porn and internet dating

[scaredwife]

Have just found out that dh has been looking at porn for god knows how long. Ok that is one thing. What is worse is that there are internet dating sites on the files in his browsing history and some of them are recent. He denies this vehemently, saying that these porn sites cause these other sites to appear on the history. Obviously I am dubious - particularly as payment for one of them is on his credit card statement. He looked completely stunned when I asked him about it. I have to say, I would give him an oscar if he is lying. I don't know what to think tbh.

well presumably he has reported the fraudulent use of his credit card to the card company and put the payment in dispute?

He is bullshitting. Sorry.

a while ago i went through the exact same situation, i found out cos he left his email open on pc, was absolutely devastated, was pregnant at the time 2, believed all his excuses and explanations, im 2 laid back and trusting for my own good (doormat at times) think i was scared of bein alone havin a baby really, were fine now though, couldnt be happier, forgiven but not forgotten!!!

He's lying.He was so stunned at what you said because he couldn't think up another excuse fast enough.
Sorry you are going through this.

Zippi makes a good point. Tell him that clearly if it's fraudulent he should report it to the police and the credit card company (letting him know, of course, that false reporting of a crime is a criminal offence itself). If he is innocent he should have absolutely no problem with that. Make sure you sit next to him whilst he phones them as well (put the phone on loudspeaker!)

If I may say, i think one key point has been overlooked here. The OP says she actually found her DH's advert/profile on one of the sites. If I have understood this correctly, he is clearly guilty as charged. Looking at porn is one thing, registering on a website which sets out to meet others is a very different - and more important - issue. Yes, there is lots of CC fraud online but it seems that such excuses do not hold water if the DH has actually posted a profile on a dating website.

If for any reason I have misunderstood this and he has not actually posted a personal profile on a dating website, there are indeed a number of different scenarios (technical/ fraudulent and other) which may have led to this course of events and they are not all necessarily what they seem (although the opposite is of course true too).

If however he really has posted a profile, as I say, he is probably guilty as charged.

If this is the case, maybe you will need to get to the bottom of what he was hoping to get out of these sites (real life meet ups or just play acting/time wasting of others) and what was behind his need/desire to do so.

If there have been other frauds associated with this particular site then it becomes rather more likely that your DH is not lying: porn/dating sites are quite popular with fraudsters as they do not, after all, want to pay for the usage themselves.
It's up to you how much you believe him and it will depend on how good/bad things are between you otherwise, as well as how much of a big deal sexual exclusivity is to you (people vary in how much this matters to them). Talk it through with him carefully and as calmly as possible before making any drastic decisions.

a normal person would be concerned to find someone had used their credit card details ..i don't know when the payment was but you have the chance to report it and get the money back

and change the card

in fact you have a duty to report it under credit card terms i believe

i actually thought most of the dating money frauds were scams with vulnerable women and nigerian payment things

ah thanks WiiMii, I mis-read that totally, thanks for putting me straight. In that case, I would say to the OP that there are some things which may have happened here. Obviously her DH has been looking at porn and only she can know how she feels about that and how big an issue it is for her. These porn site do indeed bring up a whole range of pop-ups, sometimes dozens and these pop-ups stay in the browsing history. Some sites do also reel you in by offering a free trial, in return for a credit card number to verify you are over 18, and they make money by people forgetting to cancel their "membership" before the free trial (usually a few days long) runs out. This could be what happened here, especially as DH only paid one payment. He may have seen he had been had and then made sure he cancelled the relevant site. Also, just one other rider - if and when you do actually pay for these websites, it is very rare that they actually appear on your statement as "subscription to bigboobs.com". The same is true for any online purchases for adult products, like sex toys. They normally use a banal name like "payment to Internet Corp inc" so the OP would need to be 100% sure that the payment she has seen turn up on DH's statement really did relate to a porn site. As has been suggested before, if he was so worried about it, he would surely have lost his statement.

Bottom line is this could be everything the OP fears and it also may not be and DH's reaction may be one of trying to hide a major misdemeanor but also could be one similar to a child being caught with his hand in the jam pot.

I don't think the act of leaving his statement lying around means he's less likely to be guilty tbh, I know a man (not a friend, just an acquaintance) who thought he was being really clever by leaving his statements and phone bills lying around as he thought if his girlfriend saw them lying around she'd think he had nothing to hide and so wouldn't loook at them. In his case it worked too. Lyers are very clever.

I have just found evidence that he shagged a work colleague last year. Fucking bastard. What a shit pathetic excuse for a man. 3 m/c last year and we were trying for another. I am angry, shocked and distressed. I don't know how to move on from this. What a fool I've been. I have to go out now with ds but I'll pop back later.

oh scaredwife you poor thing...

What a twat! So sorry you're having to go through this scaredwife.

How did you find out scaredwife??? What a creep.

So cruel-thinking of you.

Really sorry

Oh you poor thing. What an absolute ba*%&rd. I hope you know you don't deserve this sort of treatment and will be better off without him.

Oh my, how awful.
Sdly I think the sex with a colleague makes the dating site insignificant, and his lies, well, obviously lies.

what evidence?

yes the shagging is rather worse than the other things

but how did you find out

emails or something?

You poor thing. What a bast*rd. I know it's going to be very hard for you to either forgive him or kick him out. Which ever you do my thoughts are with you.

Aww so sorry to read that.. thinking of you..