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Original poster

How to accept loss of best mates

112 replies

Dwadle · 14/04/2023 07:27

DH and I had 2 best mates (who were also in a couple). We went on holidays together, BBQs frequently and things were wonderful. They supported us when our son died. We were each others Best Mans and Maid of Honours etc.

They spent the last year breadcrumbing DH and ghosting me until they've finally said to DH they want nothing to do with us directly. No explanation why or what's happened.

For me, it's a bit easier to accept as I've felt like I lost them a year ago but for DH it's hard as he kept out hope.

Anyway, what can we do to move on from this and accept it without dwelling and analysing it all? Is there anything I can do to support DH in particular?

OP posts:
Original poster
Dwadle · 14/04/2023 13:31

@SiouxsieSiouxStiletto They don't have social media, neither of them like the concept of it. They got the screenshots of mine because apparently I've some mutual mates that also do not like me, she asks for them to be sent so they can have a bitch.

I'm really confused as to who it is, I don't want to delete my social accounts and I don't want to remove people on hunches.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dwadle · 14/04/2023 13:32

@lazytownie That he doesn't think he will be able to and needs to focus on his wife

OP posts:
lazytownie · 14/04/2023 13:32

I'm really confused as to who it is, I don't want to delete my social accounts and I don't want to remove people on hunches.

Colleen Rooney is your role model.

lazytownie · 14/04/2023 13:34

@lazytownie That he doesn't think he will be able to and needs to focus on his wife

ah well if that's the position, then there's nothing doing. I think you need to reframe it mentally and try to adopt a position of thinking why would you want to be friends with people who don't like you and don't want to be friends with you.

The past is another country as they say.

Whatever went before has had a value but has gone. You should really be trying to channel some anger about how they have behaved so badly without a proper explanation or any kindness.

You'll find new and better friends. Space and time left by them will be filled with other more fun stuff in itme.

Xiaoxiong · 14/04/2023 13:35

I don't understand why your DH wasn't angry when he heard what his "mate" said! Why would he ever want to be friends with someone who makes fun of his family behind their backs?

I'd probably block all of your mutual "mates". None of them are mates!!

Original poster
Dwadle · 14/04/2023 13:41

@Xiaoxiong Initially he was shocked, confused and heartbroken, he is angry now and doesn't know how to move on from that.

Thank you all btw, good to just have people to talk to this about. As we do have mutuals, I'm not entirely sure who I can talk to and I can't talk to my family as there's some very upsetting situations going on with illness without adding this strain there.

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usererror99 · 14/04/2023 13:46

What could they possibly be bitching about from your social medial posts though?

TBH I'd be inclined to go through my list of "mutual" friends and look them in the eye and ask them straight what is going on with all of this and what they "know"

marrymeadam · 14/04/2023 13:53

My DP had a best friend of many many years before I came on the scene. We were all friends, his girlfriend was part of it all too, he split with her and met someone else. We all got on really well. He was the first to meet our DD, we bought her wedding dress etc. One day she turned on me and they never spoke to me again. Dp and the friend remained civil for a bit but it took maybe 8-10 years and them splitting up for it to all come out that she had lied about me and he had stuck with her view. he apologised eventually but it was all too late, really good friendships completely ruined because she didnt like how close we all were.

Original poster
Dwadle · 14/04/2023 13:57

@usererror99 I'm trying to not give that thought because it's predominantly family photos like us enjoying a forest hike or when we visited the zoo. Maybe its the photos of my fitness journey, nothing particularly exciting though, just every now and then I put up a selfie with my progress.

@marrymeadam sorry that happened. Seems so odd that people can be like that, I can only suppose it's because it triggers something and they need to create distance and that's how they know to do it

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StopFeckingFaffing · 14/04/2023 14:03

I can't believe the man actually told your DH that his wife likes to laugh at screenshots of your social media. That is so weird!

They don't sound like nice people

I might role my eyes at certain things on SM but this is taking it to another level

usererror99 · 14/04/2023 14:17

@Dwadle

Is she overweight perhaps so your fitness journey has put her nose out of joint and so all of this is coming from a place of jealousy?

mybeautifuloak · 14/04/2023 14:22

They invited your dhs parents to the bbq? What do they think about all of this?
Tbh, you knew she was a nasty gossip. It just wasn't about you before. Now you find yourself the target and it's horrible. Perhaps next time don't befriend people who are nasty to others just because you find them Entertaining.

Original poster
Dwadle · 14/04/2023 14:40

@mybeautifuloak I think you slightly skewered that there. That's not why I befriended her and I mentioned it as context for her form. It never came across as malicious though (although perhaps it would be seen as it from others viewpoint) and i never was asked to give an opinion etc but you are right, I should steer clear from people who talk about others. Just she had so many other brilliant qualities, people aren't one dimensional.

And that's what I am reminding myself and attempting to help DH see too, we don't know the layers to this or what's else is going on in their lives.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dwadle · 14/04/2023 14:40

Oh and we don't want to involve the in laws in this @mybeautifuloak They have their own troubles

OP posts:
Original poster
Dwadle · 14/04/2023 14:41

@usererror99 I don't think so, she's beautiful and used to be a PT

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mybeautifuloak · 14/04/2023 20:35

Dwadle · 14/04/2023 14:40

Oh and we don't want to involve the in laws in this @mybeautifuloak They have their own troubles

Sorry. Didn't want to go off piste. I just find it strange that your ex friends would be inviting your in laws when they had already cut you out and were breadcrumbing your dh. They sound like very irrational people and whilst upsetting for sure, once you have realised they are actually pretty odd then you realise it will be impossible to reconcile their actions. Because they are the actions of weird people.

Throughalookingglass · 14/04/2023 20:46

CovertImage · 14/04/2023 12:58

I agree with this. I wouldn't want to be friends with any adult who treats people this way. Plus ghosting by adults - unless abuse is involved - is pathetic, obnoxious and cruel all at once.

Show quote history

I agree with this. And I think her willingness to show you who she is now stems from jealousy of your new home. It started when you bought it and she jeers at your home renovation photos. She is jealous.

It is very hard to move on from a relationship breakdown whether its a partner or close friend but people who talk about others behind their backs even in an amusing way for laughs, will always talk to others about you too.

ClaraBourne · 14/04/2023 20:55

If you've been listening to her gossip about people then its guarnteed you are a subject of her gossip too.

Mary46 · 15/04/2023 08:19

Op sorry for your loss. Friendship thing was hurtful too. It sounds alot of jealousy on her part I think. You best off without her. Not nice though

billy1966 · 15/04/2023 08:44

They both sound like very ugly people.

When she spent evenings with you bitching about her friends, you really shouldn't be the least bit surprised that she bitches about you.

People who bitch a lot, tend to bitch about everyone IMO.

I think this may well be a blessing.

The husband sounds like a dim twat, telling your husband that his wife now seeks out and mocks your SM posts🙄.

She seems exercised by you, so goodness knows what little green monster is niggling at her.

Support your husband for sure, but I would be telling him that now that you know the truth about them, you are glad not to be wasting more years in their company.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 15/04/2023 08:51

Dwadle · 14/04/2023 14:40

Oh and we don't want to involve the in laws in this @mybeautifuloak They have their own troubles

Do make sure they know what’s going on though.

my relationship with my PIL was nearly scuppered early doors because of something very similar. They’d know the friend since DH was at primary school and his wife about 10 years and were given the impression, by them, that the dwindling get togethers was down to me.

DatingDinosaur · 15/04/2023 09:45

And what have they said to YOU OP? Not what they said to your DH, YOU.

Are you getting this information second hand from your DH? The cynic in me is wondering if your DH is the one telling them to back off and making out its their decision.

Just putting this thought out there but perhaps your DH hasn’t come to terms with the loss of your son as well as you think and he’s actually the one pushing them away because of their new baby and making out (to them) its you who can’t cope.

Original poster
Dwadle · 15/04/2023 13:15

DH showed me the messages, we are pretty open in communication and he was letting me know how confused he was and how he is sorry.

The woman did message me after DH spoke to the guy saying fuck off and that she thinks I'm pathetic and wants nothing to do with me ever again or DH.

I know as I write this it reads that I've done something but I don't know what. I did ask her but she simply replied "fuck off" and blocked me

OP posts:
Greenfairydust · 15/04/2023 13:50

''@Dwadle
The reason given to DH was that the wife no longer likes me and she now enjoys sharing screenshots of my social media and gossiping about it with her friends. ''

She somehow became jealous of you and pushed her partner to cut off the friendship. Sounds rather pathetic of her.

I lost my best friend of 12 years recently. I was also suddenly given the silent treatment for no reason. Very hurtful.

You sound like a decent person and you deserve better friends than this this petty woman and her partner who was too weak to tell her to stop being a cow.

usererror99 · 15/04/2023 14:18

For such an aggressive reply from her it must be something significant that she's got the wrong end of the stick of? Especially if you were so close before? To be honest I'd be having it out with her face to face. You're all adults and you have nothing to lose. Oh and I'd stop the parents going round theirs for cosy little BBQs

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