Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 8

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of mixed NT/ND partnerships. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong)

Link to previous thread

To add to this, I read some interesting stuff about the overlap between narcissism and autism and how similar they can appear. The behaviours can come across the same BUT the underlying motivations are completely different.

That doesn't change how the behaviours are experienced by the recipient though. It may not be the autistic partner's intention to be controlling or to emotionally abandon or to demand that we comply with strict rules or standards but the end effects can be similar.

And yet in my case I know my husband is trying to be loving towards me, just in his own way. And I've tried to accept it as enough but I've started to realise that my needs are valid and it's not just about his INTENTIONS, it's about how I experience him in the relationship. The question remains: do I feel loved?

We don't know your husband @Oodieandacuppatonightplease. None of us can diagnose him. But if he IS autistic and suicidal I would take it seriously. It's much less likely to be about manipulation and more about being completely overwhelmed by feelings that can't be processed effectively. I wouldn't hesitate to get medical backup in your situation. Just my tuppence worth.

The gap between the hurt I felt/feel and the motivation behind it is what has made me stay for so long.

Yes same.

The truth is though: if someone is repeatedly injuring us day after day, year after year we are injured nonetheless.

If someone punches me in the face or accidentally elbows me in the face I still get a broken nose. And it hurts. I might be more likely to forgive it more times if it's 'accidental' but either way my nose is still broken.

The key difference is that sometimes I feel like my husband doesn't understand he's injuring me and doesnt listen when I tell him he's hurting me. If I say 'Stop metaphorically elbowing my nose!' his immediate response would be, 'I didn't! What are you making a fuss about? Stop whining!'

I'm being facetious with the nose example but you get the point.

This thread has been extremely enlightening and helpful. I’ve been with my ASD/ADHD partner for a few years now (his diagnosis was only confirmed a year ago), and what started as an amazing relationship with a person who came across as engaging, positive, decisive, enthusiastic, full of empathy, has now descended into a misery. It’s like I’m with a different person and the only way I can explain it is that he was not able to continue masking his traits: rigidity of thoughts and routines, poor impulse control, bad temper, lack of self awareness, constant negativity towards everyone and everything, dislike of people. It’s draining and it’s dragging me down. He can be very loving still, and deep down I know he has a good heart and means well, he loves me (and I love him) but I feel that I need to save myself as he’s not going to change. It’s hard.

How is your husband today, @Oodieandacuppatonightplease ?

Same, @SpecialMangeTout snd @SquirrelSoShiny

he does not mean it, I’m sure of that.

but the pain and sadness I live with are real and it is not going to change.

I have to leave and I’m cross about that! It’s so unfair . We could have jigsawed together perfectly, but he wants to hoard his pieces.

I am feeling defeated and overwhelmed today. How do you even begin to unpick 20 years when your spouse won’t speak or co operate?

Testing

Hello, coming out of lurking to say thanks for these threads which have helped me see the light. If we’re all unique individuals, how come we all have exactly the same problems? Hm, maybe there’s a common factor! Ironically, it’s the posters who keep jumping in to complain about this group who convinced me to call time on my marriage. Nothing is ever going to change, I’m never going to feel seen or heard or understood or even liked, so what’s the point?

Just catching up on everyone’s posts, yes, the same stories again and again. And I’m sure we’re all being told we’re the problem as we are trying against hope to improve our relationships and lives, but being repeatedly shut down. I would never have believed it possible.

lord knows how he is today, if there were any help available he’d point blank refuse anyway. He won’t do anything that involves any form of talking, god forbid a discussion. If I ever try he shouts, storms out then ignores me until I shut up. Great role model for the kids. His way or no way, no comprehension of how that affects those around him. He’d rather lose everything than go to any effort. I saw signs that his father was the same, a bully who didn’t care about anyone apart from himself.

Oodie, I had to check that I hadn’t written your second paragraph myself.! If I dare raise anything for anything for discussion, he either blows up or shuts down, then accuses me of provoking him. My only options are argument or silence.

@mangothief awful isn’t it, and no consolation that we aren’t alone in this, wouldn’t wish it on anyone 😞

God @mangothief I hear you.

I'll be honest - and I hope some of our persistent critics take this on board - the closest I came to abruptly ending my marriage was last year. We had a couple of posters who basically came here to shame us. And one in particular just attacked and attacked us (haven't seen them in a long while by the way for which I thank them - and I mean that sincerely) and one day it coincided with my husband being completely intransigent and my mind almost snapped to be honest. It was like all hope of change broke.

Their viewpoint was all that mattered. And to come on to a support thread and be so completely tone deaf and unable to read the room, to see people here begging them to just let us have this one space where we could find the strength to continue hoping - nope. It wasn't happening.

In the end I almost welcomed the intrusion because it gave a crystal clear example of what some of us are up against, better than anything we could ever have written.

But only some of us. I actually want to be clear that I DON'T think this reflects ALL relationships with an autistic partner. Three of my favourite people in the world are autistic (I'm not even including my husband here!) and two have almost superhuman self-awareness. I love them dearly and can be completely myself with them. I cherish them. In fact if my marriage ends I think there's a 50% chance any future partner would be autistic. I have ADHD, I have a type!

BUT I do think it reflects a certain percentage of relationships with an autistic partner and some of us just happen to have that particular type of relationship. We see the same recognisable patterns over and over again. There's no point denying it. I'd much rather figure out what can be changed and improved, if anything.

For me, ‘improving’ things was like changing the way I walked because of a nail in my shoe. Now that I’ve taken out the nail, I can run!

An analogy I've used in past:

When we disagree we will have a discussion argument and compromise to meet halfway. I take a step forward DW takes a step backwards. We're just as far apart as ever except I've just given another little bit of myself up. I've given so much of myself up over the years I'm not how much is left.

And whilst I understand it’s the nuances of a situation, or the wording used, that is so often where the confusion and miscommunication starts it’s incredible that it’s being policed on a support thread used by those who don’t have the same difficulty with language.

Not normal doesn’t necessarily mean abnormal. To confront a situation doesn’t mean it has to be confrontational. Etc.

@BlueTick Yes. She went away for a week to pursue her hobby. It was like I could breathe again. It was a lot of little things, but you don't realise how much they add up. The kids helped out around the house because they weren't frightened of being told off for not doing things a particular way. We could watch Marvel films without being lectured on how evil Disney is. Listen to music without it being tutted at or disapproved of. No random messes around the house from things she'd put down and left but no one else could touch without her having a tantrum about it.

It really was like seeing a calm life after years of storm. That's what reinforced my decision and made my mind up.

We've just had a row because I used the wrong tea towel for drying up a frying pan. The tea towel is apparently ruined. I thew it in the bin, surely if it's ruined we don't wont to keep it. All bonkers hell broke out because I have no respect for her things etc etc. It's a fucking tea towel, we wash the tea towel and it's right as rain. It's not like the tea towel comes with a label that says "do not use on pans". No, apparently there is a secret tea towel hierarchy that is way beyond my compression,. Shit, I thought I'd got my head around the whole dish cloth, oven cloth, hob cloth thing and now we tea towel rules as well.

@Whatabouteryallaboutery No random messes around the house from things she'd put down and left but no one else could touch without her having a tantrum about it.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, grrrrrrrrrttrrrrtrtrr, noooooooooooooooooo...........

@Whatabouteryallaboutery and I thought it was me?

We have piles of stuff in every room that haven't been looked at for years, in some cases decades. AS DS has half his bedroom filled with DWs junk that she has just put dust sheets over. It's really horrible. It's obviously the start of hording.

1990s gardeners world mags anyone?

Why do we need to keep age 7-8 clothes for someone who is 6'2"?

On the other hand we have just had a festival weekend away which was absolutely delightful.

I could have written this. Just popping back in again for support, in a 2 year relationship where I am very very confident my male partner has ASD and I feel like my sanity is slowly unravelling. It's so painful as he means well, but the end result is that I am repeatedly hurt and that's so hard. Grateful for this space. Thank you.

@ZeppelinTits a respectful question. Why are you staying? Two years is the honeymoon period and yet you say you're being repeatedly hurt. Why would you stay? If you're in and out of this thread you can see the general trajectory. It doesn't get better unless both parties have incredible self-awareness AND a genuine commitment to improve things by BOTH parties (and that is crucial otherwise as @Daft has found one person does all the heavy lifting - and fuck that!)

This isn't your husband. You're not legally tied to him. You can walk away. Look at the lifers here. Some of us have lost ourselves, our health, our hopes for the future. Sorry to be so blunt but seriously: why would you endure this? If I had a time machine I would leap into it in a heartbeat. I have been eroded by this relationship. I have virtually lost myself and I've had to work so hard to start finding my way back to me.

@SquirrelSoShiny it's helpful to read that, and I don't mind you being blunt. I suppose on my part, a lack of self-esteem. Coupled with the general (and completely unintended, on my partner's side) gaslighting that goes on, where I start to doubt my own judgment. When someone is so convinced their way is THE WAY, you start thinking... well, maybe I am the one with the problem. Maybe they are right and I am wrong and need to stop being so oversensitive.
Then I have moments where I see the real disconnect between us and I know I can't rely on their perceptions, I need to listen to my own first and foremost.
I've spent the whole relationship dithering, and the last 6 months splitting up and then going back. It's really unhealthy, and I'm planning to get a counsellor soon who can help me see the wood for the trees.

@ZeppelinTits definitely get the counselling and just keep asking yourself these questions:

Are my needs being met by this relationship?
Can this person ever meet my emotional and connection needs or is it literally beyond his capacity to do so?
Am I willing to live like this for the rest of my life? Am I willing to go without all the things I need for the sake of someone who is repeatedly hurting me?