Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 8

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of mixed NT/ND partnerships. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong)

Link to previous thread

Same here.
I hate it.

Slight derailment for which I apologise. I don’t want therapy, these threads have crystallised my thoughts. What I need to to speak to people face to face, to emphasise, for support, and to reassure that it’s not just me.
Everything is to support the ND, not us.
this is an impossible burden.

Empathise

@SpecialMangeTout And it creates the same problems than lies.

yeah. Certainly if he said something, I got into the habit of checking it if I possibly could, because so often what he said wasn't the actual situation. Then sometimes it would be just fine. But you couldn't tell whether it would be fine or not, so there was no way to take what he said on faith.

What I realised after about 6 -7 years was that all these little 'misunderstandings' and 'forgettings' had the sum effect of working in his favour all the time, including financially. His 'forgettings' and 'misinterpretations' almost never worked against him.

@Fidelius , @BlueTick , yep…. Same here.

We used to do a lot of walking.
i remember talking about our route one day. Deciding on the plan. Me explaining I didn’t have enough energy to do the one he wanted.
Then we started the walk. There was a crossroad, he went on the right. It looked weird. I asked if he was sure it was that path. Yes it is!! Asked to see the map. He looked offended, took the map out and yes, you guessed it, we were supposed to take the oath on the left. The one on the right was one he wanted to take.

For me thats a lie. He knew. He knew very well (very good walker blabla. It wasn’t a mistake).

He has done that many times, in many different circumstances, incl opposite - the very weird ‘which way am I supposed to go?’ To go to a place near us that we’ve been going to many many times.(knowing we’ve lived where we are 20+ years…)

Aaaaaargh the walking ahead. My partner does this especially on holiday. I know he’s stressed about travel but…. I am always left behind walking through airports, he never turns his head to check i’m still there. I have a disability that affects my walking too! The kids are teens now and noticed, they were saying “why does he march off like that?!” I found it quite validating. In fact they call him out on quite a lot of his behaviours now. We’re all ND, i find it quite nice to know the kids are growing up self aware, and considerate.

Yeah see the whole thing about 'autistic people don't lie' just sounds incredibly convenient. It's just semantics. 'I didn't lie I just spun the story through my own special filter.' How to lie while pretending to be unable to lie. How to lie while not being very skilled at it. Etc etc.

My husband did this over something major and financial when I was pregnant. It was apparently to spare me from worrying and that may even have been true. He still lied. It's just by his understanding he didn't because the underlying motivation was 'pure' in his mind. Just like throwing out my medication was 'pure' because his intention was to clear out the fridge.

Guess what? He still lied and he still threw out my fkn medication. I don't give a shit about his underlying motivations. The outcome was the same.

I hope you were able to get some more @SquirrelSoShiny Realise that's not entirely the point, but it was there for a reason!

My husband says what he thinks I want to hear, and what will avoid conflict.

Mine is easy liar, about many things. Things that take a lot of planing. Then he holds the lie until I catch him. Then it turns into DARVO when I refuse to accept the lie was accident or for my own good.

Sometimes I see our common experiences on these threads and hope that reading it will save other people from making the same mistakes.

The truth is it probably won't. It wouldn't have stopped me. He was so good at masking until he 'caught' me and ticked me off on the list. I would never have believed that marrying this man would be - for all his good traits- the worst mistake of my life. Because what is missing outweighs the good bits by a long way.

Just having another one of those days where he busily people pleases everyone else and forgets I even exist. I either go along with his plans or I cease to exist. That's it.

Hello.. I’ve been lurking recently and so much of what’s being discussed resonates with me.
We recently had the most frank conversation (95% me talking) of our 30+ year marriage because things had come to a massive head. I really felt like he was understanding me, but sadly we are literally back to square one.
He thinks I should be grateful because he’s bought me flowers two Sundays in a row, yet has been completely unreasonable for days and now expects me to go to bed for a ‘cuddle’ -ffs!!
The thing is I have done in the past because I didn’t want him to then ignore me for days…but I’m not that person anymore.

@Iceball it finally dawned on me that dh wouldn't actually be listening to what I had to say, just listening to me speak, huge difference.
He also would interpret any form of affection from me as an invitation for sex.
25 years in we don't talk or have sex.

He also would interpret any form of affection from me as an invitation for sex.

Yep. And that’s despite many conversations that for me, a cuddle means a cuddle, not sex….. so yes if I’m having a cuddle with you on the sofa, it doesn’t mean I want sex….
ive given up explaining. And given up cuddles too. I miss those.

My DH just stopped it all. Problem solved for him.

I miss cuddles more than anything. I gave up asking for them. You can only ask so many times. I think the day he patted my hand like I was a dog was the day I knew he is unfixable.

I'm new to the thread but I've been reading a while, this is all so helpful.
I've been dating a guy with autism for a few years and I just can't anymore, we don't get each others point of view. It's mainly around being leery with other women, adding young women on facebook and he just won't accept he is doing anything wrong and just feels attacked. He always gaslights.
I will miss him, he had more emotional depth than any man I've met. But he just hurts me.

I found this link and it resonated, it's about the difficulty of ND+NT relationships.. sorry if it's been shared before:

asdmarriage.com/2022/02/14/why-do-asd-husbands-experience-neurotypical-feelings-as-an-attack/

Yes this guy I've been with thought doing a DIY job = blowjob in return.

I actually work with people with autism and I LOVE my job, adore my people I look after.. I really get on well with them, but I'm relieved to finish my shift. I can't be emotionally entangled with one anymore.