Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 8

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of mixed NT/ND partnerships. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong)

Link to previous thread

Those are all questions I have agonised over, repeatedly. Including a variant on them which is: can I get my needs met in other ways, so that it won't matter if my partner cannot meet my emotional needs? Is that genuinely going to be enough for me for life, or will it actually be soul-destroyingly lonely and shit? It doesn't help that my partner has significant early trauma which just complicates matters, makes me feel guilty for giving up and makes me hope that it is trauma rather than autism causing all this. Even though there are so many signs of ASD it would be funny if it wasn't so painful.
And then I always end up at the ultimate question, which is: am I worth more than this?

So after a wonderful weekend that was just like our early days together, this evening we get the meltdown/shutdown. It is of course all my fault because I'm a fucking arse hole, etc etc. And DS shouldn't have to do any revision.

She's demand avoidant and has always validated herself by encouraging the kids to do nothing when things matter. She is knowingly, or at best recklessly, or ignorantly, putting her need for validation above the needs of her children.

There is no blame attached if you separate - you tried, he tried, it's not worked; your needs are not being met.

It's okay to have needs, as long as they are not at the expense of other people. Being heard, feeling connected is a basic human need everyone has.

It doesn't help that my partner has significant early trauma which just complicates matters, makes me feel guilty for giving up and makes me hope that it is trauma rather than autism causing all this.

This is very hard indeed. Yet you are clearly feeling torn and tormented and it's not meant to be like this.

Pamela Stephenson made a phrase "to let go with love".

@Daftasabroom how is your ds coping? He is revising for his Oral exam atm (I’m assuming he is doing the French A level/baccalauréat?).
I hope he isn’t listening to his mum just now ….

pushing him to not do any revisions at this stage is not ok. Really not ok.

He is getting on with it this morning, Physics 2, tomorrow morning, but he got about an hour done yesterday.

DW is at work today, so less opportunity to interfere.

Hi everyone, I’ve been lurking here for a little while and have recently ended things with my boyfriend who is diagnosed ADHD but has many symptoms of autism.

Firstly, there are so many amazing qualities in him (intelligent, funny etc) that I don’t doubt are due to his neurodiversity - he’s unlike anyone else I’ve ever met and I know his uniqueness is why I was attracted to him in the first place. We were on and off for 4 years as his behaviour kept upsetting me, and then me forgiving him as I understood he doesn’t intend to hurt ( or does he at times? So hard to know where the line is)

So many comments here have resonated with me - particularly the analogies of what your partners neglect can feel like - I’ve described to my partner myself the feeling constantly getting my arm broken - there comes a point where it doesn’t matter whether it is deliberate or ignorant, I’m still the one left hurting.

Reading your comments helps me when it have my rose-tinted glasses on and wishing things were different, or remembering the happy moments. I know that my ex cannot change his behaviour that hurts me (very low emotional reciprocity, low mood, never really responding to anything I say with any curiosity to know more). I have explained this to him many times and he has tried but his efforts maybe last a day or two at most and still can’t meet my emotional needs. He tells me I’m being demanding but I feel like I’m begging for bare minimum. I’ve also said to him, I appreciate he’s tried his best but I know it’s not really something he can change, one of the main reasons I don’t think we should be together. I know it’s not his fault and do make a point to say this often, when we were discussing things.

Despite trying my upmost to be accommodating and learn about his interests, and practise patience, I also got to the point where I am so frustrated in the relationship that I have occasionally snapped at him.

When I have tried to break up with him in the past, he has been quite manipulative, threatening very extreme things to make me see him again, which has led to the back and forth nature of the relationship. This time, it seems to have sunk in a little more and we are 3 weeks no contact.

Sorry for the ramble! I just wanted to say I appreciate the insight into how some of you feel many years later and try to remind myself how I know this is the right thing to do for both of us, despite loving him so much. I feel guilty for abandoning him and giving up but I don’t want to accept this for myself. I know how worthless and invisible you can feel when with someone. 4 years has left me broken so I can’t imagine how some of you must feel decades down the line. Just wanted to thank you for sharing your stories and hope you all find the peace you need, however that may look.

Same as my ds then.
Another two weeks left after that….

I hope your DW will stop interfering. It’s really not right.

@Pinkstar43 im happy that you found your way.
Leaving is never easy and it sounds like you’ve thought long and hard about it.

Good luck building a new life in your own terms :)

When I have tried to break up with him in the past, he has been quite manipulative, threatening very extreme things to make me see him again, that in itself is a rotten thing to do, you know. You're not really been in a consensual relationship if you went back because of intimidation, fear and guilt tripping.

Anyone been to couples counselling? I went today second session and felt annoyed by the end and feel it’s a case of me having to adapt..
really not sure it’s wise to continue..

Been to 4 counsellors

didn’t help.

best to get someone to who understands autism, and keep your expectations low

Did you feel they blames you or didn’t understand? I came away feeling very frustrated

I’ve never done couple counselling but I have done counselling fir myself.

I found that counsellors often don’t have any idea if what it means.
Ive had one commenting in how she had no problem communicating with her autistic clients so surely I can learn him to communicate with DH too.
The complexities and intricacies of an NT/ASD marriage just isn’t part of their knowledge base really.

I know there was someone on those threads (was it the previous one?) who had a positive experience but I suspect you really need to look for the right one.

Our latest counselling for us has been about focusing on our own responses to each other. So for him to accept that I mean well and to not overreact. And for me to not take his anger personally. I try to give him space and time to process things. We’ve discussed our childhoods and why we react in certain ways and have both done some individual EMDR therapy.

I’m still not clear how much either of us can change through. An Asperger’s expert many years said that DH wouldn’t be able to change and that I’d have to adjust to fit around him. A subsequent therapist implied that we could both change if we were each motivated. A psychologist relative recently told me that anyone can change their behaviour. DH thinks his brain is hardwired but that he’s intelligent enough to adapt.

So who knows!

@SpecialMangeTout @BlueTick @ReleaseTheDucksOfWar thank you for your messages 😊

I have agreed to go on holiday with him.

I don’t really want to. I have 20 years of memories of shit holidays and what he has done is instead of giving me what I want (5 min chat a day and a date night a month) I get a fancy (really fancy for us) 9 day holiday.

I said no, but he’d booked it and told the teens. So if I refuse I’m the bad giy

its manipulative

We're off as well. It's a destination we've wanted to go to for ages. It's been DWs special project for the past six weeks. The only thing is I know she will have very specific expectations and any compromise will be result in a tantrum. She's already warned she's not going to be rushed and she's not going out if it's too hot.

I asked this last year but my question was lost amongst last years arguing.

Any tips for coping on holiday?

Yes we dint do holidays together anymore.
Havent done it fir a few years.