I was going to start a new thread, but since my husband's primary needs are related to autism, I thought I would post here.
My husband and I have been married for 25 years. However, we have live apart (not separated in the legal or emotional sense) for eight years. Although we have lived apart, we have met every day, communicated multiple times a day, and helped to support our (now adult) sons, and our elderly parents.
In December, my husband experienced something similar to a mini-stroke and spent a week in hospital. During his stay, it was discovered that he has serious hardening of the arteries. He is now on quite a cocktail of medication. When he was discharged, he found it difficult to cope, could not manage his medication (I helped him and prompted him) and became very reclusive. He also seemed to deteriorate with respect to his physical and mental health.
In February, he took an o/d and was admitted into hospital. For about a month he was obviously very ill and was experiencing psychosis.
He is about to be discharged from hospital into a care home in a city that is easy for me to commute to. I will be able to see him there about three times a week (due to work and other caring commitments).
Yet, he is not the 'same' man as he was prior to the episode in December. He seems so much older (he is 64). All professionals seem to agree that he really needs the care and support available in the residential home. He cannot drive and he 'shuffles' when he walks. He does not shop (shopping is encouraged on the ward), but rather waits for people to buy him food and cook it for him.
However, there is a small part of me that thinks that although he has had physical and mental crises, he is perhaps adopting the role of a 'patient', an 'older person' or 'someone in need of care'. This may not be something he is doing consciously, but, throughout his life he has masked and played roles (like many autistic people of our generation). I fear that, once he gets into the care home, he will adopt whatever persona he feels matches that environment.
Another part of me feels that he really needs this environment or he will simply neglect himself, isolate himself and his MH difficulties will escalate again. Yet even with this reasoning, I feel something has fundamentally changed in our marriage and I will become a visiting relative rather than a wife.
The reason why I am posting here is that I feel the adopting and conforming to certain identities (patient, resident, disabled and so on) is something that some autistic people do particularly well, as a survival mechanism. Yet, often, the new role overtakes any old role (e.g. husband, father, potential partner in later life) .
I think that, if this happens, really the marriage will, essentially, be over. Yet it feels cruel to think of moving on (not in the sense of another relationship) when he is so vulnerable.
Sorry for the ramble. It is just good to write this down.