Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 8

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of mixed NT/ND partnerships. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong)

Link to previous thread

@SquirrelSoShiny thank you for bothering to write that whole script out. It really felt like I'd written it, but you did it more eloquently! Quite amusing to read but so close to crying too as I feel so eroded living alongside it.

DH: I'm not going to do that. I'm going to do A, B, C, D and E! awaits praise
So familiar. And here, A might take two hours to do when I'd do it in 10-15 minutes so it takes him away from what needs doing for even longer. Here too, sometimes the actual thing never gets done, if he can't get why it needs doing.

You're right about the fixed plan. DH decided that he wanted to sweep the kitchen floor and I came across him about halfway done - I had heard the clatter of brush against skirting board and hadn't realised what the noise actually was, so went to investigate - and asked him why he was doing it because I had just done it about half an hour before. It didn't occur to him to look to see if there were any crumbs or dust on the floor, he just decided to do it. This was sometime ago and I remember being very upset - felt invisible, like what was the point of my doing it if he didn't even look at the floor first? I now know I obviously do it for me if nobody else!

@SquirrelSoShiny @bunhead1979

Oh gosh how many times have I had the misplaced help over the years, in everything from Christmas dinners to painting the house to gardening.

It's the having to stop what you're doing, explain everything in minute detail about the task they are appropriating, and then trying not to get frustrated when you would have been better doing it by yourself. One misplaced word and the entire sulk machine goes off and you're basically in a house with a Victorian Ghost for the next few days.

It's just so frustrating. Everything on this thread resonates so much. The disappearing self, the lack of joy and the need to be a physical sexual person again.

Sex? Now you’ve caught my attention…

I fancy my husband. We don’t have sex, we have separate rooms because he sleeps so poorly that me breathing disturbs him. And I don’t sleep next to him because I am conscious of every sigh and tut and worried I might snore.

he sits in his office every day and evening and has taken to eating his meals in there - he has effectively left me but we live in the same house.

occaisionally, like 3 or 4 times a year -
he is kind or funny to me over a series of a few days and we have a shag. And then he is WEIRD, every single time after that he is more withdrawn, more intensely selfish, more critical of me. It’s just as well he’s a cracking shag, really.

this time is the worst though. Had sex about a week ago and then we spent 4 days with his family. Long drive to get there. Lack of detail, lack of planning, lots of “it’ll be fine” but no one really knew what was happening.

He was vile before we got there, fine to everyone apart from me, but really mean to me. I told him I wasn’t going away with him on holiday next month, that his behaviour is just unpleasant and I don’t like being around him when he was like that and he is rude and abrasive and it is not how I want to spend my time.

when we got home (traffic as awful as it was a 6 hour drive) he lost his temper (which is rare) with me because he couldn’t find a bit of electrical equipment . He accused me of stealing it, stealing his stuff, wouldn’t let me finish a sentence without interrupting and being horrible to me, and then he grabbed my wrist and raised his other hand as if he was going to slap me.

anf I thought “good, go on, but do it hard enough to leave a black eye” because if he hit me and I looked like he’d hit me - well, I’d have justification to leave.

I assume he found his thing because later on I went through to his cell/office to show him that the thing he thought I took was not his.

“it’s not a problem”
”oh, there is a big problem, you know that”

I am numb.

I am not scared of him, he’s not a bad man. He is in autistic meltdown. I can justify his behaviour. I have been, for 20 years.

but, tell you what, despite the input of a plopper on this thread, that behaviour is not fucking normal and I think he has killed what little life there was left in our marriage.

I have no regular income, a kid doing important exams and I can’t leave immediately.

but, I’m done.

im working on a big project which should pay off but I’ll be skint for a year until I know if it will or not. It has to, really.

I know what happens now, he starts drinking because of self loathing, isolates himself in his room for a couple of months. Then he goes on the wagon, exercises obsessively and remains withdrawn from us, then he realises he is not being nice, is nice for a few days or does something really thoughtful, we have sex and round we go a-fucking-gain.

all I want is for him to keep his vows. I just want to be cherished. He said he would cherish me. He had no right to say that because he is not able to cherish in a way that I recognise. I feel duped.

thank you for this board. I’m going to need it.

The point is that this man’s approach to marriage is not fucking normal and yes, there are elements of “arse” in him, but most of the difficulties are from quiet, subtle, but total autistic meltdown, and that is very very hard to make work as an intimate relationship.

I have tried, my conscience is clear. But I am done.

@BlueTick I've started rocking the boat. I've said we should separate. I've been told I'm wrong and how could I have possibly come to this incorrect conclusion as everything is fine. I'm nervous, I'm terrified but I have to do this or this will be the rest of my life. I'll let you know how it goes.

@BlueTick I really hope you can. I don't think this is going to be easy but it had just reached a point where I couldn't take any more. I'm in for a bumpy ride but I'll come through it. Anything has to be better than this.

The head in the sand is a good description. All needs met here too - I am a convenience to bring the money in and look after the children while DP pursues their hobbies and interests and doesn't give us a second thought.

We are to all intents and purposes living separate lives, and I would like a bit of joy and love in mine and not carry on like this.

@BlueTick @Whatabouteryallaboutery I'm just joining this road too. Hugely stressful but it has to be better in the long run if I look at the last 20 years or so. Can't do that for the rest of my life. DH does not get why separation is needed at all, despite joint counselling sessions where our counsellor was very helpful in rephrasing my struggles. For a few minutes there, it looked like he understood but at home, no change and absolutely no acknowledgement of any responsibility. All the change that's needed apparently has to be mine. Well, I'm not changing back to how things were. This is self-preservation time. Sense of self almost completely gone. It's a human need to have it. I need it back and am learning that it's not selfish to have a sense of self.

The key things I'm reading in these threads again and again by multiple posters are this:

• We love or loved our autistic partners. We saw qualities in them that were often overlooked by others. Many of us married them.

• Once the wedding bells were fading, there was often a swift and disconcerting change in these relationships. A sense that a box had been 'ticked'. This was often amplified when children came along. Another tick.

• Over time these relationships have not only eroded our love but at times have eroded our own sense of self. Patterns of rigidity, lack of real human connection, lack of affection and / or sexual connection, social isolation and deep loneliness because we are not seen or heard as we are but through another person's filter.

• Change can be difficult because conventional strategies like marriage counselling have limited efficacy because the partner can struggle to see what is actually missing in the relationship. They sometimes literally don't understand what is missing, having never experienced it.

• A gradual realisation that (in spite of what lecturers might tell us) we DO in fact deserve to have loving relationships by OUR definitions of love, not just our partners' understandings of 'love'. We are NOT sacrificial lambs who only exist to please our partners and make their lives comfortable or respectable. Our needs matter. WE matter.

• It is NOT ok to be told repeatedly that we should just put up and shut up by people who only see their own agenda and not the actual people struggling and finding support on these threads.

I have great solidarity with the people on this thread ❤️

@IndigoFlamingo I feel like I could have written that post. It's exactly how I feel. Any changes or sacrifice have always been on me. Not any more.

@SquirrelSoShiny this thread is so important to me. I've been lurking for a while but had to post. You're not on your own.

Thank you, squirrel.

yes .

Unfortunately I’d like to join after reading and nodding to so many of your posts.

My husband is so very negative, although he can’t see it, he has no friends, does not enjoy us having any social life so we don’t (I used to love entertaining, now it’s so stressful that I get in a state beforehand), highly critical of everyone. But the worst is we all tiptoe around him, fearful of his temper. At the slightest criticism he flares up, shouts, storms off, sometimes overnight and refuses to talk. He doesn’t understand that people disagree in life. To him, any criticism is the end of the world, a reason to divorce or for him to kill himself.

We can go months and months with nothing, then I say one thing and he explodes, can’t control himself. Afterwards there is never an apology, he refuses to discuss what’s happened apart from saying what he did was fine, or ‘tough’. I know this reads as unbelievable, but it’s my reality. So, what do we do? Well, we keep him happy, don’t voice an opinion if it differs to his and never, ever criticise him. But tonight I did, asked him not to shout at our daughter over a trivial thing and he’s now in the spare room. And I don’t know if he’ll take his life tomorrow.

I’m so very tired of this all but take any action as i feel sure he would then commit suicide.

Oodie, if you think he is actually suicidal then phine the mental health services.

however, from what you say he has threaten suicide many times? Does he have a history of attempts?

you know that abusers use threat of suicide to control?

if you are worried about his state of mind, and think it js an emergency, then you need to get some help. If you don’t think this jd an emergency, well, then you really do have a problem.

I get it.

@stealtheatingtunnocks thank you for your response.
He’s attempted before, would have been successful if I hadn’t checked on him. Health services rubbish, wouldn’t even send an ambulance, said none available, I somehow got him to hospital, in for a few days to get it all out of his system then zero support offered, zilch. Despite me begging. He agreed to go to a therapist but stopped after a while. He’s done that twice now.

Oodie, I'm sorry you're going through this. You deserve better. But as @stealtheatingtunnocks says, we get it.

@Whatabouteryallaboutery thanks, I’m glad I posted. Been reading this thread for a while and it’s made lots clearer. Also made me realise I can’t hope for change. No one knows or would understand what life is like in my world.

@Oodieandacuppatonightplease what this thread has made me realise is that you probably can't hope for change in him. But you can hope for change in your life. That this doesn't have to be a life sentence. I hope the rest of the night is quiet and you get some rest.

Oodie I'm sorry you're going through this. Is your DH autistic? It can be a nightmare for autistic people with suicidal ideation because no service seems to want to touch them. My friend is having a nightmare trying to get help for her autistic son who has extreme anxiety and suicidal ideation. He keeps getting refused treatment.

@SquirrelSoShiny thanks for your reply. Not formally diagnosed, no, but I have no doubt. He ticks all the boxes and then some. He agrees but would refuse any form of consultation.
your post earlier has stuck in my mind, I agree with every point. It’s made me think about one thing though, when you said

• Once the wedding bells were fading, there was often a swift and disconcerting change in these relationships. A sense that a box had been 'ticked'. This was often amplified when children came along. Another tick.

This has definitely happened here but I can’t understand how, as it implies conscious choice? That doesn’t fit with the whole asd side does it? Rather it suggests a totally selfish man, which he is, but one that is making that choice? I’m puzzled, what do you think?

@Oodieandacuppatonightplease some of us felt it was more a case of: we were the special interest for a while. Then the spotlight moved on. My DH is a workaholic. His family were delighted when he suddenly developed another interest - me!

Except it didn't stay that way. The focus returned to work, leaving me very isolated having moved to be with him. It almost feels looking back that he had 'caught' me so he could relax now and stop wooing, spending time together, showing affection.

Oodie, that sounds like very severe RSD you are dealing with. We have that here too and its so tough to navigate, especially when children are involved. Its one of the main things i think that made me disconnect, as my normal optimistic self would so easily trigger him. So a lot of the time i bite my tongue and dont say what i feel. Even the kids used to say “mum just go along with dad” which breaks my heart.