porn and internet dating

[scaredwife]

Have just found out that dh has been looking at porn for god knows how long. Ok that is one thing. What is worse is that there are internet dating sites on the files in his browsing history and some of them are recent. He denies this vehemently, saying that these porn sites cause these other sites to appear on the history. Obviously I am dubious - particularly as payment for one of them is on his credit card statement. He looked completely stunned when I asked him about it. I have to say, I would give him an oscar if he is lying. I don't know what to think tbh.

I find it scary how easily men can compartmentalise their lives.

Tbh, the men I've met haven't been all that great. One gorgeous one, who turned out very quickly to be an arse! But was very nice to look at

There's a man I'm dating now, who's a bit older, who I really thought it could work with. But on getting to know him he let me down really badly. We ended things a few weeks ago, and now he's trying hard to change, saying he'll do anything to keep me. But tbh I don't want him to change, if we're not compatible as we are then so be it. Forcing people to change into something they're not could never work could it.

He knows where he stands now and that I don't want anything serious, but at the same time I do throw myself into my 'relationship' with him (whether that is a date/night out/ night on the sofa watching tv!) because he makes me feel special and it takes my mind off things. But I know I'm not dealing with things well, even though I'm trying to be very honest with him

As for ds, he is devoted to his dad, who in reality, is a great dad. I find that he doesn't ask for daddy when he's not there though. He just gets so excited when we're going to see daddy and then they have lovely times together
I'm dreading it if he starts to cry for his dad when we leave though. He cries for me, but not so much for H. I think they adapt pretty quickly tbh. As long as they have the love from both sides I think that's what matters.

And it is scary how easily my H put his life into 2 compartments. I don't think he ever considered either side when he was with the other person. Just himself. I used to ask 'but did you think of me and how I would feel' and he'd just say no, I didn't think about that at all, just what I was doing at that time.
That's why you're right, you do have to put you and ds first, because he can't do that for you.

It definitely is the biggest kick in the teeth when you are willing to try and they throw it back in your face. As if your heart's not broken enough, they have to then step all over it to finish the job
I think I forgave him so many times and tried so hard because

• I never wanted ds to come from a broken home and go through what I went through
• I made the promise 'for better for worse' and meant every word
• I believed I'd be happier with H than anyone else out there (in our 14 years together I never met anyone who came close to him and I never ever wanted anyone else)
• I believed we had enough love and enough of a bond to get through anything. Kept telling myself he's only human and we all make mistakes.

Sadly he didn't appreciate any of that and does not have the same values as me. i'm not sure I'll ever come to terms with that

I think you're much further on than I was at your stage. You're doing amazingly well.

God Baffy, I felt so sad reading that. I identify with so much of it. I came from a broken home too - whereas dh had parents who stayed together and were very close. I thought/hoped this gave our child a better chance. I so know how you feel. I have never met anyone who comes close to dh either. However, I am damned if I will stay with him just because I don't think I deserve better. My self-esteem has taken a battering but I still have some pride left and I know how I deserve to be treated. I am not ugly and I am not wanting in the virtue department. I have as good a chance of meeting someone decent as anyone. I'm sorry your partners so far have not measured up Do you think you will always compare them to dh? That scares me (well obviously I'm referring to the dh he was 2 years ago rather than the sleazebag who has taken over). Not so much invasion of the body snatchers as invasion of the morality snatchers. I hope you meet someone worthy of your obvious attributes and integrity and I hope you and your ds can be happy. Thanks again for all your support

Scaredwife. You need to maybe take a day out to yourself and see if you can make a decision. I know everyone will support you what ever you decide.

Like you say you need to do it for yourself and now just because of your child. You are a very smart woman and will make the right choice for you.

Thanks shortandsweet - not smart enough to catch him out earlier, but thanks nonetheless

I keep wondering what made me check up on him. I remember the computer crashing and only the system administrator could log on (dh) so I rang him for the password. He gave it to me but there was just something different in his voice (can't quite describe it)and he rang me back straight away to say "you're gonna log out and into your log on aren't you". It got me wondering. I wasn't going to check but something made me look. I didn't check his email but I checked the system files and was utterly shocked to find all the porn (not soft porn) and the times he had been accessing it and how long it had been going on for without my knowledge. Then I saw the dating site so I looked at the credit card statements and found a payment to them. He denied the dating site. The next day I did some more checking. Fortunately he hadn't changed the password to his email so I was able to check sent mail and bulk mail. There I found the evidence. Everything else I know is from dragging the truth from him. I would probably make a good detective now. But how sad, to be reduced to someone who checks up on their dh.

I've been living in bed since saturday. Feel like a right slob, but there just seems no point in getting up.

Thanks for the kind words scaredwife, fwiw I don't regret trying for one minute. I know I can live with myself knowing I did everything I could.

Sadly I do think I compare people to H (the old H!), but as my mum says, when I meet the right person, I won't compare anymore, because when I don't have any doubts, and someone treats me right, there will be no comparison!

You sound very much like me. And I'm glad you know you're worth so much more. It's now completely up to you what you want, and you take as long as you need to make that decision xx

Go and do something for your self tomorrow that you know that will bring a smile to your face.

I felt slightly better last night. Dh and I had a long chat. I told him he could access this thread so he did, and he agreed with all the comments - bet you're all glad to know that But I think it has been useful for him to see exactly how I am feeling because I can't talk to him for long enough to get all of that across.

I woke up today though feeling just as crap and started crying again. Crying before breakfast is not good. Mind you, not that I've even had breakfast the past few days. Since Friday night (where somehow I managed to eat most of my meal when we went out)I've eaten 2 bowls of cereal and half a plate of rice/tuna. Yet only 2 1b weight loss Surely I at least deserve to get skinny out of this experience! I know that my metabolism will probably crash though because I am eating way too little and my activity level is not exactly great right now. I'm going to try and go swimming later and maybe have a look around the shops afterwards (advice heeded shortandsweet).

Anyway ladies, that's all for now.

You are crying becuase your mind is trying to heal the hurt. It's good to cry and there will be a time when your all cried out.

Hope you have a lovely day out today and try to relax.

Going for a swim now Back later.

hello again just wondering how you are doing - glad you have levered yourself out of bed, things seem brighter when you can get out and have some time to yourself so hope you enjoyed your swim.

i was interested to read your post about what made you check - i was the same when i looked at the internet history, it almost felt like i was just passively doing it without any ourpose...don't know what made me do it but i found exactly the same sort of stuff and it was deeply hurtful. I don't know if you have already done this (and sorry if this is not helpful) but I checked my DP's mobile phone and there was more of the same on there -there are chat rooms you can use to '121' people and he had several female 'contacts', not nice looking girls at all which was interesting but they must have had something to offer that i couldn't i suppose!!

We have stayed together but i must say that i still hate him for it sometimes and i still resent him for turning me into someone suspicious and mistrustful.

there is still a big part of me that feels a bit numb to him which is very sad as i loved him very openly before i found out about that bit of him.

Hello - have name changed. A weak attempt at humour. I think my madness has reached the delirium stage and I am actually finding humour in the whole thing. How sick is that! Like how I wish someone had video-taped the look on his face when I phoned him and work, confronted him with the evidence and told him I knew!

Well I did go swimming. It felt better to get out - thanks for the encouragement. There was a fit bloke blatantly ogling me so that helped loads Despite all the tears my libido has not dwindled - which is frustrating because obviously I am not letting dh anywhere near me. Would men in a similar situation have such scruples? Er-

Ara - ikwym. It is horrible the thought that I will never really trust him fully again. When you are with someone for 18 years and they cheat on you after 17, it is hard to be hopeful for the future. Kind of makes me feel that it's not as if we could even get to a certain point and things will be ok. He installed nannynet today and I have been made a network administrator as well so I will see everything he looks at. I suppose I worry because there are other methods of living a secret live eg phone, separate email account etc. We live in an age where there are so many mediums of communication - if someone wants to do this sort of thing, there will always be temptations.

The therapist called him today. He sat on the floor crying after the call ended. I wanted to hug him but I couldn't. I passed him a tissue, walked into the next room and got myself one too. Wouldn't it be great to publish mumsnet diaries on adultery. I bet they would be just as compelling as any book on the shelves of Waterstones.

Ara I did check his phone. Found nothing. He has got that chat facility though but it was all empty. He denies using his phone for anything sinister - but could've wiped it for all I know.

Well it sounds like he is making a big effort to show you he wants to regain your trust - my DP is still very defensive about his indiscretions which is partly why i remain bit touchy about it all - he and i disagree on whether or not he was unfaithful (I believe that his engaging with someone else on that level means he betrayed me and our relationship very clearly - he seems to think it was the equivalent of talking to a computer and magically getting something back - no feelings involved ).

I don't think it's impossible to have hope for the future. I'm a fairly positive person and i think the day i stop having hope for DP and i will be the day i walk away. 17 years is a long time and what a huge dent he has made in your relationship, but people are weak and temptation is everywhere - if your DH wants to carry on in this vein he probably can do, as you say, but the difference will be that you will be on red alert for a long time after this, and i think if it happens again you will just know in yourself.

What an awful position to be put in, i really feel for you.

I am delighted you got leered at in the swimming pool though, bet that perked you up a bit!

I don't know if I want to be on red alert. However, I suppose even if I split up with him, I will probably be suspicious of another partner now Cos if he could do this, anyone could. Not saying that all of you are at risk - just explaining how I see it in terms of future relationships.

Ara - I agree with you. Your dh was being unfaithful by going on that dating site. Not as unfaithful as shagging another woman obviously - but unfaithful nonetheless.

I am torn as to what to do. I get brief glimpses of optimism where I think ok it's gonna be hard work but maybe we can do this, then when I actually replay it in my head or write down what has happened (as I did to a friend - couldn't face ringing)it seems so totally out of the question.

Tis me again with yet another name change. I'm going to leave this thread soon but just wanted to say thanks for all your support and advice. I think it's decision time now so I have to do that alone. I asked dh to move into the spare room. He acted as though I had stabbed him with a dagger. What did he expect? I need some privacy. I've been getting into bed fully clothed. How long can that continue? Anyway, at least I am in bed at a decent time tonight. I met a friend for lunch today. It was good to get out. She's been very supportive. Goodnight ladies.

I can sympathise. but here's always a silver lining. I was told by my Canadian colleague a US website called Ashley Madison is supposedly a scam with most of its members fakes.
And of course with these type of aggressive sex-selling things is they always come with viruses!
I would think twice about opening his favourites without a special checker. (wink)