Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 8

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of mixed NT/ND partnerships. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong)

Link to previous thread

Why on earth was my post deleted? Was it an error? I can't even remember what I wrote but it wasn't controversial 👀

It just happened @BlueTick .
There was covid.
Dh not wanting to go to my parents.
DH going away in hols to do his own things anyway (with or Wo the dcs).

And basically me not organising anything because I was at the stage where finding something that would work fir everyone (read DH) was just impossible.

dh never mentioned anything but then he never mentions anything at all so 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

no idea@SquirrelSoShiny

@SquirrelSoShiny I'd rather be challenged rather than deleted, I guess it's cancel Vs expand.

I’ve got notes (which I regularly use to write down my feelings to purge my brain) I’ve written from past holidays to remind me what worked/what didn’t.

The holidays we’ve had have been agreed as a family/couple but I drive it - the bookings, research, planning, coordinating dates, etc. Otherwise I don’t think we’d have ever gone away.

We have found counselling to be useful but I’m aware that DH is willing to talk about emotions, etc. Ironically, he’s the emotional one and I’m the one who retreats into themselves. It’s taken a LOT for him to realise it’s not that he “doesn’t do emotions” but he doesn’t understand his own emotional responses. That what he thought was “passionate expression” was anger. And sometimes that anger was directed at him but it didn’t feel like that when you’re on the receiving end.

He responds emotionally and then tries to work out the emotions. I try to work out the emotions first and then respond.

I totally hear you with regard to holidays. We have done quite a lot separately, was easier to explain away when we had two small autistic kids to wrestle but now its just evolved in to several separate breaks.

I have another issues just now, the reactive anger. SO we have an ongoing issue to do with our house, basically CF neighbours taking the piss about something which inconveniences us. It happened again this morning and he is going mad. I know the whole day is going to be so charged about it. It is an annoying thing, I'm pissed off as well, but there is no point in wrecking everyone around yous day as well. I was having such a nice sunny morning and now I am filled with dread having to be near him and him having no perspective, there will be non stop rants and venom. sigh.

@Gatehouse77 I totally get where you're coming from. I think it's such a myth that people with ASD are emotionless.

One of the features of our marriage has been my instinct for subtle or non confrontational communication of the things that might be bothering me and DW just not recognising what I'm trying to say. It invariably ends up with me as frustrated emotional mess and complete shock on her part that anything was bothering me in the first place.

@Daftasabroom

I think it's such a myth that people with ASD are emotionless

Totally agree - not understanding emotions is not the same as not experiencing emotions. And it’s not exclusively about being neurodivergent because innate personality and experiences also have an influence. Which is why some of my reactions confuse him because it’s not what he expected.

@BlueTick Yes. I was thinking about this only today walking through town on my lunch break and seeing a couple laughing together in Boots. We could never do that - it just seemed such a normal lovely couply thing to do, but the chance of going anywhere without an upset caused by where we were going, when we were going or by the people there makes it impossible. I'd love to have gone on a regular sunny holiday, or be out at the pub late on Saturday night. I want to know what that's like to be part of a couple doing things like that.

I've just got back from a week away. Called to see if dinner was fixed, it wasn't, it never is unless I sort it. (Actually everyone else was having freezer leftovers of meals I've previously cooked, just not enough for me apparently.)

We've got a really busy few days with uni pick ups, camping holiday packing, tidying up work, work handovers etc etc.

I knew it was going to be a really tough few days, but I really don't need a load of texts when I'm in no position to reply, calling me all sorts of names because it actually takes effort to do the things she wants to happen.

I asked "can you tell me in detail what your plans are?"

Reply " I'm picking DS up"

Twenty minutes of interrogation later it is vastly more complex, she wants my car (which needs a service), she is going to a work event on the way back, she's going to stop at her mother's, she expects a welcome home meal for DS. They're stopping at a premier inn etc etc.

FFS

@BlueTick @Whatabouteryallaboutery Yes I feel the lack of couply stuff acutely too. I seem to do so much on my own because otherwise I wouldn't do it. But sitting in cafes on my own at the weekend (I take some work to do so I don't look completely alone even though that maybe looks even more tragic!), sitting on the beach on my own yesterday evening when everyone else was there as couples or groups - I felt so lonely. I am working through the grief of having missed so many years of this sort of thing. I am taking the step of making things change, but it's hard and scary as well as there now being that little bit of hope on the horizon. Being in a couple makes you feel like your social life should be at least loosely based around your couple-ness (even if not all the time), but it hasn't, just as you seem to say too, so I've ended up very isolated and alone. Something has to change. Something is going to change... I have reached the point where I have to do something for me because I've not had my needs met for so many, so many years.

@IndigoFlamingo I really hope you get the change you need. I am changing things here, because like you, something has to change. I've been so lonely for so long now. My needs have also taken a back seat, but not any more. It's going to be hard, but I'm breaking free. I hope you do too.

Found out recently that dh had been diagnosed with some form of ADHD as a child ( 40+ years ago) It wasn't a secret, just different time, different country/language so different wording/diagnosis, iyswim.
Basically we were talking about general mental health, ds and dd talking about kids/situations at school etc. So dh pipes up. "Yeah I think that's probably what I have" 😲
After some more talking, and lots more research we found out that yes, that is what dh was diagnosed with is called now.
I have spent the last 2 days reading this thread and most of thread 7. I could cry. So much resonates. I'm still processing and sifting through 25 years of memories and situations, looking at them with new eyes. Relief, sadness, confusion, anger, disappointment......
I have so much to work through.
So for now I'll keep reading and trying to get my head space a bit clearer.
Thank you all who have been so honest about your own situations💐

Has your husband been diagnosed with ADHD or ASD?

Some of us here have one or the other or both! But if the thread is resonating with you I hope you will find support and understanding here.

He was diagnosed with ADHD 40+ years ago. Whether he would get the same diagnosis now I don't know. Reading through these threads I can relate to a lot of people though. My head is all over the place at the moment. Our relationship has been slowly dying over the years. Dh's lack of interest, empathy, concern and willingness to care being the main factor. Now I have to rethink and question everything. It obviously doesn't change anything that has happened, I still feel lonely, alone and sad in my marriage. The kids still feel dad is just not that interested in them. Logically I can say "Oh, now it all makes sense " Emotionally though I am still lonely. Now I also have added guilt that I have been angry at dh for being an a$$hole when it's just him being him. I'm so confused about everything now. I feel that the last 25 years of my life have been rewritten and I'm just supposed to accept this new narrative.

Thank you so much for that BlueTick. I'm just so sad at the moment, I have this constant lump in my throat, I'm crying at commercials ffs.
I have so many emotions going on at the same time I'm totally overwhelmed. Replying 25 years of events and situations, with this new understanding is making me ill.
Every day things that have driven me insane for years.
Big decisions that have had huge impacts on the whole family.
Just everything.

Hi @Ohdostopwafflinggeremy NT/ND or ND/ND relationships are no different to NT/NT in that the essential foundation is one of communication and consideration. If your DH knows he has ADHD (and potentially ASD) and is prepared talk, and listen, and consider how that effects your relationship, then that is a massive bonus.

The issue I'm struggling with is we have essentially had the relationship. We are 25 years in now and I'm just finding* *out that I didn't have all the facts to start with while he did.
Where do I start now?
I feel that we have essentially had 2 completely different experiences.
I feel that every time I have dismissed my feelings, been too needy, too emotional, too emotional about anything I have blamed myself for being too....( insert any emotion)
I have reigned myself in when wanting to discuss anything, world news, vacations, kids education, retirement.... ( insert any topic)
I would love to communicate, and talk, and be listened to, my feelings to be considered.
I honestly don't know how to move forward.

This is really at the crux of it and it's where it gets so fucking wearing. Being the one who is doing all the therapy, all the self-reflection, all the adapting and changing. I'm exhausted with it. I'm exhausted with spelling out what should be absolutely self-evident.

I had a really nice morning after a shitty week with my illness. I was out for 3 hours planned in advance. DH just shat all over it. He needed to go out this morning and do some work he chose to take on. HIS choice. He needed DC to accompany him and they refused.

Rather than face being bad cop (ie actually laying down the law and parenting) he sulked at home for 3 hours, then had a tantrum at ME when I got home. I asked him to help me move something - a literal 30 second job - and he stormed in, threw a basket at a table knocking over a lamp and generally rampaged about. And then DC got upset at us having an argument.

And YET AGAIN I explained to him: you are getting angry at the wrong person here. It's ok to be annoyed at DC in this situation. It's not ok to start taking out your frustration on me. I haven't done anything wrong. I told you I was going out, you knew about it days ago, you let DC lie on till nearly lunchtime instead of getting them up and telling them there would be X consequence for not doing what they needed to do. And then you basically had a go at me because YOU needed to parent DC. Be annoyed at yourself, be annoyed at DC but DON'T take this out on me.

So basically all of us ended up upset and my life with him since we became parents has been this on replay x 10000 and yet again I think: this has to end now. We go so many weeks at a time and then I reach the limits of my endurance. He is a loving parent in so many ways but at some basic level he doesn't understand HOW to be a parent beyond the practical and 'fun' stuff.

His behaviour is getting more aggressive with me rather than passive aggressive. More storming about and throwing things about. He's under severe stress, partly because of my illness and partly because he's a workaholic who has filled our lives with his work. He has multiple jobs, all of them intense. HIS choice. Not mine.

I love DC but marrying DH and becoming a parent with him was probably the greatest mistake of my life. We're all neurodivergent in our household, the difference is he won't accept he is nor understand that I can't do all the self-awareness for all of us all the time. I'm burnt out.

SquirrelSoShiny so sorry to hear you had a bad day💐