Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 8

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of mixed NT/ND partnerships. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong)

Link to previous thread

I am on this thread as i have the same problems as you all do. But i’m writing this post as a late dx autistic myself cause i just want to say that you are all right, you deserve to be heard, have negative feelings, be frustrated.

it is possible, if you want to, as an autistic person to meet your partner in the middle. I know sometimes my ways can be annoying- but as soon as I learned i was autistic and started understanding myself i learned (and it was hard work but possible) to communicate that better. For example i find changes in plans difficult. Before i would sulk and be grumpy and be a dick to my partner. Now i understand, i say, ok i’ve found this change really stressful but give me a few mins to process and then we can all
understand and move on. There are loads of examples like this. My point is you have to want to. My partner isn’t interested in dealing with the problems he brings to the relationship, thats just “him” apparently, and all the rest of us in the house are meant to accept that.

The number of times i have given a simple instruction to solve a problem- e.g. to feel loved i need you to pay some attention to me, ask me how my day is, once in a while buy me flowers, etc. its never taken up. And this is stuff that i shouldnt have to ask for. Yet he says he really loves me, but if i don’t FEEL that love then does it count??

i feel like (sweeping statement incoming) that this is a bit of a man thing, used to being accommodated and to others around them facilitating stuff.

I'm inclined to agree with you for what it's worth.

@bunhead1979 i fully agree with you.
And I want to say Well Done for looking at what being autistic meant for you, and learn how to communicate your needs better.
It’s actually really nice to see tbh.

Fwiw I think the way you describe your DH is how many people, NT or ND, men or women are. Not enough introspection to understand their ways if reacting is an issue.

You know I’d LOVE to see DH expressing his needs like this.
He (and dc is the same) often seems to think I can read his mind. 🤪🤪

There's so much at play here, not least that many of our partners (and ourselves who are ND) grew up without a diagnosis or with little or no support.

I've posted before about societal expectations. I wonder whether children and young adults who are now (ahem) mature "learnt" how to "behave" from societal stereotypes.

DS really didn't know how to interact with people until he started learning French at primary school. The text books were cartoons of how to say hello, how are you etc. He not only picked up the French but also to say hello etc in English. Perhaps we need cartoon story boards for those who get language but not the communication.

Glad to have found this thread and will look back at other posts in due course.

I realised very early in our relationship that DH saw/felt things differently. That he needed more input on social situations, preparation and information, found spontaneous decisions difficult, noises affected him (differently from my misophonia), etc.

Having children brought new manifestations - levels of anger and frustration, pressure of being the main breadwinner (all discussed and agreed before children), the weight of responsibility for other people’s lives. He was diagnosed with depression following various incidents and suicidal thoughts.

He had therapy, saw a psychiatrist from the crises team (no follow up) but no one picked up on any underlying issues. And, to be fair, at that time he would have resisted being ‘labelled’ because he was of the opinion you just work with what you’ve got. It definitely strained relations between him and our eldest (and only son) because they mirrored a lot of behaviour.

We’ve had 2 major incidents that have had wide repercussions. Despite getting a diagnosis of depression and doing CBT he wasn’t employing the techniques and strategies but intellectually understanding them. He was also using it as a hook to hang everything on and, therefore, absolving himself of responsibility. I couldn’t carry on like that so we separated to give me space (and relief) and for him to decide if he was going to make more effort. (Excuse the clunky wording but that’s what we thought we were dealing with and how we discussed it and wasn’t an issue between us.)

We got back together and were on a much stronger footing. We co-parented successfully and shielded the children the best we could and adapted to being under one roof again.

Recently, we’ve dealt with a Sertraline induced mania which caused huge explosions. Not when it was at its peak - I coped with the impulsive decisions, the financial consequences, the constant stream of thought processes, new information, etc. It was like a tsunami. Things would be calm for a matter of hours and then ramp up again. But the real kicker was when he got nasty and personal with one of the children and our communication failed dramatically.

Alongside this the children (all young adults but were/are living at home) and I (independently) asked him to get an updated diagnosis.

He’s been diagnosed with ASD, ADHD and bipolar 2 on top. Hence the Sertraline issue, which, with hindsight was a pattern we’d seen before with similar medication but had, inadvertently, nipped in the bud.

It’s been exhausting and, with couple counselling, we’ve found a way to communicate again and our marriage and family has just about survived.

He’s taken on board the effect on me as his personal therapist who is on the receiving end of it all. He’s understood the impact of having my feelings recognised independently of his own. I.e. that I can be angry without hearing how it affects him. But it’s been a shitstorm to get there. And we’re still adjusting to the new information and the ongoing consequences from the mania.

Fuck me that turned out epic! But I’ve always found writing to be cathartic and a way to purge my mind of thoughts especially when they become cyclical or I’m angry but need space before I react.

👋👋👋 @Gatehouse77
Wow you’ve had a hell of a time! I’m amazed you’ve managed to find a positive way forward. And I hope you’ll carry on in that path.

One thing I’ve noticed is the diagnosis of ASD and bipolar. It seems to be something quite common, esp with bipolar being misdiagnosed when the person is actually autistic.
Im wondering what’s the relationship between the two. I understand misdiagnosis. But why the correlation between the two?

This is a lovely post. Thank you

Thank you…it’s been a journey and I’m having counselling myself to try and find the happiness in our relationship again because I have been worn down by it.

Interesting because he was told, overall, it’s a small number to have all 3.

Our son was diagnosed with ADHD at university which surprised us, we thought more ASD and he does have traits of it. He also was diagnosed with biological depression when he was 15 following a suicide attempt. He has anxiety too.

Our youngest has been referred for an autism assessment but has also been treated for depression and anxiety.

I suspect the link is from feeling different but not understanding why. Now that DH is informing himself more he is learning to pick out which one is affecting him more in a given situation.

He’s on medication to treat the bipolar which, alongside our improved communication, has been significant in being calmer.

Having read more posts there’s a lot that resonates with me.

One thing I’m massively struggling with is the disappointment that comes round every year with Christmas and my birthday. We’ve stopped exchanging gifts because if I picked something he didn’t explicitly want it was cast aside with a disparaging comment. And the things he’d pick for me were more about what he wanted or, from recent understanding, he’d get into such a tizzy about it I would have to be prescriptive which, for me, took the joy out of it. Some choices made me wonder if he knew me at all.

One aspect he has come to understand and appreciate is that the last 27 years have been as much me learning how to ‘deal’ with his issues as he has. Learning when he was thinking out loud (which is often) and when he was answering a question and judging when, or if, to react. And how. The feeling of constantly checking my reactions while he had free reign, so to speak.

Where I’m fortunate is that DH isn’t your typical male and will openly talk about his feelings and struggles. At times, too much because it can be cyclical conversations with nothing changing.

He asked me once what happens if I say “no” and I said, we end up separating. And that hit home.

And I get how tough it is for him and I’m not trying to change him (mutually agreed) but help him make sense of the world around him that is so alien. But being his support and foundation to lean has impacted our intimacy too.

I don’t know, @BlueTick , I think I am martyring mtself in order to keep a marriage together.

ots not a reciprocal relationship. I am not cared for in a way that brings me joy.

I would like to feel joy.

This is exactly how I feel. I want joy. I'm so, so tired...

Reading this thread has been eye opening.

I just name changed to start my own big rant (we are in a dark dark place and the bank holiday is giving me too much time to think). But every poster here has said something that resonates.

This is day six of The Silence. He's mostly avoiding me but if our paths cross by accident he cannot see or hear me. I don't exist.

I feel so lonely. And so angry. Because while I am spending days trying to understand his emotions, what he's trying to communicate with his days of silence, obsessing over the future of this relationship and whether leaving him would be just throwing a grenade to get some FUCKING REACTION. While I'm doing all that. While I'm posting on mumsnet, ffs...

I think he hasn't given me a moment's thought. I think he's just getting on with his day, doing whatever suits. And at some point it'll suit him to pick me back up and he'll be confused why I'm snippy about that.

I feel so sad.

Thank you to all the brave posters above. It doesn't change anything but it kind of helps.

@sadinbothsenses Welcome on board. You will find compassion and understanding here. The thing that unites us is the recognisable patterns of how we feel in these relationships. I spent Saturday night alone while DH worked in his office till 2am and it suddenly hit me just how many of those nights there have been since I married him.

Thank you. I'm finding today hard.

After a lot of thinking I think I have decided what's happening inside his head is not my concern. The bit I need to focus on is behaviour.

I keep trying to work him out and that's getting me nowhere.

But to be honest @sadinbothsenses if he ignores you like that he's an abusive fuckwit regardless of whether or not he has any neurodiversity! I wouldn't be staying in that situation.

The inability to work as a team and problem solve/communicate

Was talking with DH about cutting the lawn and was mentioning the no mow may to DH (all for the bees etc…)
I was shut down with a ‘well im the one doing it so I’m deciding. Unless you want to do it?’ When he knows I can’t. I mean I use a wheelchair to move round!
It’s the 3rd time now that he is basically telling me ‘this is what’s going to happen and you have no choice because you’re disabled’ type of comment. This includes moving house in the next few months once dc has finish their aA levels….

Im starting to wonder. Is it really ASD and finding hard to negotiate/look at other people’s pov or is it him simply being controlling?
Its not heading in the right direction really….

I actually think we are heading towards the end of the marriage.
Being chronically ill, I’ve been really worried about leaving him and having to look after the dcs and have an income. I was worried they would end up being my carers, which I refused to see happening.
Theyll soon both be at Uni.
Ive sorted the benefit side if things (as much as I can do for now) so I now have some sort if income. It has made me feel stronger.

And it’s become increasingly clear our needs are simply incompatible.

Thats what this thread has helped a lot with. Rephrasing things as my needs and his needs and not being bogged down in the ‘but I should be doing more. He is disabled too’ discourse.

I started reading this thread as I'm in the very early stages of dating someone who's autistic, and I thought it might be helpful. But, I've had to stop several times in tears about how so many of you are describing my marriage to my ex-husband, the feeling ignored/unseen, being so lonely, having to mediate between him and the DC, always taking a backseat to what he wanted to do (or not do), nothing ever being "right" or good enough, and not knowing where I was going wrong or what I could do to make things better.

He's not diagnosed with anything, and most likely would resist the thought that there was anything "wrong" or different about him, but he has so many traits, plus there's a bit of ND amongst the DC (and I have a few ADHD traits as well).

I left him three years ago when I finally realised that it wasn't going to get any better, and that I deserved to be (a little bit) happier than I was. He took nearly a year to accept that I wasn't coming back, and still to this day doesn't understand exactly what it was I had a problem with. My final straw was speaking to him a couple of weeks after a joint counselling session where I had sobbed my heart out about feeling so lonely within the marriage, and he couldn't remember what it was I had cried about.

But, now I'm happier than I've ever been, living by myself with everything around me being things I've chosen for myself in colours and patterns I like, and not having to tiptoe around on eggshells in case a suggestion I make is taken as an attack. I've had a FWB relationship where I discovered that it wasn't me who was bad in bed (and that my orgasms were a joint responsibility, and not my fault when it didn't happen - apologies for bringing the tone down a bit!), and that I am desirable and attractive, both physically and emotionally, which I struggled to feel for most of my adult life with the ex.

The (now adult) DC report back that he's also (a bit) happier but seemingly struggling to work out why he's not finding someone to slot straight into the "wife box" someone mentioned upthread. But, I don't regret leaving, my happiness is my responsibility, and his happiness is his, I wasn't prepared to be a mum to his almost-toddlerlike thinking (you know, the "I want x so therefore Mummy wants me to have x, why is she being mean and horrible and not letting me have x" kind of negotiations you have to do with a three year old who's faced with a cutted up pear!). It took me over 20 years to get to that point though (we were together 30), but I'm so glad for my own mental health that I did. Within a week of leaving, my depression had lifted, my stress levels were way down, and my fibromyalgia wasn't causing me so much pain.

It's going to be very interesting to see how things are with the new bloke, he's so much more self aware of what he finds trickier and what he needs to do to deal with stuff, but most importantly for me, he actually listens to what I say, asks if it's not clear, and vitally (for me anyway) remembers what I've said previously. I'm going to hang around I think, as I'm sure there will be stuff I need to vent about if/as this relationship progresses, and that's always a lot easier with people who know where you're coming from. But also just to be the person saying "it's ok to put your own happiness lifejacket on first, a relationship can't just be all one person giving and the other taking, and yes, its horrible to think like that, but sometimes, when you've given all you can, making the break is the best thing to do"

apologies for the massive long post, there was just SO MUCH that resonated with me!

I’m struggling at the moment with working out my feelings towards DH after the last few months. I don’t know if I panicked at the thought of life as I knew it changing so drastically and under such awful circumstances. The life I imagined for our future was being torn away from me. But, being honest, how much that was the lifestyle and how much was him, I am questioning.

On the one hand, I can say to myself slow down and take a breath now that things are calmer and moving forwards operationally (all mutually agreed and an accepted state of being) to work it out. But there’s a part of me that feels so numb and indifferent that it’s hard to ignore.

Stagnant kind of describes it.