I'm in a living hell right now. I can't eat, can't sleep, have a painful lump in my throat. I feel sick but can't vomit as there is nothing there to come up. I've got a permanent headache. The worst thing is that every time I look at ds I see him - I can hardly bear to look at him I am in a total mess. I'm supposed to be working today but obviously can't. I feel like handing in my notice but the mortgage needs to be paid. I can see myself going on ADs - after struggling without them throughout all of last year's trauma.
He admits he has a problem with porn. Finally getting some truth out of him. He did join the dating site (friendfinder) so he could have sex chat with real women as opposed to looking at porn stars. He said he never met any of them, but then he probably would've struggled to - given that he was knocking off the work colleague (he wasn't going out that regularly iyswim). Also found out he has been to a lapdancing club (yeuch)
He wants to get help and is desperately trying to make amends. How do you make amends for this kind of betrayal. Someone said earlier I must be pretty marvelous to be able to go out after finding out such info, well yes I actually think I am a very brave person and I have a lot of dignity. However, I don't know how this disaster can be repaired.
He reckons he can change (this perversion has developed over the past 1-2 years)and go back to being the amazing man I met/married I believe he wants to but is that enough? He has deleted everything from the computer, kindly leaving me the hotel itinerary in case I want it as evidence eg for divorce. He is willing to get counselling , change job and go for STD investigations (though he promises they used condoms). It makes me sick to think that he could've impregnated me (we had sex recently during my fertile period). At the same time I am mourning not being able to try for another. It's what I've wanted for so long. I feel gutted for me and for ds - who would love a sibling. I can't stop crying. I look awful. Red, puffy eyes and a snotty nose. We had so much to look forward to, e.g. ds starting school this year, maybe a pregnancy, a family holiday to the caribbean next year. All that is so elusive now. I've called him a few choice words (including one that I never use). I asked him to leave, but he won't. He is scared that it will make it final - plus there is the awkwardness of his family finding out that he is not quite the Mr Wonderful they thought he was.
I wish I could wake up from this awful awful nightmare. I just wanted to say thanks to all of you for your supportive words. I'm also sorry for those of you who have been through similar (re.the porn discovery). I have to hope that I will not always feel the way I do now and that eventually things will get better. That day seems so far away right now.