porn and internet dating

[scaredwife]

Have just found out that dh has been looking at porn for god knows how long. Ok that is one thing. What is worse is that there are internet dating sites on the files in his browsing history and some of them are recent. He denies this vehemently, saying that these porn sites cause these other sites to appear on the history. Obviously I am dubious - particularly as payment for one of them is on his credit card statement. He looked completely stunned when I asked him about it. I have to say, I would give him an oscar if he is lying. I don't know what to think tbh.

sorry for you scaredwife

been there with the porn etc., still going on. sorry you're havng all this shit.

So sorry you are going through this.
I too have experience of this (porn, friendfinder site, an "emotional" affair with one girl) so i understand the feelings you are going through.

if i can be of any help, plse let me know

annie

Thanks annie. How did you get through it?

I am of evertheoptimist - think it is dh. How shallow, trying to influence my opinion.

Oh ever I am sorry - just saw your other message and it is obviously not dh. Sorry about that. I have become so suspicious and paranoid now.

Gosh, no - I am 100% female and just trying to see some hope for you because I am feeling unsure of my own relationship (but for different reasons). Sorry if you thought I was trying to influence you. It's my first day on this site so maybe I should read more postings before I give my opinions! I hope things work out for you.

No evertheoptimist - you have nothing to apologise for. It's me who was wrong. I jumped to conclusions because I'd left this thread open on the computer and dh went on it not long after to type a long letter vowing to change yadah yadah

Scared wife, i can relate to some of the things you are feeling particularly about that aff site. s2bxh reckons it is a social networking site, i reckon it's just trouble. why is this society so hellbent on living out their fantasies?11 fantasies should remain fantasies. its just so destructive

I am so sorry you are going through this

Agree absolutely Citronella. Scared wife, my heart bleeds for you. Been there and wouldn't wish it on my enemy. If you love him, please don't throw him out too hastily. It is not necessarily easier on your own. Is a repaired vase better than no vase at all? Only you can decide. I wish you strength to cope with it all.

Crap analogy, but you know the vase is ming and not asda smartprice, right?

I don't know. He has gone to get tested today. Also he has made contact with a therapist. I feel better with him not here.
Our ds is so wonderful and I just feel so so sad. He was a bit disturbed by the atmosphere and kept asking for group hugs He is only 3 ffs. I wish this thread could be shown to every twunt who gets hooked on this shit, so they can see what they are doing their so called loved ones and stop before they go one step further and actually act out their fantasies.

Sorry I disappeared after my earlier messages - i've just scanned through this - you poor thing what an awful discovery to make. I did join the same site and just kept checking the history on the computer -what really angered and hurt me about my DP was that his indiscretion completely undermined my self confidence and turned me into someone who wanted to snoop and check up on him. What a horrible thing to do to someone you 'love'.
We now have a ten week old DD and I know that if i come across anything else of the same nature i will be offsky. there's no way i will stay if there is a next time. she deserves better, even if i don't.
i feel so sad for you and your DS, this must be a very difficult time for you - stay strong and don't cave in to all the dreadful feelings you must be experiencing.

i also think the messages from citronella and littlewoman are good advice - i genuinely don't think my DP realised the scale of the damage he was doing joining that site. But then again as far as i know he has not bonked anyone else (think I would do something terrible to him for that)

I am doing something terrible to him. I told him I hate him, he repulses me, I want to meet someone else who will make me feel good about myself again, I won't let him do anything for me........won't let him talk other than to answer the questions I keep firing at him. He cried today. I can see what a state he's in but it's no comfort. I am now actually worried that he might do something stupid (can't bring myself to say the word)so I now have that worry too on top of everything else. As for revenge such as chopping off his todger etc - doesn't appeal. Plus I don't even want to see it! I threw water at him and clumped him around the head (have never hit him before). Tbh the most terrible thing I could do to him would be to separate from him. I think he would gladly lay down and let me kick the shit out of him if he thought it would prevent that.

As for infidelity - I am so shocked I didn't know. There were such few signs. The only one I can think of is that he would come home from a night out and would be really late (eg 4am) but on the other hand I know there are late bars in London. It went on for a year. If that could happen without my knowledge (and whilst we were still playing happy families/having sex/ttc)then how do I ever trust anyone again? It's not as if he had a personality transplant or anything like that. He was still loving and told me he loves me, we sat up talking about how lucky we were with our lot in life - the things we had achieved, our gorgeous ds etc. He appeared to still desire me and initiated sex. It wasn't different to how it used to be eg he wasn't rough or anything like that. The only thing that possibly changed is he used foreplay much less. Sorry if tmi but maybe it will help someone else notice the warning signs.

Ara - just sneaked a look at your profile. Your dd is beautiful

What annoys me is that these men who are married and look at porn or cheat are COWARDS.
If they do it because they are not satisfied with their wife, they should just say and if they cannot discuss problems and how they feel then it is THEIR problem. I do not stand for it and if I ever find out anything with my hubbie porn or whatever else, he will lose me, but I would not care quite frankly, as it means I can do better.

It is the men that do not talk openly about their relationship and fantasies, and just sneakily open a porn mag when the wife is away, that turns me off big style.

I also find porn the equivalent of cheating anyway. If they are happy to jerk themselves off looking at some blonde 19 year old, then they may aswell find on e in my opinion.

In my experience men are wierd creatures and this porn fantasy stuff is really common - it is always very hard to believe that the man you are with would never do such things..without trying to make a sweeping statement I am sad to say most men ARE like this

Again, if I ever find anything, I will finish the relationship for sure - I would then be perfectly happy living without one, as a previous relationship ended in a similar fashion. For it to happen twice would be enough for me to decide I can do without men

IKWYM Beckie. The affair lasted a year. The porn started a year before that. He wasn't into it before that. Something changed/went wrong - he developed a sickness/addiction and got totally caught up in it all. The porn, affair, lies........happy families etc all part of the same terrible sickness. I say that because a man would have to be really really wicked to do such things in their right state of mind. Much as I am bitterly disappointed and disgusted with him right now, I do not believe that he is a wicked person. I have to separate the behaviour from the person. I refuse to believe that he is reduced to this. However that is not to say that I will stay with him.

scaredwife I can completely relate to what you are saying and the emotions you're feeling. My H has lied to me for the past 18 months, had an affair with a 19 year old girl, done anything and everything to do what he wants, and lived a double life keeping me, and his OW 'happy'. (I use the word happy very loosely!)

I can't yet come to terms with the fact that the man I know and love could do this to me. It seems like in some way, his desire to have this affair and live out his fantasy removed his ability to think rationally and honor the promises he made to me and the committment he made by bringing our ds into this world.
But at the same time, his lies were so calculated, so well thought out, that this 'temporary insanity' doesn't really wash with me. Because if he had the ability to lead this double life, and the strength to lie in bed next to me and lie to my face, then there is a part of that man that I just don't know. And how anyone can treat someone they 'love' with such little respect, just baffles me.

I don't believe they are wicked either.
Just selfish and insular to the point that they don't have the ability to consider anyone but themselves.

Whether or not someone can change that pattern of behaviour, perhaps with counselling, I don't know. Thing is, they have to want to change, and at least that is what your dh wants. Sounds like he's had the shock of his life and is prepared to do anything and everything to put this right.
(I'd have given anything for my H to be in that frame of mind when I found out about him - all I got was the self pity crap - 'I'm such a bad person, I'm not surprised you hate me, you can do better' etc!)

Only you can decide if he's worth the risk and give him the chance to put this right. People make mistakes, horrendous ones sometimes, it's how they learn from it and put things right that matters.

Don't make any decisions now while it's so raw. And keep talking here. There will always be support, whatever you decide.

Hi Baffy. Really sorry to hear you're going through something similar . How did you find out? Was it a recent discovery? Maybe he hasn't faced up to what he's done yet? I found out on Friday and it wasn't really til yesterday that he started to talk some sense. On Thursday night (great valentines present)(after I'd discovered the porn habit and the internet dating) he sat on the floor saying "I've got problems etc" which obviously angered me greatly - though was still denying the internet dating at that point.

I do think that men who do this sort of thing have low self-esteem/fragile egos and need constant boosts from others - which I feel is very and not at all like the man I married. It's a mid 30's crisis.

I hope your dh (if it's not too late)starts to talk sense and take responsibility for his actions. I haven't decided what to do yet but he is initiating all the help etc - clinic, therapy etc.

By the way, I really identified with your post. Keep posting so we can help each other through this. How old are your dc?

Ara, littlewoman, Baffy, WiiMii, citronella, drlurker, notdoingthehousework, victoriansqualor, mamasara, cestlavie, duchesseofnorks charliechaplin and everyone else - thank you so much for your posts. You really have helped me and I'm sorry if I didn't respond to you all individually.

Hi, I have a ds who is 2.5

I first found out about H's affair about 12 months ago now. I had a long running thread on here in my old name (mylittlestar). We were moving house, sold our old house, and before he'd sign on the new one, just announced he was leaving and left me and ds at my mums, with no home, not knowing what had happened!
Since then we have tried on a few occasions to get back together and sort things out, and each time I have found out that he has still had the OW in the background!

I finally got the strength to walk away last August, and have been dating a bit since then. (Whole other thread!)

After missing him horrendously, we had a few heart to hearts in January, and discussed possibly trying again a few weeks ago.
I then found out that he was still with OW! He ended things with her just last week, and for revenge she contacted me and told me everything.

Pretty much everyone knew they were together but me.

It's a long story. I won't hijack your thread. But he has pretty much been living this double life for almost 18 months now. And I was so desperate to believe he just made a one off mistake, that I kept allowing him back into my life. I wanted to believe him so I did. Even though he showed no actual signs of taking the steps to put things right. All the effort, all along, has come from me.

This latest revalation has killed me.
But it's given me the wake up call I needed to realise it would have never worked as he didn't want it as much as me. He wanted me. But on his terms. And that included the OW.
(I've been really naive and pretty stupid really!)

I think the major difference for me, is that my H never ever admitted how wrong he was and never went out of his way to put things right. He wanted me, but he wanted her too. Whenever I found out about another lie, all I'd get was how sorry he was, how he was a bad person, and how I could do better than him and he doesn't blame me for hating him. It was reverse psychology. Because I'd then go out of my way to make him feel better, make him feel special and not like the worst person in the world, and he'd get away lightly! I'd end up being the one comforting him! I've really had to learn the hard way!

But like I said, I'd have given anything for him to have the reaction that your dh has had and gone to whatever lengths it took to win me back and rebuild the trust.

That's why I think you two do have a hope of getting through this.
Also the fact that you have shown your dh from day 1 that you are not, under any circumstances, going to be treated like that. I think you're doing exactly the right thing. And he, in return, is doing exactly what I'd expect - pulling out all the stops to get you back.

You have the control now and the ultimate choice is yours. He'll be one very lucky man if you do give him the chance to put this right. And I think he knows it!

I was mamasara82 - scaredwife do you think you would try and forgive him and make a go of it?

I know people on here tell you to leave him but if I was in the same position I think I would be trying to give it a go. You do what you feel is right in your heart.

Hope you get through this soon.

Hi shortnsweet,I know he is trying but I feel so much pain. It is hard to imagine ever not feeling like this. He just got back from the clap clinic. The swab is clear so at least hopefully my m/c was not caused by clammydia (?sp).The blood results are due next week. He has done the cleaning/washing, gone shopping. Such a dutiful husband.

Baffy my ds is a year older - so it is a very similar situation except that he says he no longer wants the OW. However, I can't believe a word he says anymore unfortunately.

I am so sorry to hear what you've been through and the fact that you were willing to give it a go makes it all the harder. He really does not deserve you.

How did your ds cope with it all? Was he devoted to his dad? My ds is devoted to dh so would be distraught if our family broke up. However, I have to think of myself too. He hasn't been doing much of that has he.

baffy I think I may have looked at that thread/even posted on it (in my usual name). What a terrible time you've been through Have you met any decent men since? I know you said you were thinking about getting back with dh til recently, but was just wondering if any of the men you dated were decent. I know it is easy to meet men for sex, a good relationship is another thing altogether. I had that for 16-17 years so it's really hard to think about starting again.