move (and no, I didn't moan about it to anyone as it felt special they'd be using it). Anyway, the mate text DH saying they didn't want it now.

There could be so much more going on, behind closed doors. Don’t judge them, just say your goodbyes and wish them well. Life is full
of changes and we always watch some people go, which is hard. I have lost friends in the past that I still think about today. Now I have let them go in my heart, I feel lighter about it and I hold no malice for them just good wishes.

Never think it was all a lie. Just like when a romantic relationship breaks down under bad circumstances we tend to tar the entirety of what went before with the brush of the recent.

But it was good once. And you both benefitted from that. So (just as with the end of a romance), one day you may be able to look back and smile at the memories. It wasn't all a lie - only the end.

They sound quite mad to me. Does your female 'friend' have quite a hard look about her?! I don't know how anyone can admit to such nasty things as she has admitted to re you! Really nasty, then next move is her telling you to fuck off ! Even if the fuck off is a response to some misunderstanding or imagined slight, the rest of her personality sounds pretty awful. And inviting your poor DH to rub his face in how friendly they are with everyone else including his own mum and dad really takes the biscuit. It is seriously manipulatively cruel - how is your poor husband going to feel anything other than bad and sad. Definitely let your PILS find out what this pair are really like towards their son and his wife. If I was your inlaw I'd take a very dim view of being used to hurt my own child! Or perhaps your inlaws noticed something odd about them years ago and go along with invitations for your sake because they think you have a good relationship with these ex friends? You never know! I think jealousy surely lies at the heart of it, and also from what you say that the wife possibly fancies your husband? I am really sorry about your son too. You really really really deserve better friends than this, and you both sound like lovely people. It is their loss and one day they may realise it. Sorry this has happened to you xx

@Dwadle - firstly, sorry for the loss of your son. And sorry that you’re going through this. Losing friends in this way can be very painful.

This does all just sound rather crazy, with quite a lot of bitchiness swilling around amongst some of the people you know. I do wonder whether hormones (to conceive and then post baby) may be playing a role in what’s going on with her because it all seems so aggressive and extreme; either that, and/or as people have suggested, she’s got massively the wrong end of the stick on something. Frankly, she’s acting like you got off with her husband or something. But as some PPs said, she has form for gossip and doesn’t sound particularly nice.

Frankly they sound bloody awful and you are well rid. They're enjoying the power they have over you both, knowing you are desperate for answers. The BBQ with your in-laws was such a dick move – classic divide and conquer. I think all you can do is support your DH through the grieving process of letting the friendship go. He's in the anger phase now but he will eventually reach acceptance, which will probably be the point when they'll rock back up and try to re-engage as though nothing's happened. I hope you'll both have the strength to say thanks but no thanks.

They really asked if they can could have some of your late son's stuff and then said they didn't want it?????

I think you're better off without them. I hope your DH can come to terms with it and your PILS learn that they are not the people they appear to be.