Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 8

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of mixed NT/ND partnerships. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong)

Link to previous thread

@Pinkstar100 sorry to hear you're going fhrough this, and at risk of sounding totally mercenary, would it not be better to bite the bullet and separate now, before he quits work and be seen as a financial dependent of you?

I really hope that people read these threads and see the same behaviours repeating over and over. The loneliness is the thing I see most often. Health problems too. There is a cost to staying in these relationships. Many of us were 'the special interest' at the start and didn't see the real person until after the wedding. At that point we were essentially checked off on the to do list and the hyperfocus moved back into more comfortable territory.

@MichelleScarn oh gosh I hadn't thought about that, that's a good point. I was thinking I would need to have up a year to get my plans in place for leaving but maybe things need to move a bit faster.

@SquirrelSoShiny yes, the loneliness has been indescribable. I have cried myself to sleep for years feeling so desperately lonely and unloved. Whenever i tried to broach the subject with DH he would either look confused or get annoyed. Health problems too - I have had chronic fatigue for years, and now get palpitations whenever I am around DH. My body is saying it is time to leave even though my mind is struggling with it.

Yes the loneliness is soul destroying

I hadn’t thought of myself as the hyper focus in the early days. That rings so true.

@BlueTick thank you for your message. I am sure your position of having a workaholic DH must be so tough too - it seems like there is no balance, either working all the time or not working at all!

Re your questions - yes we are married. I think DH could take his pension at 60 and it would be around £30k a year - if we split up I guess I would get half of that, so £15k. I don't have my own pension. I didn't work for years - I tried, but things were so stressful at home, and DH refused to share any of the childcare/domestic work at home, so I stopped working.

I have just got a new job which starts soon, salary is around £18k, so not really enough to support the children and I. My DH is a high earner, but as I say, I have no idea if he is planning to go back to work or not. I know he doesn't want to at all, and is happy relaxing at home all day. Finances are complicated as we have some equity in our current house, and also equity in another business property that I don't think we can sell for a while - aaargh, if only it were more straightforward! That's good advice to find a solicitor - I will have a look for one.

What you said here "If DH suddenly sat around at home all the time I couldn’t cope. I find too much time around him unbalances me. I can’t think straight and I find I’m jangled like a bell that can’t stop vibrating." - I relate to so much. Since DH has been off work and sitting around all day, I have become so stressed and depressed. I also can't think straight. It's so difficult to explain to someone unless they have a similar situation, but there just seems to be such a lack of everything - his time, energy, attention, care, empathy. There is no communication, shared goals or team work. His energy totally drains me. It's like living with an angry lodger.

I was thinking I may have to go to the GP for antidepressants.

There is such a conflict in me - the safe option of staying, where there is more financial security, he is "there" in case there is an emergency or problem with the children, he is someone to go to events etc with, he is the childrens' father - and then the unknown option of leaving, where I would feel more freedom, autonomy, and without the stress of being in a totally one way relationship!!

I feel so much for you too, and everyone else on this thread who is in a similar position. Yes, may God give us all strength to find a way forward.

Gosh- so much of this so familiar. It was a special occasion for me recently and so I gave myself a few days off from domestic responsibility. My partner picked none of it up, none. He just sat and researched his special interests. I also went to an event that I was really excited about, which was a bit out of my comfort zone. I was gone for a whole day. When I got back he didn't ask me how I was, how the event was, what it was like, who was there, nothing. I just don't understand.

I am autistic myself and I would NEVER behave like this, I am so interested in people and their lives and love helping out and solving problems together and chatting and making the lives of people around me easier etc.

I usually just get on with it but this really hurt. I agree with PPs who are saying that we need our own time and space, if our partners just take time and space for themselves we need to carve it out to stay sane.

Also the comment about not being able to work as much, because of having to pick up so much slack. Yes this, so much. Leaves us vulnerable as well not having properly been in the workplace for many years.

@BlueTick that's my experience too. The "how was it" is usually non-specific rather than asking specific questions about the day/event, and the last comment of mine kind of wafts off into the ether unnoticed and you know the conversation, such as it was, is over.

Oh yes you have exactly described my experience. Sometimes the perfunctory “how was it” but with no follow up or interest whatsoever. I am so sorry we are all going through this, but it is quite a relief its not just me and maybe i’m not just a completely uninteresting, unattractive bore.

<puts hand up>
yes
yhat was me.

I was dumped on our honeymoon because he had achieved his objective of “get a wife” so he moved onto the next thing “get a house” “sort the garden” “do an extension” “pay the mortgage” “plan retirement”

I have spent 20 years doing everything else. It is lonely and now the kids are leaving home I think it might be time for me to do that too.

there are no objectives beyond retire. He is a workaholic and defined by his role. I don’t think it’ll work

Constantly thinking of leaving.

I need to get my independent finances sorted, which is possible but probably needs a bit of a career shift and I’d need to move out of the expensive city we live in.

however, he is a good man. He’s a disappointing husband but I don’t think he means it. He lashes out and withdraws because he is confused about why I am unhappy; he can’t understand it. He also doesn’t quite see me as a whole person wirh needs and desires of my own. So, I feel a bit like an accessory and staff and uncared for - I have to decide whether that is enough/

I suspect the solution is to stay married and swivel my job to a role with a lot of travel. Invest in a little flat in a town in travelling distance of the new job.

Do you know what really interests me and I can find no info on, is what the other partner WANTS. How do they want things to be, what makes them happy, or is this them being happy??

I'd be happy to work with my partner to find something that worked for us both, but he never says what he is unhappy about, what I could work on myself etc. Do they want us to leave? Do they want things to just stay as they are with no connection?

Yes, @Fidelius ans if I insist that I have feelings and needs he takes it personally as those feelings and needs are WRONG because he does not have them.

if I say “they are mine and they matter” he then gets defensive because he feels criticised beczuse only one of us can be right.

blsck and white thinking, a lack of insight into othwr people and defensive reactions to feeling insecure = unhappy Viv.

@bunhead1979 if I ask him what he wants, what he needs to be happy he answers with “I need you to be happy”. If I ask him how he feels he says “fine” “no, I mean, what is your emotional state?” he says “I don’t know”

he thinks I am only ever happy or angry and his face blindness means he cannot “see” the difference between confusion, sadness, upset, concern, fear - they all look like anger.

it must be disorientating for him.

he has a very neutral face. Little expression, always on guard because he worries that saying the wrong thing will “set you off”. So we are not close - he doesn’t understand me and I cannot teach him. He feels confused and failing and I am lonely and fristtated

@stealtheatingtunnocks my DH is the same. There are only two emotions that seem to exist for him. He told me before that I was always angry when actually I have been hurt, sad, worried, frustrated etc etc

Even when his mum died, he clearly was grieving but struggled to express any emotions.

I occasionally read these threads because I have two (officially diagnosed) autistic sons and because I want to see what is most problematic for (future) partners so I can focus my support.

But I can't really do that because the thread seems to be mainly people who suspect their partner is autistic even though they are not diagnosed. All sorts of behaviours that are seen in NT crap partners are seen to be somehow diagnostic.

My sons get their ND from me (undiagnosed). We are all good people with struggles. Sometimes blind/unaware of response to our words or actions but care to the point of obsession/self-blame/avoidance.

My ex is not really a good person. He is not ND. You have to be NT to be manipulative. You have to have very good social skills.

I think it would help if posters had an understanding of struggles faced by autistic people in general not just in relationships.

If behaviour is only an issue in a relationship but school/university and work and friendships are fine, this may indicate that the undiagnosed person is not autistic but just a run of the mill crap partner. Perhaps the commonalities are shared by crap partners rather than autistic ones.

Masking/playing the good boyfriend until you get the ring on and then dropping the act is very manipulative and suggests a deep understanding of the feelings and emotions of another. Not very autistic.

How often are people special projects? People are too messy.

Is copying (when you are ill) a form of echolia!

It's impossible to differentiate real issues from issues relating to NT partners when the majority are only suspected (by their partners) but not diagnosed. We have no way of knowing whether they would meet diagnostic criteria or whether their behaviour is characteristic.

We do know that experientially, there is a commonality in behaviour but this is not linked to diagnosis.

Has anyone read any good articles about ",fairness" and autism and how to handle it in relationships?.

I am working the election count tonight. I am trying to lie down as much as possible this afternoon/evening because I have a neuromuscular condition that means staying up is going to be very hard physically. So DH is also just lying down on the sofa . Which just isn't workable when we have four children and a dog!

I can't risk not lying down, if I overdo it my condition can be quite dangerous (I lose my ability to swallow for instance). DH knows this. But I think in his brain for things to be fair then (despite my health condition and the fact I will be working all night while he sleeps) if I am lying down then he should be.

@PocketSand my DH is diagnosed autistic. Hope that helps.

@PocketSand thanks for popping by, yes, we know.

Relationships are complex and rely on communication and non verbal cues.

intimate relationships even more so. Legally binding relationships even, even more so.

you assume we haven’t done homework, that’s rude and belittling. This is a thread for support for those in LTR with people who see the world differently from us. Do you have any support to offer?

my comments about my DH stand.