Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 8

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of mixed NT/ND partnerships. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong)

Link to previous thread

Please take the time to read this. This thread is making me sick to my stomach.

Yes I commented on that thread. There was some good information there but I made the point that it did seem to come down to 'put your ASD partner's needs over your own, their needs reign supreme' which is what many people on this thread seem to have been doing anyway, usually at tremendous cost to themselves. And that's living as a sacrificial lamb rather than an equal partner.

But of course that doesn't apply to all ASD relationships but it does to many of our relationships which is why we're here.

I have to be honest, I’ve skimmed that thread.
Its very much about children And teens and most if what I read seem obvious to me, incl fur example not using punishments and rewards as it doesn’t work (yep I worked that one out with dc2. Just like him hitting his brother was a meltdown that he couldn’t control. I didn’t need an assessment to know that)

For adults though? Completely different imo.

I did notice one if the OP’s comment about being bilingual in NT and ASD.

id like to know how you can reach thatBecause I certainly don’t.
And I’d like to know why, if it’s just a question of ‘learning’ to become bilingual, adults with ASD can’t become bilingual in NT too.

I've read it too. And I don't think there is much there that conflicts with these threads. It would have helped enormously with DS if I could have read that 18 years ago.

The image from the OP comes from this site https://twoemb.medium.com/ another resource we could have done with when DS was little.

There wasn’t much available 20 years ago.

And I think it would hugely unfair to judge us or ourselves as if those were available then.

I'll also say that for me parenting an autistic child is vastly different to having an autistic partner.

In some respects we just about lucked in with DS. It was before austerity was introduced so while the support may be more sophisticated these days we actually had a really good level of support throughout most of primary school. I remember vividly the difference the cuts made.

I did read that thread before but to be honest I was pretty appalled that an Educational Psychologist who is responsible for assessment and diagnosis - thought that someone who is non verbal and still in nappies was not of a higher level need than someone who had no developmental challenges.

I am quite angry if I’m honest of ‘autism experts’ diminishing the very high needs and very real support needed for kids who struggle to hold a pen and speak. Because that really does translate into less support for them if they have to fight and wait in line with or behind others.

It is revealing that her autistic children are more ‘aspergers’ and therefore I think this completely clouds her judgement.

I will continue fight and advocate for non verbal autistic kids. But those of us who do are getting fewer and fewer, as most of the time we are supporting our kids and not out there having the energy to have a voice.

I am also autistic, but my experience is very different from my son. Like many of us, partners who are both autistic or have a lot of traits is probably more common than not, as I guess like attracts like and we are in the same industries (me and Ex were in a geeky science field).

We saw an 'expert' on MTHFR and I can honestly say all the expensive supplements made zero difference. Then I found out that the 'carefully prescribed for individual needs' supps were exactly the same for everybody. I hope you have a better and cheaper outcome.

Do you know what I really struggle with and i mean really?
It's the idea or the sense that I have to make all the allowances, that I have to forgive and forget all the 'mistakes', 'oversights' or inadvertant hurtful inactions and behaviours.
It doesn't seem to matter that i'm trying to work with my H, that i'm trying to understand, to be understanding.
But it seems even when i spell out what i would like to see happen as a behaviour from him to me, which, btw, is what he asks of me. Spell it out because he doesn't see the nuances.
So when i take out the emotion and accept he can't always give me that but maybe if i make it clear that in this situation going forward this is what i'm looking for from you, he either doesn't do it or can't sustain it.
I mean why doesn't he write it down? Stick it on a post it note above his work station so that every time he looks up its a gentle reminder that i exist, that i have feelings, that i have needs.
I no longer expect that it comes from a place within him that gets it, that does these things because they come naturally to him. I've had to swallow the way that makes me feel and accept (or try to and i don't always succeed) that it isn't his fault but neither is it mine.
I'm adjusting, amending, bending. I admit i fail miserably sometimes but why is it then that the only way we can move forward is if i once again accept it isn't his fault? It's almost like a get out of jail free card for him, one which i will never have.
The thing is we sort out one issue and just when i start to relax he becomes complacent and goes back to old ways. When will he realise that he can never be complacent with these things?
I know there is no one simple, straightforward answer but there are ways in which he could manage it better. Surely?
Or am I so twisted and contorted inside now from all of this that i can no longer see the wood for the trees?

Post edited by MNHQ

@mumsie8 I've read your post. I get it all. Hang in there. I'll try and post tomorrow.

That was heartfelt @mumsie8. I hear you and "get" what you are saying too. 💐

Same, @mumsie8

i don’t want to parent my partner.

It’s not attractive and I resent that he masked while he love bombed me and I was stupid enough not to realise.

I reaksied in our honeymoon. 20 years on. It’s wearing.

Seen this thread? Some interesting insights from people with and parents of AS.Mumsnet thread

This thread is amazing. Such a variety of pov.

I loved the input if one ASD poster saying that, in her opinion, it’s essential to explain ‘the rules’ of functioning in our world. And ‘non social convention means we do x’.

I feel I’ve tried to do a lot if that with dc2. Still do.

Ive hoped for a long time that DH would learn from that too. Like he had to teach him how to interact with the dcs at the dinner table - asking them questions about their day, about them. Basically showing an interest in them and their ideas.

In some ways, it’s much easier to deal with children/teens.
You have the unconditional love that is getting you through tte shit time and they are (usually) willing to learn.
The situation with a partner is quite different.

The other absolute mind fuck as well is this inner war raging in me because i feel a sense of shame about my feelings of resentment, of anger, of hurt.

I keep thinking that if i were more understanding, more sympathetic, more empathetic i'd totally and utterly get that my H's brain is simply wired differently to mine and that in and of itself is a wonderful thing and while i do recognise that, it still beats this angry tattoo in my head.
He is the calm to my storm, the logic to my whimsy. He has so many strengths that balance out my weaknesses so why am i like this? Why can i be so unforgiving of those moments when he is blind to my needs and our children, through no fault of his own?

This is such a thought dump and i apologise. And while to some it may read as a bashing of those with a diagnosis who live and battle and struggle to be understood, every single day. It really isn't. I'm not sure what it is. Maybe a coming to terms? I'm allowed that aren't i? A sort of period of adjustment with no clear idea of how long that will take though. But i am trying to educate myself, to learn, to grow but i don't think i will ever fully 'get' it.

I love my H. He loves me. I guess we are both just trying to find our way back together, it's just i can't do it on my own nor can i manage it if he won't at least try to take some teeny tiny baby steps with me. And that's where my inner conflict arises.
It's this war of wanting him to take some responsibility but learning on my part where he really struggles to help himself and therefore help me.

I've never really let it out before, i never realised how deeply my confusion ran and how it must also confuse and befuddle my husband. I mean he must be thinking, where has this come from?

@mumsie8 I get it. Both of your posts.

I get the guilt too. Why can’t I understand better? Like it’s my fault if I dont understand. That it means I’m nit good enough, I’m not trying enough or as certain posters have not so kindly printed out, I simply don’t love DH enough…

Is there really any other area in life where it would be ok to say that about someone?
Do we tell someone they haven’t tried enough if they don’t get maths at degree level? Or if they struggle to learn and be fluent in another language (as it’s often compare to)? Is that they are just not good enough as a person to not be able to do that - like DH isn’t a good enough person for not speaking my language after 25years?? I very much doubt it.

So why are we beating ourselves like this? Why are we getting beaten up like this?

Fwiw my take now is that it’s a two way street.
i need to make an effort but so does DH. And I don’t believe that because DH has ASD that automatically means he is always making an effort.
Communication is key which means an acceptance on DH side to 1- accept his view isn’t always the only one valid (Ha…..) and 2- want to communicate what’s going on for him.
imo that is only possible with someone who has insight in ASD rather than just developed coping strategies as they go along with no understanding as to why they struggled. I think it’s harder when people discover they are in the spectrum later in life and don’t have the curiosity to understand what it means beyond ‘I’m struggling because of autism’.

All of that is essential so you can ensure that BOTH persons in the couple gave their needs met.
And it STILL doesn’t mean it’s a liveable position, despite the love etc … I just don’t believe anymore that love will conquer it all.

I've often posted that living with DW is like living with a sulky stroppy teenager. Neither of our teenagers were either sulky or stroppy.

We had a massive row last night about salmon. A friend had planned to stay for a few nights, changed plans, then changed again, then cancelled. In truth we have a lot on (planned) this weekend so it wasn't a big deal. But I was waiting for the meltdown. Gosh, did I get one.

But salmon, she could have lost it over anything. I do most of the cooking, and I'm great at cooking salmon. But this pack had instructions, I do it a different way. The meltdown was because I wasn't cooking it as per instructions.

((Hugs)) @Daftasabroom

Thank you for listening, everyone. to all.

If the NT in the relationship is alcoholic, is it fair to blame the autistic person for “driving them to alcohol”?

and would it be fair to blame some of the problems in the marriage on the other partner’s drink problem? Or is it still the autistic person’s fault?

😢

??

If it is what you are taking from the last posts, then you are not reading carefully. Or you are reading with your own biased filter that doesn’t reflect our realities.

I, for one, have never said it’s all our partners fault.
I actually think bringing everything to finding fault is crap and isn’t helping ANYONE.
Sometimes, no one is at fault. Despite the love and effort, the needs of tte different people in the couple just aren’t compatible. Sometimes communication just isn’t possible because people live in words that are so different that they just can’t understand each other.
Bringing that back to a fault is simplistic and imo a way to refuse to accept that some behaviours are simply unacceptable fir the other party. And I DO mean from BOTH sides.

Maybe it’s time to move on from that. Pointing fingers has never helped anyone or helped solve situations.

I am not looking to find 'fault'. That's simplifying and looking at this through a lense of narrow mindedness for what is a complex, and difficult situation, for both parties.

You know that AA is also for partners of alcoholics? To help support them through their partners complex relationship with alcohol.

I don't blame my husband. I love him. But does that mean i am not allowed to struggle, to be confused, to not know how to help him whilst at the same time preserving my own mental health.

We have both come to this point in our marriage quite a long way into our relationship.
It is astoundingly ignorant to believe that

1. he isn't going to struggle
2. i am not going to struggle
3. we are both not going to struggle as a couple

When we came to realise there was more to this than simple 'marriage troubles' i stopped looking to find fault and started wanting to look for solutions, for coping mechanisms that would help us both!!
But again, i am not in this marriage alone. It is not just my responsibilty to try and make it work for both of us.

It's a place where we both have to co exist, where bith of us will feel happy and fulfilled.

I'm not ashamed and i cannot be made to feel guilty for recognising i have needs that could and should be met, whatever form that takes or whatever works for my husband, all within the complexities of our marriage.