Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 8

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of mixed NT/ND partnerships. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong)

Link to previous thread

Thanks for the link it was an interesting read and blog. I'm happy for your sake that you're ending the relationship. Don't be like so many of us here.

I am actually reaching the stage of being desperate for freedom whatever the cost. I just want to have some hope of a loving relationship before I get too old. And by loving I mean a relationship where I feel loved.

I'm so glad I'm not alone.
I have friends whose husbands can be similar to mine in many ways, but not on the same level.
It's all become so much harder because we have two ND sons and our youngest is really struggling atm.
I'm their 'safe' person and I'm emotionally and physically exhausted right now and I'm basically doing it alone. I just can't keep doing this.
My husband has agreed to have therapy and is waiting an appointment, but I don't truly believe he's doing it because he wants to, even though I've been crystal clear in my communication to him that it can't be because I suggested it and it must be his decision.
Im just exhausted and actually feel like I'm having some kind of breakdown.

My dh works away, between 2-4 weeks at a time.The whole family dynamics changes. The kids and I are so much more relaxed, I'm not on edge all the time. We have a rhythm that works. When dh is home it's like nobody knows where they fit in and it's all a bit awkward. @BlueTick I know how vital it is for your mental health to get away.
Dh has always worked away and I know that after 25 years it's the reason we are still together.

Just another day:

DW - what's for dinner?
Me - I haven't planned anything yet
DW - but I've been to the supermarket and didn't get anything
Me - I didn't know that, why didn't you let me know?
DW - I told the boys
Me - I've been working and not seen the boys
DW - I told the boys I was going shopping
Me - if I go shopping I always let you know, why didn't you call me?
DW - I told the boys
Me - but not me?
DW - no because I told the boys
Me - but why didn't you talk to me?
DW - because I told the boys
(Now it gets weird)
DW - so you expect me to be a mind reader?

She's now stormed/driven off, I assume to the supermarket. But I promise she will not answer her phone and still blame me for not knowing what she is thinking.

I do 99% of the shopping and cooking, that's what she expects, anything outside of that is meltdown.

To be fair I could have told her I always have a backup meal in the freezer, but after 25 years you'd think she'd have twigged by now.

It’s so frustrating when you say something and they just dont compute.
When we hit those walls, I just stop engaging/trying to be clearer with DH because I’ve never found a way to say things in a way that will make him go ‘Ah! That’s what you meant!’

I think that’s because he is so sure that his way to looking at things or his understanding in the first place of what I wanted to say that he can’t ‘switch’ to another one.

DH and I have spent years discussing how he hates his job, the pressure of being the main breadwinner, etc.
At various points along the way I have suggested we that we downsize, alter our lifestyle, etc. He’s the one that resisted.

The hypomania from earlier this year has put all that in focus. But he can’t have everything (me, the kids, the nomadic lifestyle, only having to think about himself) and can’t work out where to compromise.

And, to be honest, sometimes I can’t work out if it’s life without him or my life turning upside down that’s stopping me.

I often feel like a NT/AS translator or go-between on my family - explaining NT/AS behaviour to each other.

My dad died last month. DH isn't coming to the funeral because he's worried about doing or saying the wrong thing. He liked and respected my dad and says he'll be thinking of him on the day.

I can accept this as I don't want him to feel anxious but I've had to explain this carefully to my family and I'm sure on the day other people will be wondering why he's not there supporting me.

Yesterday I found out my mum's upset that DH hasn't sent any condolence message. When I ask him about it DH texts "Of course I feel heartbroken for her. But I've never understood how my feeling bad is meant to help someone else get through their own trauma." Missing the point that she'd feel better knowing people are thinking of her and remembering him.

I've not pushed him on this as he's under other stress at the moment but it makes me wonder whether he's ever sent any condolences to the families when 2 of his friends died and whether they misinterpret it as him not caring 😢.

So many misunderstandings because of different brain wiring 😟.

• in my family

I thought this was interesting explaining different types of empathy and sympathy

www.verywellhealth.com/do-people-with-autism-lack-empathy-259887

It’s a nice article @LoveFoolMe .

Certainly explains very well some of ds reactions for example. Dh too.

Certainly the ‘Understand the other person's hopes, dreams, and/or expectations’ is a big sticking point for DH. He often just cannot understand where I’m coming from so he assumes I’m wrong for thinking or feeling that way.

I can relate. When my grandmother died we were living in another country. I so desperately needed support from dh, but he sort of patted me on the back, gave me a sad face, then carried on. I ended up going home alone as dh didn't really think he could take the time off.
Through the years, deaths, infertility, cancer, injuries etc (life basically) I have stopped showing any kind of vulnerability in front of dh as his inability to comfort me just adds to whatever pain I'm feeling.
His total lack of sympathy or empathy towards anything me or the kids are going through just pisses me off now.
I actually resent dh now for not being emotionally available to us, and feel guilty and somehow responsible for his lack of support. So, it doesn't matter Why he is the way he is, it has an effect on the people around him.

Yes it feels like being unloved. So it doesn't matter if they say they love us (at crisis points when I'm on the verge of walking out the door) it feels like not being loved or even seen as a real human with needs.

gosh @Ohdostopwafflinggeremy your post hit me hard, that is exactly my experience. A pat on the back and a sad face, then I can just sense he is wishing I would just "be better". I have a really bad incurable health condition which affects me on a day to day basis and was in for chemo recently and I got so little sympathy, attention, concern, ANYTHING, I was almost convincing myself my health "wasn't that bad", it was almost like I was gaslighting myself, like I was just "being dramatic" about it. Often in these situations I have to imagine someone else in my shoes and think what I would feel if it was a friend - concern, offer support both emotionally and practically, just demonstrate love and care, I can't imagine not doing this for someone YOU LOVE.

So many similarities @Fidelius I too have become someone I don't recognise some days. Bitter, twisted, resentful, angry a lot if the time. DC's never go to their dad with anything really. I have always been the one who dealt with the kids, dh always just the other adult in the house.
Sounds like you have been really through the mill health wise, not been made any easier by an unsympathetic partner. I have been through some crappy times too over the years, dh has still to ask how I feel.
I too have made the decision to stay, for the time being. Mainly the kids being at important stages in education that I will not jeopardise. I have become good at masking my emotions so can hang on a bit longer. Some days I can cope, others I just want to throat punch the bastard.

@LoveFoolMe I’m sorry for your loss. It’s very hard losing a parent.

Thanks @Fidelius

I'm grateful that he had a long full life. It's just going to be hard on the day as I'm reading a eulogy and never done that before. Might get a bit teary.

I'm sorry for your health issues and lack of support @Fidelius @Ohdostopwafflinggeremy and everyone else with extra stresses 😟

So today, as most days, I've planned dinner, bought the ingredients, and spent 11/2 hr cooking. Nothing particularly flash but seven different plates (we can't have things touching), DW scrubbed and chopped potatoes.

She's delighted how quick and simple it was. She's now suggested "we" do the same meal for her family staying over the bank holiday weekend.

I think I have found my people. My DD was diagnosed with ASD 5 years ago and I now I'm more aware of the traits I think DH may be too. He has quiet, lacks any empathy etc etc.

Now our DC are starting to fly the nest I'm starting to feel incredibly lonely

@longpathtohappiness I was the same. Realised how lonely I was once the kids started needing me less. Working through a lot, but definitely helps being on here.

autistic people DO have empathy, in many cases a heightened sense of empathy.

it is unfair on autistic people for this myth to be continually repeated.