Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 8

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of mixed NT/ND partnerships. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong)

Link to previous thread

Yes I think the same about ADHD too, particularly in women. Society has ideas about how we 'should' be and an autistic husband will see those 'shoulds' and set them in stone. It has actually been deeply damaging to me. Ironically diagnosis helped me not just in terms of understanding myself but it allowed husband to 'compute' the things that were 'wrong' with me against his template of womanhood. But then this became damaging in a different way because none of us are templates.

Ooops posted too soon. I wanted to acknowledge I have my own templates for relationships but lack of connection and intimacy are the killers in relationships. And for all the good qualities my husband brings, I think without that authentic, loving connection it is very difficult to continue a relationship without doing myself substantial harm.

And for all the good qualities my husband brings, I think without that authentic, loving connection it is very difficult to continue a relationship without doing myself substantial harm.
This. Especially because it feels like he can't see what the harm actually is.

I wanted to acknowledge I have my own templates for relationships but lack of connection and intimacy are the killers in relationships

Beautifully put.

Today I feel enormous regret that it all went so wrong. It's taking years to move on, despite a lovely (and patient, ahem) new partner. Secretly sometimes I still wish strongly it could have worked out with ex-H. So much regret.

@SquirrelSoShiny @StopHateAgainstAutisticPeoplee posted many times how DWs autism can mean she has an expectation of a particular course of events, and when things don't go quite the way she is expecting this leads to anxiety and or anger which in turn leads to something more damaging.

I completely identify with everything that's been posted here....

@bunhead1979 I had a similar conversation with my DD who is late teens. She was really upset and feels it's her fault (and her brother's) because if it wasn't for them I could have left him years ago. I was shocked that she felt like that and so bloody guilty for how horrible everything is.

I wish I knew if they'd genuinely be happier if I broke up with DH. I'm so worn down with it all I just can't face selling the house (and much of the house is a complete state because of DH's inability to see anything, he's ended up in his own room now which would give most teenage boys a run for their money).

@ReleaseTheDucksOfWar I really struggle with that idea that I'm not responsible for how he acts. I know intellectually that I'm not and yet it really feels like I am. He comes out with awful things, like recently my DS had a friend around and when the friend's dad came to pick him up we were chatting and DH showed up and made a really insulting comment to the other dad.

Would you possibly know and be able to share the therapist that your friend used? I know it's very cheeky of me to ask and there are probably lots of very good reasons why you'd rather not post details on here so I completely understand if you can't! I'd love to find a good therapist who had really good experience with autism and understanding of how it impacts partners. I've tried different therapists in the past but haven't ever really found it very helpful.

@SquirrelSoShiny I completely agree with what you said about the harm caused to your self by these relationships. Sometimes I find it unbearable thinking about how I was when I was young and all the ways my life could have turned out. Living with him is like living with blocks of concrete attached to every limb, just dragging myself through the day is an accomplishment most of the time and all my energy is taken up with keeping going.

x

I was here a few years ago under another name, worrying about separating from my OH because of his ASD when my adult daughter had just been assessed as ADHD with AS. I found his rigid behaviours and expectations very hard to cope with (although we didn't live together), but didn't want to send my daughter the message that ASD made you unloveable or hard to deal with.

Eventually the end kind of brought itself on. I was hospitalised with quite a severe illness. On my discharge I was at home alone and he bombarded me with texts about a very very minor health problem he was suffering (think a nasty cold). I'd been in hospital for over a week, had a major operation - and he never once asked me how I was, just told me, in great detail, about his rash. So I stopped answering or just gave very neutral answers.

He then told me that we weren't communicating and maybe we ought to call it a day - which was a result!

@SnapCackleFlop it’s hard when you realise kids are more aware than you think. I think on balance my dh is a “good enough” dad. I have friends whos partners are shitter dads just cause they dont really care. Also our situation is complicated and the kids really value material stability - without going in to too much detail i think they value that enough to see rocking the boat would affect their lives quite a lot.

i know what you mean about untangling the responsibility of behaviour, i tied myself in knots about this for years and now i dont bother. He seems very rude, is constantly on his phone when we visit or have guests. Now i dont care or just dont invite him. I dont care what people think of me and it actually strengthens my position. Older more traditional people in the family say “get him to stop doing that” they get a shrug and a death stare.

i am posting as an autistic person myself, i’d love to evade guests, responsibility and stuff but FUCKSAKE you just can’t. Kids need nurtured and heard, and if you want friends and family in your life you need to give them time and attention. It drives me mad that these men are not held to the same account, by society, as women.

Omg lucky escape. When i was dx with a serious illness my partner instantly got an illness which incapacitated him for months. That was when i realised things would never change.

We had been together for eight years! For the first year he masked like crazy and I just thought he was a bit naive and inexperienced (at over 50!) because he'd only ever had one girlfriend. It was only later that more and more of his tendency to want to control every aspect of his life came out but I kept giving him the benefit of the doubt and so much leeway. But it became unbearable when we couldn't go out anywhere because he couldn't leave his dog. Or go anywhere different with the dog, because the dog wouldn't like it. So, yes, breaking up was for the best.

I am also autistic and I'm not a person with autism, I am an autistic person. So I agree with you very much.

I'm not suffering from some god awful condition, it's part of my genetic makeup and it's a huge part of my identity. I prefer, in this case, condition first but I respect every ones choice as others may feel differently about it, but I don't understand why people are dogpiling certain posters like they're telling us how we should feel about what people call us.

@ SnapCackleFlop Would you possibly know and be able to share the therapist that your friend used?

I'm in the Netherlands I'm afraid and she is a dutch-language therapist, or I'd ask her.

@bunhead1979 i am posting as an autistic person myself, i’d love to evade guests, responsibility and stuff but FUCKSAKE you just can’t. Kids need nurtured and heard, and if you want friends and family in your life you need to give them time and attention. It drives me mad that these men are not held to the same account, by society, as women.

YES! Yes, exactly this!

Bunhead I agree with you about family saying things, I have given up feeling embarrassed by a parter who states at his phone and doesn't speak to anyone. I wish people wouldn't ask me if he is OK, why don't they ask him then they might realise that he can't help it and it is a coping strategy and that I have enough to put up with without having to appease everyone else.

@ReleaseTheDucksOfWar yeah, if you assumed I didn’t speak Dutch you were right! 😅. I wish I did though (apart from the fact that I always think the Netherlands would be a great place to live) I’d love to find a therapist or someone who really understood.

Thanks for your help! 😊

yw!

it is a great place to live - direct people, which I have learned to appreciate a lot, high tax but also very high social spending which leads to an overall more balanced and happier society. Overall excellent healthcare (though there are some flaws).

The downside is that the landscape is flat. Oh so flat. After a while your eyes yearn for a bit of height variation and being able to see into the distance. 3 fields is the max here before you see the trees and then it's nothing but sky.

An interesting article.

That’s a very interesting article @Daftasabroom

When it’s somebody talking about it from the inside, instead of cold, clinical, diagnostic language … it’s no wonder I looked at my initial diagnosis and thought that can’t be me, because it was all looking from the outside, not exploring how when X happens you react like Y because of Z […] So yeah, sharing and connecting with community has been really good.

This comment has been standing out for me alongside the idea that both sides need to learn the other ‘culture’ - aka communication is key as well as exchanging what things mean for each of us.
I also think that wo this ‘inside’ understanding, it’s very hard to get how dh functions.

Unfortunately, dh doesn’t talk. :(
I suppose this also means that somehow our marriage was doomed from the start… :(:(

Brilliant article @Daftasabroom

I actually thought the double empathy thing was going to be about being highly sensitive to some distressing situations but I think that probably varies so much person to person.

I've just finished planning my birthday with military precision so it goes well. I have to say all the theatres locally and in London where we're going for the day have been remarkably helpful just from a phone call. We have half price seats to the theatre and are registered for a scheme and were advised on seats that weren't crowdy or neck crane inducing. Then we will repeat the other successful bits from our last trip!

I then collapsed on the sofa with exhaustion and have been helped to bed which is nice. A good day here as we're both communicating our needs. Helped by my wife having a really good day at work. It really does shoe the impact work has on her

I also thought that was a really good article.

I've been a lurker here for a while but finally worked up the courage to post.

Why is life so hard? I'm laying here frustrated because yet again a conversation between my DH with (undiagnosed, but clearly presenting) Autism and suspected ADHD, has turned into an argument.

I am fed up that he tries to control conversations between me and my DC that happen halfway across the house and don't include him. He interrupts, talks over me and generally makes me feel small. It makes me so angry that he refuses to try to understand why interrupting me ALL THE TIME is rude and makes me unhappy.

I am fed up with life being his way or the highway. I'm fed up with being called (directly and indirectly) pathetic or stupid if I have a different POV.

I am fed up with the TV being on EVERY evening - it is his way to self regulate. I get that. BUT when do I get down time to self regulate without the TV on?

I could go on and on. Every relationship is about compromise - ND or NT - and there is no compromise or seeing things from my perspective happening here.

And if I get angry or frustrated about any of this then I'm the one 'making a fuss'.
And if I walk away - i'm the bad guy breaking up the family?

** aware my language at the start isn't adjective first - sorry. i'm just a bit broken.

@Windinmyhair you’re not a bad person if you want to leave a relationship that doesn’t fill your needs.
You’re not a bad person to want to be treated with respect (and talking over you, assuming a different pov is stupid etc… is showing disrespect).

It took me a long time to realise that it’s not because my partner has a SN of some sort that it also means I can’t leave or I should accept everything.
Your needs are worthy. You are worthy. If your marriage means those needs are not filled and your boundaries walked all over, then it’s ok to call it a day and put yourself first.

@Windinmyhair I'm really sorry you're going through this. I completely relate to the feeling that you're the one 'making a fuss' - it's as if by daring to want things to be better (or even bearable) you're the one causing all the problems.

Sadly I don't have any wisdom to share but I know how it feels and I hope things improve for you. 💐

And if I walk away - i'm the bad guy breaking up the family?

In the end it isn't about who the good guy is or the bad guy .

If the relationship is not working for you after you've given it your best, then you aren't the bad guy. It's just not working for you.

Children can be much happier with 2 happier parents apart rather than together and unhappy. There isn't a crystal ball about it, but unhappiness rubs off on the children.

First time posting on here but I resonate so much with this thread.

I've been married to DH for 20 years, we have three children. I am almost 100% sure he is autistic. Over the years there has been so much anger, verbal aggression, control, zero emotional connection, selfishness. Putting his needs first all the time. He has always found work very stressful and now (at the age of 50) has decided to stop work as he says he is burnt out and exhausted. We have some savings, but will need to downsize from our house over the next few years. He seems to have no concept over how him stopping work will affect the children and I, it was just announced.

I have spent 20 years listening to his monologues and problems, getting him to go to counsellors, the GP. I spent years begging him for practical and emotional support but there was none. Any connection we had was because I would reach out to him, give him attention and affection, and then there would be a connection of sorts. But I have realised this pattern now and have stopped doing it. So what happens is that he spends the whole day in his room, ignoring me, listening to the radio or sitting in the garden. There is literally no concept of helping out in the house/garden, or connecting with me or the kids. He's in his own world, and actually seems reasonably content. But i know if I ask him for anything eg his time, energy, emotional connection or finances, he is quick to become stressed and angry.

I am becoming more detached but finding everything so difficult. I have gone to and fro in my mind about the pros and cons of staying or leaving for years but I am feeling more and more stressed and unhappy (now that he is at home all the time) - I really think I'm going to have to leave, although I am so scared of the financial implications, and the effect on the children.

I'm almost 50, but the thought of this being the situation for the rest of my life - I don't think I can do it. But like many other PPs I also feel burnt out and exhausted from the years of being with him.